Wednesday, May 7, 2008

The Fear of Committment

Favorite things of this very moment (9:18 pm CST):
  • Agnes & The Hitman by Jennifer Cruise and Bob Mayer (READ IT!)
  • Carson's amazing ability to be just where I need him at the right time (you don't often get that anymore)
  • That I'll have Landin's baby blanket done by Saturday (which means he should get it inside of a week!)
  • Southern accents
  • Ben trying to talk me into reading the Harry Potter series this summer, congratulating me on finally figuring out what I want to major in, dispensing advice as lovingly and sarcastically as always, being genuinely concerned with everything in my life, and generally just being that wonderful friend I'm so glad that I still have despite everything that potentially could have scared him off and/or driven him away
  • Getting to talk to Nikky on the phone
  • Knowing my Business final is my last one, that it's multiple choice, and that I'll be free when it's done tomorrow (YES!!!)
  • Oh yes, and agreeing, for Ben, to read the Harry Potter series (finally) because he wants me to read them so he can talk to someone about them (someone, as he says, "that reads as much as I do")

My finals for this semester are done tomorrow. Yes!

The problem is...that's when real life begins. No, I'm not graduating from college (as if that will ever happen at the rate I'm going), but this does mark yet another step in making decisions. I hate making decisions.

I read an interesting quote the other night that said (and I'm really paraphrasing here) that one you commit it gives you the freedom to stop worrying about the decision and just enjoy where you are and what you've committed to whether it's a relationships, job, or just some random life choice in general. It sets you on a path and gives you the push to direct your life and set things in motion. That is what I need. Commitment.

It's ironic to me that the thing that I've accused so many men in my life for having is one thing I struggle with all the time, but never really considered: the fear of commitment.

Let me be honest, I am terrified of committing to something because if I commit to a major or going to a certain school or moving to a certain place...well, it means a great deal of change, and what if I don't like it? What if the decision turns out to be a bad one that makes me unhappy or that distracts me from whatever I should be doing with my life (like I know what that is)?

I need to suck it up and take it like a man (well, woman in my case)! And I need to commit. To something. To finishing a book. To choosing a major. To going to school. To getting a job. Anything and everything. To growing up. And to being more optimistic.

Life is going to change whether I want it to or not.

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