Monday, November 23, 2009

Dreams in the Fog

(the above picture is by Graysen Pack)

Favorite things of this very moment (9:09 am CST):
  • Being awake
  • Having already talked to Ben and knowing I'll get to hang out with him at some point today
  • Angels & Airwaves
  • Spinning in the computer chair
  • Trying and failing to finish a bowl of cereal which for some reason seemed like the best thing in the universe at the time and now seems like a bowl of unnecessary blah
  • The shuffle function on iTunes
  • "Bleed" by Further Seems Forever (the accoustic version)

There is a mist covering over everything this morning. A hazy low fog. I woke up this morning and pulled my blind back. I do this whenever I know I have to get up. Just an immediate reaction, and I always find myself hoping for a glimpse of something more. Today I was just hoping for some sunshine. The glow of sunlight always does wonderful things for my generally grogy mind. Today I didn't find any such luck. Instead I found a bright white fog. It felt blinding streaming light in through the darkness of my quiet room.

The fog makes me feel trapped and claustrophobic. I hate driving through it more than almost anything. You just never know what's going to walk out of that fog. Despite that, Mom and I still managed to take a walk this morning. I love these walks, they tend to clear the fog out of my own mind and memory.

This morning it brought back the dream I'd had last night. I had a dream that Cally was in the house. This was incredibly confusing because I knew Cally was dead. I knew she had been buried, and I also knew I had taken the tag off her collar. The whole dream was upsetting and confusing because no one knew what was going on, and I realized that I still had Cally's tag in my room. This new mystery cat, the Cally imposter was in the house acting just like my Cally had. Mira was incredibly upset. The purpose of this dream is lost on me, but it left me feeling frustrated and upset. Not exactly a mood you want to carry over into the morning.

My dreams seem to frequently color my waking mood. Lately a lot of them have involved the army. I'm not wholly sure what brought this on, but my mom pointed out that I have a lot of close friends in the military. I also have a friend who is currently considering joining. I will support my friends who join, but I'd really rather they found other jobs. I realized this morning though that a lot of my issue with this is just that I can't do anything to protect them. That's not entirely true, I can pray for them. Outside of that though, it's completely out of my hands. It frustrates me. I'm glad God is patient with me...

Dreams mean so much to me. I'm sure many of them are nothing more than the jumble in my head and heart pieced together by the whispers of the night, but sometimes they change things. My dreams have given me hope when there wasn't any left in my heart, and they've told me things that I didn't want to face in my waking hours. They've forwarned me of heartbreak, and given me peace when all around me was turmoil. No one will ever be able to convince me that God doesn't work through dreams.

Maybe dreams are just a light in the fog...burning away the clouds and doubt to reveal something that had been hidden, we just needed to get close enough to really see it.

Just a thought.

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