Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Broke Blind Bedlum

These days people are trying to convince me of my goodness, my worth, and that I'm going to be alright. I feel bad for them. No one should watch someone they care about feel like they're caving in. It's scary, messy, frustrating business. 

It's odd because I've been on both sides of this equation, but I feel like I live on the collapsing side now. It makes me angrier and darker. I am struggling to see how anyone could stand being near me or listening to me. 

And then I get a text from a friend reminding me she loves me or I get a perfectly timed email from my best friend reminding me why she's always been the "other half of my soul" or a sweet friend tells me that I just don't see the impact I have on others or I convince one of my brothers to write a funny 80 page story by Christmas as a bet or my mom asks me to read the story at the library story time this week or you find 2 TV shows with characters exactly your age going through their own twisted version of your life or a friend says she wants to come take a walk with you after work later this week...

Then I suddenly have Hugh Grant's words in my head "I have a sneaking suspicion if you'll see live really is all around."

I genuinely have no idea what I want from life anymore or what I'm actually capable of because it's been a long time since I believed in myself or had a real dream that I wanted for myself. I have been thinking about it, and I'm honestly not sure I know the last time I feel like I was put in a place for me. I've gathered a truly amazing group of friends, but every place I end up feels like I'm their for everyone else's needs or to build them up or their dreams. I don't have a problem with this, but I'm hoping someday my heart can be one of the ones being fixed and worked on for a change because I'm wondering how I'm still breathing and how it's even beating with all these holes and pieces missing. 

I am a mess, but, thank God, I am not alone. I will hold myself together. These new wounds and breaks will become scars and I will keep moving.

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