Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Pick a Card

Favorite things of this very moment:
  • The above picture. It makes me laugh constantly and I really don't know why. Probably the absolute absurdity of the kids face...good grief
  • Mat Kearney
  • Sweet Valley brands Orange Soda
  • Colored pencils (hey, I love coloring too)
  • Graph paper notebooks
  • Visual bookshelf of Facebook (still my favorite application EVER)
  • Removing people from my friends lists after we've come to a point where we: a) never talk, b) aren't particularly fond of each other, and c) the very mention of their name riles me up...
  • Telling people what they need to hear, even if it's hard (I'm actually proud of myself for not chickening out)
  • Knowing that within 8 days I'll be done with yet another year of college...thank goodness
  • Accents (particularly southern or the kind of western, farm country accent)


I've been running into lots of memories that make me think of Sarah. I realized that the only bad part about FUEL this year will be that she is not by my side. I've gotten use to that being a week we spend a crazy amount of time together, and I've been so proud to introduce my little sister to my friends and get to actually spend quality time getting to know her. She never ceased to amaze me with her generosity, silliness, and absolute zest for life and people. I only hope that when I die I will be remembered with the love and laughter she will be remembered for.

The odd thing is that in the wake of her death I suddenly realized a couple of things about myself. Things that were completely obvious to people around me (I'm sure):

  1. That I have completely lost track of myself
  2. That I do not believe in myself at all
  3. That I have let myself go (*sigh* uuuugh)
  4. That I have no life goals and/or ambitions to drive at

What is the deal? I can pinpoint when everything fell apart for me: Jacob Zuniga's death.

What drives me crazy is that I know this is not what my life should be. He would not want me to be like this, and I certainly do not want to remain like this. I just am so uncertain in everything that it is ridiculous.

I've given myself a time-period finally. A clock of sorts. I have decided that I must know what I will do this next year by the end of May. I have to have a plan picked out, decided on, and set in motion by May 31st because if I don't start moving forward like I constantly pretend I am than I am going to be living in my bedroom at my parents house for the rest of my life. I love my folks and they love me, but this situation is unhealthy to continue in without having a plan to eventually (hopefully sooner) get myself out into the real world (ish) being a competent adult.

Goals. That's what I need. I need something to strive for. And my mom is probably right...I need someone or something to take care of. I currently am doing a fabulous job of wallowing in self-pity, self-loathing, self-depreciation and a lot of other selfish (ha!) and pointless areas.

Change is possible, isn't it?

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