Noah & Allie

I remember a time when I believed that I was Noah from The Notebook.  Not the movie version so much, but definitely the book version.  I knew who my Allie was, and I still believed that somehow, someday, my Allie would some how turn back up at my doorstep and we'd find a way to make it work.  Not because it would suddenly be easy, but because we'd realize that what we had was worth the fight every day.

I can't help but smile at my hope then.  He was such a muse.  I wrote a great deal of my very best work because of him.  I knew how I felt about him always, but time's let that change.  I'm grateful for what we had, and I hope to someday find something even better.

It's amazing how opening an old book and seeing words you underlined in what seems a lifetime away can reawaken old memories and dreams.

(100) Completion

Here's to completion
& new opened doors
Prayers & hopes
& cutting room floors
This is the moment
We start over new
This chapter is over
What do we move on to?

(99) This Duet

The time has come
The sun has set
We won't finish
This duet
There is a time
& a place for us
But it won't be found
Within these walls
Or in this bed
The future may hold
A fighting chance
Where love is come
& we find romance
But if we never
Find our way
At least our hearts
Have memory of today

(98) What I Needed

You were right when you said

The best cure for being homesick

is a joke

How does it happen

that whenever I am toeing the edge

you show up & pull me back 

to safety?

I'm not claiming you're a superhero

Lord knows you've broken my heart

More times than I want to relive

But you show up when I need you

Sometimes before even I see

the messed up bits of me surfacing

One of these days I hope I can

repay you love & laughter

for every saving grace

& tell you the crazy I have inside

Somehow makes sense

When I'm talking to you

For now I'll keep making you laugh

& finding myself glad to have,

in you, a better half

(97) Wish

Make a wish

I see the clock

& I make the same wish

Every time

It's just like

The year I was 8

& every day at lunch would

find the folded chip

& wish for a kitty

& say a little prayer

I was the persistent widow

At the age of 8

So I won't stop my wishes

Or my prayers

Till I find you 

(96) Clear

There are about a million words

Running through my head

They zoom down to my heart

& flicker back again

The heat, this strange new bed

Anything to avoid

The homesick & the dread

All these strung along projects

All these half finished plans

How will I ever be whole again

Please God, fill the empty spaces

& the aching lonely nights

Cleanse away the memories,

the angry words, the fights

Help me find peace where you've led me

So I can build a home & put down roots

I just want a place to belong 

(95) Repeat

We have the same talk

I ask the same questions

I cry the same tears

My words get in the way

I get too close

I try too hard

I love too quick

It breaks my heart

So I look at this pattern

To find the weak link

Because otherwise

My heart will sink

& I'm tired of feeling like I'm drowning

Again

(94) Dear God

God,

Please fix my heart. I don't want to feel achy & broken & free falling knowing full well the only thing is rising up to meet me is the ground. I deserve something real & not these one-sided best friend jobs I fall into easily. Don't let me fall right back into that old pattern. 

Love,

J

(93) You

Glorious nights of eggnog & giggling

RiffTrax & friendships

Quick conversations with beautiful hearts

There's always hope

Always a reason to smile

Little things, big things

Maybe home isn't a location

But where your love is

Even if that means home is in 3 or 4 locations

At least I have (a) place(s) to call home

Have you realized yet

That a part of my heart travels with you

(92) Light vs. Dark

Some nights I wonder

If my dark is

starting to win over my light

that all my shame

& all my brokenness

will be all anyone can see

& I'll be left alone

Because who could ever love

a hypocrite jerk like me

(91) Winning

Sometimes a text is all it takes

to change the tone of the day

just a few choice words

change the heart

If I could find a way

to move yours

as you move mine

I'm fairly certain I'd win at life

(90) Tripping

Sometimes I think

I must be perpetuating 

a broken system

If I wasn't in this cycle

All these signs & words

Wouldn't sound so familiar

I can see you

Coming a mile away

& I wish I could run away

But the truth is

I'd fall for you

Even if you weren't tripping me

(89) Pretty Boy

You're the kind of guy

who can only be trouble

I was told not to discount

the pretty boys?

but I can't help the way

I'm jaded

If you'd been broken

at the hands of beauty 

& used the way I have been

you'd be gun shy & wary

of a face like yours too

Don't you see

you're a danger to me

the crooked smile,

beautiful hands, perfect back,

infectious laugh...

You're kryptonite to me

If I don't pull back

& build walls

I'll be a goner

Please don't be

the kind of guy

who breaks hearts 

like the one in me 

(88) Here

Chapped lips & blankets

Winter is come

No idea what is coming

But I am glad I am here

Finally feeling like

I can be of use

(87) Silencing Voices

Trying to silence the voices

in my head & the ones coming

through the floorboards

Not sure these songs

or prayers

are enough to calm my heart tonight

(86) Gonna Make It

One small no,

but there are other doors

Worth trying out

I finally have a little

wind in my sails

& a little cheer behind me

This still isn't home

& I'm not sure it will be

But it's a start

& at least I finally know

where I need to be

(85) You Show Up

There's a kind of peace

I never quite expected

but I always should've known

That You would give me courage

when my heart failed to beat

& You would give me strength

when I could not

find my feet

You showed up for me

even though I was

Full of doubt

You showed up for me

when I was still asking "how?"

You love me

in spite of my mistakes

& all this crushing doubt

& then you whisper in my ear

"Child, there's a way out,"

& You gently tug my heart

& hold my hand

as I face my fears

You show up

because You love me

& You'll never leave me here

(84) Open Hands

Sometimes plans don't work
& it's better off
scary houses to hotel rooms
heat, blessed heat
& a moon lighting the way
whatever may come,
it's already on its way
I will greet it
best I can
with a smile on my face
& open hands

(83) Stars to Remind Me

The stars on the ceiling
Remind me there's hope
I'm trying, Lord,
to reach beyond
All I can see
& actually realize
what you're teaching me

(82) Changing, I'm a-Changing

Caught up in the crazy
life is a whirl
trying to clear a space
to put down my own roots
so I can build
a little something for myself

I don't need the world
just a room to call mine
maybe I should have
done this years ago
but who's to say

Maybe now is when
I needed to change
& when my heart was alive
& my prayers changed

So I'm opening my heart
& peeling back the layers
Hoping this new start
will help me become
more of who I want to be

(81) Strangers We've Become

I've been staring
at the painting
hanging on the wall

I can feel each brushstroke
& hear your heart beat
& see you there upon your canvas

I hear your echo in this room
your painting & the shot glasses
Can't help but smile

but it breaks my heart
to realize you'll never be
standing here with me again

You won't be showing me the pictures
with my letters on the sink
& your smile crooked on your face

I miss who we were
& not the strangers
we've become

(80) Unbelief

Strange towns, strange hotels
but my own queen-sized bed
Maybe I'm still uncertain
but that waiting hawk
& the low flying heron
speak volumes to my heart

Maybe it's sleep deprivation
or hours in the car
but I keep hearing trust
Trust
I'm trying
Please, please, please
help me overcome my unbelief

(79) Don't Forget About Me

When I'm not around
to drive you home at night
will you forget me?

Sometimes I wonder if
I'll always be
the place holder for eternity

Please don't try to convince me
that's not true
you're not stepping up

If you were in my shoes
you'd be scared of
happiness too

because who is to say
when the other shoe
will drop

I was so close
so close to feeling hope
but you've already shut me out

So I'll drive you home one last tim,e
before I shut off my phone
& quit

Accept it
you're alone
that's it.

(78) In Check

Long nights & longer lashes
I close my eyes
as time passes,
but all I see is you

How long before I understand
how to control my emotions
& keep my wounds & triggers
in check

(77) Help Me See

Flip-flopping back & forth
between the possibilities
& future conundrums
I have to wonder
what am I capapble of fixing
how can I contribute?
where have I made friends?
Lord, let me see
who you need me to be
& help me pursue the dreams
you've laid up in me

(76) Leaves & Roots

You shouldn't be on my mind
you walked out, remember?
But in a day or two
I'll have to see you
& I'm wondering
if I'm strong enough to do this

Every cliche
runs through my head
& I'm still just looking
for a hand to hold
& someone to not feel
like my presence & adoration
is some kind of burden

You use to make me feel
lighter than a leaf
in the wind,
but like that leaf
I came crashing down again

I want roots
to grow where I've landed
but I don't think
I was meant
to do this single-handed

how many times
do I have to fall
before someone picks me up
& actually holds on?

with all that is beautiful
in my life, it's not fair
to feel so blue
but I'm still waiting

waiting for...?

(75) Not Finished Yet

There's not much of a map
for where I'm going
but I know I'll get there
God's got hig hands on this

It feels crazy
moving state to state
love the excitement & joy
that I feel
sometimes it still seems hard
to believe I could
be this lucky
or be this blessed

Don't know what all
God is doing here
but he's not finished
with me-with this-
yet

(74) Triggers

Your hand slides gently

across my knee

fingers slowly splaying playfully

but I'm cant think 

& I can't breath

with you sitting right there

touching me

I'd forgotten

so completely

how indescribably amped up

fingers brushing on

my knees feels

or how swiftly it

undoes me

Just a couple deep breaths

(73) Too Close to be Alright

Way too close

Way too comfortable

& the strange hope

that keeps trying to inflate

my weary heart

Is a terrible thing

There's too much

to talk me out of it

& who wants

a reluctant lover

I miss knowing

every moment

that I wanted to

dive into someone's love

& arms & dreams

to consume them

& be their everything

You should never feel

awkward & shamed 

by who you pursue

if that's the case, 

think of the spared

hearts & egos

I may not know

what I truly want

but I know this confusion

isn't where I belong

 

(72) Breaking

You touched my hand

& I nearly jumped out of my skin

was I supposed to expect the

tremor through my veins

I just keep chanting,

'This will never work'

because how could you feel the same

& even if you did

what then?

The scandal it would make

but

what I wouldn't give for you

to touch me again

(71) Here I Come. Blessed.

A few more hours

& I'll be on the road. 

Just one more to-do list

& then a new life

How did I get so lucky

to have so many

people love me

& so many homes open

to me

& so much freedom

to go

I don't have to know all

to know I'm blessed

(70) On I Go

My eyes are weary

My heart is worn

but my mother is proud of me

& so my heart is also warm

I am not worried

if this is right

everything points to the good,

but it's still a little sad

Never quite felt 

completely my own

never quite felt

like this was my home

Sorry to leave

those I love

once again

but I have no doubt

I'm headed to

where I always

Should've been

(69) Uncool Jerk Brain

Dreams, sweet dreams,

are not made of these

forgive me if you don't agree

searching my brain

but I cannot see

how dreams of love

are good for me

Loki & All Those Redeemable

A friend of mine recently said he just didn't understand the appeal for the bad guys.  Why are women so crazy about villains or guys that are obviously super damaged or the bad boys?  What's with the sudden obsession with every woman, it seems, over Loki?  It does seem like it should be weird, but it took me less than a minute to figure it out.

They're redeemable.

I've mentioned before that I firmly believe every woman wants to be someone's exception, and this is simply an extension of that same truth.  I, like many women, see someone who is hurting, and my immediate instinct is to fix it.  Now, granted, I may have an overly developed sense of empathy, but I think many of us feel that way.

Loki makes this easy to see.  Sure he's gorgeous (he's played by Tom Hiddleston, it's unavoidable) and clearly powerful, but I honestly think what draws many of us to him is that we see his vulnerability.  Gorgeous and powerful, but unsure of who he is or how he can be loved because he's damaged.  Kid finds out he's adopted from an enemy tribe, and snaps because he suddenly realizes his world is upside down and can no longer separate actual affection and true concern for his well being from the jealousy and pain he feels.  He's damaged, but we look at him and see how broken he is and think, I'd love him.  I want to be the one to warm his cold heart and help him see the good he is capable of.  Clearly he could to a great deal to help and protect the world and his people if he choose that path.  Most of us wish we could help him see that.

This particular way of seeing people is something I have always carried with me.  Maybe most people are more adjusted and emotionally together, so they don't do this, but I'm always trying to find a way to redeem what's broken and find the good buried within the pain.

Every relationship I have ever had was, in one way or another, filled with me trying to bring out the very best in another person or heal something I could sense was broken.  Whether I have succeeded in any of these endeavors or not is hard to say.

The older I get the more I can see that part of the appeal of doing this is the selfish desire that maybe someone will be able to do the same for me.  Maybe one of these days, I will have fallen for someone who, though broken, sees the good in me, the potential, and just like me, they'll love me enough to want to bring that out in me.

I want to redeem the broken.  I want to be redeemed.

(68) Rife with Miracles

High hopes & gingerbread M&M's
Not sure where life is going
but at least it's going
there's light again
Rife with miracles
Sometimes you just gotta
hear someone tell you,
remind you,
that your life is beautiful
& that you're work has meaning
Sometimes seeing this side
of morning so many times
make you wonder
if you're still doing
anything right

(67) Nothing Good After 2 AM

Nothing good ever happens after 2 AM
& I like every boy
So now's a good time to shut things down
my heart is not a toy

I spent a couple hours typing
this afternoon
Let the music sing
about becoming whomever
the love of your life needs

& I pause & I wonder
if it always
starts near Halloween
or maybe just with masks
so many turths are missed
because we burden ourselves
with the buried secrets

When Stupid Books Open Wounds You Didn't Know You Had at 3 AM

Here it is the middle of the night, & I am up reading a book I would never mention in public only to find myself crying because I suddenly feel so alone. I find myself wondering if a perfect waist & the right clothes are necessary in order for me to not find myself waking up alone for the rest of my life. In order to be loved by someone beautiful you must be someone beautiful, right?

Or maybe it has nothing to do with that. Maybe it's because I'm shy (which is totally true) or because I made a promise to myself that I would stop being the pursuer & trust that a good man would pursue me. 

Whatever the case, I am alone. I'm unsure of how many more months & years of this I can handle. I feel exposed & unprotected. I spend so much time trying not to be a burden, trying not to impose, trying not to have needs. If I am strong for myself than I can be easy to be around, right?

But that doesn't work. Maybe if I just told people who I felt or asked to be a priority, I wouldn't be a secondary character in my own story. But I'm afraid I'll be too much or that people will reject me. I know I have this demeanor that paints me as alright being always in the background, but it would be nice for just one person to notice. 

In a week, everything will change. A new home, a new job, an illogical leap of faith & new people to meet. Here's hoping that I'll find the courage to be honest about my heart instead of pretending it's not the tenuously fragile & lonely creature it is. Maybe this marks one less night of falling asleep wondering if I'm walking into a quiet future. 

Lord, give me strength. 

(66) Ah. Weeks.

No work, but so many responsibilities
packing & cleaning
a story to write
& books to read
people to visit
places to see
so little money
so little time
& here I sit
Still thinking about rhymes
while watching NetFlix
& avoiding the subject
because uncertainty
is what I see
Sometimes I think
I'm the one avoiding me
because at the end of the day
who should answer any
of these questions
but me

(65) Happy Harvestcandyween

Today is Harvestcandyween
the most festive Saturday
you've ever seen
Full of candy
full of fun
full of laughter
& friends to share
Food & games everywhere
Celebrating the harvest
without the screams
is every happy Harvestcandyween

(64) Inner Monologue

Never expected at 27 to feel

like I'm taking a blindfolded 

leap of faith

across a ravine

on a unicycle 

through a ring of fire

in front of critics

Is that too harsh?

Too complicated or over-thought?

On these late nights,

I can't help myself

my brain scrolls through

every twist, wrong turn, mistake

that brought me here

And I keep thinking

I'm such a fake

Don't they see my fear

Don't they know I have

no idea what to do

when I'm standing here 

Sometimes I see the good

in this heart of mine

but sometimes I worry

my dark is pushing away my light

And my brain asks my heart

Are we strong enough for this?

It's not sure how to answer

(63) Find Home

I don't want to be

packing up boxes & heading out

headed north or headed south

I just want to put down boxes

& pull up my flag

& be able to say

This is home

(62) Be Happy

It's odd when you realize

your similarities are differences

& even though you had to walk--

No run--

away

doesn't mean everyone does

& maybe if you'd just be honest--

you needed the time,

you needed to matter--

this could be different

because there's nothing wrong

with wanting to be happy

You just need to stop forgetting that

(61) Lights

Sometimes long days

turn into long nights

No light ahead,

no end in sight

I will not give up

though the tide

turns against me

because there is still

love & there's light shining somewhere

I hold to my faith

that these dreams 

do come true

because it matters to me

& they'll shine for you too

(60) Sick Day

About a million Kleenex later

some DayQuil & all

Still not feeling better

sneezing, but hopeful

my aim is off, but tissue is soft

& a good nights sleep should help

Here's to hoping anyway

(59) Paths of Progress

My mind keeps reminding me

like a panic button, an alarm,

that the next stage of life

new change

is fast approaching

& I look around this room

& I know I have not a clue

what I'm doing

Is this when I become an adult

or am I just getting points

for progress?

This isn't to say

that this isn't my path

but rather that I'm not sure how to walk it

Do I run?

Or should I amble?

Maybe just change it up as I go

I know I'll over think it, 

but you never know

My hope is just to find

steady hands along the way

& friends that,

even when I stumble,

will always, always stay

So I'll take another deep breath

& start another day

packing up & visiting

those I love along the way

Because though this is all crazy,

it will all work out fine

You'll be fine

It will all be okay

(58) Some Nights

Some nights

there are no words to write

& none of the words rhyme

& all I have is time 

(57) Rainbow

Few things in life

make you feel so alive

as being acknowledged

by your favorite author

anyone who paints

--truly paints--

a picture with words,

who can summon those feelings

in just one short sentence

to awaken the cathartic flood

of my deep & lonely soul

it's a pleasure beyond belief

& makes me strive for new dreams

in hopes that someday

in the not so distant future

someone will be falling in love

with my words too

(56) Dive

There's a funny falling feeling

when you're looking at the edge

I inch forward & see

this whole vast wide future

staring up at me

the colors & the winds

stirring up my hopes & dreams

tugging my heart

& pulling me closer to the ledge

Here's where I learn to fly

spread my wings,

deep breath,

& dive

(55) Future & Hope

Sometimes I see you

You show up at work 

You're the extra sweet guy with

the kind eyes & dark hair

Sometimes you're the one good comment on my blog

the guy that sent me a book

& asked "How is your heart?"

You're the one who shows up 

in my favorite dreams 

the one who wraps his arms around me

& misses me when we've apart

You are the hope

I still have

of a future waiting

& someone to come home to

Who is coming home to me

(54) To Action

No more talking. 

Listen. 

Stop comparing your life

to everyone else. 

You're you. Not anyone else. 

Stop talking. 

Stop thinking. 

Do it. Just do it. 

To action. 

(53) So it Begins

I walk into this room

I eye the cheerful mess

the weird balance of color 

the quotes written out on the walls

& I realize this is home

a home I'm going to leave

Sure I'm off for adventures

& this move is my next big step

but what if I fall?

What if I fail?

I'm seeing that this time 

there's no net

& I wonder if I am really ready for this

I guess every high wire act

has to pass the test

eventually it just doesn't change the fact

that I'm scared of diving in

Tomorrow I'll pack another box

& check off more from my to do list

I'll fake it till I make it

because eventually it won't feel

like I'm just fooling everyone

Maybe someday soon,

I'll open my eyes

& realizing this is me

standing on my own 2 feet

So it begins

(52) Beloved Aggravation

He's such a beloved aggravation. 

How do you live a contradiction?

He's my soul inside out,

my musical soulmate,

my best friend

But every step we take closer

seems to require another brick

built in the wall

that separates our hearts

He says he's lonely,

but he won't say a word to me

all he has to do is stretch out a hand

I'm always within reach

Maybe we're a paradox

or perhaps we're working on a comedic equation

because we seem to be tragedy plus time

Who can really say

He & I circle this question

& where our hearts lie

We'll shore up our hearts

with whatever broken bits fall off

of one another's hearts

Never alone, but always lonely

There's got to be a place

we can meet in between

(51) Not Over

Some nights I wish

I could reach across the miles

in an instant

& remind you that this story

isn't over yet

the world is full mixed signals

& changing paths

we're far from who we

seem to be

(50) Most Beautiful

There's nothing quite so beautiful

as a room full of people

you love

laughing so hard

together 

that they're in tears

especially

when you're laughing along

with them

(49) Expectations vs. Reality

I'm tired of building my life

around the hopes of somedays

I'm tired of waiting

for everyone else to make their decisions

so I can just keep trying to live my life

I'm tired of being disappointed

because every time I

get my hopes up --

even in little things --

it all comes crashing down

Is this growing up?

Realizing sometimes a dream

is just a dream

or that sometimes hope

is just a wish that isn't coming true...

I miss days of simple wishes

where expectations met reality

Please God bring those days back to me

or show me how to dream

& find the strength 

to make it my reality

(48) Funeral Plans

When I die, please make pie
have a party
dance all night
love each other
Don't slow down
Don't give in
Remember me
with unsweet tea
reread my letters
in every letter, every line
is an I love you

(47) Table Saw

Nothing quite like starting your day
waking up to the sound of a
table saw directly above
your bed.
It's like Tom Hanks' nightmare
in The Burbs
all saws through walls
& erratic sleep

Erratic sleep, erratic day
suppose that's the kind of thing
one should expect
when the day starts that way
But now I lay my
head to rest
hoping for sleep &
all the best
wishing that my alarm
will wake me & not
another saw in the morning

(46) Bitter

After you answer a phone to a crying voice
& realize you're hearing a breaking heart...
you start hearing the echo
in your own words
in your own broken soul
I don't want to feel bitter
this was supposed to be something we could work through
you listen & you realize...
this is your heart too
You don't want this broken bitterness
& your heart stuck in a self-destructive repeat
but the pain is still real
these wounds aren't just skin deep

so you comfort the tired voice
at the other end of the line
you pray for their mending heart
you wish them the better ending
the one you never got
because your stories follow these
parallel story lines
& you almost forgot
that a story like this can still have a happy ending

Their's will end better
Their heart is still beating right
& you actually believe it
when you hear yourself saying
it will all be alright

It will all be alright
It will all be alright

(45) Someone to Love

Nada Surf lyrics keep playing through head

To find someone to love

you gotta be someone to love

is that why I'm still alone?

Am I not someone to love yet?

(44) Never Meant to be Alone

The truth of it,

the crux of the matter,

is that I'm reaching out 

my hand in the dark

& I'm praying 

you're reaching out too

We're not meant to be 

alone

We should never feel 

alone in a room full of people

or lost amongst people we love

Don't assume I don't feel joy

over new marriages, jobs, houses, babies

or that I'm not glad

your life is going well

My happiness doesn't change my joy for you

it just tints the view of my accomplishments & dreams

Depression isn't a foreign concept

I was just hoping

I'd shored myself up this time

that I was strong enough

to fight this alone

but I'm not

No, I'm not drowning

& I can still see the stars,

but I need new focus

new hope

Renew my spirit, LORD

Show me the hand to hold

the safe places & harbors

you've blessed me with

& a light so I'm never

alone 

(43) Tripping my Own Heart

It's pretty bad

When you're the one

tripping up your own heart

How do I grow?

Where do I go from here?

Your new life seems happy

buying houses

thinking about starting a family

Your wife inserting your name into conversations 

Is it sick to still wish

I knew

if even for a single moment

you thought about

picking me?

I just wish I could understand

why I never had a chance

Am I not pretty enough?

Or thin enough?

Is it because I really can't dance?

What's my fatal flaw?

Or did I throw it away 

when I didn't give you a full answer

that night in the car?

Or kiss you that day you backed me into a wall to talk?

Apparently I'm neurotic 

& obsessive,

but I still wish I could tie up

these loose ends

in more than just my dreams

Soon you'll see my face again

hopefully,

even with my heart on my sleeve, 

when you look through me

You'll see a better woman

than the one I use to be

(42) Odd Duck

Odd duck is what I am

Never quite fitting right

Not even my body is normal

with the O Negative blood, the PCOS, the pancreatitis, the back bending knees

And what of my heart?

I'm an introvert & an INFJ

Rare, rare, rare

I love Shakespeare & Star Wars

I crochet & bake pies & write handwritten letters

So much about me

is a little odd

I've come to accept my weird & my good

I'll never be conventional

or exactly what you might expect

I'll never leave you quite the same

When our paths cross & intersect

I hope you see

that I'm not the only one

with surprises & secret worlds

inside of me

each one of us is beautiful & brilliant 

& odd

in our own ways

Let's embrace it

& become a cheerful flock 

of all the odd ducks

(41) Mom

Nothing quite so good

as hearing your voice

at the other end of the line

when I've been worrying

about you

You keep me inspired,

going, hoping

you're my voice of reason

& the soother of my storms

I can't lose that,

can't lose you

Please be healing

& I'll be moving on,

growing up,

& making you proud

Thanks for being you, Mom

(40) Soon.

Sure enough,

you break my heart

I really just want

a hand to hold &

your lips to kiss

It won't be long

before your arms

are around me

& you're laughing with me

I'll give you a list

of my favorite things

most of the list will be you

(& maybe tea)

Pumpkin cider & blankets

laughter on this couch

time marches forward

& I still can't wait to meet you. 

You gorgeous creature

my dreams are filled with you

(39) Help Me Let Go

God, let me let this go

a full 2 years (...3?)

of bitterness 

all for something--

someone 

I can't ever have

What's the point 

of holding on

to loneliness

when it's a love 

that will only kill me

slowly,

painfully,

& I don't want to

seem heartless

but holding on...

Holding on any longer

with this death grip,

white knuckles,

clenched stomach,

it just hurts

Who would choose this?

This love sick life,

I tell myself I'm fine

that this is over 

I'm not still splinters

of who I wanted to be,

but I let it come to this

So break me open

call me out

tear off the callouses 

& clean up these wounds

They've been open too long

Help me, Lord

help me escape

& heal this stupid,

broke, angry, hurt heart

Because until its cleaned out

I'm never gonna be happy 

Never gonna be helpful 

Never gonna give or get

real love,

true love

Help me, Lord

help me to save

this heart, to

save me

(38) Those Who Risk

Everyone seems to think

that I'm an adult

but I'm beginning to

suspect it's a lie

You believe in me

all you want, but

I make no guarantees

My plans tend to fail

possibly from lack of planning

but certainly

with lack of faith

It's just easier

sometimes

to not strive for things

or dreams

because the crashing down

of disappointment feels

somewhat beyond inevitable

Those who risk

win

that's clearly not my motto,

but it should be

No regrets, right?

Maybe I need to watch

Meet Joe Black with tea

& cry

& remember who I use to be

Then let the past collide

with the present

singing The Longest Time

& become the best bits

of me

The ghost should say good night

It's time 

(37) You've Already Got My Heart

Each time I think about it
I can't stop smiling
having you handed to me
your tiny perfect fingers curled
around my finger
I've never quite experienced
what it felt like
to hold you
In my hearts vast space
you can have whatever room
you'd like

(36) Love. New. Love.

Strained eyes & leather couches
waiting, waiting, waiting
pink visitors pass & one finished book
pages of texts, updates, etc.
Still no baby
2 days of this?
3 more hours & we'll hit 48
Maybe October babies
really are marathon babies
I think I'll have my
babies in the spring
that way I can dress up
as the Death Star for Halloween
& eat extra stuffing & Mom's mashed potatoes
& no one will judge me

But waiting.
Waiting for news
or a nurse
or sleep
or a new niece
At least the wait will be worth it
when I get to hold this new light
in my arms
She's mine
Maybe not blood,
but my family all the same
This is looney,
but I couldn't be more cheerful
our new heartbeat
born into this world
I'm already in love

(35) Melody & Malachi

Time seems to expand
& shrink
in the presence of such immense
change
New life coming in to the world
hearing brand new heart beats
is a sound I'll never grow tired of
such a comfort to know
pure things, new things
can still exist & endure
Welcome little ones
Welcome home

(33) Face Your Fear

There's nothing
quite so terrifying
as having someone you love
cheerfully inform you
that you're about to face down fear
Maybe they don't see the
terror in your eyes
or maybe they're excitement overrules
Whatever the case,
whatever the cause,
you'll be staring it down by weeks end
your best friend reminds you
to breathe
a lot
Lots of deep breaths
& make yourself tea
(maybe we would do better in the U.K.)

And I've done all this
& I'll see it through,
but I still don't know
how I'm ever to face

You

(32) Closing Time?

I'm struggling to pull
fact vs. fiction
maybe my heart
really is a little closed down
Am I shutting you out?
Or is it really just this loud
in my head?
I don't mean to spread this anguish
I'm not even sure how
you'd share this pain
maybe all the loss
really has closed me down again
Thank you for the insights
into other peoples' hearts
maybe I can start brand new
& mend my weary heart

(31)

Tonight poems don't rhyme
& I eat too much
(again)
& I talk myself out of drinking
(again)
the pain grows out of old injuries
but my heart turns up a blank slate
images flash across the screen
hopeful, but naive
none of these options
are really mine to choose
So I look over tonight
I cut my losses &
I head to bed
a new day's just beginning
of a battle
against myself
I need to see
the hand reaching
down for mine
because I'm not sure
if I can stand anymore
at least not without help
Please help me find both will & Word
I don't want this division in me
it's tearing apart my soul
Help me, Lord
take control

(30) You, Darcy & I, Elizabeth

Darcy, darling
you are a dream
but why not make you mine
You're far beyond the man
you seem
I hope that somewhere
down the line
I meet someone with your character
& that they'll see
in me
Elizabeth
Then he will be mine

(29) Onward!

Here's me,
arms wrapped around
my chest
I'll hold myself together
& walk through
these new doors

You looked me,
straight in the eye,
you said
no
No to me.
Not to my love.
No to my heart.

So here's me,
walking away.
Yes, these steps are painful
& I cut myself on
shards of heart
but I'm picking them up
as I GO
& I'm moving on
taking this broken heart
on the road

Someday I'll look
into the eyes & heart
of someone
who says
yes.
Then this broken time
& steps walked on
will all make sense.

For now,
I'll just keep walking
& I'll stop looking back
for you.
Instead,
I'll look forward
for me.

(28) But I'm Wrong

I always thought
that as I got older
my fears of
rejection, abandonment & loneliness
would retreat away & heal
but they only seem to grow
with the death & destruction
the ever looming war
my unanswered letters & emails
the loss being ignored...

Sometimes I worry the fear
has gotten too big
to fight down
& that its shadow
reaches too far to see past

But I'm wrong

& in these moments
I hear you whisper my name
nudging me, reminding me
of who you are &
where I am --
in Your universe

Bleak sometimes leeches
out the colors of my heart
but you always come back in
& burn it to the ground
& begin to start
& color me in anew

Thanks for making me, me
& being extraordinary you

(27) Please

Sugar snap peas & yogurt
cheerful in the middle of the night
Watching Bones alone again
but at least this time
it's one the up & up
Something I want
is moving forward
Some kind of change
Please change
Brain, heart, help
meh
Yet I keep moving on

(26) Green Brain

Roses are red,
violets are blue
NyQuil is green
& so is my weird brain
I'm super tired
& hopefully the NyQuil will save my lungs
Will loosen my green brain
will help me tame the crazy
let's my heart rest

(25) Reaching

So last night
that was the low point
today I saw the truth
tomorrow I walk forward
Always another step
time to balance a checkbook
pay the bills
say thanks
& start reaching for hope

(24) Ex

What's funny is that
you were a terrible boyfriend
& somehow I'm the one
at fault

Pretty sure I felt I was
smothering you
(which I was)
& you needed to be free

How did you convince me
to break up with you first?
Genius.

Why, 10 years later,
(at 2 am)
am I remembering details of you?

I blame New Girl
because Nick Miller
is my spirit animal
(why did that phrase
become popular)
that & 2 1/2 drinks & the pancreas from hell
(Do you remember how well I use to drink?
Never a hang over
No crazy behavior --
my body is a jerk,
times change)

No, I don't still wish
we were together
time, new hope, space, sexuality changed that
(Plus you still make my dating history
look like the punch line
of a badly worn joke
"Didja turn him gay?"
or I get pity eyes &
feel-better statements
"You were too good for him...
clearly if he didn't want
to be with someone as
incredible as you,
he MUST be gay.")

It's just...

You were still the first man
I adored
The first real kiss
The one who turned my blood to fire
Who made me believe
the future
could be something magic
& not a lonely place

I just miss feeling certain
of something
I wanted
Something worth pursuing
& fighting for

Now I am just trying to finish
One project, just one,
Livin' on a Prayer lyrics
Can't make me hope

This really isn't about you.
I guess,
it's just a couple of drinks
& an old typed out play
that crossed Hamlet with The Wizard of Oz
(brilliant)
reminding me that I use
to have fire for life

& a heart to believe
in a happy ending for me

(23) Grief & a Loon

Why can't I just grieve?

like a normal person

I hate feeling

like the illogical

black hole of emotion

My heart turns into

a bad mid afternoon game show

My nails are gone

& my sanity seems to

be following the same path

how are you supposed to do this?

(22) Just the 3

I'm starting to think

I have the same

three conversations on repeat

I play through them

with friends

each day

Future

Boys

Hope

over & over

just a track stuck on repeat

someone

throw a wrench

in these spokes

save me

(21) To Do List

To do list

to do list

to do

Tonight I'll do my best to sleep

but my head's filled

with a million things

dreams, plans, 

good & tough, fun & sad

so much to do

but all of it can wait

for morning

tonight I'll just dream of you 

(20) Goodbyes

I've hit the point

of paradox 

The limbo of home

I'm looking forward

to my normal life,

but scared to say 

goodbye

Goodbyes feel so weird

Because when will

I see you again?

How do I know

my plan will work

or that we can stay the same?

It's just a couple of months

all filled with

new plans & change

It's exciting to move forward

but at the same time...

I wish it could

remain the same.

(19) Revolting Old Soak

Wonder of wonders
night falls again
leaving me here in the quiet
sans friend

Here in the lamp light
on this small twin bed
holding tight to blankets
tired thoughts fill my head

It's been a strange couple of weeks
I wonder where you are tonight
Are you hoping for me?
Do you wonder if I'm alright?

Because tonight I could really
use strong arms holding me together
and a calm voice
whispering in my ear

It feels like eternity
but this life passes so fast
I worry you'll never
find me

My grandparents found each other
and were married over 60 years
they raised 12 kids together
a crazy, loud, dysfunctional, happy family

I don't care if we have 12 kids
(or just 1 or 2)
I don't care if we get 60 years,
but I want as many as I can have with you

So if you're out there tonight,
can you please look around?
There's a girl waiting for you,
check the lost & found

She's probably carrying a bag
too big with a journal and a book
a deck of cards and a water bottle
just look

She'll probably have a pony tail
glasses, bracelets on her arm
soon-to-be tattoo "enough"
(even though her brother claims this makes her seem like a meth addict)

She's going to be a bit dysfunctional
laugh too loud, heart on sleeve
cries when she's angry
and she might be gun-shy, scared you'll leave

Just know this girl, this lonely heart,
beats just for you.
Dream of me tonight, love.
I'll be dreaming of you.

(18) Goodbyes Never Get Easier

Football & beer
maybe it covers for
the tired to fear
dehydrated from all these tears
Goodbye, we love you
we will not break
Hold us together
Keep us strong
help us live like
we know we should
with love,
with kindness,
& great good

(17) Hotel

Climb into bed
smile at the room
this bed is giant,
cheerful cocoon
long road of travel
come to an end
Finally finished
this bed, a new friend
closed eyes & cheer
drift in the dreams
give us hope
& far better scenes

(16) Good Night

My toes & noes & fingers are chilled
but I'm not sad at all
ages now have been spent
too hot to sleep
twisting up sheets
sweating through dreams
nothing but nightmares

Finally cool air & rest
time for sleep & real dreams
blankets & cheerful things
Put away the computer & iPod screens
Now it's time for sleep

So sweet good nights
& hopes for dreams
wish on the stars
& sleepy things
good night, long day
good night

(15) Point Break(ing) Point

I am tired of feeling
like I'm too much
Stop looking at me like
I've lost my mind

I don't like the tears
or how my voice
cracks & strangles,
but words have to be said

I can't bottle this up anymore
because that dam's about to burst
years worth of tears unshed
& misdirected action
pain misplaced
disoriented social interaction

I've built up my walls
high & deep
so no one could ever see
the broken shatters of who I am
buried underneath

I need a light,
a boat, & a heart to
guide me

Please don't tell me
how to feel
or what I need to do
my heart doesn't cater to your whims
broken people (hearts) need love too

Oi

What level of a mess are you when you realize that your good friend's sweet, but inebriated husband giving you a peck on the cheek when he hugs you goodbye (because you look at each other more as siblings than anything else) is the most physical interaction you've had with a member of the opposite sex in about 8 & 1/2-9 years?

Wow. I really may be to the crazy portion on this ride. I need to actually be social or take a more avid interest in crocheting, knitting, & cats. 

(14) Hand Please

Somedays it's hard to formulate words
Maybe things ran smoothly
but you run into the wall

The phone rings
unexpected things
bad news & you fall

Even when you know
it's slipping
you never know
the time

Sometimes we don't
get to say
our goodbyes

Tears are not my favorite
but sometimes they need to fall
I'm only human
suffering backlash from the Fall

Thankful for the bright light
& the party up ahead
knowing deaths a pause
but not the end

I don't have a lot
of answers
but I'll give you
my hand
I'll stand beside you
to through this
& to the end

So darkness hovers over
this weary night
but we still have stars
to guide us
even through this
our darkest night

(13) On Days Wishing I was Vulcan (Or at Least 1/2 Like Spock)

Sometimes I wish I were Vulcan

to be able to hold so much in check

to use logic,

not feelings,

to figure out

the next step

Instead I'm full-fledge human

wearing my heart upon my sleeve

tired of crying when I'm angry

tired of wanting what's outside my reach

I am trying to hold

the years together

despite my flawed attempts,

mistakes played on repeat

a Vulcan sensibility 

would save so much biting tongue & cheek

(12) Am I Lost? Am I Living?

I'd still like to believe

that there's time

to find me

Maybe I'm a little lost

My wandering heart

keeps me moving 

state to state

I long for more than this

a life can't subsist on

tortillas & NetFlix & spoiling your friends' kids

All the weddings, all the joys

Whose life am I really living?

Or is this life at all?

(11) Me & You, You & Me, Always

Life rarely turns out how you plan

but some things are always true

Me & you, for instance

Always me & you

My grammar may not always work

Maybe my poetry won't flow

but the sun keeps rising in the east

& you & I won't go

Today we've married, you & I

this starts our lives anew

& some thing's truly never change

just like me & you

Never fails

Never stops

Always true

just like me & you

(10) To Kid on the Eve of his Wedding

Tomorrow you get married, Kid

I can't believe the day is here

I remember you with baby fat & big blue eyes

little remains in the man 

you've become,

but the big blue eyes

Remember our reckless adventures?

Our bike ramp & tree climbing days?

Wrestling around for the football

laughing over secret crushes with Eric on the trampoline

Lifetimes ago

Now we live in 

different states

We live our

separate lives

But your still my little brother

The woman you've chosen...

We watched her grow up

She's beautiful & kind

artistic & brilliant

Better than any girl

I could've chosen

I'm grateful God gave her to you

Because I know you'll 

make each other happy

& pull each other through

Kid, I wish you all the luck, 

every ounce of joy

Take care of her

& fight for her heart every day

May a day never come

that finds you less in love 

than the day before

I love you so much, Kid

A most happy eve of your wedding

(9) Solace in Your Happiness

Generosity & good fortune always overwhelm

My new silver shoes sparkle

& make me think of Dorothy's slippers

(they were only ruby in the movie)

There's no place like home

Then we find $20 in the parking lot

"Happy dinner on me,"

says The Universe

It's really the little things

We'll try the cinnamon pancakes on Monday

fir breakfast 

I'll make that cheesecake

a pie's on the way

Sure we'll drink when this is over

to cheer ourselves 

on how beautiful it was

(& I'll survive 2 weddings, not 1

& hopefully old ladies & friends

will minimize the number of times

I'm asked how I feel 

about not getting married

first)

And we'll figure out the car

Tonight we have a winning football team

we've cheered to victory,

Good beer,

& laughter

So glad you can find

solace in your happiness

Me too

Why can't you?

So the world is falling

& at war

So my car breaks down

& I'm not seeing anyone at all anymore

There's still so much good here

Be overwhelmed & grateful

for the beauty in each day

Search for it & find the good 

(8) For Your Birthday

You remember the summer

you loved me?

You were sweet & funny

though boundaries seemed to be

a weakness

You told me you'd 

never go to far

Even though

your eyes betrayed your heart

Do you know you're

the only man who

ever made me feel

wanted

& desired

I still miss 

your fingers

laced through mine

or your hand

at the base of my spine

We watched fireworks 

from my front yard

& I told you my

heart & fears

I made you forget, 

for awhile at least,

the ghost of a girl 

you'd been chasing

for so long

You never meant

to love me

You never meant

to stay

It still, 

to this day,

surprises me

that you would've stayed

(think it startled you too)

but my heart was

a fire

roaming fast ahead

of me

burning me down

& burning my bridges

to the life you

were willing,

finally,

to work towards

In case I never told you,

You cut a gorgeous figure in a suit

Your smile could light up the darkest room

Your arms always felt safe

You were enough,

more than enough,

for any girl

(let alone me)

Please don't ever doubt

your strength & worth

based on me

I was young &

slipping through 

like water to the sea

(7) Visit

Home again

Comfortable & relaxed

despite the insanity on the road,

this is home

Every time I step in this door

I feel 17

shouldn't I be getting ready

for class?

September leaves

cooler weather

Sunshine golden

Everything brings me home

The realization that

This might be the last trip I have

to see this autumn falling

here is bittersweet 

There's so much to be grateful for

I will count them all

Thank God for home

& all the beauty of fall

(6) Getting Ready to Wait

Getting ready to wait

it's always the hard part

I need the sleep

so I can drive

so I set a bedtime

& settle into bed

but I'm still restless

I want to be on the road

To shake the dust

off my bones

to clear out room

for my autumn heart

The leaves are falling

the last of the weddings

are set to begin

Dresses packed

lists made

But with the coming fall

brings in the coming chill

Maybe my heart's hibernation 

will begin

& shut out

the lonely echoes

from all my unanswered 

words

Or maybe it will just

bring my soul relief

& sweet release

(5) Benadryl

Benadryl is kicking in

my eyes can barely open

but in this space

I replay

the conversations of my day

and the doors

they open

We head toward

the good

pursuant, passionate

May hope & good 

collide with

the real

for something even better

(4) Miss Me

I am tired of people

telling me

that they're sure you miss

me

You were his best friend

He always told you things

You cut him off, remember?

Of course, I remember

I remember everything

I know I cut my ties,

but in my defense,

You cut ties first

Once you were my oasis

in a desert

then one day I woke up

dying of thirst

realizing my eyes had

fooled me

You were too good to be true

a mirage in desperate heat

Still I searched

You remember, I hope,

that postcard

of the flying car

that you saw & knew

I'd love

(you always knew

how to make me smile)

It came in the mail

without warning

we hadn't spoken in

months

(not since that proposal--

no one warned me

that was in her cards

not mine)

Then the flying car

Your words were clear

as day

but muddled every

thought

You missed me

You wanted to have one of our long talks

You missed me. 

You. missed. me. 

Me. 

There on a postcard

Plain for every postal worker

who carried it between us

to see

You missed me. 

When you saw me next 

(with her in your stead)

I had barricaded my heart

You hugged me close

told me you were glad

to see me

You'd missed me

I smiled

and tried to keep

the strangled scream

of broken heart &

broken dreams

out of my eyes

We never had the talk

you claimed you wanted

I nearly pulled her out of the house

When she crashed the wrong party

the steady hand of drunks kept me at bay

Do you have any idea

how much the weight

of regret feels on

a heart that never

was brave enough

to speak the whole

of truth?

You asked me once

if I thought you were doing the right thing

Of all the people to ask

You trusted me

And I failed. 

This was wrong

it was going to hurt you

But I stayed my tongue & heart

told you only half

Never once did I give you the truth:

I love you.

Time & distance & walls

marriage & age & life

All the bricks I wish I could

tear down

But it won't change this

You're gone

& I can't believe there's 

even a second

where those words could be true...

that you 

miss

me

(3) Home.

When a smile grows out

of odd-placed questions

and safe but stretched

boundaries...

I think you've found home

Paintings to be hung

an old bag tossed

onto an office couch 

familiar laughter

Your hair is growing out

shirts smell like shirts

I'm still singing John Mayer

& reading poetry

New pens & spelling errors

Home. 

Home. 

Home. 

(2) The Beyonce/Jay-Z Range

Disappointment,

I rechristen you

Absence

Whether or not you make my heart

grow fonder

is none of your concern

(1) Island

It is a sick & twisted thing 

Not knowing who

(& where)

you are

Everything aches & arches

These cycles of my

physical self...

They don't make it easier

Every inch of me hungry

Every night lonely

Every prayer feverish--

hoping God will keep me sane,

& whole

Maybe arranged marriage,

blind dates, old systems,

aren't all bad

At least then I'd know you

And could build my life

on making you happy

My heart is deep as space

but clear as a glassy creek

If I could just dream of you

Hear comfort in the words you speak

That your lips 

could caress my name--

Maybe it would quench the burning 

& stave off the doubt

How long will I be stranded?

Or should I make a home

of this island

& decorate it with shells?

Jumble Heart, Tangled Head

How absurd to fear something fictitious? There's nothing there. There's nothing there. 

Sometimes the darkness still brings fear flitting through my chest. Not of the darkness itself because the quiet light of the night suits my eyes but of the things that show up to haunt me when I am aching to forget. 

The images and sounds that comprise my nap time nightmares or memories I would rather not relive...both keep trying to enter my sleep deprived body. 

Then I remind myself that Jordan blessed this house. He walked through each room with Becca, and he prayed. I know that God listened to Jordan's prayer, and I believe in God's protection over this place and those who live here. 

So why does something in me still scream in this?

Why am I still reliving old wounds? The death of my best friend, a man I loved and believed in walking out on me, images from things I've seen or books I've read (real and fictitious happenings), feelings of loss...

I want this gone. I need this gone. So many weeks now and still I can't sleep. What is haunting me?

Why am I feeling guilt over someone else's life choices? 

I still can't comprehend how my heart still feels surges of loyalty and fierce need to protect a man whose heart is not mine to fight for. He made his choice. During the day, I make progress, and I see growth in my heart moving forward. 

But the dreams have started again. 

I lose him in my dreams. He struggles outside my reach. He's broken and hurting, and I wake up only remembering that nothing was right and uneasy. I worry in these fevered moments that maybe it's not just a dream. 

I wish my heart could understand what my head knows, but then I think...maybe that needs to be flipped around and it is my head that needs to learn from my heart. 

Whichever, whatever...

God, guard my dreams. I just wish I could either remember them and understand them or end them once and for all. 

Weakness

It's been a week and a half since I came home from FUEL, but, as always, the affect lingers. 

There's a good chance that in the next few months, preferably after my niece is born, I will be moving to SC. 

Years ago, when I was in high school, I use to dream about picking up and moving to SC even though it was a place I'd never been. I'd heard stories about how beautiful it was for years from people who had family there of frequently visited, and over that time I developed a love and longing for this place I'd never been (not entirely unlike my feelings for Italy or Bali either). 

South Carolina has always been my hopeful dream. It was the home Nikky and I planned to move to after we'd decided we were done with college I still had never been there, and I was moving on faith that Nikky's love for the place, combined with my own dreams, would be enough of a reason to move. 

Those dreams never came to fruition because I decided to go back to school and Nikky met the man of her dreams. During my return to school, I did finally go to SC, and fell deeply in love with the state and the people I met there. I fell hard for a boy in SC, but when he chose someone else I let go of all my dreams for the state. 

But God likes to change my course, my plans, my heart. 

I am weak. I am worried. I am wonderful. 

God knows that I am still healing from having my heart broken, still healing from broken dreams, still doubting myself, still feeling confused. He knows my weaknesses and my fears. He knows me. 

God is filling in my blank spots, my cracks, scars, all of it. He's covering me with grace, calling me his own, and showing me love each day. 

Even more amazing? He's giving me a new dream, or rather, refurbishing an old one. 

I will move to SC. I will face fears that I won't fit in, won't be enough (or will be too much), and that I won't be able to contribute. I know that in these weaknesses He will shine through. 

I just have to remember 2 Corinthians 5:7, "for we walk by faith, not by sight," and know that God's got this. No matter what. 

My Heart Speaks in Whisper

Another smiling face

a lovey-dovey status

One more picture 

engagement rings,

wedding plans

I'm not the only lonely

heart tonight

but this aching heart

& empty house

make it feel that way

The safe bets & sure things

prove themselves untrue

& I wonder if anything stable

is really sure

or will those rules change too

Don't let me rain on your parade

or lessen your joy

or tear you down

My gloom will pass

I'll get away

And really, each new love

sparked & shining out

in this dark space

guides me toward hope

& a fire of my own

Dear Brain,

Shut up. No really. 

Stop telling me how lonely we are. Stop telling me that "no really, you can eat that. No big deal." Stop telling me to want people that are too young for me or unavailable. Stop telling me that I'm not pretty or worthy or interesting or worth pursuing. Stop telling me I need to change and then decide I don't or that it's not with trying. Stop telling me this is hopeless. Stop telling me no one will ever love me -- want me. Stop missing people who we can't have and that never loved us and stop pointing out why I was delusional for hoping they would want me. Stop raking through the past like you're looking for clues. 

Move on. 

Love,

J 

Wanted: New Dream

I've created a playlist simply entitled "Sleep." The mix is full of songs that cheer me on or slow down my too-quick beating heart. It doesn't always work, but each song has proven helpful on a night when sleep was near impossible. 

Lately I've had a lot of trouble sleeping. Maybe it's because a herd of teenage boys play ping-pong in the room above me late into the night or maybe it's because I've let my faithless heart go wandering yet again. Whatever the cause, tonight I am to the point that my gas-light has come on. 

Some times I think it's only when I am truly exhausted that my true character shines through. That little red light blinking back is showing me a lot these days. My loneliness. My addictions. My weakness. My oddly-placed hope. My fear. 

The weirdest/worst though has been the light shining on the empty spot my dreams should be occupying. 

My mom, a year or two back, told me that she didn't have dreams of her own. She was tired and working several jobs, and I think she just couldn't see anything beyond where she was. I hated seeing her like that because she seemed deflated and empty. I remember wishing and praying that God would help her find one, but at the time, I couldn't grasp how she felt. I remember thinking it was crazy. Everyone always has a dream to pursue, right?

Apparently not. I wish I still didn't know this feeling, but I am hoping now that at the very least this experience will help me grow and help me encourage others with their own struggles. 

There is hope, of course, my mom has since found a new dream and now happily spends her days helping kids at the library she works for and planning events for them. 

There are always more dreams. Now I just have to find mine. 

Reason to Believe

Today I am trying to push through my trust issues and also my own faults and hope for something better.

I've been living here in Ohio for roughly a month and a half.  I have been blessed with two jobs where I work with great people.  I seem to be fairly healthy although I am still trying to eat better.  I am spending a lot of time trying to figure out how to juggle bills especially since I have the glorious added stress of the great car key debacle which Alan paid for.  I still haven't figured out how to pay him back.  It's not like I have much if any money.

I realize I am going to be 27 in just over a month, but right now I feel just as scared and frustrated as I did at 19 when I moved to GA and it took 6 months to find a job.  Maybe I really will lose weight simply because I can't afford to eat.  I'll become Jeff when he moved to Chicago minus the cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol and slowly turn into a twig figure although to be fair, he had at least 75 less lbs to worry about to begin with.  Maybe I should look at this as something in my favor.

If I am lucky, Bath & Bodyworks will be hiring again soon, and then I might have a third job.  It won't be constant, but it will be something extra.  I desperately need that something extra.  I still have about $1,700 left on my surgical bills, about $330 on a bill from radiology, and now just under $400 to pay to Alan because of the great car key debacle (never buy a car from a friend of a friend...they're liars and cheats...at least the ones in Mt. Morris are...jerkgirl).

I am tired of feeling guilty that I got sick or that someone stole MY purse (not me losing the keys somewhere stupid, it was STOLEN...please stop joking that this is funny because at this point it just makes me nauseous and frustrated at myself which isn't fair).  I am tired of feeling guilty for not knowing how to pay Alan back.  I am tired of worrying that I won't have the money together to pay for gas or to pay my half of David & I's cell bill or that I won't be able to help contribute with groceries.

I am just tired.  I hate myself for feeling so beaten.  I am lucky.  I am living with two of my best friends.  I don't have rent or utilities to pay.  I have two jobs.  I know nice people.  I have food to eat and clothes to wear.  I am incredibly lucky.  God blesses me all the time...why do I still feel like a horrible failure?

Why do I feel like I'm going to let my parents down or that I'm going to make Jake and Amber hate me?  I am tired of hearing pity in peoples' voices or annoyance.

I just want to know I can do this, and today I am struggling to believe.

There's that song by Dashboard Confessional called "Reason to Believe," and it's been stuck in my head off and on for the past couple of days.  It's become the song I sing to myself trying to push myself a little further even if I don't know what I am pushing into.

I need a reason to believe, that I have victories to taste
I can feel them on my teeth, upon my lips and in my chest
I can roll them on my tongue, they are more supple than defeat
I feel the tension in my lungs and every move is fueled by my resolve...

So Much Le Sigh

Interesting note: eating clementines while laughing is painful.  Just remember that please.

It's 2 AM and How I Met Your Mother has taught me that nothing good ever happens after this point in the night, buuuuut I am still up.  I am laughing hysterically while Amber is reading things about auto-correct.  Painful, but hilarious.

The real problem is that I am realizing that some bits of the past should stay there.  Honestly.  If someone gave you the information to contact them and then when you try to get ahold of them they never say a word back...you should probably just leave it be.  Why am I still even connected to this person?  For why?

Le sigh.

Ghost

I knew coming here would bring you back to me
It seems that nothing I do quite escapes you
I can't deny that I felt fear
wondering if I could really keep healing
when I feel you here

Only a few days have gone by
and I feel that all the old
conversations and monuments
have been brought back to life

How ironic that you can be the one
to move forward
when I'm the one that changed

You're not yet in my dreams
and I hope you stay out
The only dreams I have had
were full of hope
and someone new

Maybe this means this
wound and bitterness
are finally receeding...healing

Because just because you're gone
doesn't mean you're still not here

Everything

"You have a specific responsibility to existence, to God if you like, to taste, touch, and smell what there is to experience.  You have to do everything.  If given an option between doing something and not doing it, you have to do it; because you've already don the 'not do it' part. This can be juvenile and dangerous, I realize, and there are a lot of things I have chosen not to do, for a million reasons.  I was raised polite.  I've never hurt anyone, except guys I was sparring or fighting with.  And I don't take needless risks.  The idea is to make it through intact; 'safety' is my  middle name.  But I feel that you owe it to the world to be curious.  Somebody asked me if I was looking for something.  I am looking for everything."

That quote is from Sam Sheridan's brilliant book A Fighter's Heart which I am currently reading and a bit in love with. I read it, and I see something of myself reflected back up at me.  I spend a lot of time in the "not do it" department of life, and I think I miss many things.  This is not who I planned to be, nor is it where I intend to remain.  I choose each day to do something more to make something new.

I too am looking for everything.

How will I find it?

Grudge

My family is wonderful.  We tend to be an incredibly hilarious and fiercely loyal group.  We love each other, and we love our friends.  We take care of each other and the people around us as best we can.  We give whatever we have to whomever we can.  I am proud of who we are, but we do have a pretty frustrating flaw.

We are also brilliant at holding grudges.

This drives me insane.  I can't pretend that I don't have this very much in my veins because I am currently trying to loosen my grip on a grudge that I have developed over the past two years that is completely stupid, but I am struggling to let go of.  I'm also trying to keep myself from becoming bitter over things that are really outside of my control or the control of people around me.

God give me strength to not be a total moron about my relationships, please.  I want to be a better version of myself each and every day, and I know I can't be holding onto anger or frustration and withholding forgiveness.  It's counterproductive and unhealthy.  Le sigh.

I guess what I need to do is remember the best bits of my soul and who I am, and try to shake out the rest and rebuild.

Here's as a good a place as any to start.

Not a Tree

A wonderful friend of mine sent me this picture this past week.  It made me laugh at the time, and it still does.  As much as I love and adore trees and all they do, I am glad I am not a tree.  I'm far, far too restless to be a tree.  

I love my life.  I love my hilarious, quirky, brilliant, insane, warm, thoughtful, talented family (including David's amazing Kelsey), and I really am dreading being far away from them.  At the same time, I know that who I am right now is not going to serve anyone at all.  I am becoming stagnant here.  If I were a tree, I would be flourishing, but sadly, I am not a tree.  Instead I'm a little more wild, a lot more quixotic, and, most important, I have legs.  It's time I learn to stand on them.

Today I have begun the arduous task of packing.  I realize that as I am moving two weeks from today that I probably should have been working on this long before, but I'm a procrastinator, especially when I'm frightened or overwhelmed.  As a result, I have been making some serious to-do lists.  I wrote one for myself this morning before church because I figured if I went ahead and made out a list I might be more inclined to accomplish something.  It seems to have worked because when I got home today I immediately started putting things away and pulled out the first box to fill.  As of this moment I have all but a few last books packed.  When I am finished typing this up I will start going through my cds and hopefully have all of them packed up within the next hour or so.  After that, I am not sure where I will head, but, with luck, my momentum will carry me through a couple more boxes and I will be much closer to be finished that I was when I woke up this morning.  

Today also began a line of plans to do some visiting with people.  I will be going to grab some Chinese with friends at my favorite Chinese restaurant in Freeport on Tuesday night, and might be hanging out with a friend on Thursday as well.  I'm sure there will be many more last minute visits over the next two weeks.  

So now I begin my deep breathing, continue with my constant prayer, say a lot of thank you's, accept well-wishes and blessings, and start walking.  God didn't make me to be a tree, so it's time to move on.

How You Ever Gonna Know

Everything is exactly the same tonight, but that's really just the surface.  My room is still a complete train wreck with it's overflow of boxes, blankets, books, and papers, but I'm not the same.

I've been sitting here for the past several hours listening to a warped array of music from Ella Fitzgerald to The Features to a little Garth Brooks and slowly letting it sink in that in less than a month I will no longer live here.  It scares the living bejeebers out of me.  I have lived with my folks for the past 26 years (not including the 18 months I lived in Atlanta for school), and I am realizing I have no idea what I'm doing.

Over the past several months I have spent a lot of time talking to God and trying to truly trust him.  I know he's not going to drop me on my head, and I know this little tug in my heart pulling me forward is from him...I just wish I wasn't still struggling to believe.

Going to Ohio is the right thing to do.  I need to force myself out.  To take this next step.  To have faith that even if it seems insane, this will prove to be something amazing.  God isn't going to let me down.

Tonight I will take a couple more deep breaths.  I will work the sleep out of my curled up right leg, and I will add a few more to-do's to my to-do list.  I will hold God's promises to my heart knowing He's got only my best in mind, and also holding to the thought that there are many more good deeds to be done and hearts to be warmed.

Good things will come of this bit of insanity, even if it's not what I'm expecting.

Wish me luck,
J

ps.  Favorite Things of This Very Moment (10:41 pm):

• Newly photocopied recipes to try
• Slipper boots
• Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie
• Names
• To-do lists
• Sleep leaving my legs
• Dangly silver earrings
• Hope

Ungolden Silence

Wrapped up inside
of questions and the vague
outline of fears

It's probably nothing
I'm too young to die
but people have

I want to be scared
and honest
but it's hard to do

No one wants to talk
when they think
they might lose you

So this ungolden silence,
held tight in my chest,
it's the only sound

The echoing quiet
the rolling absence
the nothing of it all

How do you say I love you
when no one want to hear
because that could also mean goodbye?

I'm not trying to be pessimistic
I just want truth
because...

What if's aren't always a luxury
sometimes they're just fact
which could be a doctor's next word

Just because I bring luck
doesn't mean
I get to keep it

I'm trying to hold out hope
with no one to hold on to
Or someone to say they hear me

Just hear me
Acknowledge that I'm scared
and that this is real

because I'm tired of standing in this quiet alone

This is the New Year, a New Beginning

I have given quite a bit of thought to New Year's Resolutions in the past week or so, and I have realized, once again, that I have much I still want to accomplish or enjoy.  As a result, I have come up with a new list of changes/new trials/ideas that I will be trying to implement this year.

For the Coming Year (in no particular order):

• I will cut back on impulse buying.  I still have some medical bills to pay off, a move to consider, a new job to find, and a bigger life to start living.
• I will try to cook more.  I do quite a bit of baking already, but I was given a pair of excellent cookbooks by my brother, David and his fantastic girlfriend, Kelsey for Christmas, and I'd like to actually make myself real meals.  I know this would be cheaper and healthier for me as well.  It's worth a try.
• I will save money out of every paycheck.  I've been terrible about preparing for my future/saving, and it's time to really get that underway.  If I could get this going, I would actually have money put aside when the next storm comes.
• I will try to lose 2 lbs or more each month of the coming year.  It may not sound like much, but it would be a lot easier to see to the end of that goal each month than to set a huge and crazy goal.  This I can do.
• I will try and get the children's book I wrote this past year published.  And then I will write another.
• I will pay off all the medical bills I have accrued this past year, and the few I will have before the end of January.  This is doable.  I just have to plan it out and make it happen.
• I will start paying my father back.  I owe him money from when I was putting myself through school and had some insane car problems.  My goal for this over all is to pay him back completely by the time I am 30.  It's a few years away yet, I know I can make this happen.
• I will practice the ukulele. I was given one for Christmas this year which is a life-long dream come true, and so I am determined that I truly will learn to play.
• I will try harder to get along with my body. I have put my body through a lot this year, and it's done the same.  I would very much like for us to be on the same page and getting along finally.  I think after all these years, we both deserve a little compassion and to be better taken care of.
• I will practice Radical Honesty on a more regular-esque basis.
• I will give more toasts.  Because I can.
• Do something nice for someone else every day.

These goals will not be very easy for me, but I do believe I can make them happen.  I also believe they will allow me to be a healthier, happier person in this new year.  I'd like to have a go at a better life.

I suppose I should also update my bucket list, so here goes:

1. Love and be loved by a good man.
2. Finish reading all partially read books.
3. Send someone a telegram via telegramstop.com
4. Give more away.
5. Visit the ocean.
6. Make Eric Callaway his long ago promised Green blanket.
7. Write a long letter to the pope.
8. Buy a sarong.
9. Figure out what to do with the video camera.
10. Pay back my father.
11. Write my own obituary.
12. Wine and dine someone who deserves it.
13. Have a completed emergency fund.
14. Watch all of my RiffTrax at least once.
15. Become financially independent.
16. Learn to make hats.
17. Be me. And love being me.