Sunday, December 7, 2014

Are You Rushing the Plan?

Today I actually got to go to church.  I don't think I can properly explain how much it means to me to actually be at my church on a Sunday morning.  It wasn't long ago that I wouldn't have even considered a job that would make me work on Sunday mornings, but then I got sideswiped by life and took the job that showed up when everything else seemed to say no.  My job is not a bad one.  I get to take care of good people, and this is all good, but words can't express how much I miss my church family.  I miss getting hugs from my Sunday School kids.  I miss talking to my extra grandparents and getting their advice and hugs and love.  I miss talking to my married friends that I only ever seem to see at church now.  I miss feeling like I'm connecting to my family and community instead of feeling like a withdrawn loner.  I miss talking to my cousin and her husband and playing with their little girl.  Not being at church every other week makes my life seem stretched, but not at all in a good way.  I feel like every 2 week span is just one week because nothing feels like it's resolved until I'm back in church.

Today, because we're within Advent, Michael was talking about God's plan vs. our own plans.  Michael asked if maybe we were rushing God's plan instead of waiting and letting God lead.  I don't know anymore.

I want to let God lead, but I'm not trusting the way I should. I've struggled with that for quite awhile, but it seems like lately, if I even try to be vulnerable, if I trust people with small things, I get screwed over. The past couple years have worn what's left of my belief in others and myself down to the point where instead of belief cushioning/protecting me it's like none scraping bone. Nothing is protecting me, or at least that's how it feels. 

I'm sure this is my fault, to be honest. I trusted in people, not God. I placed my future in the hands of people I thought I could trust because I was afraid of being left behind. 

Really, I think that's what Michael was trying to point out. We tend to stop following God when we're afraid. We think the path He's leading us down is scary or it seems like it's taking too long. Instead of trusting, we veer off on our own down a different path. One that looks brighter or seems like a shortcut. 

The problem with that is they never work out. You end up at a deadend where you need to backtrack and retrace your steps to the original path. Or you end up hurt and bleeding and in desperate need of healing. Or you end up fighting battles that could've been avoided. Or all of this. 

Truth is, I am scared. I don't feel like my life is working out. I had a poorly healing wound ripped open suddenly today, and I am wondering how long I'll be dealing with this. I know what my heart longs for, and I know my faults. I know I keep trying to take shortcuts around the loneliness and I know all the justifications I try to make for my bad choices, but it all comes down to my fear that this will be my life forever. That I'll always be the lonely, self-depreciating girl struggling to love herself and to be something good in this world. 

I'm going to try to spend this Advent season retraining my heart to follow where God is leading and trying to heal a little. I'd like to be more like Joseph and less like doubting Thomas...

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