Tonight I realize that there is a good chance that a guy I have been friends with since early in high school may have died from cancer and I never found out. I'm hoping I am wrong and that he'll get ahold of me in the next day or two and it will just prove to be my crazy imagination and a result of the tired and the lost feeling inside me.
I sent the guy I have been fighting for every day a mix on Monday. He should get it tomorrow in the mail or maybe Friday. I am guessing he won't see what it really is: a letter. Because I have come to realize that the only way I can really tell him what I feel is by sending him a mix of my heart.
And will it matter? Probably not.
And I wonder...is he it? And if he is...how long am I going to be waiting? Forever? How long do you wait in love before you realize that you have befriend St. Jude and his lost causes?
Death, unrequited love, and I made the mistake of looking through old pictures tonight and realized that I really did let myself go completely in the past 7 years. I got out of high school and became a moose.
Tonight is death and depression and self-depreciation night. No biggie. Well, the death part is. That just freaks me out, and I don't know what to do about that except pray and hope I find an answer and figure out how to deal with it in the meantime.
My amazing friend, Jay made me a mix. I have been needing it.
Can you tell I am disconnected?
On a positive note:
Favorite things of this moment (11:07 pm CST):
- "Awake My Soul" by Mumford & Sons
- Jay's mixes...he's genius
- Encouragement from good friends
- Reminders that maybe I am not seeing everything clearly and should review
- God's glorious, glorious mercy & grace & love & timing
"Where you invent your love, you invest your life." - Mumford & Sons