Saturday, February 18, 2012

But Sometimes It Hurts Instead

Favorite Things about this Very Moment (11:46 am CST):
  • Starbucks Vanilla Doubleshot Energy
  • "You've got this" texts from Kimmie (do you know how much I love you, Kim?  Honestly, I do.)
  • The Wreckers singing me their perfect blend of sassy and heartbroken country
  • Adele (Oh Adele, 21 IS my heart)
  • Knowing it's not just me that feels super awkward about the engagement announcement from this week
  • Sunshine outside
  • Getting paid to hang out in Baskets and talk to the wonderful people that come into Conover and my shop
  • Knowing I'll be getting paid twice this week.  Party & bonus
  • The immense kindness & love from amazing people like Nikky, Kimmie, Amber, Regina, Hilary, Heather, & Jay
  • Jordan Durham, an altogether hilarious experience
  • Having next weekend's Refuge trip to look forward to
This week has been a lot of things, and I feel like me being sick was a strange sort of blessing.  It allowed me to be home when I found out the boy I have been in love with since I the night I met him wearing that ridiculous Han Solo costume that no one but me seemed to recognize was engaged.  But it is more than that, he's engaged to someone who makes me nervous down to my very soul.  It has been a rough week.

Even so, I feel like I am taking all of this better than any of us could have imagined.  This may, in part, be due to the fact that I've been living with the feeling like this day would come for the past...oh...4 or so months.  I really thought he'd propose at Christmas or New Year's.  I forgot about Valentine's Day.  How odd to forget it...hmmm...

I've gotten everything that reminds me of him packed away and out of site.  Mixes, pictures, the bracelet he made me, speed dial... He's hidden, but he's not forgotten.  It finally really started to hit yesterday while I was at work by myself typing.  I had been able to find a way to distract myself every moment until then, and suddenly I had to face that this was real

I am never going to get greeted by him smiling right after he's gotten up, never going to be the person he wants with him to run errands in the middle of the night, never going to lay next to him watching cartoons, never going to be the person that makes him light up when I walk into a is apparently not in the cards.

Life alternates between dark and light a lot right now.  I realized I have avoided all things romantic even though I am a romantic through and through and usually I watch a lot of sappy movies at this time of year.  Instead I am reading The Hobbit (which is great, but no romance) and watching things like Sandlot, UHF, and Monsters Inc. This is probably really healthy for me, but one of these days I am thinking this will probably break too.

Mom says maybe I am realizing that this is better for me already, but I don't know if that's it.  Letting go of all of this is letting go of a lot of hope.  I want to do that, but I want to replace it with faith that something better is on the horizon and that God has got other plans.  Sometimes that's hard to comprehend, and, on top of this, I am worried about this decision in how it will truly change his life and the lives of his brother and his fiancee.  I feel guilty for thanking God that I at least won't have to see him at family functions for the rest of my life with this girl that breaks my heart.  He's not even the same guy that I was friends with anymore.  He changed for this girl, but not in good ways. 

Hear ye, hear ye, I shall bestow upon you words from my parents who are always wise in the ways of love and marriage:

"You shall only marry someone who brings out the very best in you, that you also bring out the best in."

He's not doing that.

He is not my heart.  He is not my light.  He is not my life.  I will move on.  I will be stronger.

I will sing "Someone Like You" to myself until I mean it entirely, not just the part of it that says for me it isn't over, but also the part that says I wish nothing but the best...


becomingamy said...

That song is my jam.
Friend, I hope you're doing well and that you know how valuable and wonderful you are. You're great. I just love you.

Jaymin said...

That song is a phenomenal jam. :) Amy, I will try to remember that, but it definitely doesn't hurt to have someone wonderful like you reminding me. I wish you were here. Thanks. Love you