Day 7: Calle

Dear Calle,

Thank you. 

I don't know if I ever told you this before (or anyone really), but I was suicidal off and on the whole spring I lived in South Carolina. I've fought depression since I was about 13, but I'd never been that low. It wasn't even that I wanted to kill myself...I just didn't want to exist. I didn't want to feel ashamed of the total failure of CofC. I didn't want to feel the gnawing ache of loneliness or feel heartbroken and jealous that the man I thought I'd marry was living nearby with his pregnant wife. I was, undoubtedly, a train wreck of a girl. The reason I tell you this is that you were one of the reasons I held on tight. 

Calle, I think you kinda saved my life. 

Little sister, words cannot express the comfort I found in your presence and laughter and the hours we spent watching NetFlix (and Dyson's handmade vests...delightful). You were what helped keep me going because I knew I was able to do good things for you like picking you up from school whenever your mom managed to forget or talking walks or listening when you needed advice. Taking care of you in little ways and growing our friendship helped me remember how much hope is left in the world. 

God only knows what I'd have done without you. You have been such a huge blessing. 

Thank you for continuing to challenge me, pray for me, laugh with me, confide in me, and listening to me. God has blessed me so much through you, Cal. I love you so much. 

Thank you. 

Love,

Jaymin

(71) Here I Come. Blessed.

A few more hours

& I'll be on the road. 

Just one more to-do list

& then a new life

How did I get so lucky

to have so many

people love me

& so many homes open

to me

& so much freedom

to go

I don't have to know all

to know I'm blessed

Why my Mom is the Coolest

A picture of my mom from a couple winters ago.  My dad took this.

My mother's birthday is today.  Because I have been sickly and have barely left the house in weeks, I do not have a gift for her yet, but I will be writing her a lovely card this afternoon before she and my dad get back from running around Rockford for her birthday.

My mother is amazing.  This summer she has shown that again and again and again.  Don't get me wrong, I have always been amazed by my mother and have felt God has blessed me with the best mom in the world, but this summer, as you have heard, has been a bit of a crazy one for me.  During all of this, she has never failed to lift me up, pray for me, and do all that is within her power to help me out.  My mom is an incredible woman.

I have been thinking about that a lot today, for obvious reasons, and I thought I would share with you some of the reasons my mom is so incredible (these are in no particular order):

1. She is always there for me.  Through everything I have dealt with this summer, be it boy trouble (there's been a lot of that), physical pain, financial worries, lots of crying, frustration, sickness, and anger...she has never left me or failed to listen.
2. She always finds the time.  As you can imagine, me being as sick as I am (and have been), there have been a lot of appointments and tests to go to.  My mom has never once complained about having to drive me anywhere, and she's had to take off a lot of work to take care of me.  She even drove me to an appointment this morning and went with me in to see the doctor and to the lab when I had to have blood drawn.  She never fails to make time for me when I need it, even if that means postponing something she had planned to do.  She is wonderful.
3. She always makes me laugh.  There has been so much in the way of stress and worry and...well...bad feelings this summer, but in spite of all of those things, my mom always makes me laugh.  It could be because we have the same morbid, twisted sense of humor, but she always finds a way to make a bad situation (no matter how bad) seem hilarious exactly when I need her too.  It always makes life easier to handle when you can find something to laugh about, and she really helps with that.
4. She helps me see where God's at work.  Today on the way back from my doctor's appointment, my mom pointed out the beauty of the timing for all of this to happen.  Sure, there's never really a good time for your body to decide that it hates you, but honestly, the timing could have been so much worse.  I was still at home, so my family could support me and help take care of me.  I am working for a company that was willing to be understanding of my predicament and let me come back to work even though I've missed so much time.  My mom is working for a company run by a wonderful woman who is friend's with our family and was more than willing to let my mom off or move her hours around so she could help me with whatever I needed.  There's been so much lately that God's done that I may not have seen if it hadn't been for her helping me see it.
5. She loves me so much and tries to make sure I never forget it or doubt it.  My mother is, and always has been, an incredible mom.  She takes the time, does the little things, pays attentions, is always willing to help, prays, helps me to understand all this complicated medical junk, and always tells me she loves me.  She is a great mom.
6. She always fights for me.  There have been many times over the past few weeks that I have been scared or confused or didn't know what to ask anymore, but my mom has been willing to step in and help me ask the questions I didn't have the strength to ask or to fight for whatever I needed from my doctors.  She has always been willing to stand up for me when I needed it, but I don't know if I have ever appreciated that as much as I do now.  I could not have done a lot of this without her help.

God has really blessed me with a wonderful woman of God as my mother.  She is amazing, and I truly hope that as I get older I become more and more like her.  

Happy birthday, Ma.  I love you, and I hope you never question that.  May this be a fantastic birthday for you, and I hope that there are many more beautiful years ahead.  You're wonderful.

Good Luck to You & Happy Valentine's Day

("Extraordinary Mind" by Andre Jordan...this was what made me love his work from the very start)



Favorite things of this very moment (8:22 pm EST):

• My freaking iPod
• Purple boxes full of Kleenex
• Two sleeping puppies curled up on the floor
• Knowing that people I love are in love
• The Damnwells

I NEED to escape. There's only so much I can do before my heart explodes. Thankfully I have projects of my own to deal with. Bruno Mars has a voice that could probably soothe anything stressful and wrinkled out of my system. The ironic thing is I have been totally fine all day. How exactly is it that a person can feel sane and normal until after 8pm. Maybe I'm just not good at dealing with the night.

On the other hand, I'm pretty sure I'm completely blessed. I was given a completely wonderful letter by my lovely roommate, Amber today. Made me cry, and made me super happy. Sometimes you just really need someone to tell you that they think you're awesome. Especially when you question that about yourself. I'm always questioning something anymore.

Oh look a distraction!

Life is beautiful, and I am grateful for the infinite amounts of love and kindness I have frequently been the recipient of lately...well really, I've always been this blessed. I just have a tendency to forget that.

I am grateful for Amber because she reminds me that I'm wonderful and tries to keep me grounded in reality when my heart is trying to run off without my head. Especially since lately my heart seems highly disconnected from reality. And I talk too much. Way too much.

I am grateful for Jake who adores Amber and is a brother to me now, even if that never becomes a legal reality. I'm glad he's a part of my life and I hope that never changes.

I am grateful for Nikky because she puts up with all my nonsense and still loves me. Even when I'm highly undeserving and an undeniable whiner. Really, she deserves a better best friend than me, but I hope she knows how much I love her. She doesn't hear it nearly often enough.

I am grateful for my mother. I'm not sure if she will ever realize how much of the time she is what is holding me together in the end. When my world is falling apart, my mother is usually the one who tells me I'm alright and that God will keep me together if I just let Him. How often do I need that kind of reminder? More often than I want to admit.

And God is good. Beyond good. God is amazing, and then more so. He's blessed me with a family that believes in me and is proud of me, and He's blessed me with friends who have my back and remind me that I really am something beautiful in my own time.

One last bit before I leave you. It's a verse that I've loved for a long, long time, and it's the one I always think of around Valentine's Day, so bear with me. This is Song of Solomon 2:7 from The Message:

"Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer: Don't excite love, don't stir it up, until the time is ripe - and you're ready."

Blessings...Truly

Favorite things of this very moment (1:19 am EST):

• The new shelf Amber and I were given today by my Uncle Cheat which has managed to make our apartment suddenly seem like a place we actually live as opposed to a place we're just staying in. I have no idea how it managed to do that, but it really does make all the difference in the world. Now we just need to get that gorgeous swan painting Nikky gave me up on the wall and we'll officially live here.
• Conversations with Sam
• Oldies on my iTunes (ex: "These Eyes" by The Guess Who)
• Kleenex
• Knowing I can sleep in tomorrow morning without guilt or interuption
• My letter from my Uncle Harvey

It is late. I should probably go to bed, but I'm just in this lovely mood where though I am tired, I don't really want to go to sleep just yet. Instead, I just want to be.

God is beyond good. Beyond what I could ever have expected and definitely far beyond what I deserve. I've been trying to pull together the money to finish paying off this semester of school, and because God is incredible, He has been touching the hearts of the people who love me and I have been getting a lot of support. I've been blown away by the generosity and love shown to me by my family and my church family and friends. Everyone has been amazing, and I feel overwhelmed by this.

"Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls; All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me." -Psalm 42:7

That verse in Psalms has been many things to me over the years, and tonight I think it fits again. I feel like my heart has been calling out to God's heart, and as a result, He's overwhelmed me with His love, faithfulness, and provision. I am blown away by all of it.

Life is great. God is AMAZING. And I am grateful.

Lucky Penny

(The 3 pennies I found yesterday at various points...I think they were lucky)




Favorite things of this very moment (4:14 pm EST):

• Hearing the ridiculous guitar riff that signals a text from Jordan
• The Textfree application on Amber's iPod
• Having one of the world's coolest roommates (honestly)
• Italian Blood Orange Soda
• Crayons
• Having a clean kitchen
• Knowing I am blessed

Right now I want to email my mother.

This is not a physical impossibility nor am I trying to say that she is unable to be reached by email at this time...in fact I would probably hear back from her before the end of the day if I emailed her right now. The problem is, it makes me homesick.

Living 800+ miles away from the other 5 members of your immediate family is a difficult challenge. Especially when you've lived with them for all but 9 months of your 24 years of life.

My mother is an incredible woman. In her email to me today she reminded me that God did not get me this far away from home only to leave me and abandon me. God knows what He's doing, even though I haven't a clue.

My mother is, as always, very right.

God will not leave me, He will not forsake me, and He will provide for me. I am following His call, and He does not disappoint. He does not fail to keep his promises.

God is good.

I know my mother is right for a variety of reasons, but let me just point out the most obvious examples of the truth she reminded me of:

My friend Jake (who is also my amazing roommate Amber's boyfriend) is here in Amber & I's apartment for almost every meal. He practically lives with us, and that's not an issue. Having him around is actually pretty great, plus, Amber and I both have a tendency to want to feed everyone all the time.

For the past few days I have been wondering how on earth I'm going to be able to help Amber buy groceries because I still haven't found a job and my bank account is dwindling. Amber had already come up with a plan, but that mainly was just her way of saying she'd cover our groceries until I found a job. Incredibly sweet, incredibly generous, but I didn't want to have to do that unless there were no other options.

And God blessed Amber and I both.

Last night as Amber and I are getting dinner together, Jake announces he's decided it's his turn to buy groceries. I just remember staring at him for a moment. Amber did too I think. He said since he was always here, and we tend to try and feed him that he wanted to buy groceries this time around. He said we just had to make sure we had a list and he'd take care of it.

Last night God provided Amber and I with groceries through the kindness of a friend. Thank you, Jake. And thank you for your creative provisioning God.

But then something else happened.

My friend, Calvin has been using my car to get back and forth to work the past 2 days (and will the rest of the week if he'd like to) because I thought it would be the easiest way to go. I didn't think too much of it. I just wanted to make sure he got safetly too and from work.

When he came in last night to drop off my car keys, he asked how many gallons of gas my car holds. I thought it was an odd question, but let him know, and he said that this made sense. Apparently he'd practically filled up my gas tank last night just because he could. I had been wondering for the past few days if I would be able to pay to put gas in my car...

Thank you, Calvin. And thank you God for providing me with what I needed to keep moving. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

God takes care of me. Every single day. In so many, many ways. Most of the time I am sure I overlook them and take them for granted...but these were just so lovely. So obvious. So wonderful.

I feel really blessed right now. I'm surrounded by wonderful people: Amber (one of the kindest, funniest people I know); genuinely honorable men of God like Jake, Mitch, and Calvin; Regina (who is always willing to help); and Nola & Bob and Uncle Jon, Aunt Sarah, & the kids (my wonderful, wonderful family). Not to mention having a really kind set of "adopted" parents in Randy & Rhonda Barton.

God is so, so good.

Gifts and Magic

Favorite things of this very moment (9:15 am CST):

• Sunshine on the snow (though blinding, it makes everything sparkly)
• Louis Armstrong singing Christmas songs
• Talking to my mom
• The sound of the heater kicking on
• Mira lounging like a mountain lion on the back of the couch next to me

Today is already a beautiful thing. I don't have anything special planned. I don't have anywhere to go besides work. I don't have anything else that I have to do at all really. There's just something promising about a Friday. Especially a Friday before Christmas. It's rather lovely, and in my case, fairly well relaxed.

I love that in the Christmas story in Luke 2 it says that after the sheperds came to see Jesus that "Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." It must have been overwhelming, but I think it must have also been rather wonderful. I guess mornings like this give me a slight sense of that. I'm looking out across the frozen backyards of my neighbors across a shimmering blanket of snow and frosted trees, and what I'm pondering is Christmas. Treasuring in my heart all the joy this blessed season harbors.

God loved me so much that He sent his little one into this world. He sent a baby. A little boy. This makes me think of Carter. My friends, Brian and Hannah just had their little boy last week. The joy I feel in this is overwhelming. My friends, Todd and Shelley brought home their newborn baby, Noah as well. Todd and Shelley have been trying to adopt children for years, and in the past few months so much has changed for them. They were given a beautiful little 4 year old girl, Abigail (who I adore more than words can say), and they'll officially have adopted her this coming month. On top of this, they've also been given the gift of this brandnew baby boy, Noah. December is a magical month. God is giving more gifts.

Does that amaze anyone else? The sheer unumerable number of gifts that God has and is giving us? Even now. All these wonderful new babies: Carter, Noah, Aria (my friends, Kyle and Angies new baby girl). The warmth of our homes. The love of our familes. Our wonderful friends. What about the delightful pancakes I had this morning?

Everything is a gift.

I guess what I'm saying is, no matter what you're struggling with, no matter what I'm struggling with, God is still there, and He is still creating perfect, beautiful things in our lives. Even when we don't see them right away. Let's try to keep our eyes open for the beauty and wonder that God is placing in our lives. For the gifts and for the magic. This season is full of both.

There's Always Something to be Thankful For

Today, instead of doing my "Favorite things of this very moment" list, I'm just going to tell you what I'm thankful for. It won't include everything that I'm thankful for because that list would never end, but I'd like to tell you some of them.

So, with the spirit of thanksgiving dancing in my blood, here's a list of things that I am thankful for:

• Nikky: because she's my very best friend, she makes life easier, she understands my ramblings, my whining, my confusion, and my hysteria. She makes me laugh, and she lets me cry. It's impossible to feel too ashamed or embarrassed when she's around, and I'm rarely if ever afraid to say whatever I feel or think. She understands. I'm glad she's been so gracious about all the issues of our attempts to move (it will happen, but only God knows when. Sooner than later), and she introduced me to good Silk soy milk, RiffTrax, Chai, and many good books, songs, stories, movies, poems, and pictures. She's the other half of my soul (in a completely heterosexual way, of course. *smiles*). I love her. I am thankful.
• My family: because they're as crazy as I am, and despite how wishy-washy I am all too often, they're fair more patient with me than I deserve. They love me in spite of myself. I know they'll be there for me no matter what, and I love each of them for that. They make me crazy, but they also make me laugh so hard I'm in tears, and I think they know I love them more than I can say. I am thankful.
• Kayla: because she's the sister I never had. She is one of the kindest people on earth, and I adore her for that. Her exceeding thoughtfulness, her laughter, smile, words of encouragement, and willingness to lend a hand will always make her something extra special. I love her very much. I am thankful.
• Ben: because he stuck with me through my darkest times, and never turned me away. Even when I was a brat, he still cared about me. He's always been there for me, and I truly hope that we are always able to be the great friends that we are. And because he read the Twilight series in exchange for my reading Harry Potter. Ha. :)
• Jay: because...he lets me be what I need to be. He doesn't question my sanity, even when I do, and he believes in me when I don't deserve it. He's shown me grace and respect even when I'm acting like a lunatic, and has called me one of his very best friends even when our relationship was strained and my heart was breaking. He's one of the most talented musicians I know, and the girl that gets him will be lucky beyond her wildest dreams. Because he believes I am courageous and true of heart and sees good in me that I struggle to see. Because he's a little in love with Edward himself, even though he's one of the straightest guys I've ever met. :) But mostly because he makes me laugh, allows me to be awkward, is incredibly beautiful, and is truly wonderful.
• Fresh blueberries: because, despite how trivial it sounds, they're fantastical, and because I'm currently eating a bunch of them in some vanilla yogurt (forcing myself to attempt to eat some kind of food in the morning can be interesting, but this is quite lovely).
• Financial Peace University: because the principles I learned while taking that course helped me to value saving money more than I ever have. I have money put aside, and this makes life much easier as I still haven't found a new job, and my lay-off date looms ever closer. Even in uncertainty, I have some hope because I have money saved up...it'll take me a little while to burn through it. And I'm not too worried just yet.
• Stovetop Savory Herb Stuffing: because my mom makes it every year at Thanksgiving, and it's delicious. Something out of a box isn't supposed to taste nearly that good. :)
• Warm clothes
• Chocolate chip cookies (or even better, chocolate chunk and butterscotch chip cookies, which I intend to make a big batch of within the next few days...mmm...)
• Korean pop songs: because they make me smile, I can understand half the words, and the music videos are full of insane dance moves (which I want to learn) and great subtitles.
• Warm showers: because there are few things in life more soothing or better able to warm you back up
• Good books: because they can transport you out of the mundane or frustrating parts of your day and make you feel a deep connection with the characters and the people around you. Plus they can really inspire you and give you hope or make you laugh...
• David having his own place: because I can see how excited, happy and proud he is to be able to support himself and have his own life. I'm proud of him for being so brave, and hope that he'll be blessed in all of this.
• My faith: because it keeps me going and gives me hope when I feel all is lost. God's going to take care of me, I just need to do what I can, all that I can, and leave everything else to Him.
• And Jordan: because he inspires me and makes me smile.

Like I said this is a very small portion of an ever-growing list, but I wanted to share. I hope you find many, many things to be thankful for both big and small.

Happy Thanksgiving, with all my love.