Collab 1: Blender Brain

Here I am
scribbling notes again
Chance encounters during errands,
pictures in old cabinets
sometimes the past feels
too close

Do you ever wish
she was me?
Sometimes I wonder
what you could possibly
see in me (like every day)

My beautiful eyes
and that perfect
"Doctor Who" quote
It means the world,
but I still ache to
hear you say
"You're beautiful."

I've seen her picture
She had your heart
(and more)

You love me,
I know it's true,
but I still don't
understand how you do

Am I worth this trouble?
With all my flaws and faults?
With all the ideas and beliefs?
With my brokenness, my mental health and
this busted up body of mine?

Can you see what I can't?
Because I have an ache in my heart
from the smiling stories
of all the old times I missed

My own story feels like
darkness broken by up by stars
until you showed up
and the sun rose running golden
into afternoons that feel
like home and childhood and
front porch talks

But I still find myself
laying here
singing "Hey, Jealousy"
and hating my brain,
when you smile and take my hand
"Forever and ever...no more privacy."
And I have to laugh
We are our own story
and I am beginning to realize
this is the start of something
I get to keep
and it will never end

Day 5: Schmoel

Dear Joel,

Thank you.

Joel, I just want you to know that I am proud of you.  So proud of you.

You moved today.  It's so weird.  I'm glad you are getting to do this.  I am so proud of you for going back to school.  I know all this change feels a little overwhelming and that there are still some aspects that are a little too up in the air for your happiness, but I know God's got this.  You are pursuing what is on your heart and the talents and gifts God's given you.  Even if it is a challenge (and it's always a challenge), I know you are going to do brilliantly.

Thank you for pursuing your passions.  Sometimes I feel like I have begun to stale (hopefully not "stale baby" stale, but you know what I mean), but your fire and light tend to make everything brighter.  Your passion to pursue your dreams inspires me.  I am so grateful for that.

It's been a real blessing getting to spend so much time with you and watching you grow into the man you've become.  It still seems surreal to look at you now when I can just as easily remember you crawling around. It's been a privilege watching you grow up, being part of your life, and just having the awesome responsibility of being your older sister.  No matter where I am or what I'm doing, you will always be a priority.  You know where I am if you need me.

Chase those dreams, little brother.  I've got your back.

I love you so much.  Thank you for never letting anything or anyone stop you from just being you.

Love,
Jaymin

Day 1: Nikky

After what seems to be a long hiatus, I'm back.  I've decided to accept the Write 31 Days challenge for 2015, so for the next 31 days (barring the typical level of weird incidents my life likes to be full of) I'll be here writing.  We're supposed to pick a topic to spend 31 days writing about, and that is proving to be the most difficult part.  Part of me wants to write on love.  Part of me wants to write about gratitude.  Part of me wants to write about change and challenge since I'm trying to face both, so in the end I think I'm going to be writing about some of the incredible people I love as a sort of tribute/letter to them/thank you/love letter.  Gratitude for incredible people and the love I feel for them and what they do.  I hope this doesn't mess with the general idea of this challenge too much.  We'll see.  At any rate, here's day one.

Dear Nikky,

Thank you.

I started writing this letter and realized I was writing it to the Internet to explain who we are when the whole reason I was going to write this letter was to tell you how grateful I am that you're a part of my life.  I hope it's not too embarrassing that I'm doing this in a public forum and that people we know might see it along with who knows how many perfect strangers.  Somehow putting it out in the universe makes it both anonymous and incredibly long lasting, and hopefully you'll feel okay with that.

I'm just grateful.  I'm grateful you still write me letters back and tell me your stories even though we're states apart.  I'm grateful for the long phone calls when we find time to make that work.  I'm grateful that you call me your sister and your best friend.  I'm grateful for the gales of laughter over highly inappropriate things and incredibly awkward moments.  I'm grateful that you have always been willing to stand with me and stand up for me and that you've always had my back.

Even more than this, I'm glad that despite all the change, health issues, relationships, and everything that we are still friends and still manage to grow closer as the years go by.  I will never be able to express to you how incredibly honored and surprised and amazed I was when you asked if I would be willing to be your boys' godmother.  I've never been asked anything so important or so easy to say yes to.  A day hasn't gone by since you asked that I haven't been amazed all over again by your trust and that I haven't been awash with gratitude with the opportunity this affords me.  I adore your boys, and I will do everything I can to make them feel loved and wanted no matter what life brings our way.

My plan is still for us to be roughly 103 and living in the same nursing home stirring up trouble by racing our wheel chairs down the hall and scaring the crap out of the new CNA's, so you and Yan need to stay healthy and very much alive.  I'm still hoping one of these days I'll meet a great guy, settle down, and have a couple kids of my own so that my godsons can have godsiblings (is that weird to say? "godsiblings?" is that a thing?), but even if it doesn't, I'll enjoy getting to be a part of your boys' lives.  Thank you for giving me that joy.

And Nik, I love you.  We make the weirdest, best pair and I am glad God gave me you as a sister and as a friend.

Love,
Jaymin

Well Maybe I Lied: The Jaymin Cheatwood Story

Someday, when I write my memoirs, my memoirs will be titled Well Maybe I Lied: The Jaymin Cheatwood Story.  It will be a weird and rambling tale that covers everything.  All the mess, the death, the loss, the sickness, the insanity, the lost love, the unrequited love, but it will also cover the little miracles (and the big--the angel, for instance), the surprises, the incredible blessings, the support and love of my family and amazing friends, and the hope.

It will be a story of changed plans and a changing heart and a growing, changing woman because no matter what plan she seemed to have, it seemed God had something different and better...sometimes it just took her a lot longer to catch on than she should have.

My plan for over a year now was to be in SC forever.  I was done moving and running around and everything.  I would be there working with Glennis on Children of Change till the end of time, and that was totally alright.  I wanted that.  That was the life I fully believed God had led me too.  And then it started changing.  I still believed I was supposed to work with Children of Change for forever, but I was starting to believe that what I needed was to go back to ABC to get those last 23 credit hours so I could officially have a BA from ABC in theology with a major in youth ministry since I intended to be working with kids all the time for CofC.  It made perfect sense.  Anyone who has talked to me or been reading this blog for the past few months knows that I followed that plan.  I've signed up for classes to start this fall, and it was going to all work out.  I was going to be able to add a lot of credibility to our organization.  I was even going to apply for my ministerial license after graduation so we could have two licensed ministers on staff (Kim and I both)...

But the truth is...it's probably not going to happen.  Granted, I could be wrong.  I frequently am these days, but maybe not.  I will continue to work for Children of Change, but, at the very least, my summer plans have been altered.  I had planned to be up here in IL with my folks and family for just two weeks, and now I'll be here till at least the end of July.  Depending on how July goes, it may be significantly longer.  I may be here until January or God only knows when.  All I know is that this decision, though it complicates many things, is the first time I've felt peace, real peace, in months.

I can't decide if I'm being selfish or if I'm actually being sane doing what I'm doing right now.  Maybe I just needed to do some running to end up back where I started all over again.  I may still do ABC this fall or in the spring, but it's going to take a lot more praying and a bit of a miracle in order to make that happen.  Honestly, I'm wondering more and more if perhaps, I was listening to the panic and the contingency-plan-making bits of myself deciding to go to ABC.  I'm trying hard to be brave, to do new things, to do the right thing, but sometimes I have no idea how to do that or even what the right thing is, and right now that sums up nearly every day.

So I am going to take the next couple of weeks and do some research.  I may be looking into some alt. school plans.  I also am going to see if I can learn anything more about knitting because I have access to people who can teach me things like that right now.  I have already written myself a giant to-do list for this week, most of which I probably won't get done, but I'm going to try to tackle as much of it as possible.  Plus, I figure, as long as I am here, I am going to try to be a blessing to my family and do as much as I can around the house to make life easier for them, and I will try to spend more time with the people I love here.  I also have the opportunity to do some more work on the children's book I wrote.  My sister-in-law is working on the storyboard/illustrations for it at this point, and I think if we actually can meet a little more regularly and discuss it, we may actually figure out how to get the crazy thing published!  How insane would that be?

On to a new week and new crazy and new challenges.  I may not know where I'm heading yet, but I do know that dark as the road may seem, there's light in the distance.  I'm gonna be alright.

God's got this.

Leaning

Is it selfish to pray that God brings you someone to share your life with? There are so many people more together, kinder, prettier, and more deserving than I am. I feel selfish for wanting to find someone to love, but I know what my heart of hearts is longing for in this life. I know I want to spend the rest of my life making someone else's life better every day. I know I want to raise kids in a loving (though probably goofy/crazy) environment with the person I love. I just want, as selfish as it feels, to get a chance to start this relationship before I truly am too old to have healthy kids and watch them grow up. 

I spent the past 2 weeks playing with my beautiful nephews, and I know how much work and stress a family can be, but the joys outweigh the risks. 

I realize that some people are gifted in the talent of being single, but I can't do this forever. It will literally drive me mad. 

I'm going to keep leaning into God. I can't see this path, but I know I'll be moving again in the next few months among other things. God will help me find my way and hopefully I'll come out the other side with a stronger faith and renewed heart. 

(56) Dive

There's a funny falling feeling

when you're looking at the edge

I inch forward & see

this whole vast wide future

staring up at me

the colors & the winds

stirring up my hopes & dreams

tugging my heart

& pulling me closer to the ledge

Here's where I learn to fly

spread my wings,

deep breath,

& dive

(55) Future & Hope

Sometimes I see you

You show up at work 

You're the extra sweet guy with

the kind eyes & dark hair

Sometimes you're the one good comment on my blog

the guy that sent me a book

& asked "How is your heart?"

You're the one who shows up 

in my favorite dreams 

the one who wraps his arms around me

& misses me when we've apart

You are the hope

I still have

of a future waiting

& someone to come home to

Who is coming home to me

(18) Goodbyes Never Get Easier

Football & beer
maybe it covers for
the tired to fear
dehydrated from all these tears
Goodbye, we love you
we will not break
Hold us together
Keep us strong
help us live like
we know we should
with love,
with kindness,
& great good

Weakness

It's been a week and a half since I came home from FUEL, but, as always, the affect lingers. 

There's a good chance that in the next few months, preferably after my niece is born, I will be moving to SC. 

Years ago, when I was in high school, I use to dream about picking up and moving to SC even though it was a place I'd never been. I'd heard stories about how beautiful it was for years from people who had family there of frequently visited, and over that time I developed a love and longing for this place I'd never been (not entirely unlike my feelings for Italy or Bali either). 

South Carolina has always been my hopeful dream. It was the home Nikky and I planned to move to after we'd decided we were done with college I still had never been there, and I was moving on faith that Nikky's love for the place, combined with my own dreams, would be enough of a reason to move. 

Those dreams never came to fruition because I decided to go back to school and Nikky met the man of her dreams. During my return to school, I did finally go to SC, and fell deeply in love with the state and the people I met there. I fell hard for a boy in SC, but when he chose someone else I let go of all my dreams for the state. 

But God likes to change my course, my plans, my heart. 

I am weak. I am worried. I am wonderful. 

God knows that I am still healing from having my heart broken, still healing from broken dreams, still doubting myself, still feeling confused. He knows my weaknesses and my fears. He knows me. 

God is filling in my blank spots, my cracks, scars, all of it. He's covering me with grace, calling me his own, and showing me love each day. 

Even more amazing? He's giving me a new dream, or rather, refurbishing an old one. 

I will move to SC. I will face fears that I won't fit in, won't be enough (or will be too much), and that I won't be able to contribute. I know that in these weaknesses He will shine through. 

I just have to remember 2 Corinthians 5:7, "for we walk by faith, not by sight," and know that God's got this. No matter what. 

Change of Heart

Sometimes the darkness really is a terrible thing.  Sometimes it finds you looking through old pictures and seeing yourself a long, long time ago with a boy that you, at the moment they were taken you were certain you would be spending the rest of your life holding onto.  And he thought that too.

But no matter how long you look at this picture, and no matter how happy you both looked in this picture, you know now how that story ends.  The way so many of our stories end.  It ends with a lot of tears, and questions.

Why didn't it last?  Why didn't this love work?  What was wrong with it?  What was wrong with you?  Why couldn't they love you anymore?

And then you realize it just wasn't meant to be.  They weren't supposed to be the center of your universe.

God was.

And the more I look at this, the more I realize this was just one of those beautiful bits of my story.  I bear a lot of scars from the boy in that picture, but I also learned so much about myself because of him.  And as angry as I was for so long at him, it wasn't his fault things didn't work out.  We just were not what the other one needed.  The closer I became to God and the stronger in myself I became, the farther from him I became.

This is good.

Now I know that God is the center of my universe, whatever love I am meant to keep for mine for forever...he will be standing at my side searching for God with me.  We'll be journeying through life together with all the hope and joy and courage we can muster.  Holding each other up and not letting one another fall away.

My deepest wish is that we all find that.  The wonderful, beautiful boy in the picture with me does too.

Hope

Kayla and Mara

Mara all wrapped up in the blanket I made for her. Isn't she beautiful?

Favorite things of this very moment (1:31 am EST):

• Having new books to read about relationships and marriage
• Ice cream with lots and lots and lots of added berries
• Sweet and unexpected letters from friends
• Knowing I will get to see Nikky & Yan on Wednesday!
• The sticker Regina handed me the other day that says "I did it for the cookie!"
• The 2 pictures I was sent of my new "niece" Maranatha Hope (as shown above)

I'm excited about having all these books to read about relationships, and I realized that it's not just because I'm an incurable romantic. It's because I want to be the best wife I can possibly be. Sure I'm going to screw up, and sure I have no idea when in the future the right guy will come along, but I do have hope. I know that eventually it will work itself out and God will bring the right guy into my life, and I know that when He does, I want to make sure that I'm as ready as I can be.

I remember when I was at ABC with Dan, and he knew he wanted to marry Rachel. Anyone that was around Dan for more than 3 minutes knew he was crazy in love with her, but it was more than that...Dan wanted to be the best husband he could be. I watched him work on being frugal, managing a budget, trying to take care of his health, and doing all he could to study and get through school with good grades and the knowledge he would need in order to be a good minister (which he is, by the way). On top of which, I know he read countless relationship books so that he could do his best to understand women, marriage, and most important, his beloved Rachel. I know the other guys thought he was a little crazy for doing this, but Dan knew what he wanted: Rachel. He knew that he was going to have to do all he could to make his marriage work, and he understand that she was something worth fighting for. I really do admire him for all of this.

Just yesterday I finished reading Joshua Harris' book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and while I'm not sure I 100% agree with everything he said about relationships, I do think he had a lot of really great points. I loved his intense focus on the importance of physical and emotional purity. I think most of us overlook emotional purity entirely, but he made the point that if you attach yourself to everyone all the time, there won't be much left of your heart for your spouse when they find you. Physical purity is pretty straightforward, you need to be constantly striving for physical purity. You gotta keep yourself out of temptation's path. Purity is a true gift to give another, and I want to strive to maintain my purity so that I'll have something truly rare and beautiful to give to my husband when we get married.

The other thing that really stuck with me, probably more so than any other single point, was his simple question: what are you doing to prepare for marriage? This got my thinking. Nikky and I have actually had this discussion a number of times: how can I become the best version of myself so that when I get married, I know that I am a whole person joining with another whole person in order to create something new and beautiful? I want to be doing all I can to make find the best of who and what I am so that I can share this with the man I marry. I want to make sure that I am financially independent, that I can stick to a budget, that I am capable of handling all the basic household issues that come up, and that I can truly love him with all that I am. I want to continue working to get rid of and clear out all my old baggage, and take better care of myself physically. I want to be someone that my husband can rely on and also that he can be proud of. I want to be someone that I can be proud of.

Just my thought for tonight.

Where We Gonna Go From Here...

Favorite things of this very moment (11:49 am CST):

• Free Internet access found on any computer in the Sauk Valley Community College library
• Squeaky keys on the keyboard
• The dried up, shriveled apple core sitting next to the computer that I have been staring at off and on since I sat down (what exactly do you do? Do you find something to pick it up with and throw it away? Do you leave it for someone else to find and contemplate? Do you complain to one of the librarians?)
• The Geography of Bliss
• Knowing that I did complete my part of Check point #2 for the IQ project
• Aaron calling me his hero and telling me he really "feels the love, right here" (while pointing at his chest...haha)
• The silence of the library
• Watching the rain out the window and contemplating how quickly I will have to run as I don't have an umbrella...

Life has been thrown off-balance again. It doesn't thrill me completely, but it does pose a challenge. I've decided to rise to the occasion.

My beloved camry died 2 weeks ago today. This caused me to alter my life plans (does this surprise you?). It did enough to truly throw my entire financial plan off-kilter and caused me to make the decision that I would try to go full time at Kable as soon as this school year was over, if not sooner. That way I would be able to get myself out of debt both to my father and to whatever financial institution I would be borrowing money from for the car.

Blow number 2 came about when I got to work that Friday after the car died. I had found out the day before that the car was officially a bust, that there was no reason to try to fix it, and then I go into work (which I love, I truly love this job) and find out they're moving the business. Kable News will start being known at Palm Coast Data and the entire fulfillment side of the business (accounting, customer service, and data entry) will all be moved down to the Palm Coast location in FL because the business has been offered huge tax incentives and will find a readily available workforce (aka. illegal immigrants from the way it's looking, retirees aren't going to want to do these jobs). Yep...there goes the rest of Mt. Morris's economic standing. Somewhere around 425 people will have to find new jobs and/or relocate by the end of 2010 when they are projecting we lose our jobs.

Needless to say, that was much more than I imagined. Life had finally given off the appearance of having some believable course, I would be able to have a stable job if I wanted it. Something I was truly good at and enjoyed. Apparently that was not in the cards.

Now I'm trying to figure out the next step. Obviously God has bigger plans for my life than having me just sit and work at Kable until my hands stop working and my eyes go out.

The search begins again. I have a feeling it will probably result in a move within the next year or so. The concept terrifies me, but something's gotta change. I need to be able to take care of myself and feel like a viable adult.

I've decided to start looking into library science programs. I don't know what all else I will look at, but I want to find a job that I will actually enjoy. If I do library science, I could probably find a library with a great children's section and maybe do work with children's reading programs. Maybe I'll start writing children's books. Wouldn't that be hilarious? Enjoyable though. :)

Alright, I'm out.