Collab 1: Blender Brain

Here I am
scribbling notes again
Chance encounters during errands,
pictures in old cabinets
sometimes the past feels
too close

Do you ever wish
she was me?
Sometimes I wonder
what you could possibly
see in me (like every day)

My beautiful eyes
and that perfect
"Doctor Who" quote
It means the world,
but I still ache to
hear you say
"You're beautiful."

I've seen her picture
She had your heart
(and more)

You love me,
I know it's true,
but I still don't
understand how you do

Am I worth this trouble?
With all my flaws and faults?
With all the ideas and beliefs?
With my brokenness, my mental health and
this busted up body of mine?

Can you see what I can't?
Because I have an ache in my heart
from the smiling stories
of all the old times I missed

My own story feels like
darkness broken by up by stars
until you showed up
and the sun rose running golden
into afternoons that feel
like home and childhood and
front porch talks

But I still find myself
laying here
singing "Hey, Jealousy"
and hating my brain,
when you smile and take my hand
"Forever and ever...no more privacy."
And I have to laugh
We are our own story
and I am beginning to realize
this is the start of something
I get to keep
and it will never end

Some Days There's Just No Good Way of Getting Rid of a Bomb

Somehow, even hundreds of miles from my job and current life, I still find it tugging at me trying to force my hand and make a mistake or a crazy decision.  Sometimes I wonder if my impulsive, broken, lost 19-year-old self is still grieving and somehow at the wheel of my heart.

I guess today I'm just a little frustrated that I still haven't been given the information to do my job to the best of my ability, and I'm a little worried that I'm somehow going to screw up the one thing in my life I'm proud of at this point.  And I was asked again about my going to ABC in the fall.  Yeah, that's my plan, to go back.  To finish this elusive degree.  To finally feel like I've got a bit of myself together.

What a joke.

Last night I started reading a book I'd picked up as a joke for someone else and ended up finishing it at 5 this morning.  It was one of those trash novels, and the bad bit was the fact that the girl was a character that in a really strange way I could relate to.  Not her looks or her money or her situation, but I understood the feeling that everything you touch gets broken and screwed up.  That somehow no matter what you do, it still falls apart.

I hate when my brain decides to do this.

So at this point, I'm running on 5 hours of sleep, a cup of coffee, and the fact that I get to go with my folks and the boys to go to David and Kelsey's for dinner in a few minutes.

Screw my impending sense of dread. Screw my worry that CofC won't stay off the ground because I can't get any of the questions I need answered.  Screw the fact that I don't have the money to pay for school or even stamps for the CofC letter at this point.  Screw those terrible trash novels that somehow make me idiotically introspective at 3:30 in the morning when I'm more vulnerable, lonely, and tired than I need to be.  Screw the fact that I'm still broken and bruised and bleeding internally from watching the guy I love get married nearly 2 years ago and knowing that in less than a month he and his wife will be ushering their beautiful new baby girl into the world while I'm still trying to figure out how to hold my heart together watching the life I'd hoped to create lived out by someone else.  Screw the fact that the guy friend I thought I could believe in keeps drawing back and there will never be a point in trying for a future there.  Screw my lousy self-control, my lack of self-confidence, and my complete lack of hope that a future.  Screw my badly scared body and weird health.

Screw all this mess.

Let me leave you this with.  I finished the first mix I've made myself in ages, and it pretty much sums me up.

What Rattles Here:

1. Life is Hard - Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros
2. Get Lucky - Daft Punk feat. Pharrell Williams
3. Find My Way - The Gabe Dixon Band
4. Not Over You - Gavin DeGraw
5. When a Heart Breaks - Ben Rector
6. Dancing in the Dark - Bruce Springsteen
7. Latch - Disclosure feat. Sam Smith
8. Big Love - Jason Kertson
9. Love Me Again - John Newman
10. Half of my Heart - John Mayer feat. Taylor Swift
11. Needing Getting - OK Go
12. Rocky Mountain High - John Denver
13. This Too Shall Pass - OK Go
14. Another Kind of Green - John Mayer Trio
15. Don't I Hold You - Wheat
16. Let's Get Lost - Beck & Bats for Lashes
17. Chasing Pavements - Adele
18. Stealing - Gavin DeGraw
19. Chill in the Air - Amos Lee feat. Alison Krauss

(79) Don't Forget About Me

When I'm not around
to drive you home at night
will you forget me?

Sometimes I wonder if
I'll always be
the place holder for eternity

Please don't try to convince me
that's not true
you're not stepping up

If you were in my shoes
you'd be scared of
happiness too

because who is to say
when the other shoe
will drop

I was so close
so close to feeling hope
but you've already shut me out

So I'll drive you home one last tim,e
before I shut off my phone
& quit

Accept it
you're alone
that's it.

(38) Those Who Risk

Everyone seems to think

that I'm an adult

but I'm beginning to

suspect it's a lie

You believe in me

all you want, but

I make no guarantees

My plans tend to fail

possibly from lack of planning

but certainly

with lack of faith

It's just easier

sometimes

to not strive for things

or dreams

because the crashing down

of disappointment feels

somewhat beyond inevitable

Those who risk

win

that's clearly not my motto,

but it should be

No regrets, right?

Maybe I need to watch

Meet Joe Black with tea

& cry

& remember who I use to be

Then let the past collide

with the present

singing The Longest Time

& become the best bits

of me

The ghost should say good night

It's time 

(13) On Days Wishing I was Vulcan (Or at Least 1/2 Like Spock)

Sometimes I wish I were Vulcan

to be able to hold so much in check

to use logic,

not feelings,

to figure out

the next step

Instead I'm full-fledge human

wearing my heart upon my sleeve

tired of crying when I'm angry

tired of wanting what's outside my reach

I am trying to hold

the years together

despite my flawed attempts,

mistakes played on repeat

a Vulcan sensibility 

would save so much biting tongue & cheek