Monday, December 8, 2014

So Here It Is

There's a problem somewhere caught between the girl I grew up being and the woman I've turned into. I grew up with all boys. I've got three younger brothers, and I had mostly guy friends. My mother was a tomboy, and I always have been as well. As a result, I grew up somewhere inside a guy's mindset of going after what you want. 

This made me absurd and brave when it came to love. I lived by the motto that only the one willing to be a fool for love deserved love. I learned a guy, adored him, and then went for him with everything I had. It didn't end well often, but it meant I resolved feelings. It was messy and heartbreaking and chaotic, but I was reckless and willing to risk all for the hope that the guy I was pursuing would recognize the romantic, caring, hilarious bundle that I was. That I was exactly what he'd been looking for. 

It didn't work. 

As I got older, my mom sat me down and told me that as a woman I was meant to be pursued and not to do the pursuing. I didn't understand it. Parts of me still don't because it feels like such a waste at times, but truth be told, she was right. If a guy has any interest in you, he'll come after you. You can get in his way all you want, but unless he's decided you're what he wants, it's not going to matter. 

I have spent the past nine and a half years alone as a result. I can't deny that I've expressed interest in guys during that time and been open and vulnerable, but it's never changed anything. I guess I still believe that you've gotta be willing to be a fool for love in order to be worthy of love, but at the same time, I no longer know how to find the only thing I ever feel like I'm searching for. 

After nearly ten years of solitude, I feel like I'm wasting my youth, but I'm a woman and I deserve to be pursued like I should be. How do I resolve this particular paradox? Especially since I am beginning to think I was born in the wrong decade since I just want to meet someone in real life and not through a dating site. 

I guess I wait. Trusting this to God is consistently the hardest choice I make. I am still not terribly good at waiting. 

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