I'm thinking about how there's a big hole where my hope and belief and faith should be. I'm thinking about how we're going to have to move Christmas plans around so that we can still have a family Christmas together even though I'm working from 11am to 7pm on Christmas day. I'm thinking about how I'm probably letting fear keep me from a lot of things, and how if I don't start facing some of those fears that I'm going to end up stuck in a miserable job for the rest of my life while probably living in my room at my parents' house because I'll never be able to afford anything else. And now that I'm adding knockoff Bailey's to my hot chocolate, I can head toward my lifelong goal of becoming the next alcoholic in my family tree.
Me. Me. Me.
Here's the good:
I have a family that actually loves me despite everything.
I have a job (and coworkers and a boss that seem to really like me).
I have a kitten that likes to climb up on my chest and sleep.
I have kind and wonderful friends that love me and let me whine and freak out and generally be neurotic.
God keeps showing up, and I know things are working as they should. I just don't understand, and I'm struggling to have patience and grace.
Please God give me grace to get through, and help me to find joy so that I can be something good and not a ridiculous burden to anyone else.
Favorite things of this very moment (9:23 PM CST):
- The epic Christmas music playlist that I have going right now
- Hot chocolate with knockoff Bailey's
- The Chinese paper lanterns I finally figured out how to hang in my room this week
- Jennifer Crusie's writing
- Warm slippers
- Christmas lights hung up all over the living room
- Calle trying to convince me that I'm not making bad life decisions
- My folks coming in the door
- Knowing there's a book of poetry on it's way to my door that will be worth all the wait