Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Mulligan of the Heart

Favorite things of this very moment (4:35 PM EST):

  • Closest I Get by Katie Herzig
  • Vanilla Almond Milk
  • Texts for Shelby that remind me of terrible/wonderful jokes
  • Checking items of my to-do list
  • Clean looking nails
  • My migraine finally deciding to back off
  • The IT Crowd (I'm in the 3rd season already, and it's so hilarious...I hate that there's only one additional season for me to watch on NetFlix.  Meh)
I hadn't made a list like that in a long time, and it was long overdue.  I was talking to my lovely friend, Heather last the past couple days about how I need a do-over of the soul.  I want a mulligan of the heart.

Last week I spent a lot of time being stuck in situations that I didn't expect.  I got snowed/iced in to Atlanta, GA.  (How does this even happen?  It's supposed to be warm down here?)  I had a long walk/talk with a friend who told me they once wanted to be a dancer and when I told them I also once had wanted to be one...I realized no one probably had ever heard me speak of that long-dormant wish since I was probably 6 or 7 years old.  I can look back now and say it was probably for the best that I didn't pursue that dream as I have a very wide bone structure and even at my skinniest would never have been chosen to dance professionally anywhere (plus I have the worst balance/coordination ever and probably would have destroyed my ankles early on), but still...I don't know if I've talked about that dream since I was quite young.  Weirder still was then being told by the same friend that he thinks I have a beautiful bone structure and arms.  Two compliments that I not only had never received before in my life, but also never could have thought to be hearing said of me.  It was nice to just be hearing kind, though strange, words about myself.  No one ever wants to say anything about my physical appearance, and it was just lovely to hear something good.

What else?

I spent one of my snowed/iced in nights sleeping in a living room with 3 other wonderful/hilarious people all of whom are a good 7-10 years younger than me.  All of them spent a good deal talking about mistakes they've made growing up and the struggles they are trying to overcome as people trying to come closer to God.  It was bizarre and inspiring and heart wrenching all at the same time.  They made me really look at my heart as of late and reassess.

It was pretty easy to see that I have let myself become a tangled mess, a heart covered with so much in the way of scar tissue that I can barely tell it's beating anymore.  My loneliness has lead to bitterness which has lead me to a lot of time spent just ignoring God out of tiredness and fear.  I've been alone for nearly 9 years at this point, and I suppose I should be use to it by now, but instead of working harder to grow into the woman I'd like to be...in a lot of ways I've been giving up.  I've been bitter because I just am struggling to see where I'm going.  People will tell you that you don't need to see where you're going, that you just need to have faith.  To trust that God will lead you where you need to go...

All those sentiments are true.  You do need to have faith and trust that God's gonna lead you where you need to be, but I also think--I think--you need to have something to run towards.  I don't know if I really have that anymore.  I should.  I have many amazing things happening in my life, but I feel like I keep watching everyone around me find what they're looking for while I'm still trying to figure out what direction I'm heading.

I jokingly told a friend of mine the other day that maybe I'll move to Canada next.  They seem friendly and kind up there.  We've got a couple churches in Canada.  There are a lot of trees and lakes.  Why not?

And then I think, but I'm supposed to be creating a nonprofit that will help young people find their passion and find a way to use it for good.  Ironically, I'm not sure what I want.

I want to be helping to encourage and build up the hearts of the people around me.  I want to help them find hope and love and feel God's hand and love in their lives.  

My problem is that this bitterness that I've let creep in and slowly take hold of my heart...it's tossed my hope out the window.  It's been trying to bury it or hide it or cover its tracks.  

So here's my thought, I want that mulligan.  I want to re-do all of this.  I want to toss out all the weird that's been holding me back and turning my light to dark.  I want to say more kind things, be honest about my needs upfront, want to write more thank you's and kind letters.  I want to read more books and drink more green tea and take my vitamins and relish the sunshine and keep my Christmas lights up all the year because they make me smile.  I want to give people little gifts and return the things I've borrowed.  I want to pay off my debts and learn more Italian words and let Calle teach me a couple chords on my ukulele.  I want to take the time to read my Bible every day (I did finally remember to pick up the Bible reading program thing that Bethel is doing so I can actually be involved in my church like I should be) and actually do more ab workouts.

It's a lot of weird little things and maybe they won't actually change anything, but maybe they'll change everything.

Worth a shot isn't it?  Anything's better than letting my heart actually get cold.

More good.  Be good.  Find the good.

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