I should be asleep. If I just put this stupid iPod down I probably could go to sleep, but I've got a lot of little half-finished thoughts scurrying and maybe sending them out into the universe will silence them for the night. It's worth a try, right?
First, what if I'm not the Beauty, but the Beast instead? What if I'm the wreck someone has to see through? What if I'm the one who needs to learn to love and somehow win someone's love in return or I'll be stuck like this forever?
I watched Beauty & the Beast the other day while I was watching Piper, and the thought's been rumbling around in my head. I remember reading Twilight for the first time and relating to Edward's "what if I'm not the hero, what if I'm the bad guy" line better than almost anything else. What if I really am damaged goods? What if I never find a way to be the good in me and instead become my dark?
Second, sort of, how many times do you need your heart-broken, to be looked over, rejected, invisible, second best, the back up plan, best friend, or forgotten before you give up or your heart just dies? Because I may have hit that mark. I'm starting to think I really may get no bigger role in this story than comic relief/crazy aunt/awkward, invisible side-character. I am so blessed with my family and friends, but what am I trying for? I realized today that it's been nearly a week since I wore make up or earrings/jewelry or did my hair or plucked my eyebrows. I look like hell. No one has noticed. Hell, I didn't notice till today. I can't even find it in me to care. I'm invisible, so what does it matter?
And this is what scares me.
I think I'm letting myself just say to hell with it and giving up because I'm so fragmented. I know I need to keep going. I know I need to be grateful. I know I need to sleep more, spend more time outside, write more, pray more, eat less, and do more to find a new job, but...seriously...what am I working towards?
I've spent the past 8 months of my life believing I had a future and that I'd finally found a place to belong and do some good. This turns out to be a bit of a joke, and I find myself feeling betrayed, completely broke, and moving back in with my parents at 28.
Third, my grandma's making me a "magic" quilt. I know she is just wanting me to be happy. She wants me settled with my own family, and I love her for that. I just wish it would work. It's insane to hope for though because I still haven't been able to work through the mess of who I am and no one else deserves to deal with this.
Fourth, the one bad thing about babysitting for Piper is that it makes me desperately want my own kids, but then makes me question whether or not I'd be a good parent. None of this matters since there's no guy in the foreseeable future, but whatever.
Fifth, I am struggling. In everything. I am tired of answering questions:
• No, I am not going back to SC anytime in the foreseeable future.
• No, I won't be at ABC in the fall like I planned (possibly not ever).
• No, I haven't been paid.
• No, I can't pay my bills.
• Yes, I am looking for a new job.
• Yes, I am still doing work for CofC.
• No, I'm not dating anyone.
Those are my answers, and I don't think things will change anytime soon.
And now to sleep.