Someday, when I write my memoirs, my memoirs will be titled Well Maybe I Lied: The Jaymin Cheatwood Story. It will be a weird and rambling tale that covers everything. All the mess, the death, the loss, the sickness, the insanity, the lost love, the unrequited love, but it will also cover the little miracles (and the big--the angel, for instance), the surprises, the incredible blessings, the support and love of my family and amazing friends, and the hope.
It will be a story of changed plans and a changing heart and a growing, changing woman because no matter what plan she seemed to have, it seemed God had something different and better...sometimes it just took her a lot longer to catch on than she should have.
My plan for over a year now was to be in SC forever. I was done moving and running around and everything. I would be there working with Glennis on Children of Change till the end of time, and that was totally alright. I wanted that. That was the life I fully believed God had led me too. And then it started changing. I still believed I was supposed to work with Children of Change for forever, but I was starting to believe that what I needed was to go back to ABC to get those last 23 credit hours so I could officially have a BA from ABC in theology with a major in youth ministry since I intended to be working with kids all the time for CofC. It made perfect sense. Anyone who has talked to me or been reading this blog for the past few months knows that I followed that plan. I've signed up for classes to start this fall, and it was going to all work out. I was going to be able to add a lot of credibility to our organization. I was even going to apply for my ministerial license after graduation so we could have two licensed ministers on staff (Kim and I both)...
But the truth is...it's probably not going to happen. Granted, I could be wrong. I frequently am these days, but maybe not. I will continue to work for Children of Change, but, at the very least, my summer plans have been altered. I had planned to be up here in IL with my folks and family for just two weeks, and now I'll be here till at least the end of July. Depending on how July goes, it may be significantly longer. I may be here until January or God only knows when. All I know is that this decision, though it complicates many things, is the first time I've felt peace, real peace, in months.
I can't decide if I'm being selfish or if I'm actually being sane doing what I'm doing right now. Maybe I just needed to do some running to end up back where I started all over again. I may still do ABC this fall or in the spring, but it's going to take a lot more praying and a bit of a miracle in order to make that happen. Honestly, I'm wondering more and more if perhaps, I was listening to the panic and the contingency-plan-making bits of myself deciding to go to ABC. I'm trying hard to be brave, to do new things, to do the right thing, but sometimes I have no idea how to do that or even what the right thing is, and right now that sums up nearly every day.
So I am going to take the next couple of weeks and do some research. I may be looking into some alt. school plans. I also am going to see if I can learn anything more about knitting because I have access to people who can teach me things like that right now. I have already written myself a giant to-do list for this week, most of which I probably won't get done, but I'm going to try to tackle as much of it as possible. Plus, I figure, as long as I am here, I am going to try to be a blessing to my family and do as much as I can around the house to make life easier for them, and I will try to spend more time with the people I love here. I also have the opportunity to do some more work on the children's book I wrote. My sister-in-law is working on the storyboard/illustrations for it at this point, and I think if we actually can meet a little more regularly and discuss it, we may actually figure out how to get the crazy thing published! How insane would that be?
On to a new week and new crazy and new challenges. I may not know where I'm heading yet, but I do know that dark as the road may seem, there's light in the distance. I'm gonna be alright.
God's got this.