Stand Up & Be True

I want to reach out

to every single question

& hold them close to my chest

You ask so many things

I've always wanted to explain

Hearing you say something so simple

It's such a beautiful name. 

It is

It's my name. 

I am the beautiful name

Could I be something so beautiful to you?

Stand up & be true

Those words sink into me

Like a bite into my heart, my veins

Be true. 

Can you be true?

As reminders go,

words visible on your strong wrists

give me a long forgotten hope

Perhaps. 

Perhaps. 

Perhaps...

Put Down that Cookie!

Having just had my youngest brother trying to convince me that Arnold Schwarzenegger movies are worth my time (just...no.  True Lies is the only one you're going to get me to watch willingly) and having made myself hot chocolate with added booze (for flavor or something), I'm trying to recapture some kind of Christmas spirit.  This season is supposed to be about the birth of a holy child, the savior of mankind, and do you know what I'm thinking about?  Me.

I'm thinking about how there's a big hole where my hope and belief and faith should be.  I'm thinking about how we're going to have to move Christmas plans around so that we can still have a family Christmas together even though I'm working from 11am to 7pm on Christmas day.  I'm thinking about how I'm probably letting fear keep me from a lot of things, and how if I don't start facing some of those fears that I'm going to end up stuck in a miserable job for the rest of my life while probably living in my room at my parents' house because I'll never be able to afford anything else.  And now that I'm adding knockoff Bailey's to my hot chocolate, I can head toward my lifelong goal of becoming the next alcoholic in my family tree.

Me. Me. Me.

Here's the good:
I have a family that actually loves me despite everything.
I have a job (and coworkers and a boss that seem to really like me).
I have a kitten that likes to climb up on my chest and sleep.
I have kind and wonderful friends that love me and let me whine and freak out and generally be neurotic.
God keeps showing up, and I know things are working as they should.  I just don't understand, and I'm struggling to have patience and grace.

Please God give me grace to get through, and help me to find joy so that I can be something good and not a ridiculous burden to anyone else.

Siiiiigh.


Favorite things of this very moment (9:23 PM CST):

• The epic Christmas music playlist that I have going right now
• Hot chocolate with knockoff Bailey's
• The Chinese paper lanterns I finally figured out how to hang in my room this week
• Jennifer Crusie's writing
• Warm slippers
• Christmas lights hung up all over the living room
• Calle trying to convince me that I'm not making bad life decisions
• My folks coming in the door
• Knowing there's a book of poetry on it's way to my door that will be worth all the wait

It's Always Something

Morning will come too soon, but I'm wondering if it's normal to be giddy for ten straight minutes after the shop clerk strikes up a conversation with you about a movie you're buying two copies of as gifts. I mean, he was super attractive and today was the first time I'd ever seen him smile, but still?

Am I maladjusted at 28 because I turn into a giddy teen girl over the cute guy smiling at me and striking up a conversation? Usually guys are just polite to me or ignore me. Maybe I'm just really out of practice. 

Maybe the only thing that's wrong with me is that I'm wondering if something's wrong with me...

Particles

As usual, I should be asleep, but I'm not. Instead, I'm vaguely thinking about a guy I'm developing a friendship with, my new training tomorrow, money, and calculating how much sleep I'll get tonight based on how soon I can convince myself to sleep. 

I met this guy recently, and didn't think much about him at the time because work has pretty close to consumed my life. But the past couple days I've actually gotten to spend a little more time getting to know him. He seems kind, funny, and like he's actually focused on you entirely when you speak out of actual interest. I think I kinda like him. That alone seems odd because it's been quite some time since I felt any affection or interest towards anyone. This may pass. Maybe I'll find out he kicks puppies or hates pie and infants, but he may turn out to be a good guy. 

Will anything happen? Probably not. I'm not trying to be pessimistic just realistic. He could be in a serious relationship or not find my remotely attractive or he could be way too young for me (he's got a hard to determine age face). I won't get to see him often because we don't run into each other much, but it's something to look forward to. :)

Soul Assassin

I am awake. This is not a good thing. In less than 6&1/2 hrs I need to wake up so I can walk to work. I am tired, but I'm still wired from running the kitchen tonight at work. I was told it went alright, and we did get everything done, but we were 15 minutes late leaving and I spilled a good portion of a mop bucket on the floor adding to our lateness. Sure that wasn't a lot, but considering I took one less than 15 minute break and didn't even have to make all 3 of my entrées ... I still don't feel great about running the kitchen. I don't cook again until next Friday, so maybe I'll forget how weird tonight was by then. 

Maybe I'm just not meant to be in charge. I really like being someone floating in the background. It just seems to be so much better for everyone when I'm not center stage. 

The funny thing about this is that Kim, the normal night cook, told me I need to be confident. That's what she wants for me in the job. For me to be confident. I realize she means that she wants me to feel certain in the job and feel good about what I'm doing, but I could really use real confidence. 

I just feel so ill at ease. Can I do this job? Can I remember all these different stations? Can I remember the dang pan sizes? Will I actually make enough? 

Can I do this?

I haven't felt confident in ages. I loved working in the Pharmacy because after they trained me I felt like I could always get whatever they needed done and I was fantastic at remembering everything. Before that I loved Kable. I was one of the fastest people they had on staff and they kept asking me to learn new little things so I could be more involved with the job. I miss feeling like I have bearings and am actually competent at my job. 

I guess I'm just looking for something to show me I'm where I'm needed so that I don't have to feel like I'm needlessly complicating everyone around me's jobs. Or just lives in general. 

I just want to be able to say: this is my place. This is my path. I belong here. This is right. 

I am not there yet. 

I am A-Changin'

Some days I look around at my life and I am just proud that I'm still moving. I haven't given in to the doubt or confusion of it all. Nope. Instead, I'm still waking up and finding a reason to get out of bed. 

I am not perfect. I am not even sure that I'm good, but I'm trying. I was just reading a note I wrote to myself nearly a year ago about a pair of great dreams I had. Reading them felt foreign. I remembered having the dreams and how much I had hoped they were a sign of something new and changing on the horizon, but nothing changed. 

I take it back. Everything has changed. I moved home, I had to give up a plan to return to school and the future I had been trying so hard to build because I was working with and believing in someone who couldn't seem to come through for me in anything. I've started another job, but I've realized, just from that note, how much I've changed. 

God only knows what will come next, but I'll keep trying to build a life for myself. If that set of dreams ever come back to me, maybe I'll have help building my life, but in the meantime, I'll carry on alone. 

Life really is changing. I'm changing. I may accept this yet. 

Would You Know Me Without the Mask?

There's nothing quite so soul-emptying as trying to convey something to someone else and having them suddenly realize the version of you they have always thought was you is, in fact, only a hidden door which you just opened up and now suddenly they find themselves faced with part of you that makes them wonder if, perhaps, you're actually a little crazy.

Ha.

Yes.  I am crazy.  At least a little.  I tend to get fixated on an idea or concept that fascinates me and need to talk to someone about it.  I just need someone I trust to bring up weird stuff with and have them actually respond somehow.

Do you have any idea how hard that is to do?  Do you have any idea how many texts, emails, letters, notes I will never send?  Do you have any idea how hard it is to be locked up inside yourself because you are pretty sure that if people really knew who you were or what interested you or lit you up or confused you that they would think you're joking or crazy or maybe they'd decide they didn't want to know you?

You probably do.  Because, if we're being honest, we're all pretty good at hiding who we are or what we think or feel depending on what we want people to think of us.  It's tiring isn't it?

I just want to sleep.


Favorite things of this very moment (8:48 PM CST):

• "So At Last" by Butch Walker
• A Natural History of Love by Diane Ackerman (I also kinda hate this book)
• Knowing tomorrow will actually start the hiring process for Pinecrest and that I should, barring incident, have a real job soon
• My fan
• Unsweetened ice tea in an old QT cup (nice to have bits from all my homes and travels in one place)
• The feeling of success from making eggplant Parmesan for the first time ever this evening