Saturday, March 17, 2012

Getting Back to Where I Started (Or Maybe Someplace Better)

I am having one of my classic nights where I am reading one blog, sitting on top of my Facebook page to see if anything happens at all, texting several of my closest friends (who put up with a lot of angsty whining on empty nights), and listening to my iTunes play me a zillion songs that break and rebreak my heart.

Lately I've been asking God a lot of questions.  I have been asking him to bring me my best friend.  That probably sounds a little off, but what I mean is, I've been asking him to bring me the guy that won't leave.  You see...I have this amazing ability to befriend good guys (and sometimes bad ones, I tend to see a glimmer of gold and try to bring it to the surface, even when the person containing the glimmer is trying to hide it) and build up these amazing friendships, and everything seems awesome.  They're great.  We're great.  I have someone to go to parties or movies or dinner with.  It's not a dating relationship.  They aren't physical.  I just invest my heart in this friendship because I want this guy to have the best things he can.  I want to make sure he knows that he's amazing and hilarious and beautiful and that God is going to do great things with him as long as He lets God lead.  Great things, right?  I think so.

But then something changes.  

This something is always a girl.

Now, I'm not saying that this is a bad thing.  Actually, this is usually a great thing for them.  Usually the girl they find is someone incredible who (in more cases than I could have expected) end up being the woman they chose to marry and live as happily ever after as the world will allow (as the incomparable Jean Ferris once said in Love Among the Walnuts, read it, you'll love it).

I won't deny that usually right after this happens, I am heartbroken.  The person I have come to rely on as much as I rely on my own heart leaves.  I can't blame them for this.  Most of them (let's be honest, all of them) never saw me as anything beyond one of the guys or a sister.  It is a role I am good at, but it wears down the soul after because over the years, I have begun to worry that maybe I'm not desirable at all.

To each and every sweet person and friend and sister who has tried to convince me otherwise, I love you.  Thank you.

It isn't to say that I don't know, somewhere in me, that this isn't true.  That I am desirable and worth fighting for and pursuing.  It's just that after years of rejection and being passed over...there's not much left in the bank of self-esteem and self-confidence that is left to speak of.

Worse than that, somewhere along the way, I have lost track of my purpose and forgotten how to find my value in God.  How did I stray so far from where I was as a kid?  I think I just started seeking my worth in the wrong places.  I put so much faith in the first guy I dated, and instead of remembering that God loved me completely and should be my center, I started letting my boyfriend edge in on the place that was sacred and supposed to house no one outside of God.

Honestly, how do you let one person (no matter how "amazing" you believe them to be or how amazing they really are) take the place of the LORD of the Universe?

Again, I'm not saying it was my then boyfriend's fault.  It is fully and completely mine.  I should never have let this change of command take place.  Ever since, there's always been an ache and an gap in my heart that I have been trying to fill.

I have filled it with food, with lust, my relationships, with anger...with a lot of things I am not proud of.

Tonight, I want to reclaim this place, this very center of my heart and soul, for my LORD.  

It will take a lot of time and intentional prayer and work, but I can do this.  I can do this because it will mean I am finally recognizing that only God can give me the love, validation, and worth that I seek.

If you're struggling with this, I hope you I can encourage you.  I know this is a struggle.  I have been struggling with this for years, but change has to start now.  Let's not live our whole lives only to realize we haven't actually lived or loved.  Let's let God well up from the center of who we are and overflow into our whole lives and show people what love really is.

God give us strength and joy.


ps.  I have been seriously neglecting doing this, so I apologize, and here is my List of Favorite Things at This Very Moment (12:03 am CST):

  • The Good Women Project (which is a constant source of encouragement and joy and faith being restored)
  • The Glee soundtracks (always a classy good time.  Especially if Finn or Mercedes is! Amber, thank you for this!)
  • Colorful nailpolish (reminds me of the good bits of me, and brings me a little self-confidence boost when I can wear some crazy color in public, it's a start, right?)
  • My loving and wonderful sisters who keep me accountable (you ladies are awesome ALL the time)
  • Foxtrot by Bill Amend (always a GREAT comic strip when you need a smile)
  • You.  Honestly.  

No comments: