Some Days There's Just No Good Way of Getting Rid of a Bomb

Somehow, even hundreds of miles from my job and current life, I still find it tugging at me trying to force my hand and make a mistake or a crazy decision.  Sometimes I wonder if my impulsive, broken, lost 19-year-old self is still grieving and somehow at the wheel of my heart.

I guess today I'm just a little frustrated that I still haven't been given the information to do my job to the best of my ability, and I'm a little worried that I'm somehow going to screw up the one thing in my life I'm proud of at this point.  And I was asked again about my going to ABC in the fall.  Yeah, that's my plan, to go back.  To finish this elusive degree.  To finally feel like I've got a bit of myself together.

What a joke.

Last night I started reading a book I'd picked up as a joke for someone else and ended up finishing it at 5 this morning.  It was one of those trash novels, and the bad bit was the fact that the girl was a character that in a really strange way I could relate to.  Not her looks or her money or her situation, but I understood the feeling that everything you touch gets broken and screwed up.  That somehow no matter what you do, it still falls apart.

I hate when my brain decides to do this.

So at this point, I'm running on 5 hours of sleep, a cup of coffee, and the fact that I get to go with my folks and the boys to go to David and Kelsey's for dinner in a few minutes.

Screw my impending sense of dread. Screw my worry that CofC won't stay off the ground because I can't get any of the questions I need answered.  Screw the fact that I don't have the money to pay for school or even stamps for the CofC letter at this point.  Screw those terrible trash novels that somehow make me idiotically introspective at 3:30 in the morning when I'm more vulnerable, lonely, and tired than I need to be.  Screw the fact that I'm still broken and bruised and bleeding internally from watching the guy I love get married nearly 2 years ago and knowing that in less than a month he and his wife will be ushering their beautiful new baby girl into the world while I'm still trying to figure out how to hold my heart together watching the life I'd hoped to create lived out by someone else.  Screw the fact that the guy friend I thought I could believe in keeps drawing back and there will never be a point in trying for a future there.  Screw my lousy self-control, my lack of self-confidence, and my complete lack of hope that a future.  Screw my badly scared body and weird health.

Screw all this mess.

Let me leave you this with.  I finished the first mix I've made myself in ages, and it pretty much sums me up.

What Rattles Here:

1. Life is Hard - Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros
2. Get Lucky - Daft Punk feat. Pharrell Williams
3. Find My Way - The Gabe Dixon Band
4. Not Over You - Gavin DeGraw
5. When a Heart Breaks - Ben Rector
6. Dancing in the Dark - Bruce Springsteen
7. Latch - Disclosure feat. Sam Smith
8. Big Love - Jason Kertson
9. Love Me Again - John Newman
10. Half of my Heart - John Mayer feat. Taylor Swift
11. Needing Getting - OK Go
12. Rocky Mountain High - John Denver
13. This Too Shall Pass - OK Go
14. Another Kind of Green - John Mayer Trio
15. Don't I Hold You - Wheat
16. Let's Get Lost - Beck & Bats for Lashes
17. Chasing Pavements - Adele
18. Stealing - Gavin DeGraw
19. Chill in the Air - Amos Lee feat. Alison Krauss

I Can Haz Wizard?

Picture by Jon H. Cheatwood
at the Jacob & Amber Ballard wedding reception
on June 9, 2012

So much is happening in my life these days.  This statement seems ironic considering I was told today that I have to stay out of work for roughly one more week so that my back will heal properly, but even with that holding me up from working and running around like normal, life is busy.

A week ago today I was trying to make sure a group of boys was recovering from a party, locating a dress for a rehearsal for an incredible wedding (and succeeding for the first time ever to locate a dress I loved this much so quickly), falling a little bit in love with someone while cheerfully realizing all my feelings for someone else had genuinely been erased by his stupidity and poor decision making skills, indulging my femininity, trying to make sure everything that needed to be down was done, trying to figure out what I needed to say in my toast, doing laundry, and thanking God for Jordan Durham every chance I got.  It was a crazy day, but I loved it.

Every minute of that week made me feel alive and necessary.  I was being asked to run errands, for my opinion, to help with things, to organize, to fix situations, to visit people, and I was highly in demand and desired.  I want every day for that to be the case.  Sure that life is a little crazy, but in Ohio I knew I had purpose.

For the past few months, well, for the past year or so really, I have been trying to figure out what I should be working towards in my life with little real break in the case.  When I was traveling in April, it was suggested by a variety of people that I move to South Carolina, Ohio, and back to Atlanta.  I have been thinking about that ever since.  At this point, I think I have figured out where I will be heading next, and I am beginning the process of making it happen.

My goal is to be moving in September.  I have no idea how to make that happen quite yet, but I do know that I will be attempting to save money this summer and looking for work in my new location.  I will also need to start truly downsizing.  I do not need to move so much junk.  I don't need to own so much junk.  Hopefully I will be able to donate many things to people who will love them more than I will, and it will be glorious.

Be praying on all fronts I guess.  I am thrilled to be rid of one ridiculous and destructive relationship, and I am hoping to eventually jump into a relationship with a real man.  This year, my twenty-sixth year, is already causing all kinds of havoc and change, and as messy as it already is and as scary as a move will be, it is time.  I am going to step out in faith and see where God lets me land.

One last thing, I have just this afternoon finished a new mix for my amazing, hilarious Jordan (mail is heading your way soon, my friend).  I hope he enjoys it, and I hope you will too.

I Can Haz Wizard?:
1. Daylight - Matt & Kim
2. Anna Molly - Incubus
3. Live My Life - Far East Movement feat. Justin Beiber
4. She Can Get It - Kevin Rudolf
5. And I - Box Car Racer
6. She Talks to Angels - The Black Crows
7. Down - Blink-182
8. We Use to Wait - Arcade Fire
9. Near Enough - Metasomatic
10. Good Arms vs. Bad Arms - Frightened Rabbit
11. Bitter - Teddy Geiger
12. Kiss on Me - Tyler Hilton
13. Edge of Desire - John Mayer
14. 2:00 Your Time - Ace Troubleshooter
15. I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz
16. Heart of Me - Green River Ordinance
17. Secrets - OneRepublic
18. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
19. Tomorrow Will Be Kinder - The Secret Sisters
20. Wish You Were Here - Incubus

Last Call

Doesn't Mean I'm Lonely
1. Rose's Turn (Glee Cast Version) - Glee Cast
2. Rolling in the Deep - Adele
3. Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson
4. Calling All Skeletons - Alkaline Trio
5. Am I Reaching You Now - Train
6. Oil and Water - Incubus
7. Somebody That I Used to Know - Gotye feat. Kimbra
8. Lose Your Soul - Blue Skies
9. In the Middle of a Mess - Jason Bruce
10. Everybody Knows - John Legend
11. Not Over You - Gavin DeGraw
12. Expo '86 - Death Cab for Cutie
13. Summer is Over - Jon McLaughlin feat. Sara Bareillis
14. Find My Way - The Gabe Dixon Band
15. Say Anything - Good Charlotte
16. Friends, Lovers Or Nothing - John Mayer
17. Good Arms vs. Bad Arms - Frightened Rabbit
18. Nothing to Remember - Neko Case
19. If You Will - Dave McGraw & Mandy Fer

Porcupine

Dear Sunshine,

Today you are 23 years old.  Happy birthday.

Do you remember your birthday last year?  It was ABC-I, and you were at the college for that.  I had spent the whole week working on what I would do for you.  The night before, I was up ridiculously late watching movies on NetFlix while trying to perfect the mix I was making for your birthday.  The girls thought this was kinda hilarious.  I was sitting at that glass coffee table we had with the corinthian columns with my laptop starring alternately between the screen and the TV half paying attention to A Fish Called Wanda and pretending it was distracting me from my focus and worry over you.  I had already made a blueberry pie for you earlier in the evening and had actually figured out how to write your name across it in pie dough which I alternately thought was too much/too obvious and super sweet because, hello!, I could write your name on the top of that pie in piecrust.  Besides, it wasn't like I'd coated it in hearts or anything.  I had also gotten you a bottle of the world's best sparkling blueberry juice and a blueberry smoothie thing (which I love) because you love blueberry as much as I do.  The mix was my big thing though.

I still don't think you really got the mix.  You probably never fully comprehended any of them.  Most people don't, so don't feel bad.  Just try to understand that these mixes have always been/will always be a reflection of the deepest bits of my heart.  I tried to make it encouraging and prompting.  I wanted you to know that you had someone's heart inside your hand and that this same person, this same heart, believed deeply in your goodness and had a great deal of hope for the future.  It was a love letter. 

Your birthday was pretty ridiculous day.  Not at all bad, but not at all how either of us planned I think.  I gave you a bag with your gifts as soon as I saw you that morning in front of everyone.  You seemed genuinely surpised.  (I don't think you ever have or ever will know what you really meant to me or the lengths to which I would go to show it.)  You spent half your day with your ex-girlfriend who was having serious problems dealing with her father's illness, and I spent most of the day trying to help with ABC-I and spending as much time with the kids as possible.

One of the things I remember most from that day was you pulling me aside that evening and apologizing to me.  Remember how we weren't dating?  (Never, ever did...)  I remember you pulling me aside from our friends and apologizing to me for how little time we'd been together.  You said you wanted to be with me, but you felt like you had needed to help your ex, and I couldn't argue.  Her issue was far bigger than I could understand, but you could...you had been there.  You wanted me to be happy and to know I was important to you.

I still wish I had kissed you.  Right there.  Right then.  In front of everyone.  Things might have been different.

Then again, maybe not.

All I know is that everything can change in a year.  It was less than 2 weeks later that you completely crushed my heart.  You started dating someone no one could have expected, and I still have trouble grasping that change.   

Somewhere in those two weeks apart, I lost you.  Maybe I never had you; I don't know.  I just know that it wasn't long before my best friend disappeared. 

This past year has been crazy for both of us, and I know we aren't the people we were.  I miss them, but I guess everything has to change.  I hope the changes you have made, chosen, and are heading toward make you a happier person, a better man, and draw you closer to God.  That's what really matters, what really counts.

I still miss you.  Every day. 

Happy, happy birthday, Sunshine.  I hope today finds you cheerful, full of laughter, and knowing you are so very loved.

Love,
J

ps.  Here's a new birthday mix for you:

He Lingers

1. Warning Sign - Coldplay
2. Rolling in the Deep - Adele
3. Grenade - Bruno Mars
4. Heart of Me - Green River Ordinance
5. Same Changes - Weepies
6. Split Screen Sadness - John Mayer
7. I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz
8. Rumor Has It/Someone Like You - Glee Cast
9. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
10. Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright
11. Getaway - Train
12. Friends, Lovers, Or Nothing - John Mayer
13. Summer Skin - Death Cab for Cutie
14. How He Loves - David Crowder Band
15. Someone that You Use to Know - Gotye
16. Edge of Desire - John Mayer
17. Sparks - Coldplay
18. Mississippi - Train
19. Call Me On Your Way Back Home - Ryan Adams

Small Sparkles

Favorite things of this moment (3:53 pm CST), a long overdue list:

• Coffee with Bailey's Irish Cream Creamer in it
• ZOEgirl singing "What Child Is This?" 
• The cheerfully insane joy having bought myself a copy of the "Breaking Dawn" soundtrack this morning brings me (the soundtracks have been consistently awesome even if the movies are completely silly, and this one is no exception)
• Apple cider candles...*happy sigh*
• Two sleepy cats and one incredibly inquisitive kitten
• Susan Boyle's beautiful voice
• The way our living room lights up to a brilliant gold color late in the afternoon and makes everything feel like it will work out no matter what I may have been feeling before.  The beauty of that color takes my breath away
• Real Simple...I picked up the December 2011 issue at the library today and I've already read it.  Such a great magazine

Today I worked for an hour.  The only reason I feel even slightly bad about that is because I probably could have skipped today and they wouldn't have to worry about paying me at all.  I went in and took care of everything they had for me.  As it is Veteran's Day, nothing new came in, so I didn't have anything else to do.  So I left and drove down to Dixon.

The reason I choose that moment to drive to Dixon?  I wanted the Breaking Dawn soundtrack.  I have bought the others as soon as they came out, and I came close to making the drive down to Dixon in the dark immediately after work on Tuesday night.  Talked myself out of that bit of silliness.  Especially since I was recovering from being sick and Morgan wanted to go to dinner.  Instead I chose to drive down today since I was without plans.  

Went down, bought the soundtrack, some sparkling juice, and a pair of candy bars (one for me, one for me to drop off for Mom at work).  Got myself home and listened to the whole cd while writing some letters, and I am thoroughly glad I bought it.  I realize I am a nerd, but sometimes you gotta take those silly joys where you can find them.  Mine are often found in finding just the right music.  I mean, look at how many mixes I have used to tell stories over the years.  Good music and good mixes...they just make the world a little better.

The rest of the day has been spent trying to do some little things to bring others joy: doing the dishes, making Forrest some lunch, taking my mom chocolate, scratching kitty ears, writing letters, working on a Christmas mix...

Sometimes it really is those little things that make life wonderful.

Again, be the good.  Little or big.  

Love,

J

A Fool's View from the Fire Escape:

1. Lost Love - Mindy Smith
2. Fire Escape - Matthew Mayfield
3. Kill - Jimmy Eat World
4. What I Know - Parachute
5. I Caught Myself - Paramore
6. You Keep Me Hanging On - The Supremes
7. Make Me Wanna Die - The Pretty Reckless
8. Missing You - Tyler Hilton
9. The Kill - 30 Seconds to Mars
10. Leave the Pieces - The Wreckers
11. Hopeless - Train
12. Your Time is Gonna Come - Led Zeppelin
13. Friends Don't Let Friends Dial Drunk - Plain White T's
14. How's It Gonna Be - Third Eye Blind
15. Your New Twin Sized Bed - Death Cab for Cutie
16. So Close - Jon McLaughlin
17. Moonlight Kiss - Bap Kennedy
18. Coffee & Cigarettes - Michelle Featherstone
19. (If You Want It) - Relient K
20. I'm Gonna Find Another You - John Mayer

It's been a long hot summer and I'm still trying to leave you alone.  I heard the cold wind say I was a fool to stay, but I did.  I did. I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away. I can't help it, baby, this is who I am.  I can't just turn off how I feel.  And I'm not certain of the way it was.  And I'm not sure what I could have done... I had to stop myself from saying something that I should have never thought.  You're not the one I believe in.  I don't know what I want.  You don't want me all yourself, so let me find someone else.  You don't really love me.  You just keep me hanging on.  And I'll never be good enough.  Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath.  I'm still standing here and you're miles away.  And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart.  It's my heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight.  You said you wanted more, what are you waiting for?  I'm not running from you.  Look in my eyes, you're killing me, killing me.  All I wanted was you.  You're not sure that you love me but you're not sure enough to let me go.  Baby, it ain't fair to just keep me hanging 'round.  It's alright, ya, I'll be fine.  Just take your love and hit the road.  There's nothing you can do or say, you're gonna break my heart anyway...  Everything has changed around here.  I'd tell it to your face, but you lost your face along the way.  And I'd say it on the phone if I thought you were alone.  Why do things have to change?  One of these days, and it won't be long, you'll look for me and I'll be gone.  Do what you want.  I can't feel you anymore.  You can say all these beautiful things, but they mean nothing.  You gotta back it up.  I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore.  How's it gonna be when you see that I'm not there?  It's the silence I can't ignore.  I use to think that someone would come along and lay beside me in the space that they belong, but the other side of the mattress...the box springs they stayed like new.  What's the point of holding onto what never gets used?  All that I wanted was to hold you so close, and I almost believe that this one's not pretend.  We are so close, so close and still so far.  I can feel my heart.  It's fit to burst.  I tried to clean it up.  But it just gets worse.  I wish I could fall, on a night like this, into your loving arms for a moonlight kiss.  I hate to say it hasn't helped me yet.  I thought my problems would just disappear and all my pain would be in yesterday.  I watched my bad habits get flushed away.  I thought that would keep my head on straight and all my pain would be in yesterday.  But it's true, I'm still blue.  But I finally know what to do.  I must quit.  I must quit you.  I can't keep a straight face and say this is not the end.  Cuz this is the end if you want it.  You're not the first thing in my life I've loved and lost.  There are worse things that I might be less inclined to just shrug off.  I am convincing myself that I'm worthwhile because I know that I'm worth what I convince myself to be.  I took the fire escape and made it out.  I still burn from time to time, but I am healing.  It's really over.  You made your stand.  You got me crying.  But when my loneliness is through I'm gonna find another you.  You might have your reasons, but you will never have my rhyme.  I'm going to sing my way away from you.  I'm gonna find another you.  I hope he's nicer too.  So go on baby, make your little get away.  Now I'm going to dress myself for two.  Once for me and once for someone new.  I'm going to do some things you wouldn't let me do.  And I'm gonna find another you.

Here's to hope.

To Bury All This S P A C E That Keeps Two Hearts Apart

1. Like a Star - Corinne Bailey Rae


2. Run - Snow Patrol


3. Hey Jealousy - The Gin Blossoms


4. Hold Us Together - Matt Maher


5. Whole Wide World - Wreckless Eric


6. Washed by the Water - Needtobreathe


7. You Always Make Make Me Smile - Kyle Andrews


8. Please Read the Letter - Robert Plant & Alison Krauss


9. Come on Get Higher - Matt Nathanson


10. Best for Last - Adele


11. Yet - Switchfoot


12. Wait and See - Brandon Heath


13. There Is - Box Car Racer


14. Blue Eyes - Cary Brothers


15. Sweet Medicine - Jason Castro


16. You'll Ask for Me - Tyler Hilton


17. I Miss You - Incubus


18. Tonight and Forever - The Damnwells


19. Heart's a Mess - Gotye

"With every single letter, in every single word/There will be a hidden message..."

The Amazing Amy Cunningham

(The lovely Amy Cunningham attempting to eat one of the cream puffs from China Buffet even though Morgan had just made some pretty sketchy comments about their taste and condition. Forever the courageous one.)

The Traveling IL Summer Mix (Summer 2011):

1. Blessings - Laura Story


2. Wait and See - Brandon Heath


3. Hands - The Almost


4. Sing, Sing, Sing - Chris Tomlin


5. This is Love - Aaron Winner


6. Praise You in this Storm - Casting Crowns


7. Alive Again - Matt Maher


8. Washed by the Water - Needtobreathe


9. Our Love is Loud - David Crowder Band


10. Hello Hurricane - Switchfoot


11. Hold Us Together - Matt Maher


12. Love is Here - Tenth Avenue North


13. Wait for the Morning - Aaron Winner


14. God of this City - Chris Tomlin


15. How Great - David Crowder Band


16. YHWH Saves - Aaron Winner


17. How He Loves - David Crowder Band


18. Love Never Fails - Brandon Heath

This was the mix I made for Amy. I feel it was the soundtrack for our summer.

Tonight I went with Amy and my brother Joel to dinner at Taco Bell, a classy dinner to be sure, and it was a great pointless casual dinner. I enjoyed it a great deal and I think they both did as well. The thing about it though is that it was my last evening with Amy before she left. Sad days.

Amy and I really didn't know each other before this summer. We knew about each other and had met, but we weren't really friends. That all changed the night she decided to get in my car to go to Jay's and it would lead to a really hilarious road trip up to MN Camp and a lot of swapped stories about lives and loves and families and favorites.

You ever meet someone who you just feel at ease with? Someone who brings out the best in you? Amy is like that for me. She's one of those great people who sees the good in you and makes you better for it.

I'm glad I came home this summer. I think getting to know Amy was definitely one of the reasons God brought me home, and I am grateful for that.

Life is good. God is good. Thank goodness for hilarious summers and great friends like the amazing Amy Cunningham.

To DREARHAM: For August & All Else

1. What I know - Parachute

2. Back to You - John Mayer

3. We Got Tonight (Say It Again) - Sleeperstar

4. You'll Think of Me - Keith Urban

5. Talking to the Moon - Bruno Mars

6. When I Decide - My Terrible Friend

7. Motorcycle Drive By - Third Eye Blind

8. Lead Me - Sanctus Real

9. Spotlight (Twilight Mix) - Mutemath

10. Your Love is a Song - Switchfoot

11. Saints & Sailors - Dashboard Confessional

12. With My Own Two Hands - Jack Johnson feat. Ben Harper

13. Moving On - Timmy Curran

14. Tonight and Forever - The Damnwells

15. Slide - Tyler Hilton

16. Love is Here - Tenth Avenue North

17. All I Got - Newton Faulkner

18. Put Your Records On - Corinne Bailey Rae

19. I'll Be OK - Sondre Lerche

20. Morning Has Broken - Cat Stevens

Swans vs. Weasels

(Pictures of some of the beautiful cookies I made for Valentine's Day this year)

I realized a few moments ago that I never shared with my gentle (or not-so-gentle) readers my Valentine's Day & Anti-Valentine's Day play lists for the year. For quite a few years now I have been trying to make these mixes every year for Nikky, and they've become a tradition that I truly enjoy. It allows me to look over the songs I love and find new things to adore. It also allows me to express my personal feelings on love in both good and bad directions. These mixes tend to make me happy. So, for your enjoyment, here are the play lists:

Broken Hearts & Rabid Weasels, Anti-Valentine's Mix 2011:

1. Wrong Number Message to Terrence's Phone - Christie
2. Soundtrack - The Damnwells
3. Overkill - Colin Hay
4. Over Thinking [Acoustic] - Relient K
5. Possibility - Lykke Li
6. Kiss with a Fist - Florence & the Machine
7. Always be my Baby - Mariah Carey
8. Cath... - Death Cab for Cutie
9. Love Drunk - Boys Like Girls
10. Grenade - Bruno Mars
11. Gone - Nsync
12. I Miss You - Blink-182
13. Keep Your Hands Off Her - The Black Keys
14. Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland
15. Toxic - Britney Spears
16. Make Me Wanna Die - The Pretty Reckless
17. How's It Gonna Be - Third Eye Blind
18. Jude Law and a Semester Abroad - Brand New
19. Dancing in the Dark - Bruce Springsteen
20. Whatya Want from Me - Adam Lambert
21. I Need You - Relient K

Swans at Sunset, Valentine's Day Mix 2011:

1. If You Believe Me - Relient K
2. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
3. Good For You - Third Eye Blind
4. Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe - Barry White
5. Just the Way You Are - Bruno Mars
6. If It's Love - Train
7. Too Busy Thinking About my Baby - Marvin Gaye
8. Hate that I Love You - Rihanna
9. Father Figure - George Michael
10. In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel
11. Savannah - Relient K
12. How He Loves - David Crowder Band
13. Lucky - Jason Mraz feat. Colbie Caillat
14. The Only Exception - Paramore
15. Two is Better than One - Boys Like Girls feat. Taylor Swift
16. Love Never Fails - Brandon Heath
17. I Believe in You [Acoustic Version] - Tyler Hilton
18. Call me When You Get This - Corinne Bailey Rae
19. Storybook Love - Willy DeVille

I realize the Anti-Valentine's Mix probably has some rather unexpected stuff on it. I typically avoid Britney Spears and Mariah Carey for instance, but hey, sometimes those songs work just fine. Feel free to enjoy them.

And Nikky, your copies are in your box. You'll get them soon enough!

Blue Skies & Words to Say

("Mutual" from xkcd.com)

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (4:01 pm EST):

• Unsweetened ice tea from Moe's
• Amber's handy-dandy iPod
• Knowing someone who cuts hair
• Having so many excellent weekend plans
• Being almost completely done with my homework for the week
• Zicam
• Sounding like a hysterical Muppet or Disney movie villain when I laugh
• Head phones

My voice is currently crazy, and Amber just a few minutes ago got to deal with my hysterical giggling for a good 10 straight minutes. I was just trying to comprehend some of the things that my life has recently run into, and it just wasn't working out. This is not a bad thing, not at all.

Life recently took some turns that were totally and undeniably unexpected. Wonderful, but completely unexpected. I'm still trying to reconcile myself to the realization that life can change so dramatically in such a short period of time.

I keep asking if life is really supposed to be like this. Are people supposed to walk into your life and throw you this far off balance? I'm not sure if this is rational or normal, but I guess I'm fairly okay with it all. Sure it makes me nervous because some day soon I will fall off this crazy balance beam I'm walking on, and the real question will be whether or not there's anything there to catch me. I sincerely hope so.

And so I leave you with a mix.

Love, Me

Blue Skies & Words to Say:

1. For Blue Skies - Strays Don't Sleep
2. Dear God (Sincerely M.O.F.) - Monsters of Folk
3. Wordless Chorus - My Morning Jacket
4. Borderline/Open Your Heart - Glee Cast
5. Going to California - Led Zeppelin
6. My Winding Wheel - Ryan Adams
7. Dream On - Matthew Morrison & Neil Patrick Harris
8. Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime - Beck
9. Don't Move - Butch Walker
10. Hideaway - Karen O and the Kids
11. Twenty-Seven Strangers - Villagers
12. Million Faces - Paolo Nutini
13. Heavy In Your Arms - Florence & The Machine
14. I Believe In You [Acoustic Version] - Tyler Hilton
15. Alone - Heart
16. Holy Roller Novocaine - My Terrible Friend
17. Lie In The Sound - Trespassers William
18. Hard to Love You - The Wreckers

Don't Let It Fool You

Favorite things of this very moment (2:59 pm CST):

• That I have a job today and tomorrow at Basket Beginnings in Conover (you should probably come check it out)
• My "When Your Heart Aches" mix playing on the store's cd player (more on this later)
• The Olympians Series by Rick Riordan (read it, have your kids read it, your friends read it, your kids friends read it, and anyone else you know...they should probably read it too)
• That I should be getting the 4th book in the Olympians Series tomorrow (The Battle of the Labyrinth)!! Sweetness!
• Having plans to hang out with Jay & Ben with a box of juicebags (I'll be picking them up on my way home from work) on the front porch tonight (oh yes, this means Front Porch Talk season could be officially open for business!)
• Andy accepting my Facebook Friends Request (yes, you heard me, it's my favorite)
• My summer jewelry being something I feel the urge to wear again
• No socks!

My posts probably have made you aware, but I'm feeling a little crazy this week.

Have you ever had an event that basically throws you off-kilter? It makes everything seem discombobulated (hey, I spelled that right! Party! Bonus!) and different. Like you're looking at the world from a different perspective or having new bearings?

That's how I feel, and I don't know if that's a good thing yet or not.

I'm currently trying to work out how crazy I am, and also what on earth I'm really dealing with. Sometimes it's hard for me to truly place what's going on in my head and heart. I'm sure most people have this happen from time to time, and that pretty much sums me up. I keep looking at my heart and wondering...

Is this different?

Or maybe it's just in my head. Whatever it is, I'm acting crazy, and I'd like to get a good grip on my heart and head and make them agree...at least for a little while.

Anyway, as promised, and on a less dramatic note, more on the "When Your Heart Aches" mix: I guess all I really want to say is that this is my current favorite mix. I put it together this week, and it's virtually all I've listened to. I pulled the songs from various old mixes, a few new mixes, and just old beloved stuff. I needed something that would make me smile and feel a little happier in my own way. So without further ado, the mix...

When Your Heart Aches:

1. This Time Around - Hanson
2. Anchor - Brandon Clark & The American Standard (check them out on facebook, my friend, Brandon and his band are AMAZING)
3. Heartbreak Warfare - John Mayer
4. Breezy - Conor Oberst (Thank you, Nikky)
5. Don't Move - Butch Walker
6. Oil & Water - Incubus (Brandon Boyd has a beautiful voice)
7. Sitting, Waiting, Wishing - Jack Johnson (ah yes, the old theme song)
8. I'll Be the Wind - Garth Brooks
9. Moshi Moshi (acoustic) - Brand New
10. Lips Like Morphine - Kill Hannah
11. On Your Porch - The Format
12. Girl I Wanna Lay You Down - Jack Johnson (might not be the real title)
13. Wreck Me - Butch Walker (I put this song on repeat often)
14. Absolutely Still - Better Than Ezra
15. Disenchanted - My Chemical Romance
16. Restless - Brandon Clark & The American Standard
17. Say - John Mayer
18. Straight Up - Halifax

What the Strainer Caught

Favorite Things of this Very Moment (10:49 am CST):

• "What the Strainer Caught" mix
• Christmas lights
• Powdered sugar snow that's coating everything outside
• Clean water
• Knowing people I love will be receiving special holiday surprises/greetings in the mail
• Having my major errand of the morning completed
• Writing real responses to emails
• Having a new book of stamps sitting on the footstool just waiting for letters to be sent
• The sounds of the heater mixed with Cake singing "I Will Survive"
• That only my pinkies seem to get cold (Why is that?)
• Chubby little squirrels who seem to be living for each and every moment while jumping through all the trees of the neighbor hood finding berries and whatnot to munch this fine December morning
• Adjectives

My brain is a seething mass of thoughts and emotions completely incapable of slowing or holding still. I have felt, often lately, that I just can't contain them all. There's always something trying to escape. Maybe I just haven't done such a great job of expressing them lately. It just seems too much.

It becomes increasingly weird when you get to a point where you realize that your emotions or something deeper in you is making it impossible to think of anything but reaching over and grabbing someone's hand. When it takes all your will to hold your hands together...doesn't that seem a little bizarre. Especially when you are fine without this individual whenever you're away from them...

Sometimes I wonder if my brain really is wired differently from the average woman. Worries me a little bit at times, but I guess God made me this way for a reason, even if I don't understand it and it makes me wonder if I'm crazy.

Ha.

Luckily, this is the season of love, giving, charity, joy, magic: Christmas. The joy of Christ's birth and the overflow of generosity spills into every day. So much magic really does radiate through the Christmas season. I love the change that it brings over people. Even the hardest of hearts. It's hard to be a grouch during this lovely season of the year. Even a cynic melts into the romantic they truly are at heart in the month of December...Magic.

May this December bring you all the joy and magic the season can hold. May it overwhelm you in the very best sense of the word, and may it spill into the rest of the coming year.

And I'll leave you with this, What the Strainer Caught playlist (to express the overflow in my head):

• Mixed Tape - Jack's Mannequin
• Love Don't Live Here Anymore - Lady Antebellum
• (You're the) Devil in Disguise - Elvis Presley
• Friends - Band of Skulls
• Hokis - Eve 6
• Daria - Cake
• Every Day is Exactly the Same - Nine Inch Nails
• Papercut - Gym Class Heroes
• Kiss Kiss - Chris Brown & T. Pain
• Getaway - Train
• Burning Man - Third Eye Blind
• Islands in the Stream - Bee Gees (not a joke, Nik...haha..."What's that Pete?")
• Wrong Turn - Jack Johnson
• Breaking It Up - Lykke Li
• Hey Mr. DJ (Keep Playin' This Song) - Backstreet Boys (don't you judge me...ha)
• Oil and Water - Incubus (*sigh* Brandon Boyd *sigh*)
• Back to You - John Mayer
• If You Want My Love (Alternate Version) - Cheap Trick
• I Will Survive - Cake (my favorite version of this song...ever)
• Message in a Bottle - John Mayer (*smiles*)

Lazy Sunday

Favorite things of this very moment (4:14 pm CST):

• Watching the sunshine slowly change colors as the sun sinks slowly in the west
• Funfetti cookies
• The pink goose glass filled with water
• Coors Light commercials (yes, they're cheesy and ridiculous, but they make me smile)

I'm currently listening to the sound of football on the TV, my own typing, and the sounds of my parents sleeping on the couches. Sunday is a wonderful thing. The lazy Sunday aspect is something that usually gets messed with around here, but today we actually all just got some time to sit around and do a lot of nothing. Just as well too because energy is seeping away like the sunshine, and soon all I'll want to do is sit around and watch a movie. I might even watch "17 Again" for the 2nd time in the past 24 hours because it really cracked me up last night. We'll see how that works.

I allow myself to forget, all too often, that sometimes you really do need to just sit in the sunshine and soak it in. Life goes by quickly, but not so quickly that I shouldn't find time to slow myself down. Life's no good if we rush it, and I'm very good at trying to rush things.

With any luck I'll find ways to lazily enjoy the rest of my afternoon. I hope you have the same good luck. Enjoy a little time of lazy nothing.

ps. I made the following mix for my friend Jay a year or 2 back, and I think this is the appropriate time to share:

Lazy Sunday's New Theme Songs:

• Faith - George Michael
• Am I Missing? - Dashboard Confessional
• Mushaboom - Feist
• Recluse - Cursive
• Getaway - Train
• Bring the Night On - Eve 6
• She's so Heavy - The Beatles
• Beautiful - Marvelous 3 (either that or Butch Walker...I'm blanking today)
• Hurricanes - Five Iron Frenzy
• Heard 'Em Say - Kanye West feat. Adam Levine
• All Fall Down - OneRepublic
• Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5
• Maybe It's Just Me - Butch Walker
• io (This Time Around) - Hellen Stellar
• Lullaby - Matt Costa
• Rollin' Home - Tyler Hilton
• Where to Begin - My Morning Jacket
• Supposed to Be - Jack Johnson

Yellow Light

I just don't want to fall into an old pattern.

I am a large and glorious glass of sun tea and ice while you sit on the porch at sunset. I am Pablo Neruda's poetry filled with passion, blood, and light. I am a room lit with candles and the amber glow of lamps not florescent. I am your favorite jeans that always make you look good and feel so comfortable.

But am I seen like that?

Let it cool or let it burn. It makes no difference to me anymore.

Am I strong enough?

Where do people find the strength to change their lives? Where do I find mine?

ps. Yellow Light mix:
1. Change Your Mind - The Killers
2. Arch Drive Goodbye - Eve6
3. Bad News - Kanye West
4. Walk on By - Seal (this is the acoustic version of the song)
5. Messenger Bird Song - Bright Eyes
6. Sweetly Broken - Jeremy Riddle (Thank you, Nathan)
7. Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & White
8. Uncomfortably Slow - Newton Faulkner (I'm really falling in love with this man's beautiful songs)
9. Apologize - OneRepublic
10. Free Fallin' - John Mayer (he's wonderful, and does a great job with this cover)
11. I'll Be OK - Sondre Lerche
12. Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime - Beck (Amber's favorite)
13. Better that We Break - Maroon 5
14. Somebody to Love - Queen (seriously.)
15. Here Comes the... - Butch Walker feat. Pink
16. If I am a Stranger - Ryan Adams & the Cardinals (this song amazes me)
17. I Need Words - David Crowder
18. Bella's Lullaby - Carter Burwell (because you need to end with hope. always.)

Something

Favorite things of this very moment (1:38 pm CST):

• TheArtSociety (http://www.youtube.com/user/TheArtSociety)
• Mixes from Nikky
• Fraiser Season 3
• Having a cd player in my car (fantastic)
• Leaving messages of encouragement ("I hope you successfully take over the world!") on people's voicemail
• Books
• My digital camera

"You and I've got something then it's all and then it's nothing to me..."

Again, I say unto you, life is a beautiful thing.

As Nikky Once Said, "Life Moves."

Favorite things of this very moment (2:23 pm CST):

• Hope that things might just be working out
• Having the obvious pointed out to me when I'm way too blind to see it
• That the tall one is not only reading Twilight but also enjoying it and (as the man of any girl's dreams would do) taking notes...oh yeah...
• Smiling more than I ever dreamed possible
• Sun tea in a gleaming teal & silver thermos
• Rechargeable batteries
• Knowing that when I check my email...he'll have emailed me back
• New questions to answer
• Good dreams (he's been in all of them this week...every last one)
• "Hercules" (Sometimes Disney really does make wonderful movies)
• Finding inspiration to write after two years of aching emptiness and complete and total writer's block
• Being told he's still working on another mix for me (Sweetest Mix Ever 3!)
• Sidewalk chalk
• My beautiful digital camera
• Blueberry scented bubbles
• Knowing I've almost perfect this next mix and the story behind it should be as beautiful and transparent as is possible...
• That he's coming on Friday...*sigh*

*shrugs* Right now the smile on my face is the size of Texas. I decided to check my email again before I started getting things ready to go to work, even though I didn't think it would do me any good, and there, gloriously enough, I already had an email back from my tall handsome friend. He is something magical. Truly magical.

I'm terrified of the hope that seems to be unstoppable and overflowing through my system. Could I finally have life moving in my favor?

Nikky and I decided that, as of yesterday, the year must only get better. The first 6 months of 2008 have been one nightmare after another. So many friends have died, so many people have been hurt, so many people have walked away, so many near death experiences have happened, and so much pain has blanketed life. All in 6 months.

We've entered the second half of 2008, and in this half only good things are allowed to show themselves.

Life is definitely moving. Quickly.

I called Sauk today. I go in to sign up for classes next Monday morning. I know they'll be confused as to why I didn't sign up for classes on my own online, but I really hate doing that. I like talking to people who train to help people who are just trying to figure things out tolerably, like myself, set up their schedules. One less thing to worry about. Perfect.

Maybe I'm not as ridiculous or as big a failure as I originally thought.

Apparently I'm fairly interesting too. I don't know what it is exactly, but I've managed to hook the attention of one of my absolute favorite people. I enjoy having questions to answer. I enjoy being able to say how wonderful he is on a regular basis. What I love most though is the fact that he's constantly talking back. I'm not having a one sided conversation with a wall. Instead, I've found a guy I can have deep discussions with and I'm feeling less ridiculous and self-conscious about it. On top of which, he is genuine and honest and insists that's what he wants from me. Without realizing what he's doing, he's slowly pulling down some of the walls I've maintained for years. He's letting me out...heh. I hope he's ready.

Like I said, the hope is a little scary. It's a struggle to accept the possibility that I may not be in this alone anymore. Perhaps...just perhaps...he actually is looking for me too.

Smile. The second half of this year has to get better. It already has.

I Can Move You Like An Earthquake

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (7:27 pm):

• In This Diary which is a mix I made Mr. Laurent
• Ice tea in a tall Ohio State cup
• "Don't Move" by Butch Walker...this song pretty much makes everything worthwhile
• Uncertainty that also moves toward hope

I took a nap for about a half hour earlier. It's been an eternal day somehow, and I feel like it's been more like a whole week than just one day.

When I woke up this morning, I bribed myself with Jay. Telling myself that I would get to see him at church which was just one more reason I should wake up, that and the fact that sunshine was streaming in my window looking very inviting.

I couldn't eat breakfast because my adrenaline level was already so high that I was jittery. I had the mix for him in my purse, and that's all I could think of.

By the time Jay actually came into the church, I couldn't stop smiling. It was like my heart had overridden my common sense, kicked everything into overdrive and I was pretty much feeling like no matter what happened it could only end in good.

After practice, I handed him the mix and walked off before he could say anything else. He looked very surprised.

Church pretty much flew by. It was beautiful. I tripped Kayla on accident in front of a bunch of people and yet no one seemed to notice which was hilarious. We sang "Blessed Be Your Name," and for whatever reason, it totally broke my heart singing it. Memories I had successfully mastered were suddenly there. They were just floating around in my head and I couldn't stop crying. The amazing thing, I think, was the fact that I wasn't the only one crying and none of us felt bad about it. No one questions tears during that song. Never. And I am GLAD.

After church Jay thanked me for the mix twice and reminded me that he would have my mix done soon.

The real question is...will he see it for all that it is? Or will it just blow by, again.

I guess we just wait to see where it goes from here.

Coversations

She said she didn'tcare. She was trying to fool herself. Why should she care? He wasn’t going to. Or at least it sure didn’t seem like he would. Maybe she should ask, but no, no she couldn’t do that. She didn’t want to be an inconvenience to him.
Maybe it wasn’t even that. Maybe she was just afraid. She didn’t really want to know. Somehow, maybe it was better this way. This not knowing had its advantages. After all, if she didn’t know he disliked her, she could always hope. On top of which, wasn’t it his job to make the first move? He was the guy after all. Maybe it was time he stepped up to the plate and took a swing. She felt like she’d been doing all of it. She made mix cds, she left him notes, she made him laugh, she checked on him when he was sick, she encouraged him. He seemed grateful for her friendship. Seemed to enjoy her company…but nothing was ever said.
Sure he’d made her a mix cd and came to hang out with her when she asked, but it only seemed to be in groups. Was he scared of her? If only the songs on the mix had really meant something. If only they hadn’t just been songs by bands he loved. She wondered if he had realized that her mix cds were like letters. Each song chosen carefully and only for him.
Maybe it was just as well. Maybe he was meant to have someone better. Someone prettier, more musical, talented, perfect. That’s what he deserved anyway…perfection.
She sighed to herself. She went through the familiar list: believes in God, good with kids, was an amazing singer, played and wrote his own music, funny, handsome in a casual wonderful way, brilliant, accomplished…yes…he was perfection. She found herself sighing yet again praying God would provide her with some obvious direction. All she wanted was to know if she was crazy for sticking around so long.


He said he didn’t care. He was trying to fool himself. Why should he care? She surely wasn’t going to. She was just treating him like all her other friends. Right? The emails, checking up on him, always noticing when something was different, telling him she liked his new songs. Wasn’t that something she would do for anyone?
And what about the mix cd he’d made her…Hadn’t she realized he wouldn’t do that for just anyone. That she was special. He’d spent several months working on that mix. Each song specifically about her. Each of them secretly whispered his longing, his love.
Didn’t she see the look in his eyes? That he meant each and every word he said to her. That in each and every sentence he was trying to tell her.
He loved the way she laughed. It was so free and so frequent when he was around. His friends believed she cared, but he couldn’t believe it. Wouldn’t she have told me how she felt? Written me a note or something. She’s was such a brave girl…
He sighed and stared at the dark ceiling of his room. Just praying God would give him an answer before he went crazy. What was he going to do?


She looked at the clock. It was flashing 1:37 AM in the most blindingly obnoxious fashion. Thank goodness it was a Saturday. She could sleep in…well if she got any sleep at all she could sleep in, but she wasn’t holding out much hope anymore.
She got out of bed and grabbed her laptop. Sitting in her overstuffed chair staring at a blank screen would have to help at least a little bit. Maybe an answer would come while she was typing. She’d find the perfect words, or at least words that would help express her feelings.
Let’s be realistic, she thought. There’s no way I’m going to come up with the perfect words. She opened iTunes and starred at it. Another mix was going to have to happen. It was really the only way to say anything anyway…always through the words of others. I’m such a coward, she thought and started finding songs.


He was pacing again. He had been laying in bed for over an hour and had finally given up any hope of going to sleep. He replayed the evening over in his head again.
They went out bowling with some friends. He always made sure he would be there if they went out in a group. He wished he had the nerve to hang out just with her, but he was really sure he would say something stupid or embarrassing. He couldn't bear the thought of her deciding she didn't want to be around him anymore. Why take the chance? But she had spent most of the evening by his side. Always realizing when it was his turn before he did. She even tucked his tag in. How did she always notice these things? Such insignificant details, but she always did. He loved this about her.
Another friend of there’s had tried to teach her how to bowl. He could tell this embarrassed her, so he hadn’t said anything. Just remembering to comment when she did a good job. Tried to make her laugh. Thanked her when she reminded him it was his turn, when she picked the lint off his shirt, and talked to her whenever he could.
He was getting pretty good at keeping their conversations going. She never seemed thrown when his topics didn’t flow. And she would actually answer his questions with honest sounding answers. She was amazing.
He thought she was wonderful. Everything about her. She was perfect.
He picked up a notebook and his guitar. At least all the angst is good for something, he thought.


There, she thought. It’s done. She stared at the list on her screen:

In This Diary mix:
Faith – George Michael
If Only She Knew – O.A.R.
In This Diary – The Ataris
You Really Got Me – Van Halen
That Thing You Do – The Wonders
Stay With Me – Finch
Waiting – Jimmie’s Chicken Shack
Your Winter – Sister Hazel
Quitter’s Never Win – Jonny Lang
On Call – Kings of Leon
Reckless – Better Than Ezra
Kiss On – Tyler Hilton
Southern Girl – Incubus
Brass Bed –Josh Gracin
Waiting in Vain – Bob Marley
Don’t Move – Butch Walker
Questions – Jack Johnson
Sparks – Coldplay

You can’t be much more obvious than that. She hit the burn button and made two copies. She knew she would need to be reminded of this bit of recklessness on a regular basis for awhile. If he didn’t catch on, at least she would have been able to get some of those feelings out of her head. But what if he does catch on? The thought paralyzed her. No, no looking back. This needs to be said. Even if this is the only way I can do it…