Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Some Days There's Just No Good Way of Getting Rid of a Bomb

Somehow, even hundreds of miles from my job and current life, I still find it tugging at me trying to force my hand and make a mistake or a crazy decision.  Sometimes I wonder if my impulsive, broken, lost 19-year-old self is still grieving and somehow at the wheel of my heart.

I guess today I'm just a little frustrated that I still haven't been given the information to do my job to the best of my ability, and I'm a little worried that I'm somehow going to screw up the one thing in my life I'm proud of at this point.  And I was asked again about my going to ABC in the fall.  Yeah, that's my plan, to go back.  To finish this elusive degree.  To finally feel like I've got a bit of myself together.

What a joke.

Last night I started reading a book I'd picked up as a joke for someone else and ended up finishing it at 5 this morning.  It was one of those trash novels, and the bad bit was the fact that the girl was a character that in a really strange way I could relate to.  Not her looks or her money or her situation, but I understood the feeling that everything you touch gets broken and screwed up.  That somehow no matter what you do, it still falls apart.

I hate when my brain decides to do this.

So at this point, I'm running on 5 hours of sleep, a cup of coffee, and the fact that I get to go with my folks and the boys to go to David and Kelsey's for dinner in a few minutes.

Screw my impending sense of dread. Screw my worry that CofC won't stay off the ground because I can't get any of the questions I need answered.  Screw the fact that I don't have the money to pay for school or even stamps for the CofC letter at this point.  Screw those terrible trash novels that somehow make me idiotically introspective at 3:30 in the morning when I'm more vulnerable, lonely, and tired than I need to be.  Screw the fact that I'm still broken and bruised and bleeding internally from watching the guy I love get married nearly 2 years ago and knowing that in less than a month he and his wife will be ushering their beautiful new baby girl into the world while I'm still trying to figure out how to hold my heart together watching the life I'd hoped to create lived out by someone else.  Screw the fact that the guy friend I thought I could believe in keeps drawing back and there will never be a point in trying for a future there.  Screw my lousy self-control, my lack of self-confidence, and my complete lack of hope that a future.  Screw my badly scared body and weird health.

Screw all this mess.

Let me leave you this with.  I finished the first mix I've made myself in ages, and it pretty much sums me up.

What Rattles Here:

  1. Life is Hard - Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros
  2. Get Lucky - Daft Punk feat. Pharrell Williams
  3. Find My Way - The Gabe Dixon Band
  4. Not Over You - Gavin DeGraw
  5. When a Heart Breaks - Ben Rector
  6. Dancing in the Dark - Bruce Springsteen
  7. Latch - Disclosure feat. Sam Smith
  8. Big Love - Jason Kertson
  9. Love Me Again - John Newman
  10. Half of my Heart - John Mayer feat. Taylor Swift
  11. Needing Getting - OK Go
  12. Rocky Mountain High - John Denver
  13. This Too Shall Pass - OK Go
  14. Another Kind of Green - John Mayer Trio
  15. Don't I Hold You - Wheat
  16. Let's Get Lost - Beck & Bats for Lashes
  17. Chasing Pavements - Adele
  18. Stealing - Gavin DeGraw
  19. Chill in the Air - Amos Lee feat. Alison Krauss

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