I just finished reading 2 posts on a friend's blog about her struggle with depression, and a little bit earlier I was reading an email from my best friend who was telling me she's been struggling, and the only reason she was telling me this was that I emailed her this morning to tell her I was feeling a little like I was falling apart.
Today's been a weird, awful, good, weird day.
At one point today I walked out into a clouded day only to have it hail and then pour on me and then 10 minutes later I walked outside again and it was sunny. South Carolina sometimes makes less sense than the weather of northern Illinois, and I didn't know that was really something that could happen.
Can I make a confession? I signed up for Zoosk this week. I also deactivated and deleted my Zoosk this week. Took me 2 days to figure out how to deactivate it, and I almost didn't do it because today I had 2 messages with really ridiculous pick up lines in them commenting on how beautiful I am. I emailed my best friend after deactivating Zoosk because I had to share with her the pick up lines, and also to whine because I realized it's been about 9 years since a guy has called me beautiful (excluding my family because the men in my family are wonderful and try to make sure I know how lovely I am for which I cannot thank them). Well, maybe one other guy did...I had a guy ask if he could sleep with me once when he knew I was coming home on break from college, but the more I think about that the less I remember (or maybe the less I want to remember) and I'm not sure he ever said anything about my looks. Maybe he just wanted to sleep with me because he thought I'd be up for that (which is hilarious since I was at a Bible college going to school for theology studying youth ministry and premarital sex is kinda frowned upon).
Let's just say that I don't think a guy asking to sleep with you is an admission of your beauty.
I got the Zoosk because I was hoping someone would tell me I was beautiful. I won't lie about that. I was also hoping though that I would read someone's profile and I would see the face attached to the words and somehow I would find the person I keep waiting for. Instead I found a lot of hilarious pick up lines (which if a guy used them in person, I would, without a doubt agree to go on a date over, but via the Internet just makes them seem...well fake instead of funny) and a lot of spelling errors. Somehow, I just couldn't do it. Two of the messages I received were the worst spelled messages I've ever received in my life, and I couldn't get passed that. At all. On top of which, no one really seemed to have anything good to say. Cheesy and a little funny, yes, but valid...not so much.
The problem with a couple of guys telling you that you are beautiful when you have lost sight/faith/belief in the reality of that in yourself is that it will suddenly occur to you that you don't believe they'll find you attractive if they ever meet you in person. I mean if the guys you know in person don't ever seem to find you attractive or voice that to you...why on earth would you believe a stranger who is only seeing a couple good pictures of you?
This is when your best friend points out (rightly) to you that what you really need is to see yourself as beautiful because (she well knows) that if you don't find yourself beautiful you will find it hard to believe when others say it (even the man you love that you know loves you back).
What a mess.
Why is it so hard for us to see our own value?
For instance? I know I am beautiful. God created me. I have value. I am worthy of love. For crying out loud, my capacity to love others is insane, but I still fail to see my worth.
So my project for this week is to find the things about myself that I know make me beautiful.
And now, because I've really neglected this...
Favorite things of this very moment (11:03 PM EST):
- The Gandhi quote necklace my mom sent me for my birthday ("be the change you wish to see") because she knows my heart and this is kinda my version of the theme of Children of Change, and speaking of Children of Change...
- Children of Change now has a website! We're OFFICIALLY online! That's right! You can donate on the website or get involved with us or ask us your questions there. Soon there will be links to our Twitter and we'll have a Facebook page soon. We'll also have a lot more projects and opportunities to tell you about.
- "Medium" Unsweet Tea from Hardee's (because THEY actually understood the concept of UNSWEET tea...geez...I realize this is the South and I'm clearly a Northerner, but dear goodness, just give me my unsweet tea)
- Jordan having a new phone (Jordan...you have no idea how frustrating that's been)
- Emails from Nikky (it's too bad we don't have Caesar anymore...I'm pretty sure he would have been our Rowdy)
- That I have nowhere to be until 5 tomorrow (if I make myself go...which I need to because it's Calle & Marshall's grad party and I love Calle and Marshall)
- Vlogbrothers ...Calle got me to start watching them and now I can't stop (and Jordan really is Hank and I really am John)