Thursday, April 1, 2010

Those Who Risk Win

Favorite things of this very moment (11:16 am CST):

  • Sunshine, glorious sunshine
  • Having the doors and windows open to let in the glorious and beautiful spring breeze (it's supposed to be up to 82 degrees today!)
  • Mix cds
  • Knowing I'll be running down to Dixon to pick up my new glasses in a short while
  • Sunshine (honest, it's perfect)

Lately I've been thinking a lot about God's will for my life. I know that sounds fairly...uh...actually I don't have the right words this morning. I just know it sounds silly to say things like that to my own ears. Not because I don't believe that God has intentions for my life and for the lives of others, but because it always sounds weird to say that about myself. Makes me feel like I'm trying to put something on. It just never sounds as real as it should, but's true. And that's what I've been doing.

At small group this last Sunday night, one of the members asked how you were supposed to know God was calling you to some place. I thought that was a brilliant and valid question. I wonder this often. Dan said he thought it was usually discerned through a great deal of prayer, and in he and Rachel's case, discussing it with other believers whose faith is strong and they respected. He said when they were trying to figure out where they needed to go things just kinda fell into place and everyone they talked to about this confirmed where they were thinking about moving to.

I spoke up to. (Like I said, I've been thinking about this a lot lately.) I said I think sometimes God speaks through restlessness. That probably sounds a little bizarre, but I really do think that you feel it when you're not in the right place. You start getting stir crazy and no matter how many places you volunteer and services you perform for your church and the people you love, you still don't feel like you're in the right place. That's when you know it's time to move on.

Nikky and I have been talking about this. A lot.

The thing of it is...that virtually sums up my existence. Nikky's too I think. We're restless and stir crazy. There's nothing more I can do here. All the people I love are being taken care of. The one person I was most worried to leave got married last fall, and she's got a wonderful husband who I know will do all he can to nurture her and make her happy. My dear friend, Jay doesn't really need me here. I once hoped he'd be what kept me tied here, but in the end, he was one of the factors that helped me realize that it was time to move on.

And it is time to move on.

Nik and I have been talking about moving for a year and half (or is it longer? I don't know anymore, probably longer), but haven't acted on it. It's scary to leave home behind. Especially when you know you're safe as long as you're at home, but the thing is...I don't want to just be "safe" anymore. It's not enough.

I'm scared to death to be perfectly honest, but I want this. I want to change my life and I want to feel alive and useful again.

So I'm going to move. I'm not going to give you details or times or dates or even the location yet, but I've decided. It's time. Scared as I am, I think God will help it all fall into place. I've submitted my plans to the LORD, and honestly, it's felt pretty confirmed. People I love are already excited about the prospect for me doing this because I'll be closer to them if all goes well, and I know it's going to come down to me stepping out in faith and doing what I'm scared of. Plus, with Nikky planning on coming to, I know I'll always have someone who understands how I'm feeling. God will take care of us, and it will be worth it.

After all, those who risk win.

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