Thursday, October 13, 2011

My Weakness I Feel I Must Finally Show

I don't even know at the moment.  I am tired and frustrated on a couple different levels.  I am scared.  I am heartbroken.  I am trying to not think about the fact that in certain dreams...there really isn't any hope, and I am trying to remember that just because what I want isn't happening, it doesn't mean that God isn't in control or that life is going to be bad.

Tonight I realize that there is a good chance that a guy I have been friends with since early in high school may have died from cancer and I never found out.  I'm hoping I am wrong and that he'll get ahold of me in the next day or two and it will just prove to be my crazy imagination and a result of the tired and the lost feeling inside me.

I sent the guy I have been fighting for every day a mix on Monday.  He should get it tomorrow in the mail or maybe Friday.  I am guessing he won't see what it really is: a letter.  Because I have come to realize that the only way I can really tell him what I feel is by sending him a mix of my heart.

And will it matter?  Probably not.

And I he it?  And if he long am I going to be waiting?  Forever?  How long do you wait in love before you realize that you have befriend St. Jude and his lost causes?

Death, unrequited love, and I made the mistake of looking through old pictures tonight and realized that I really did let myself go completely in the past 7 years.  I got out of high school and became a moose.

Tonight is death and depression and self-depreciation night.  No biggie.  Well, the death part is.  That just freaks me out, and I don't know what to do about that except pray and hope I find an answer and figure out how to deal with it in the meantime.

My amazing friend, Jay made me a mix.  I have been needing it.

Can you tell I am disconnected?

On a positive note:

Favorite things of this moment (11:07 pm CST):

  • "Awake My Soul" by Mumford & Sons
  • Jay's mixes...he's genius
  • Encouragement from good friends
  • Reminders that maybe I am not seeing everything clearly and should review
  • God's glorious, glorious mercy & grace & love & timing
"Where you invent your love, you invest your life." - Mumford & Sons

1 comment:

becomingamy said...

Hey, I just need you to know that I really love you. I hope things look up soon.
& I could really use a night of driving to Freeport with you, talking about life.

I miss you Jaymin.