Goodbye, Kable.

Dear Kable,

I would say, but I know this letter simply confirms our goodbye. I know you don't want me anymore and that this is the end of relationship, but I still feel I have a few things to say.

First, I'd like to thank you for the years we had together. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be able to type at speeds that make my friends and family twitch at times. I wouldn't be able to type numbers at all, and I wouldn't know that towns like King of Prussia or names like Szilassy exist. I also wouldn't know that there are roughly a million different spellings for the name "Ashley." And, of course, I wouldn't realize the large variety of magazines that exist in the universe. My favorite it still Window Fashions. Few things have made me happier than that magazine and all it implies.

You were also the one that helped force Zuni and I together. You inspired so many terrible mix cds, story ideas, long discussions, and overtime. You caused me to fall in love with post-it notes and to have a constant need to have hand-sanitizer nearby. Because of you, I made friends with some improbable people, listened to quite a few great audiobooks (and a pathetic one or two), fall in love with a great number of bands and begin to deeply study lyrics.

Of course, there were bad things too: the unkept promise of overtime, the crushed dream of having something steady and stable for as long as I needed, the extensive number of pornographic magazines that come through your doors, the multiple desk moves, and the never ending dust. Then of course you also forced me to share my desk with a few different temps who all thought they had a right to reorganize my desk, and then there was, of course, the stapler thief who was smart enough to return my stapler after I wrote them a carefully worded note... Sometimes the office really was like something out of "Office Space."

Kable, what I'm trying to say is, I would have gladly stayed with you forever. I enjoyed being there with you more than I can say. I always found my time with you to be satisfying, and I've been struggling with letting go. Now I've come to realize that it's too late to come to terms with this. The end had been coming for so long, and I'd been watching it creep towards me. I guess being kicked out last night just threw me off and caused me to realize that this really was happening to me.

And now I'm on my own and looking all over again. I think you really messed up this time, Kable, but that's not my call I guess. I hope, as pathetic as this may sound, that you really regret losing me as time goes on. I hope you realize that I was incredibly helpful and important to you, and mostly, I hope you struggle to move on without me. That would only make this fair.

Don't worry about me. I'm going to make it just fine. I have plans, and I'm already working to fulfill them. Maybe I'll look back on this and smile in a few years because this may be just what I needed to push me to grow into the woman I need to be. Maybe then I'll be able to thank you, but I guess only time will tell.

So this is it. Goodbye, Kable. I'll miss you.

Love,
Jaymin

Sometimes You Realize

(Above picture is Carson, spring 2007, posing for his "Senior Picture" in one of the big trees down by the Rock River at Lowell Park)

Favorite things of this very moment (9:42 pm CST):

• Cherry Carmex (if it makes this stupid fever blister, I'll be ecstatic)
• Christmas lights
• Being at home
• The Christmas stocking hanging from my dresser drawer that was given to me at work today (Jackie made them for everyone, and they're filled with chocolate...brilliant)
• Knowing that a) a box will be on its way here to me sometime tomorrow, b) that Christmas is only 9 days away, c) Wild Berry wine cooler & good movie (Hot Rod or The Holiday) await me when I finish this post
• That my large brown cat that loves me more than she likes to admit

My fingers are cold, but most of the rest of me is doing alright. I have on my fuzzy burgundy socks, and I've put more Carmex on my fever blister. The socks make me happy, and the Cherry Carmex really isn't terrible tasting or smelling like I feared it would be. It rather soothing actually.

I'm just reflecting a bit. I've been having weird dreams again lately. One from this past weekend involved the world coming pretty close to ending. Giant tidal wave, earth quakes, that sort of thing. Somehow though I woke up not feeling at all worried. Normally a dream like that would have left me shaken and twitchy, but the other morning when I woke up, I simply felt a twinge of sadness in its wake. How bizarre.

The other dream that stands out to me was about Carson. Kayladrew's younger brother. A kind, quiet guy with a wicked sense of humor and magical hands when it comes to a guitar. He's a pretty cool guy, that Carson. In the dream though, he was moving. Far away. To Alaska. I was sad. Through most of the dream I was just trying to make sure I'd still be able to talk to him. That he knew I would actually still want to hear from him. Carson and I may not be super close, but he's been a part of my life for a long time now, and not having him around is sad. This dream was pretty well based in reality. I just found out a little while back that he's considering moving to Alaska. Several friends of our's live up there now, and one of his cousins does as well. I think that sadness of Carson being so far away just seeped into my dreams. I know I'm planning on moving, but Carson is like...well...he's like home. He's just part of this area, and thinking maybe I won't see him when I come home (however sporadic) seems so bizarre. It will be like something is missing.

Does it suprise you when you realize how much a part of your life someone really is?

I guess it shouldn't, but it did. If he leaves, it will mean awkward stilted letters and possibly boxes of stuff. Cookies, random mix cds, hideously cheesy thing. I'll miss him.

And on that note, I need to go to bed. Or at least put on pjs and watch a movie and stop thinking so much.

Good night.

ps. One more picture:

(This picture is from the lesson I did on guarding your heart. Carson is showing off his heart security system. Spring 2007. I think it's guarded by be a fence and maybe some barbwire, not to mention a moat. Definitely a moat. And Jay's the big tall guy off to the side who thinks I'm nuts for even suggesting a group of semi-adult-like people and a few young kids draw heart security systems in sidewalk chalk on the church parking lot. This is why Carson is a great guy, he just does these thing without seriously questioning my sanity. At least not to my face. ha.)

Inventory

Items purchased this morning before 10am CST:

• 2 Viva2 Tires to replace my constantly leaking front tires (when you have to put air in your tires several times a week, if not more, this is when you know you must get new tires, even if the price makes you cringe and want to cry)
• 1 tube Burt's Bees chapstick to replace the almost empty tube now residing in my pocket
• 1 container Burt's Bees Hand Salve to put in my purse because my hands are distrubingly busted up right now and they need some help
• 2 undisclosable (is that a proper word?) items because they made me smile and I think they'll make my dear best friend smile too
• 1 package of red socks (5 pairs) for the Christmas gift thing at church (they're given to people at a home in Oregon, I love being able to do something, even if it is small)
• 1 pair ultra soft red socks (the woman wanted red socks, and I wanted to cover ALL my bases)
• 1 pair red & green Christmas penguin socks (oh yes! And these are also for the nice lady who wanted red socks)
• 1 pair man's winter gloves (for the nice gentleman at the church who needed them) which are super soft and should be super warm
• 2 bottles sparkling juices because they were on sale, you can never have too many, and because this is the Christmas season and there is always a reason to celebrate
• 1 pair flannel sheets which are white with multi-colored snowflakes on them because I finally had to toss my flannel sheets last year when they developed a hole (I think it may have started when I accidently clipped them with scissors, at least that's what I'm guessing created the hole, knowing me)

Yes. And now, I will be done doing any real purchases for awhile. My money will mainly go into paying for gas in my car, contacts, and car payments until I find a new job. I'm praying that tomorrow I will run across several places that desperately want to hire a 23-year-old girl with only her associates degree and some odd ball skills to back her up. That and her ever so charming personality combined with her excellent work ethic and integrity. Let us hope.

I guess what this comes down to is a hope that you will keep me in your prayers and that nothing else will go wrong with my car. Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration is the most frustrating vehicle I have encountered maybe ever (outside of David's cars which up until his purchase of his new-ish Camry have been even more questionable than mine).

With that being said, I guess I should go wrap some Christmas present and get the last of my pre-work stuff done. May you have a wonderful day full of joy, sunshine, laughter, and absolutely free of car issues.

Tick

Favorite things of this very moment (10:02 am CST):

• The eggnog in my coffee
• Emails from a very tall, very silly friend
• Knowing I have some great plans for today
• The anticpation of Christmas
• More importantly, the anticpation of the box from Nikky (woohoo!)
• My Christmas mix for this year (which is playing "Bless Us All" from "A Muppet Christmas Carol" right now)

For anyone unaware of this particular phenomenon: I have a tick. Up until about 3 years ago, I'd never had one. Never had a twitch of any kind unless it was the kind you had to fake while acting or when I was being sarcastic with Jeff's bad behavior. When I started working in customer service at Kable, I developed a tick. The corner of my left eye will just spasmatically start twitching. It was horrible while I was in customer service. The longer I was there the worse it was.

Well, now that I'm on the brink of being unemployed (December 18th is coming more quickly than I ever imagined it would), the tick has returned. It's stress.

In a way the tick is kind of a good thing. It points out to me that something is wrong, that I need to make some changes in my life. When I was in customer service, it alerted me that my job was not worth the frustration. Even if the pay was fantastic for me. It really wasn't very much money, but it was my first full-time job and I thought it was amazing. I actually could pay for everything I needed, and kept myself fully out of debt. It was fantastic. That I miss. That is what I am looking for.

The tick tells me that my life is in for change. That this is inevitable. That despite my reservations, I am making a leap without being able to see the other side of the gap.

I am terrified. This is also what the tick means. I am scared out of my mind, and I hate this. Not knowing, not being able to control the outcome fully. Not feeling fully stable....these things make me crazy, and the tick comes out full force in those situations.

I'll be grateful when I can locate a new job. A new form of stability until I have to make my next leap...because they're always on the horizon.

Wish me luck, and please be praying for me. Thanks.

Gifts and Magic

Favorite things of this very moment (9:15 am CST):

• Sunshine on the snow (though blinding, it makes everything sparkly)
• Louis Armstrong singing Christmas songs
• Talking to my mom
• The sound of the heater kicking on
• Mira lounging like a mountain lion on the back of the couch next to me

Today is already a beautiful thing. I don't have anything special planned. I don't have anywhere to go besides work. I don't have anything else that I have to do at all really. There's just something promising about a Friday. Especially a Friday before Christmas. It's rather lovely, and in my case, fairly well relaxed.

I love that in the Christmas story in Luke 2 it says that after the sheperds came to see Jesus that "Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." It must have been overwhelming, but I think it must have also been rather wonderful. I guess mornings like this give me a slight sense of that. I'm looking out across the frozen backyards of my neighbors across a shimmering blanket of snow and frosted trees, and what I'm pondering is Christmas. Treasuring in my heart all the joy this blessed season harbors.

God loved me so much that He sent his little one into this world. He sent a baby. A little boy. This makes me think of Carter. My friends, Brian and Hannah just had their little boy last week. The joy I feel in this is overwhelming. My friends, Todd and Shelley brought home their newborn baby, Noah as well. Todd and Shelley have been trying to adopt children for years, and in the past few months so much has changed for them. They were given a beautiful little 4 year old girl, Abigail (who I adore more than words can say), and they'll officially have adopted her this coming month. On top of this, they've also been given the gift of this brandnew baby boy, Noah. December is a magical month. God is giving more gifts.

Does that amaze anyone else? The sheer unumerable number of gifts that God has and is giving us? Even now. All these wonderful new babies: Carter, Noah, Aria (my friends, Kyle and Angies new baby girl). The warmth of our homes. The love of our familes. Our wonderful friends. What about the delightful pancakes I had this morning?

Everything is a gift.

I guess what I'm saying is, no matter what you're struggling with, no matter what I'm struggling with, God is still there, and He is still creating perfect, beautiful things in our lives. Even when we don't see them right away. Let's try to keep our eyes open for the beauty and wonder that God is placing in our lives. For the gifts and for the magic. This season is full of both.

What the Strainer Caught

Favorite Things of this Very Moment (10:49 am CST):

• "What the Strainer Caught" mix
• Christmas lights
• Powdered sugar snow that's coating everything outside
• Clean water
• Knowing people I love will be receiving special holiday surprises/greetings in the mail
• Having my major errand of the morning completed
• Writing real responses to emails
• Having a new book of stamps sitting on the footstool just waiting for letters to be sent
• The sounds of the heater mixed with Cake singing "I Will Survive"
• That only my pinkies seem to get cold (Why is that?)
• Chubby little squirrels who seem to be living for each and every moment while jumping through all the trees of the neighbor hood finding berries and whatnot to munch this fine December morning
• Adjectives

My brain is a seething mass of thoughts and emotions completely incapable of slowing or holding still. I have felt, often lately, that I just can't contain them all. There's always something trying to escape. Maybe I just haven't done such a great job of expressing them lately. It just seems too much.

It becomes increasingly weird when you get to a point where you realize that your emotions or something deeper in you is making it impossible to think of anything but reaching over and grabbing someone's hand. When it takes all your will to hold your hands together...doesn't that seem a little bizarre. Especially when you are fine without this individual whenever you're away from them...

Sometimes I wonder if my brain really is wired differently from the average woman. Worries me a little bit at times, but I guess God made me this way for a reason, even if I don't understand it and it makes me wonder if I'm crazy.

Ha.

Luckily, this is the season of love, giving, charity, joy, magic: Christmas. The joy of Christ's birth and the overflow of generosity spills into every day. So much magic really does radiate through the Christmas season. I love the change that it brings over people. Even the hardest of hearts. It's hard to be a grouch during this lovely season of the year. Even a cynic melts into the romantic they truly are at heart in the month of December...Magic.

May this December bring you all the joy and magic the season can hold. May it overwhelm you in the very best sense of the word, and may it spill into the rest of the coming year.

And I'll leave you with this, What the Strainer Caught playlist (to express the overflow in my head):

• Mixed Tape - Jack's Mannequin
• Love Don't Live Here Anymore - Lady Antebellum
• (You're the) Devil in Disguise - Elvis Presley
• Friends - Band of Skulls
• Hokis - Eve 6
• Daria - Cake
• Every Day is Exactly the Same - Nine Inch Nails
• Papercut - Gym Class Heroes
• Kiss Kiss - Chris Brown & T. Pain
• Getaway - Train
• Burning Man - Third Eye Blind
• Islands in the Stream - Bee Gees (not a joke, Nik...haha..."What's that Pete?")
• Wrong Turn - Jack Johnson
• Breaking It Up - Lykke Li
• Hey Mr. DJ (Keep Playin' This Song) - Backstreet Boys (don't you judge me...ha)
• Oil and Water - Incubus (*sigh* Brandon Boyd *sigh*)
• Back to You - John Mayer
• If You Want My Love (Alternate Version) - Cheap Trick
• I Will Survive - Cake (my favorite version of this song...ever)
• Message in a Bottle - John Mayer (*smiles*)

There's Always Something to be Thankful For

Today, instead of doing my "Favorite things of this very moment" list, I'm just going to tell you what I'm thankful for. It won't include everything that I'm thankful for because that list would never end, but I'd like to tell you some of them.

So, with the spirit of thanksgiving dancing in my blood, here's a list of things that I am thankful for:

• Nikky: because she's my very best friend, she makes life easier, she understands my ramblings, my whining, my confusion, and my hysteria. She makes me laugh, and she lets me cry. It's impossible to feel too ashamed or embarrassed when she's around, and I'm rarely if ever afraid to say whatever I feel or think. She understands. I'm glad she's been so gracious about all the issues of our attempts to move (it will happen, but only God knows when. Sooner than later), and she introduced me to good Silk soy milk, RiffTrax, Chai, and many good books, songs, stories, movies, poems, and pictures. She's the other half of my soul (in a completely heterosexual way, of course. *smiles*). I love her. I am thankful.
• My family: because they're as crazy as I am, and despite how wishy-washy I am all too often, they're fair more patient with me than I deserve. They love me in spite of myself. I know they'll be there for me no matter what, and I love each of them for that. They make me crazy, but they also make me laugh so hard I'm in tears, and I think they know I love them more than I can say. I am thankful.
• Kayla: because she's the sister I never had. She is one of the kindest people on earth, and I adore her for that. Her exceeding thoughtfulness, her laughter, smile, words of encouragement, and willingness to lend a hand will always make her something extra special. I love her very much. I am thankful.
• Ben: because he stuck with me through my darkest times, and never turned me away. Even when I was a brat, he still cared about me. He's always been there for me, and I truly hope that we are always able to be the great friends that we are. And because he read the Twilight series in exchange for my reading Harry Potter. Ha. :)
• Jay: because...he lets me be what I need to be. He doesn't question my sanity, even when I do, and he believes in me when I don't deserve it. He's shown me grace and respect even when I'm acting like a lunatic, and has called me one of his very best friends even when our relationship was strained and my heart was breaking. He's one of the most talented musicians I know, and the girl that gets him will be lucky beyond her wildest dreams. Because he believes I am courageous and true of heart and sees good in me that I struggle to see. Because he's a little in love with Edward himself, even though he's one of the straightest guys I've ever met. :) But mostly because he makes me laugh, allows me to be awkward, is incredibly beautiful, and is truly wonderful.
• Fresh blueberries: because, despite how trivial it sounds, they're fantastical, and because I'm currently eating a bunch of them in some vanilla yogurt (forcing myself to attempt to eat some kind of food in the morning can be interesting, but this is quite lovely).
• Financial Peace University: because the principles I learned while taking that course helped me to value saving money more than I ever have. I have money put aside, and this makes life much easier as I still haven't found a new job, and my lay-off date looms ever closer. Even in uncertainty, I have some hope because I have money saved up...it'll take me a little while to burn through it. And I'm not too worried just yet.
• Stovetop Savory Herb Stuffing: because my mom makes it every year at Thanksgiving, and it's delicious. Something out of a box isn't supposed to taste nearly that good. :)
• Warm clothes
• Chocolate chip cookies (or even better, chocolate chunk and butterscotch chip cookies, which I intend to make a big batch of within the next few days...mmm...)
• Korean pop songs: because they make me smile, I can understand half the words, and the music videos are full of insane dance moves (which I want to learn) and great subtitles.
• Warm showers: because there are few things in life more soothing or better able to warm you back up
• Good books: because they can transport you out of the mundane or frustrating parts of your day and make you feel a deep connection with the characters and the people around you. Plus they can really inspire you and give you hope or make you laugh...
• David having his own place: because I can see how excited, happy and proud he is to be able to support himself and have his own life. I'm proud of him for being so brave, and hope that he'll be blessed in all of this.
• My faith: because it keeps me going and gives me hope when I feel all is lost. God's going to take care of me, I just need to do what I can, all that I can, and leave everything else to Him.
• And Jordan: because he inspires me and makes me smile.

Like I said this is a very small portion of an ever-growing list, but I wanted to share. I hope you find many, many things to be thankful for both big and small.

Happy Thanksgiving, with all my love.