Thursday, April 16, 2009

Sometimes You Haunt Me

I threw out the Zuni hoody today. I can still feel it...even if it is buried in the kitchen trash. It was shredded from being worn almost constantly for 3 years, but it still breaks my heart. He's been gone for 3 years 1 month and 4 days. Yes...I do know that exactly.

I'm healing still. I feel like everything from this should be gone by now, but it's not. Most of the time, I do just fine, but there are still nights and situations where it feels like someone's cut open the scabs and scar tissue that's formed over the wounds.

Time heals a broken heart...

Does it really? Or does it simply ease the ache a bit. Do you ever fully recover from losing the people you love most? I feel like I'm developing a complex of some kind. Maybe I already have.

Do normal people fear losing the people they love this much? I mean, I know most people worry that the people they love will die, but do they have these thoughts as often as I do? Do they feel antsy when their whole family is somewhere without them or when they haven't talked to a close friend in several days? Maybe I really am crazy.

I wonder sometimes about the lonely ache of my thoughts while I'm at work. Sometimes it feels like there's just so much going on in my head and ache in my heart that I worry I'm going to explode. Seriously explode.

It just seems like while I'm at work my brain works overtime. That there's nothing to distract me from my thoughts. I realize it's important to have times of introspection and to "know thyself," but to what extent?

I just seem to run through everything in my head during work. Having between 4 and 6 hours of nothing but typing to do gives a person a lot of room for other thought. I'll admit that I've gotten quite a few problems sorted through during these times, I've come up with some of my best mixes (if not all of them), fleshed out some of my best plans, but still...days like today make me wonder.

Today I sat and typed without any kind of interruption. Jake didn't even have any pointless jokes or the count for how many times people sneezed, and that just left me with time. Maybe too much today. I ran through the fears. My self-doubt. Can I do this? Can I make this work? What if? What if? What if?!

I need to start believing in myself. God is with me, my family loves me, I have wonderful, wonderful friends. I am not alone.

You are not alone.

Let's dwell on that instead of the bad stuff. Let's dwell on the fact that God is bringing warmer weather into the great state of IL and that soon I'll be able to decorate my front sidewalk with pointless drawings of nothing important at all. Let's dwell on the fact that Life is short and beautiful and there is no point in wasting a moment of it thinking of just the negatives or holding on to self-doubt.

We are not alone.

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