Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Give Up, Start Fresh

Favorite things of this very moment (8:31 pm):
  • "Futuresex/Lovesounds" album - Justin Timberlake
  • Headphones
  • Good news about my car (including the concept of new cars)
  • The unstoppable, immovable, irresistible Fiji water bottle (yeah, over-described and lovely)
  • That I can continue to grow and change
  • That I am not John Marcher of Henry James' story "The Beast in the Jungle"
  • Silly commercials and, for that matter, the really sweet ones
  • Laughter

I've decided to give up. This is not my normal policy at all. In fact, I'm not a fan of giving up at all, but I'm beginning to understand when I need to fold. "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em." Yeah...that's what I'm working on now.

Let me explain a bit further because this covers 2 different areas (mainly):

One: Jay. The tall, blond, handsome guy that I've adored for almost 2 years. Give up, Jaymin. No future in it. Does this sound sad? Maybe it is. Maybe I've wasted time waiting, but no more. He's found someone he feels he has a foreseeable future with and he sees me as the little sister he has never had. I've done a lot of thinking over the past couple of weeks and realized, it will be fine. He is not the man for me. He is someone that I would never in a million years have turned down if he'd asked (I probably still wouldn't), but I also don't think we will ever be able to be anything more than what we are. This is okay. He's a wonderful guy and I plan to continue enjoying our friendship, but that's all it will ever be.

Two: My job. I'm not quitting, but I also have come to the realization that my dad and Terrence are right: I need something better. Something more. I need to just realize that my fear of change isn't worth this. That I need to be able to support myself. I can't deal with the debt and the guilt that goes with all this. I just can't stand it. It has to change. I want to feel competent and without a real job or a 2nd job or whatever, it will never happen.

I don't want to be John Marcher. I read "The Beast in the Jungle" by Henry James for my American Lit class, and it really frustrated me. Marcher is the most self-absorbed idiot of all time. He just makes me crazy because he takes advantage of May through the whole of their lives. He's incapable of understanding love or having any feelings. He's an idiot. He doesn't live because he spends his entire life believing that something great is yet to come instead of living now! I know I am guilty of doing this. Not anywhere close to his extent, but I avoid life at times simply out of fear or because I'm too focused on my past mistakes or my future.

Again I go back to the whole idea of HOW? How to change? How to live? I don't know, but I guess I just take it one day at a time. Fill out the applications. Speak up and somehow, life will continue and maybe just get a bit better.

I figure, if God kept me safe and intact after last week, there must be reason. I just have to be the best me I can be every day. God will take care of the rest.

Well, I guess that's enough to think about for a little while. Keep moving forward.

1 comment:

nikkyrowell said...

I love you jaymin. You're going to do great things. You have such an amazing and strong heart, I know that life is going to have so many awesome things in store for you!