Decorate Your Soul

So here we are...it's Friday morning, my back has been trying to go out since last night and I am fighting it with generic icy hot patches and Bayer Back & Body.  Maybe this isn't the ideal way to start a weekend.  Perhaps the fact that I woke up just after 7 in an attempt to get my car's oil change done at a place I ended up never being able to find also plays into the less-than-ideal start to the day, but I've decided the weekend is going to be good.

In a few hours I will be driving to Atlanta.  I'll get my oil changed tomorrow at a more reasonable hour than 7 at a place I know I can find.  Tonight I will go eat drunken noodles (hopefully they'll have tofu again) with Shelby at The Red Orchid and watch "Robin Hood Men in Tights" and laugh a whole lot.  I will stretch out my back, and I will keep moving.  I'm not letting Death Spine win this one again.  I don't have the time or the money to play games with my back again.  

I will find my beautiful sister-in-law the right copy of the children's book I've written so she can continue working on illustrations.  We will get that sucker published yet.  I will actually think about Nikky's question of where I want to be in 5 years because the more I think about it the more I realize, I've got no plans, and I'm no longer okay with that.  

What I know is this: I cannot wait for someone else to plan a life with.  I can't keep putting my future on hold because I'm afraid that if I go ahead and make plans, I'll be alone forever.  Maybe I will be alone or maybe this is just a long season, but either way, putting my life on hold because I'm scared of something I can't be sure of is not going to help.  I nearly died about a year and a half ago, and I think I've been trying to figure out how to live ever since.  I think it's time I work on decorating my own soul and making my world colorful and bright for myself because it's not anyone else's job but mine, and really, if I can make my world more colorful and bright, I think that color will spill into and change the lives of the people I love and meet.

Maybe I should be the one bringing flowers.

Full Speed Into the Dark

Favorite things of this very moment (3:16 PM EST):

• Unsweetened ice tea from The Millhouse (Angie is the best)
• Plans to head to Atlanta tomorrow afternoon to hang out with Shelby for the weekend
• Motor World (because Daddy got me completely hooked on this pointless game)
• Remembering that I have Oreos in my room from Calle (sweet)
• The possibility that Jordan and I will be heading to TN for a day to see Amber, Jake and Ellie at CWS and then spending the weekend with friends in Atlanta in a couple weeks

I need to move again.  I'm back to being antsy and unsettled and frustrated.  I need my own boundaries, privacy and a clean kitchen.  It's time to face everything I'm truly scared of at this point, and move out on my own.

For years now I've just figured my life would follow the path that seems pretty traditional in my family (and for many of my friends as well) where I would just go to school and live with family and/or friends until I found the right person and settled down.  At that point I'd expect to move out and deal with all the joy and wonder of normal rent/housing everything, but I'd also be facing it with the person I plan to face all my future challenges with.  This is not my life.

It's kind of hilarious when I start thinking about the fact that there has ever been a hope that my life would follow a traditional pattern.  Nothing I do seems to go by any cultural/social norms within my family or just the circles I am a part of.  I am, instead, a gypsy.  A nomad.  A wanderer.  Mind you, this is not strictly by choice in any traditional sense, but rather, I begin to get comfortable or use to a place, and I find myself being nudged onward.  Always onward.  Packing my bags, my life, my car back up and heading to the next place.

I don't regret the places and people I've been introduced to along the way.  I don't regret following God's leading to new places.  I don't regret any of that.  I've lived a life few can claim.  My locals haven't been exotic.  I haven't gone to new countries or had to learn new languages, but I've lived in different cities among different people in different states.  Each place is a new culture to learn with new stories and traditions, and in each place I have met people or grown relationships that have helped me to continue to grow into the woman I am trying to become.  I've learned new skills and learned about my shortcomings.  This life grows me and stretches the bounds of my heart.  It tests my trust in God, and it scares the living daylights out of me.

There is a longing in me that wishes I could've lived that other life.  Lived the life where I went to a secular college, become a psychologist or a librarian or taught literature or art history somewhere, found a normal guy, got married, had kids.  My folks were married with 2 kids at this point.  One of my brothers is married.  Most of my close friends are married with little ones.  If I'd have picked my life out of a stack, that would've been the life I chose.

But God knows better.

Lord knows I'm a wanderer by nature, and I love the travel.  I just really wish I could find home again.  Maybe moving out on my own after all these years will find my heart at rest, or maybe I'll just realize I'm beginning the next step onto a new path and into a new adventure. Whatever I'm facing, I'm holding onto God's goodness and praying that I'm discerning enough to see where He's leading and brave enough to follow.

Here I hold to Elizabeth Gilbert's words defining faith as "walking full speed into the dark." Here I go.

Leaning

Is it selfish to pray that God brings you someone to share your life with? There are so many people more together, kinder, prettier, and more deserving than I am. I feel selfish for wanting to find someone to love, but I know what my heart of hearts is longing for in this life. I know I want to spend the rest of my life making someone else's life better every day. I know I want to raise kids in a loving (though probably goofy/crazy) environment with the person I love. I just want, as selfish as it feels, to get a chance to start this relationship before I truly am too old to have healthy kids and watch them grow up. 

I spent the past 2 weeks playing with my beautiful nephews, and I know how much work and stress a family can be, but the joys outweigh the risks. 

I realize that some people are gifted in the talent of being single, but I can't do this forever. It will literally drive me mad. 

I'm going to keep leaning into God. I can't see this path, but I know I'll be moving again in the next few months among other things. God will help me find my way and hopefully I'll come out the other side with a stronger faith and renewed heart. 

Eight

Dear Zuni,

Find myself baking a pair of pies because I didn't think through how putting them off till after I got back from dinner would adversely affect my sleep schedule. Midnight's rolled past, and I realized the date had rolled over as well. I can't pretend that I hadn't already been hyper aware of its looming, but part of me had been trying to ignore what it meant. 

Typically I find myself waking up on this date contemplating taking up drinking temporarily and wishing to remember only the good stuff and not the phone calls. Even that wish makes it worse. 

Time hasn't erased the pain of that day 8 years ago, but it has managed to take the edge off. It doesn't hurt to breathe, and most of the time people can't see how damaged I am. Most days I can wake up, find the good, be grateful to be alive, and make the best of what God's blessed me with, but today will hurt. 

In a few minutes the second pie will be done, I'll clean up, and I'll get myself to bed. The problem will be waking up in a few hours and trying to face this day. 

Most people (and God bless their good luck and healing) won't realize what today is. Most people won't realize 8 years ago today we lost a brilliant author, aspiring filmmaker, true romantic, poet, and my best friend.  I still read your poetry and our emails and notes from time to time. In those moments you still seem close, and I wonder if I'll always remember your laugh. 

Thank you for being the one man who saw the whole of me, and the one man who told me I was beautiful without ever being prompted. I am grateful for the memories I have, the stories, and for your faith in me. The next time I see you, I hope to have some great stories for you and to have proven you right about me. 

I miss you, Zuni. 

Love,

Ms. Cheatwood

Ps. I wrote a children's book about an armadillo. Hoping to get it published sometime soon. I think you'd like it. 

Pps. David and Kelsey got married. You'd have loved their wedding and reception. It was beautiful and hilarious and fun. We missed you. 

When I Can't Sleep

Sometimes I worry

I'm trapped in my own head

What if you're not coming

And nothing can rescue me

As I am falling asleep 

I catch the whisper

Of old dreams & plans

You're voice still echoes

And I keep running

When does my heart stop?

Can't I just lie here

And die here tonight

Just empty this failure

All the hollowed out dreams

There are new scars

On this heart in me

One of these nights

I'll still the whisper

And new words will

Wash over me

It'll soak through the pain

Till it fills up the heart in me

And finally, finally

It'll find me healing and free

A Little Advice

Baby,

You need to look into going back to school.  Yeah, it will be a lot of money that we don't have, but it's still looking like it might be the best option.  Maybe we could major in psychology with a minor in English Lit.  Grief counseling is seeming like it's a more viable option than just about anything else.  Think about all the people who open up and talk to you about just about anything on their hearts.  Yeah, it would hurt to listen to a lot of it and you'd have to learn how to not cry over so many things, but maybe, just maybe it would be something we could actually do to help other people.  Think about all the pain you went through losing Heather and Zuni and Sarah and all the other people you love that you've lost.  Don't you think having someone walk alongside you through the mass of grief you felt would've been a huge godsend?  Sometimes people just need someone who is listening.

Or maybe we should major in English Lit and then become a prof who gets to explain to students every day why books and literature still matter.  You'd get to use the word catharsis on a regular basis again, and let's be honest, you love that word.

If you don't do either (or both) of these things, than we need to really look into publishing some of the rambling things you've already written.  Get that children's book published.  It's adorable, and you know it could sell.  You'd even get to dedicate it to Conor because, let's face it, when you wrote it, you wrote it for him.  And you'd also have to dedicate it to Maggie.  You promised her that your first book (because she believed it even when you didn't, still kinda don't) would be dedicated to her.  Or write one of those stories that gets stuck in your throat when you try to talk to someone about it.  Talk about the men you let close to your heart or the one you planned to marry or the one you hoped you would.  Or maybe stick to writing more children's books.  

Just do something, sweetheart. Otherwise all the things you've been holding onto or wishing for...they're never going to happen.  Make something happen.  It's time.

Love,

me

Mulligan of the Heart

Favorite things of this very moment (4:35 PM EST):

• Closest I Get by Katie Herzig
• Vanilla Almond Milk
• Texts for Shelby that remind me of terrible/wonderful jokes
• Checking items of my to-do list
• Clean looking nails
• My migraine finally deciding to back off
• The IT Crowd (I'm in the 3rd season already, and it's so hilarious...I hate that there's only one additional season for me to watch on NetFlix.  Meh)

I hadn't made a list like that in a long time, and it was long overdue.  I was talking to my lovely friend, Heather last the past couple days about how I need a do-over of the soul.  I want a mulligan of the heart.

Last week I spent a lot of time being stuck in situations that I didn't expect.  I got snowed/iced in to Atlanta, GA.  (How does this even happen?  It's supposed to be warm down here?)  I had a long walk/talk with a friend who told me they once wanted to be a dancer and when I told them I also once had wanted to be one...I realized no one probably had ever heard me speak of that long-dormant wish since I was probably 6 or 7 years old.  I can look back now and say it was probably for the best that I didn't pursue that dream as I have a very wide bone structure and even at my skinniest would never have been chosen to dance professionally anywhere (plus I have the worst balance/coordination ever and probably would have destroyed my ankles early on), but still...I don't know if I've talked about that dream since I was quite young.  Weirder still was then being told by the same friend that he thinks I have a beautiful bone structure and arms.  Two compliments that I not only had never received before in my life, but also never could have thought to be hearing said of me.  It was nice to just be hearing kind, though strange, words about myself.  No one ever wants to say anything about my physical appearance, and it was just lovely to hear something good.

What else?

I spent one of my snowed/iced in nights sleeping in a living room with 3 other wonderful/hilarious people all of whom are a good 7-10 years younger than me.  All of them spent a good deal talking about mistakes they've made growing up and the struggles they are trying to overcome as people trying to come closer to God.  It was bizarre and inspiring and heart wrenching all at the same time.  They made me really look at my heart as of late and reassess.

It was pretty easy to see that I have let myself become a tangled mess, a heart covered with so much in the way of scar tissue that I can barely tell it's beating anymore.  My loneliness has lead to bitterness which has lead me to a lot of time spent just ignoring God out of tiredness and fear.  I've been alone for nearly 9 years at this point, and I suppose I should be use to it by now, but instead of working harder to grow into the woman I'd like to be...in a lot of ways I've been giving up.  I've been bitter because I just am struggling to see where I'm going.  People will tell you that you don't need to see where you're going, that you just need to have faith.  To trust that God will lead you where you need to go...

All those sentiments are true.  You do need to have faith and trust that God's gonna lead you where you need to be, but I also think--I think--you need to have something to run towards.  I don't know if I really have that anymore.  I should.  I have many amazing things happening in my life, but I feel like I keep watching everyone around me find what they're looking for while I'm still trying to figure out what direction I'm heading.

I jokingly told a friend of mine the other day that maybe I'll move to Canada next.  They seem friendly and kind up there.  We've got a couple churches in Canada.  There are a lot of trees and lakes.  Why not?

And then I think, but I'm supposed to be creating a nonprofit that will help young people find their passion and find a way to use it for good.  Ironically, I'm not sure what I want.

I want to be helping to encourage and build up the hearts of the people around me.  I want to help them find hope and love and feel God's hand and love in their lives.  

My problem is that this bitterness that I've let creep in and slowly take hold of my heart...it's tossed my hope out the window.  It's been trying to bury it or hide it or cover its tracks.  

So here's my thought, I want that mulligan.  I want to re-do all of this.  I want to toss out all the weird that's been holding me back and turning my light to dark.  I want to say more kind things, be honest about my needs upfront, want to write more thank you's and kind letters.  I want to read more books and drink more green tea and take my vitamins and relish the sunshine and keep my Christmas lights up all the year because they make me smile.  I want to give people little gifts and return the things I've borrowed.  I want to pay off my debts and learn more Italian words and let Calle teach me a couple chords on my ukulele.  I want to take the time to read my Bible every day (I did finally remember to pick up the Bible reading program thing that Bethel is doing so I can actually be involved in my church like I should be) and actually do more ab workouts.

It's a lot of weird little things and maybe they won't actually change anything, but maybe they'll change everything.

Worth a shot isn't it?  Anything's better than letting my heart actually get cold.

More good.  Be good.  Find the good.