It's odd because I've been on both sides of this equation, but I feel like I live on the collapsing side now. It makes me angrier and darker. I am struggling to see how anyone could stand being near me or listening to me.
And then I get a text from a friend reminding me she loves me or I get a perfectly timed email from my best friend reminding me why she's always been the "other half of my soul" or a sweet friend tells me that I just don't see the impact I have on others or I convince one of my brothers to write a funny 80 page story by Christmas as a bet or my mom asks me to read the story at the library story time this week or you find 2 TV shows with characters exactly your age going through their own twisted version of your life or a friend says she wants to come take a walk with you after work later this week...
Then I suddenly have Hugh Grant's words in my head "I have a sneaking suspicion if you look...you'll see live really is all around."
I genuinely have no idea what I want from life anymore or what I'm actually capable of because it's been a long time since I believed in myself or had a real dream that I wanted for myself. I have been thinking about it, and I'm honestly not sure I know the last time I feel like I was put in a place for me. I've gathered a truly amazing group of friends, but every place I end up feels like I'm their for everyone else's needs or to build them up or their dreams. I don't have a problem with this, but I'm hoping someday my heart can be one of the ones being fixed and worked on for a change because I'm wondering how I'm still breathing and how it's even beating with all these holes and pieces missing.
I am a mess, but, thank God, I am not alone. I will hold myself together. These new wounds and breaks will become scars and I will keep moving.
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