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Tonight a friend of mine told me she's having trouble in her life. She feels like she can't get ahead and that she's on quicksand. I listen to her stress and worries and wish I could provide for her answers to all her worries and give her the words and solutions she needs, but most of it is out of my hands. All I can do is pray and do all I can to encourage her. 

Tonight a friend of mine told me about someone she loves making terrible life decisions. She said she had to hear these things second hand and that it's going to really hurt the family. I wish I could fix this situation and give my friend the words she needs, but all I can do is pray and make her laugh and encourage her. 

The worries of my heart pale in comparison to the wounds in words and the cuts in the hearts of these women and the people they love. Yet as I turn to ask God for the help they need, I find my own brokenness and failure and impurities and recklessness stacked like a wall between my heart and God. 

I know You see my heart, God. I hope you see a better future for it than I do. 

My folks and I stopped at the site of a major car accident today. We came upon it minutes after it happened. My dad was an EMT for several years, and his training immediately kicked into gear. He helped a young woman out of her car and sat with her till the emergency crew could show up while 3 other men tried to get the doors of the car that caused the accident open. In the midst of all of this chaos, I could barely think, I heard my mom praying. She was just asking God for safety for everyone helping and the best outcome possible for everyone injured in the accident. As she's doing that, all I can do is text a good friend and ask him to pray. 

Do I pray? Not really. What's wrong with this?

I'm exiling myself from God. 

I am so ashamed of the mess I'm making of myself with my utter lack of self-control and consistency or intention that I don't know how to approach God. All I can see is my failures and the knowledge that I'll probably screw this up again tomorrow because I'm a wreck. 

I know that my ship is sinking because of the giant hole left their by crashing into the iceberg of loneliness floating out here in the harbor of doubt that I seem to no longer remember to leave. Instead of patching the hole I'm just letting the doubt come through the hole with is causing major damage to the self-respect, self-esteem, and self-control I had safely stored there. I know I need God to fix that whole and fill it in, but I feel like I need to clean up the damage before it's fixed. 

I need to rember, as Donald Miller once wrote that I am "not above the charity of God," and let Him fix my damage when and how he wants. I need to let him. 

I'll just keep walking and keep fighting to be the best version of myself that I can be and continue to pray even if I'm a mess. King David did and I haven't murdered anyone. If David can be up front with God, I have no excuse not to try and keep trying. 

Twenty-Nine

Just shy of two weeks ago, I turned 29. I'm still trying to process this. I guess over the years I've come to see my birthday as my personal New Year's Day or, at the very least, a kind of clean slate for new dreams. It doesn't always work, but I keep trying. 

For my birthday, I decided to stop messing with one area of my life that consistently screws me over: guys. I'm not trying to sound bitter, but my track record is painful. I really can't take any more rejection at this point. I've decided that until I run across a guy who feels like home, I'm done trying to win guys over or charm them. It's not worth the stress when I'm not even feeling real hope. 

The other thing I'm trying out is going to be a renewed effort to learn to play piano. I recently came into possession of one and I'm hoping to get it tuned this week. It's beautiful and all the keys work. Good things shall follow. 

Twenty-nine may not be a pivotal year that changes everything, but it will be a good year. I have faith in this. 

Twinkle On

There will never be too many twinkle lights

If I could wrap them

around my heart

& through my veins

I would

Something in the glitter & glow

breaks through these bleak December greys

& pulls me toward

the Light of the World

who shines through

this season &

breaks through the darkness & shadows

of a dying year

& helps alight the new

So twinkle on little lights

bring the hope & joy of the Christ child's birth

good will to men

& peace on earth

2014 Letter to Mr. C

Dear Santa,

What I would really like for Christmas is self-confidence and renewed hope. I've spent this year making decisions based on fear and because of losing my job and world upending with Children of Change left me struggling to believe that I make good decisions. I want to believe. I want to believe in myself and that I can make good things happen for myself and the people around me. I know it's a weird to ask for this, but if you could find a way to bring that for me...I'd be grateful. 

Say hi to the reindeer for me. 

Merry Christmas,

Jaymin

A Little Too Ironic

My head is pounding and I really should be asleep, but today has been incredibly strange. I went to the doctor today because Mom, Forrest, and I all thought we had strep. Thankfully none of us have strep, but we all are getting over the flu. I was actually told that I'm to stay home from work tomorrow to continue to heal. It's been a little unreal. I love the irony of getting the flu after having had the flu shot over a month ago (and yes I do know that the flu vaccine only covers a certain things blah blah blah). 

My boss called to check up on me as we were coming back from the doctor which was handy considering I was going to have to call him. He was trying to find out how I was doing and to see if I'm really okay with the fact I'm going to have to work this Sunday and miss church. Nope, I'm not okay with it, but I understand. Short of quitting there's not much to be done. He handled my being sick pretty well though. I've got a good boss. I work with good people. I just am going crazy missing church all the time and never feeling like I've slept or seen friends. I feel isolated and miserable. I need a new job before I go crazy. 

On the upside, I spent most of my day reading, coughing, blowing my nose, and not moving on the couch. I still have a killer headache, but more sleep will help. Plus, today Crown Publishing told me I won a tote bag which made me happy and then my health insurance card showed up. Ha. Timing is everything. 

Plus today I looked in my stocking, at Mom's prompting (we've been using them as mailboxes), and I had a really sweet note from her plus a Greek phrase book. She knows my heart. 

Maybe this Christmas feels like a fractured mess because work has managed to take most of the things I love most out of my reach, but maybe the little pockets of joy will hold it all together. I could still really use a Christmas miracle, but considering my tremendous luck this year...I'm not holding my breath, but God only knows how much I'd love to be proven wrong. 

On that note, I'll leave you my list and try to sleep:

Favorite Things of this Very Moment (11:07 PM CST):

• Knowing I can sleep through all of tomorrow if I want to

• Chinese paper lanterns

• Getting Rid of Bradley by Jennifer Crusie

• Mulligan's admirable persistence 

• Calle's decision to get me the "pillow" I want for Christmas

• Soft kleenex 

• Christmas lights

• Not being financially destroyed by the visit to the doctor

• My remarkable family

A Fool Looks for Logic in the Chambers of the Human Heart

I lay beneath the lantern glow

Tired ache creeping through my soul

Knowing I should've been asleep hours ago

But the rush of today

The tangled up thoughts warring keep me here

In the quiet loud space in my mind

How can you logic your way out of this?

I find you in this space

Tattoos, skater hair

It's like I've got my high school 

Skills for picking boys again

You're too young,

I'm too old

This song is on repeat

Once upon a time 

There was a girl who believed her life was planned

I guess I found out too late

That I'm not going to get a fairytale 

And maybe prince charming isn't what I need

I just need a best friend

God only knows what the jumble's for

Time will probably take you away from me,

But for today at least,

I can committ you to memory

Maybe you'll prove to be a better dream

So Here It Is

There's a problem somewhere caught between the girl I grew up being and the woman I've turned into. I grew up with all boys. I've got three younger brothers, and I had mostly guy friends. My mother was a tomboy, and I always have been as well. As a result, I grew up somewhere inside a guy's mindset of going after what you want. 

This made me absurd and brave when it came to love. I lived by the motto that only the one willing to be a fool for love deserved love. I learned a guy, adored him, and then went for him with everything I had. It didn't end well often, but it meant I resolved feelings. It was messy and heartbreaking and chaotic, but I was reckless and willing to risk all for the hope that the guy I was pursuing would recognize the romantic, caring, hilarious bundle that I was. That I was exactly what he'd been looking for. 

It didn't work. 

As I got older, my mom sat me down and told me that as a woman I was meant to be pursued and not to do the pursuing. I didn't understand it. Parts of me still don't because it feels like such a waste at times, but truth be told, she was right. If a guy has any interest in you, he'll come after you. You can get in his way all you want, but unless he's decided you're what he wants, it's not going to matter. 

I have spent the past nine and a half years alone as a result. I can't deny that I've expressed interest in guys during that time and been open and vulnerable, but it's never changed anything. I guess I still believe that you've gotta be willing to be a fool for love in order to be worthy of love, but at the same time, I no longer know how to find the only thing I ever feel like I'm searching for. 

After nearly ten years of solitude, I feel like I'm wasting my youth, but I'm a woman and I deserve to be pursued like I should be. How do I resolve this particular paradox? Especially since I am beginning to think I was born in the wrong decade since I just want to meet someone in real life and not through a dating site. 

I guess I wait. Trusting this to God is consistently the hardest choice I make. I am still not terribly good at waiting.