Wednesday, June 18, 2008


Favorite things of this very moment (10:17 am CST):
  • New poetry to read from friends
  • Sunshine
  • New Moon by Stephanie Meyers
  • Knowing I have one solid job and a paycheck coming tomorrow
  • My cell phone
  • Comfy pj's

I got back from Heather's on Monday night and just sat on the front porch for a long time staring up at the moon. Somehow my world felt like it was crashing again. I wish I could say that was unusual, but my brain and heart like to have violent reactions one a regular basis, apparently Monday night was no exception.

I had spent most of my afternoon on Monday rereading Twilight while listening to Metasomatic's cd. I was already on edge. I spent 4 hours at work zoning out and trying to understand all that had happened over the course of the last week. I just couldn't get my mind around it, and then I go to Heather's and watch "27 Dresses" (which was cute, cheesy, and incredibly predictable) which somehow just seemed to remind me that I've allowed my life to really slide right off track. Too much focusing on all the wrong things. It was virtually the tipping point.

So...we're back where we started, my front porch. I spent quite awhile just trying to frame my state of mind. God and I had another one of our long heart to hearts where I try to put my feelings into some kind of coherent mess of words. I'm glad He knows what I mean.

It's just very frustrating. You spend so much time with someone and they give you all these wonderful feelings and little cues that make you think that maybe, just maybe, this time it will be different. That you're not so crazy after all and maybe, just maybe, they might actually care for you.

But the truth is...I just don't know.

And I guess it's that uncertainty which is going to pull me right back into curling up and reading books for most of today and pretending that I understand anything at all about life or love or anything. Maybe I'll hear my answer if I listen hard enough...or at least get myself out of the way so that God actually has a chance to speak to me. Let's hope.

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