There are so many, many words and I'm not sure if any of them are appropriate or good. I woke up and have been thanking God all day for how beautiful it was. If it hadn't been beautiful today, I'm pretty sure I would have ignored all 5 of the messages I had and would have just slept for the rest of my day.
I'm wondering what the point of all of this is. Last night before I went to sleep I asked God to just show me whether or not this was really worth my time because I was really struggling with that. Is this man really worth the wait and feeling broken so much? I just wasn't sure if I could do this, but then the morning broke and I realized I'd fallen asleep talking to him. And the more I talked to my mother and my roommates, the more I realized I'm not that crazy. There's something about this guy that calls deeply to me, and even if he isn't the right guy, what's going on between us, it's far from over.
I keep asking if I'm doing the right things, and all I'm hearing is yes. Everyone says yes, and I just keep praying. Praying and praying and praying.
The weirdest thing though would have to be talking to Mom about all of this. It's not weird to talk to her, but it was weird talking to her today...I think she finally understands that I'm not playing around here. This one is different. Not sure what that entails at this point, but it is different.
The other bit of today messing with me is this crazy financial plan assignment. It's a healthy idea and I know I should be able to do this, but I feel crippled by this. I feel like a failure as an adult is really what it is. How am I supposed to do this? I do not have a job, and it's only by the grace of God that I'm getting by at all. I trust every day that He'll provide what I need, and He does, but how do you write that into a financial plan? And how do you explain that you don't have future financial goals because you have no idea what you want to do with your life? And you don't need life insurance because you've got literally no one depending on you because you can barely take care of yourself? This assignment makes me feel like a failure. Exciting.
I guess what I need now is to make my favorite things list. I need to think about the good.
Favorite Things of this Very Moment (9:49 pm EST):
- "Easy Target" by Blink 182
- Knowing I found the Bible Sam wanted
- Jay, Jordan, Kimmie, Miiiitch, Regina, Amber & Jake and their invaluable prayers
- Knowing I got Regina's pants taken care of
- "Karma" by Alicia Keys
- Regina being home
- That my iPod is actually working after I thought it had died (thank God for the little miracles)
- Remembering the good talks with Mom, Amber, Jake, Mitch & Kimmie
Life is going to be alright.