Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Troubled Waters

Favorite things of this very moment (4:11 pm CST):
  • Coffee (with a little sugar, a lot of cinnamon, and a little vanilla soy milk)
  • Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
  • New Moon by Stephanie Meyer
  • Dreaming about Edward in an excessively vague and text-esque sense which means I didn't have nightmares or really messed up dreams like I've been having all too often lately that leave me with less sleep than I started out with (well it seems that way) those books are great
  • Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer
  • Gummy bears
  • Having the ability to stay up to all hours to read, but still have plenty of time to sleep and get much needed work done
  • Peppermint tea
  • Paying lots of attention to lyrics unlike my close friend and male counterpart, Mr. Laurent

The ache is back. The one that moves back and forth from my heart to the pit of my stomach (well more like just below the bottom of my rib cage where it seems to pulsate and radiate and make everything feel wrong) to my throat and back to my chest again where it feels so intense that I feel like I'll explode.

The Twilight series isn't helping me out in this department, but then again neither is the Jane Austen or Nicholas Sparks or Stardust or the Christian romance novels Grandma sent (duh!) or any of the other books I've read recently and enjoyed.

It will get better. One of these days the hole in my heart will have its missing piece. In the meantime, I need to find something I actually want to do and pursue it to the fullest.

Today, I took an excessively long, very hot shower because I kept slipping between memories and I guess I thought maybe it would wash it away. It didn't. Instead it seemed to just help it along. Reading New Moon in its entirety last night brought back a series of memories. Promises I was once given and had believed so freely. Promises that have never, and will never, be brought back Jeff. Memories I try to keep buried to avoid days exactly like this.

It made me question my sanity for the 2nd time in two days. The first was brought on by truly seeing myself in Blanche's character in Tennessee Williams' play "A Streetcar Named Desire" which terrified me enough to skip the rest of my classes and go straight to wandering Shopko while talking to Nikky. I think she honestly worried about me having some kind of break down. I wasn't far from believing that as a possibility myself...

Then after reading New Moon, it brought Jeff back so quickly and easily that it startled me. Meyer uses a lot of "Romeo and Juliet" in the book. Many of Edwards words and Bella's reactions felt familiar. The ache Bella described, the pain she felt. They're here in me. This in and of itself completely upsets me.

Have I just been using all these guys as a placeholder? A Paris to my Juliet, if you will? A plan B? Not one of them deserved that. Clearly there is something wrong with me, with my heart.

Why do I still have all the memories and the promises locked inside my head? The promises that he would love and protect me forever. That he would never leave. Why have I been unable to find someone better for me without the feeling something is wrong? Apparently I haven't found the right guy yet, but what if it's worse than that? What if I really do love Jeff and no one else will ever bring me to life the way he did? What if he was supposed to be the One, but choose to take a different path? The path without me.

Ugh. I am so bitter and cynical today. Again. There is something so wrong with all of this.

Of course, this doesn't even begin to cover my anger with myself for being almost 22 but in no way self-sufficient. When did I let myself become such a coward?

1 comment:

nikkyrowell said...

Love, Jay and Jeff are both helpless oblivious messes of people right now. We all are. But I have hope that one day we will all come around and start making sense of things. Im just tired of waiting for it, the more I tell myself to wait, the more I feel like Im just using it as a copout at this point, how much life must I waste before I start living it? Im 20. A quarter, a third, half, of my life could be over. It sounds wierd, but I was listening to a mix you gave me, and it was on shuffle, and it went right to that Bob Marley song where he says "I dont want to wait in vain for your love" and it hit me. I dont want to wait in vain for anything anymore, its not worth it. I just cant fix it, it bubbles up, like that dull empty ache you were writing about, I feel it too, you're not the only coward my dear. I think that the real problem is that we keep waiting, waiting for something magical and wonderful and good to happen. But if everyone everywhere only waits it wont ever happen. Yes, God made everything beautiful in its time, but he also gave us dominion over this earth, he gave us hands and feet and a mind to do something, to act. Faith without action is dead, faith not only in god, but in people, in love, in goodness, those wonderful things that God created and epitomises...Its like that idea, Rob Bell, or Donald Miller, one of them talks about how long are you going to pray about something before you just do it. Not to negate its importance and necessity, but there is no leap of faith in prayer,however there is in action. I dont know what Im trying to say in this comment, except that maybe Im just freaking out in my head a little over all this, and used this to let some of it out. I dont know. Your blog was brilliant, and wonderful and true, and it made me think. I love you, I miss you, eventually we will figure it all out.