And the Darkness Could Not Comprehend It

Even though I'm exhausted and know I have to be up in a few hours, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this day. 

What is happening here?

At what crazy point did we tip the scales from occasionally horrific to seriously psychotic? I can't grasp this. I can't. My brain rejects this reality. I don't want my godsons, my nieces and nephews to have to grow up in a world like this. I don't want to be terrified of them traveling or to worry that they won't be safe inside their homes or churches or at work or school. I don't want them to live where they can't feel safe. 

Most of all, I don't want them to be afraid. 

I am afraid. Not so much for me, but for the people I love. I can't imagine losing someone in a tragedy like the San Bernardino shooting today or any of the seemingly endless police shootings or school shootings or hate crimes or protests that got violent or gang wars or any of this. 

What in a human being could ever switch off the ability to know compassion, kindness, and love to the point where you go and kill the innocents? What can you possibly gain with innocent blood?

NOTHING!

Nothing in the world. Or the next. 

How do you fight against something that is like a shadow creeping across creation?

I don't know what anyone else is going to do, and I'm not even real sure about me, but I do know this: I'm going to love with all I have till the day I die. I'll keep donating whatever I can (time, money, clothes, whatever); trying to show mercy and grace whenever I can; breathe deeply; express affection more freely; take more risks; and pray. 

I think if we all tried to be consciously kind and giving and willing to hear people out...it might help. 

I just want to be something good in this world and be a part of the light that the darkness does not comprehend. 

Day 31: God

Dear God,

Thank you. 

Thank you for the crazy month of October. Always crazy it seems, but I am grateful. Thank you for my incredible family, for my sweet friends, for renewed friendships, for my godsons, for the changing leaves and allergy medication. Thank you for giving my a home to live in, great co-workers, and a steady paycheck. 

Thank you for reminding me of what I've left behind and what's worth fighting for. Thank you for showing me, yet again, how blessed beyond measure I am. Thank you for showing up for me. I am always blown away by the ways you choose to speak. Your kindness and live blow me away. 

And your patience, Lord. Thank you for your patience when I am stubborn and your grace when I fall. 

Thank you for loving me. I love you, Lord. 

Thank you. 

Love,

Jaymin

Day 17: UpSwing Crew

Dear UpSwing Crew,

Thank you. 

I really appreciate what you're working on. I know Saturday was the "pilot" of the service, but I believe this will be a wonderful new ministry for the church. It was intimate, enjoyable, and a wonderful starting point. Thank you for all the work you're doing to make this service possible. I know it takes a lot of time and effort to plan a worship service (especially when you're trying something new). I hope it takes off. 

Thank you. 

Love,

Jaymin

Light's Back On

I'm caught in a moment of sweet serenity.  Fans are keeping the air cool and I've spent the last half hour giggling while working on a birthday gift for Forrest because we could both use a few more laughs these days.  I get to sleep in a little in the morning and then go to the chiropractor.  I get to meet Joel's best friend John for the first time tomorrow, and I get to go see Joel and Dad in "The Odd Couple."

For a brief moment, if nothing else, life is peaceful.

FUEL was last week, and for the first time in a long time, I could hear God again.  That took some doing.  He has been waiting for quite awhile to hear from me.  I'd been talking, talking, talking, but I'd been talking to a wall and not so much to God.  Mind you, God's been listening the whole time, but I'd done such a phenomenal job of trying to keep God at arms distance (if not further) that I had to relearn to do this.  I spent the first two days of camp trying to clean my heart back out and spent a lot more time crying, praying, and working through junk than I could have ever planned to or thought possible.  I tore down all the walls I'd spent the last year putting up around my heart and soul, and I asked God to come back in.  I thought a lot about Psalm 51 and Hosea and asked God to help me clean all the trash out of my soul and the rubble out of my heart and to help me overcome my unbelief.  I may be a mess, but at least I know I am one and have finally started figuring out where my flaws are tripping me up.  I am still far, far, faaaaaar from perfect, but now I'm back to trying to be the woman I have always wanted to be.

I made some decisions about my future.  I'm going to try to go back to school within the next year (hopefully this coming spring), and I'll keep working at my job till I find something better.  I'm starting to lose weight, and I'm going to try to keep it up.  I've been writing notes to people again.  I'd forgotten how telling people how much I appreciate them makes everything in life a little brighter.  I don't want to lose that light.

God's been doing some cool things.  He's drawn me back to some old and incredibly beloved friends, and presented me some new challenges.

God is good.  I am grateful, and there is light again.


ps.  Here's a list of my favorite things of this very moment (1:47 AM CST):

• The Lonely Island
• The mix I'm working on for Forrest
• Knowing I have a chiro appointment in the morning
• This sense of peace
• Simpson's Tapped Out
• Knowing I still have time to make several decisions
• Properly switched out light bulbs
• A chance for renewal
• Peace

Are You Rushing the Plan?

Today I actually got to go to church.  I don't think I can properly explain how much it means to me to actually be at my church on a Sunday morning.  It wasn't long ago that I wouldn't have even considered a job that would make me work on Sunday mornings, but then I got sideswiped by life and took the job that showed up when everything else seemed to say no.  My job is not a bad one.  I get to take care of good people, and this is all good, but words can't express how much I miss my church family.  I miss getting hugs from my Sunday School kids.  I miss talking to my extra grandparents and getting their advice and hugs and love.  I miss talking to my married friends that I only ever seem to see at church now.  I miss feeling like I'm connecting to my family and community instead of feeling like a withdrawn loner.  I miss talking to my cousin and her husband and playing with their little girl.  Not being at church every other week makes my life seem stretched, but not at all in a good way.  I feel like every 2 week span is just one week because nothing feels like it's resolved until I'm back in church.

Today, because we're within Advent, Michael was talking about God's plan vs. our own plans.  Michael asked if maybe we were rushing God's plan instead of waiting and letting God lead.  I don't know anymore.

I want to let God lead, but I'm not trusting the way I should. I've struggled with that for quite awhile, but it seems like lately, if I even try to be vulnerable, if I trust people with small things, I get screwed over. The past couple years have worn what's left of my belief in others and myself down to the point where instead of belief cushioning/protecting me it's like none scraping bone. Nothing is protecting me, or at least that's how it feels. 

I'm sure this is my fault, to be honest. I trusted in people, not God. I placed my future in the hands of people I thought I could trust because I was afraid of being left behind. 

Really, I think that's what Michael was trying to point out. We tend to stop following God when we're afraid. We think the path He's leading us down is scary or it seems like it's taking too long. Instead of trusting, we veer off on our own down a different path. One that looks brighter or seems like a shortcut. 

The problem with that is they never work out. You end up at a deadend where you need to backtrack and retrace your steps to the original path. Or you end up hurt and bleeding and in desperate need of healing. Or you end up fighting battles that could've been avoided. Or all of this. 

Truth is, I am scared. I don't feel like my life is working out. I had a poorly healing wound ripped open suddenly today, and I am wondering how long I'll be dealing with this. I know what my heart longs for, and I know my faults. I know I keep trying to take shortcuts around the loneliness and I know all the justifications I try to make for my bad choices, but it all comes down to my fear that this will be my life forever. That I'll always be the lonely, self-depreciating girl struggling to love herself and to be something good in this world. 

I'm going to try to spend this Advent season retraining my heart to follow where God is leading and trying to heal a little. I'd like to be more like Joseph and less like doubting Thomas...

Popcorn Jellybeans

This summer has been unusual.  To be real honest, I'm extremely grateful it's finally coming to a close.  I got quite a bit of traveling in, saw first hand what the benefit of having a grief counselor at camp is, brought home a new kitten, junked my car, resigned from my dream job, and moved back in with my parents.  I've developed new scars on my ankles, feet, and hands; given away about a third of what I own; and finally started reading the copy of Catch-22 that my brother gave me; and I've tried to be more honest with people about my feelings.  I've read more books and watched less NetFlix.  I got to spend some time playing with my nieces and nephews (though there's never enough time) and learned to write cover letters.  I toyed with recipes, hung out with friends, continued a long-standing word game, and even vacuumed behind my bed.  It's been a different kind of summer.

The past couple of weeks I've felt like I was losing hope, and I've been spending more time awake worrying and overthinking than I'd like to admit.  There's nothing better than trying to do math at 4 in the morning because you're trying to figure out what you have left in your account and if you're going to be able to make it till you find a new job or (which should just happen) someone finally pays you what they owe you for work you did earlier in the summer/spring.

But God shows up.  In my depression and doubt, I've been struggling to pray because I just didn't feel like I had anything to say that would be any different than anything I've said before.  I've dealt with depression before, but usually I find comfort drawing closer to God.  This time I just felt like I was in O'Hare where they keep moving my gate and delaying my flight with no end in sight.  Thankfully, even though I've been feeling like everything is pointless and my life is starting to crumble about the edges, my friends and family stepped up.  Someone was always there to remind me that they loved me and had my back, and just as important, they were praying for me.  My friends, my family, my church...they kept praying.  They kept reminding me that someone good was on it's way.

Today, after getting stung by a bee, bit by a beetle, not being able to find job postings, and being told there was no longer a job opening at one of the places I was trying to apply to, I finally got a call back about a position that I really was hoping for.  I go in this coming Wednesday to go over the details of the offer and start the hiring process.  I could not be more grateful for this opportunity.  It's going to make me have to learn to flip my sleep schedule completely since I will be going to work extremely early in the morning, but I will be able to walk the 3 blocks to work from my house and by November I will have real health insurance.  This answers so many prayers and I am so grateful.

God showed up.  I need to start remembering that just because I don't think it's possible or am feeling like things are a lost cause, I am not the final say.  God can make it happen, and He's not going to abandon me when I need him most.  He will show up and He will come through for me.  I hope you can see that too and find your own popcorn jellybeans.


ps.  Favorite Things of This Very Moment (1:45 AM CST):

• John Mayer
• The Cat Who book series
• My Hawaiian Breeze fan
• The fact that the temperature seems to be dropping
• Knowing I get to go to Rockford with my family in the morning
• Major League (the movie)
• Handheld Tetris
• My large and wonderful hospital water bottle that keeps things cold for ages and ages
• That I'm actually tired and should be able to fall asleep pretty close to instantly after I get off this thing
• Recycling

I've Always Relied on the Kindness of...Well...People I Know (and Occasionally Strangers)

Everything is stacked everywhere and I feel completely overwhelmed.  I have stacks of job ads.  I have stacks of framed pictures.  I have a huge stack of winter clothes I won't need for months tangled up with a pile of dresses I never take the time to wear.  I have stacks of books and stacks of movies.  I have 2 little stacks of random gifts, letters, and notes that need to go into a box so I can send them to my best friend, Nikky sometime in the not so distant future.  I have stacks of photo albums, and tonight I just feel like my life is a series of piles strewn about on my floor.

Everyone wants to help, everyone wants to ask questions, everyone wants me to come visit them soon or to go to lunch, and everyone wishes this hadn't happened.

Me too.

I keep trying to tell myself that resigning from this job that I believed was my dream job would somehow rectify what was going on.  Doing this would help me find my path back, and I still think it will, but sitting here surrounded by all this stuff that I'd honestly like to throw into the street and never see again, it's hard to believe.  (In my head I can just see all my stuff stacked on the curb as I watch out our porch windows as people come and dance with glee at their good fortune to find stacks of wonderful books and music and movies and clothes and everything as if it were that seen in Elizabethtown where Drew gets to witness just that.)

What's keeping me together is the God keeps reminding me how loved I am.  My siblings, sister-in-law, parents, uncles, aunts, cousins, and close friends keep reminding me.  People keep trying to connect me to job opportunities or volunteering as references.  People keep trying to help me get all my stuff in one place or move things for me.  People keep hugging me and telling me how glad they are to see me home.  People keep offering to injure certain offending parties.  I guess I keep trying to spread out all those beautiful kindnesses and gifts in front of me and put them on top of all the stacks.  It may seem like that would add to the mess, but really it just makes everything a little brighter and more beautiful.

Everything about this is insane, but at least there's hope.

Reminder in the Rain

The earthy smell of summer rain is coating over the ache of too much worry too little God. This wild lightning outside my window and the storm rolling in are reminding me of who wins in the end. Despite the neurotic, depressed, sassy mess that I am, the God of this storm, this truly beautiful, utterly powerful storm, loves me as his own. He created this storm, and He created me. 

I may not be as far reaching or blindingly beautiful as lightning, but I am a spark and light through the darkness because that's what my God and Father created me to be. And I may not be as powerful and my voice may not be as loud and commanding as this storm, but I have the strength of the God of thunder to guide me. His power is in me, and with Him in me and guiding me, who can stand against me? And my voice can speak with power and thunder when it needs to speak up for those with no voice or who need their stories heard. 

My God created me just as unique as the clouds and bolts of lightning. He made me beautiful, powerful, dangerous, cleansing, and life-giving. I am grateful this storm can remind me of what I sometimes lose along the way. God's reminders of His power and strength and of what He created in me never cease to blow me away. 

Close your eyes, listen to the storm, and I think you'll remember too. 

Badger Camera Mittens

Sometimes I wonder. 

Tonight, for instance, when I just finished reading my second book in as many weeks about a soldier now state side trying to recover their own lives, I wonder. 

I wonder if things would've turned out differently if you would've held my hand or if I had kept writing you letters. I didn't mean to abandon you to adulthood & war, but when my best friend died, any word out of me was impressive because I just barely held on. 

Sometimes I think that maybe if I knew more about the man you've become or you text me some time other than when you were drinking that maybe something would happen. Especially since I'm pretty sure your family wishes you would marry me. 

I can't help it, I guess. Late nights, good books, quiet...they leave me free to wonder. It's just that you have beautiful hands and you cheat at any game you play. Plus you listen to me and you created that pointless game when I was sick. I know you've got a good heart, but I think you're angry with God because you think He's the reason for the loss. 

I still hope you see around the anger & realize God's been waiting all along to give you eyes & strength to see through the pain. It looks bleak, I know, but something new & beautiful will come from it. 

Really. 

Overcome, Overcome

Favorite things of this moment (9:12 pm EST):

• New music blaring through my speakers (ESPECIALLY Leagues...if you haven't listented to them...get your act together!!!  You can find them here!)
• This new laptop which really is fantastic
• Figuring out how to tone down the brightness on my computer (thank you Kayla for telling me about f.lux because it really has been a lifesaver)
• New playlists mending broken hearts and one for future hope
• Don't Look Down by Jennifer Crusie & Bob Mayer (you can buy it here, and trust me, you want to)
• Cadbury Creme chocolate creme eggs...yes
• NetFlix
• Unsweet tea
• Sitting on Shelby's couch because I live here more than home
• Realizing it's time to take a risk

I have been thinking about this quote since my sweet friend, Calle sent it to me yesterday.  It came at one of those moments where I'd just spent an entire evening trying to pretend like my heart didn't feel like I had just been through a car wreck.  I'd done a good job to be honest because I was surrounded by people who love me and who were trying to have a good night and trying to restore sanity in a world where so little ever seems to truly make sense.  Even after a good night with good people, my heart still felt like a wreck.  

God and I had been having a discussion prior to the heartwreck of last night.  Just an hour before my heart ran full-speed into that wall, I had gone to a Good Friday service.  I'm not always a big fan of these services because I'm never sure if my heart is in the right place.  Sometimes it feels fake to me, and I had been talking to God about this.  I don't doubt God's existence or what Jesus did for me and for you and for the whole of the world...I just have trust issues.  Bad ones.  Ironically caused by the exact creature that made me feel inside out later in the evening (more on that later).

This year at Cornerstone Bible Church here in McDonough, they decide to integrate the Stations of the Cross into the Good Friday service.  I've read about the Stations of the Cross, but I'd never experienced it.  As Pastor Dave was standing upfront explaining a few of the stations, my heart went into this panicky overdrive.  He's talking about a station where you remember what Christ was dying for and at this station (for our purposes at least), we would confess our sins by writing them down and nail them to the cross.  I panicked because I was thinking about how recognizable my handwriting is because I write letters to everyone that goes to the college to encourage them.  I thought about the fact I would be publicly pointing out my own flaws in my incredibly distinct handwriting.  Here I am thinking about how messed up I really am, how screwy I am, how flawed I am, and on top of it, I'm freaking out because I'm realizing I need to confess this (even though God already knows) and nail this to a cross in a church I'm frequently a part of.  

I started really examining my heart.  As I'm standing there talking to God and shifting through all the mess that is my heart (especially lately)...lust, gluttony, fear, mistrust...it all comes back to one thing: Unbelief.  Again, I don't doubt God's existence, but I do struggle to trust.  

I struggle to believe that God has a plan for me.  I can't seem to find a dream that I can hold on to or truly invest in because every dream I've decided to pursue has landed me far from where I had hoped.  Many of them have left me bruised, bleeding, broken, and with pieces missing.  I want to move here, so instead I land somewhere else.  I fall for this guy, but he chooses to marry someone else.  I want to finish my degree, but I get denied approval to come back to my program.  

Don't tell me I'm not pursuing God closely enough.  You don't know me or my heart.  You may well be right (you'd probably be right), but you don't know me.  

Trust is not something that comes naturally to me anymore.  It use to be a much easier thing, but I was naive and I dated a man who I loved completely who promised many things.  He never managed to keep a promise.  I made a mistake.  I made the mistake of putting faith in someone who couldn't deliver, and I realize God is not a liar.  God keeps his promises, but unbelief is my struggle.  This is my sin.  This is the seed that grows into lust (because I'm scared no one will love me, so I let myself lust after men that aren't mine even though that just perpetuates the loneliness and makes me bitter), grows into gluttony (because if no one is ever going to love me or I feel this lonely, why not eat...because won't it dull that ache and fill that void, even if it's only briefly), grows into depression (because if no one wants me and I'm alone and I can't see a new dream or hope...who cares), and so much else.

As the father of that boy in Mark 9 asks Jesus, "Help me overcome my unbelief!"  This is my prayer.  This is my constant prayer.  This is what I was asking God last night.  I'm still a wounded mess of a girl, but God knows my heart.  

I went to that station and decided to be honest about my sins.  I wrote what needed to be written, and God and I spoke about the rest.  Then I turned to nail it on the cross and realize everyone had folded their notes in half and nailed them to the cross.  You couldn't read a single one.  I nailed my note to the cross, and realized that God really used this experience to make me look at myself.  It made me panic enough to suddenly make me realize what all I'm ashamed of and what I've been trying to hide even from myself.  I realized what I need to clear out of my heart, and I realized what I need to be fighting to hold to.

The rest of the service was a constant dialogue between God and I.  

Miraculously, this was exactly the discussion I was going to need to have had before I headed to some friends' house.  I'd been there just a few minutes when I was informed that the man I had planned to marry when I was a senior in high school (yes, he had asked me to marry him and I had unequivocally agreed because I loved him) had gotten married to his boyfriend of several years earlier in the day.

It was a rough night.  Thankfully I was with close friends.  Even better?  I had just had that talk with God.  Had it fixed everything?  Not by a long shot, but it did remind me that it's gonna take a lot more than my past to take me down.  More than that, I know that God's got my back and, more importantly, my heart.  Even though this was a pretty strange blow, I got back up and life will be okay.  

Now I just need to trust.  

ps.  That quote is what I'm working on in my life.  Too short for lame boys or bad coffee.  I'm gonna keep finding good coffee and only cry over people that are worth my time.

Full Speed Into the Dark

Favorite things of this very moment (3:16 PM EST):

• Unsweetened ice tea from The Millhouse (Angie is the best)
• Plans to head to Atlanta tomorrow afternoon to hang out with Shelby for the weekend
• Motor World (because Daddy got me completely hooked on this pointless game)
• Remembering that I have Oreos in my room from Calle (sweet)
• The possibility that Jordan and I will be heading to TN for a day to see Amber, Jake and Ellie at CWS and then spending the weekend with friends in Atlanta in a couple weeks

I need to move again.  I'm back to being antsy and unsettled and frustrated.  I need my own boundaries, privacy and a clean kitchen.  It's time to face everything I'm truly scared of at this point, and move out on my own.

For years now I've just figured my life would follow the path that seems pretty traditional in my family (and for many of my friends as well) where I would just go to school and live with family and/or friends until I found the right person and settled down.  At that point I'd expect to move out and deal with all the joy and wonder of normal rent/housing everything, but I'd also be facing it with the person I plan to face all my future challenges with.  This is not my life.

It's kind of hilarious when I start thinking about the fact that there has ever been a hope that my life would follow a traditional pattern.  Nothing I do seems to go by any cultural/social norms within my family or just the circles I am a part of.  I am, instead, a gypsy.  A nomad.  A wanderer.  Mind you, this is not strictly by choice in any traditional sense, but rather, I begin to get comfortable or use to a place, and I find myself being nudged onward.  Always onward.  Packing my bags, my life, my car back up and heading to the next place.

I don't regret the places and people I've been introduced to along the way.  I don't regret following God's leading to new places.  I don't regret any of that.  I've lived a life few can claim.  My locals haven't been exotic.  I haven't gone to new countries or had to learn new languages, but I've lived in different cities among different people in different states.  Each place is a new culture to learn with new stories and traditions, and in each place I have met people or grown relationships that have helped me to continue to grow into the woman I am trying to become.  I've learned new skills and learned about my shortcomings.  This life grows me and stretches the bounds of my heart.  It tests my trust in God, and it scares the living daylights out of me.

There is a longing in me that wishes I could've lived that other life.  Lived the life where I went to a secular college, become a psychologist or a librarian or taught literature or art history somewhere, found a normal guy, got married, had kids.  My folks were married with 2 kids at this point.  One of my brothers is married.  Most of my close friends are married with little ones.  If I'd have picked my life out of a stack, that would've been the life I chose.

But God knows better.

Lord knows I'm a wanderer by nature, and I love the travel.  I just really wish I could find home again.  Maybe moving out on my own after all these years will find my heart at rest, or maybe I'll just realize I'm beginning the next step onto a new path and into a new adventure. Whatever I'm facing, I'm holding onto God's goodness and praying that I'm discerning enough to see where He's leading and brave enough to follow.

Here I hold to Elizabeth Gilbert's words defining faith as "walking full speed into the dark." Here I go.

Leaning

Is it selfish to pray that God brings you someone to share your life with? There are so many people more together, kinder, prettier, and more deserving than I am. I feel selfish for wanting to find someone to love, but I know what my heart of hearts is longing for in this life. I know I want to spend the rest of my life making someone else's life better every day. I know I want to raise kids in a loving (though probably goofy/crazy) environment with the person I love. I just want, as selfish as it feels, to get a chance to start this relationship before I truly am too old to have healthy kids and watch them grow up. 

I spent the past 2 weeks playing with my beautiful nephews, and I know how much work and stress a family can be, but the joys outweigh the risks. 

I realize that some people are gifted in the talent of being single, but I can't do this forever. It will literally drive me mad. 

I'm going to keep leaning into God. I can't see this path, but I know I'll be moving again in the next few months among other things. God will help me find my way and hopefully I'll come out the other side with a stronger faith and renewed heart. 

(85) You Show Up

There's a kind of peace

I never quite expected

but I always should've known

That You would give me courage

when my heart failed to beat

& You would give me strength

when I could not

find my feet

You showed up for me

even though I was

Full of doubt

You showed up for me

when I was still asking "how?"

You love me

in spite of my mistakes

& all this crushing doubt

& then you whisper in my ear

"Child, there's a way out,"

& You gently tug my heart

& hold my hand

as I face my fears

You show up

because You love me

& You'll never leave me here

(77) Help Me See

Flip-flopping back & forth
between the possibilities
& future conundrums
I have to wonder
what am I capapble of fixing
how can I contribute?
where have I made friends?
Lord, let me see
who you need me to be
& help me pursue the dreams
you've laid up in me

(75) Not Finished Yet

There's not much of a map
for where I'm going
but I know I'll get there
God's got hig hands on this

It feels crazy
moving state to state
love the excitement & joy
that I feel
sometimes it still seems hard
to believe I could
be this lucky
or be this blessed

Don't know what all
God is doing here
but he's not finished
with me-with this-
yet

(14) Hand Please

Somedays it's hard to formulate words
Maybe things ran smoothly
but you run into the wall

The phone rings
unexpected things
bad news & you fall

Even when you know
it's slipping
you never know
the time

Sometimes we don't
get to say
our goodbyes

Tears are not my favorite
but sometimes they need to fall
I'm only human
suffering backlash from the Fall

Thankful for the bright light
& the party up ahead
knowing deaths a pause
but not the end

I don't have a lot
of answers
but I'll give you
my hand
I'll stand beside you
to through this
& to the end

So darkness hovers over
this weary night
but we still have stars
to guide us
even through this
our darkest night

Jumble Heart, Tangled Head

How absurd to fear something fictitious? There's nothing there. There's nothing there. 

Sometimes the darkness still brings fear flitting through my chest. Not of the darkness itself because the quiet light of the night suits my eyes but of the things that show up to haunt me when I am aching to forget. 

The images and sounds that comprise my nap time nightmares or memories I would rather not relive...both keep trying to enter my sleep deprived body. 

Then I remind myself that Jordan blessed this house. He walked through each room with Becca, and he prayed. I know that God listened to Jordan's prayer, and I believe in God's protection over this place and those who live here. 

So why does something in me still scream in this?

Why am I still reliving old wounds? The death of my best friend, a man I loved and believed in walking out on me, images from things I've seen or books I've read (real and fictitious happenings), feelings of loss...

I want this gone. I need this gone. So many weeks now and still I can't sleep. What is haunting me?

Why am I feeling guilt over someone else's life choices? 

I still can't comprehend how my heart still feels surges of loyalty and fierce need to protect a man whose heart is not mine to fight for. He made his choice. During the day, I make progress, and I see growth in my heart moving forward. 

But the dreams have started again. 

I lose him in my dreams. He struggles outside my reach. He's broken and hurting, and I wake up only remembering that nothing was right and uneasy. I worry in these fevered moments that maybe it's not just a dream. 

I wish my heart could understand what my head knows, but then I think...maybe that needs to be flipped around and it is my head that needs to learn from my heart. 

Whichever, whatever...

God, guard my dreams. I just wish I could either remember them and understand them or end them once and for all. 

Weakness

It's been a week and a half since I came home from FUEL, but, as always, the affect lingers. 

There's a good chance that in the next few months, preferably after my niece is born, I will be moving to SC. 

Years ago, when I was in high school, I use to dream about picking up and moving to SC even though it was a place I'd never been. I'd heard stories about how beautiful it was for years from people who had family there of frequently visited, and over that time I developed a love and longing for this place I'd never been (not entirely unlike my feelings for Italy or Bali either). 

South Carolina has always been my hopeful dream. It was the home Nikky and I planned to move to after we'd decided we were done with college I still had never been there, and I was moving on faith that Nikky's love for the place, combined with my own dreams, would be enough of a reason to move. 

Those dreams never came to fruition because I decided to go back to school and Nikky met the man of her dreams. During my return to school, I did finally go to SC, and fell deeply in love with the state and the people I met there. I fell hard for a boy in SC, but when he chose someone else I let go of all my dreams for the state. 

But God likes to change my course, my plans, my heart. 

I am weak. I am worried. I am wonderful. 

God knows that I am still healing from having my heart broken, still healing from broken dreams, still doubting myself, still feeling confused. He knows my weaknesses and my fears. He knows me. 

God is filling in my blank spots, my cracks, scars, all of it. He's covering me with grace, calling me his own, and showing me love each day. 

Even more amazing? He's giving me a new dream, or rather, refurbishing an old one. 

I will move to SC. I will face fears that I won't fit in, won't be enough (or will be too much), and that I won't be able to contribute. I know that in these weaknesses He will shine through. 

I just have to remember 2 Corinthians 5:7, "for we walk by faith, not by sight," and know that God's got this. No matter what. 

Grudge

My family is wonderful.  We tend to be an incredibly hilarious and fiercely loyal group.  We love each other, and we love our friends.  We take care of each other and the people around us as best we can.  We give whatever we have to whomever we can.  I am proud of who we are, but we do have a pretty frustrating flaw.

We are also brilliant at holding grudges.

This drives me insane.  I can't pretend that I don't have this very much in my veins because I am currently trying to loosen my grip on a grudge that I have developed over the past two years that is completely stupid, but I am struggling to let go of.  I'm also trying to keep myself from becoming bitter over things that are really outside of my control or the control of people around me.

God give me strength to not be a total moron about my relationships, please.  I want to be a better version of myself each and every day, and I know I can't be holding onto anger or frustration and withholding forgiveness.  It's counterproductive and unhealthy.  Le sigh.

I guess what I need to do is remember the best bits of my soul and who I am, and try to shake out the rest and rebuild.

Here's as a good a place as any to start.

Not a Tree

A wonderful friend of mine sent me this picture this past week.  It made me laugh at the time, and it still does.  As much as I love and adore trees and all they do, I am glad I am not a tree.  I'm far, far too restless to be a tree.  

I love my life.  I love my hilarious, quirky, brilliant, insane, warm, thoughtful, talented family (including David's amazing Kelsey), and I really am dreading being far away from them.  At the same time, I know that who I am right now is not going to serve anyone at all.  I am becoming stagnant here.  If I were a tree, I would be flourishing, but sadly, I am not a tree.  Instead I'm a little more wild, a lot more quixotic, and, most important, I have legs.  It's time I learn to stand on them.

Today I have begun the arduous task of packing.  I realize that as I am moving two weeks from today that I probably should have been working on this long before, but I'm a procrastinator, especially when I'm frightened or overwhelmed.  As a result, I have been making some serious to-do lists.  I wrote one for myself this morning before church because I figured if I went ahead and made out a list I might be more inclined to accomplish something.  It seems to have worked because when I got home today I immediately started putting things away and pulled out the first box to fill.  As of this moment I have all but a few last books packed.  When I am finished typing this up I will start going through my cds and hopefully have all of them packed up within the next hour or so.  After that, I am not sure where I will head, but, with luck, my momentum will carry me through a couple more boxes and I will be much closer to be finished that I was when I woke up this morning.  

Today also began a line of plans to do some visiting with people.  I will be going to grab some Chinese with friends at my favorite Chinese restaurant in Freeport on Tuesday night, and might be hanging out with a friend on Thursday as well.  I'm sure there will be many more last minute visits over the next two weeks.  

So now I begin my deep breathing, continue with my constant prayer, say a lot of thank you's, accept well-wishes and blessings, and start walking.  God didn't make me to be a tree, so it's time to move on.