I was rereading your old blog entries again today (because that's the kind of creepy best friend I am), and this makes so much sense to me. I think of a lot of things when I think love, but I'm realizing it usually involves some kind of "at home" feeling.
You're right when you say that most of the time we aren't thinking about the other person in the relationship. We think of us...I know that's what I do. Even now, I'm feeling like a jerk because at 2am in the morning (and throughout a good portion of the rest of the day) my head flips through guys like I flip through pages of a favorite book. I know the pages so well, but I don't know where to begin or where to stop.Why is it so hard to just find one thing to focus your love on? And why am I constantly trying to fill the void in my heart with the love of guys or with poptarts instead of with God? No wonder I am left feeling empty. No wonder I can't stand myself about half the time. No wonder I have trouble being truly good. I want to be able to give real love. Wherever it's needed...why instead do I wallow in this selfish neediness?
I think it's time to rethink love and how I'm going about getting it. If I work on focusing on getting this love from God, on actually letting myself be loved by a God who truly loves me...I think I would be able to start loving myself and loving others for real. Not just this selfish facimile.
Thanks for your thoughts, Nik.
I miss you.
I love you.