Madness of the Gods (or Lust and Why I'm a Bad Person)

For the past few days I've been rereading Rob Bells' incredible book Sex God. Today as I was reading I was struck by something he said:

"Lust comes from a deep lack of satisfaction with life. This is why we have to slow down and reflect on our lives before we'll ever begin to sort out the significance of this. Lust often starts with a thought somewhere in our head or heart: 'If I had that/him/her/it, then I'd be...'

When we're not at peace, when we aren't content, when we aren't in a good place, our radar gets turned on. We're looking. searching. And we're sensory creatures, so it won't be long before something, or somebody, catches our attention.

And it always revolves around 'if,' doesn't it?

If I just..."

Uuuuuugh. This sums me up.

The last thing I want to do is to objectify someone else. I don't want to be bored and frustrated with what I'm placed in in life. God put me here for a reason, and I want to be able to be content in this. If Paul could be content in all circumstances, including shipwreck, prison, etc., why on earth am I incapable of doing the same?

I don't want to feel like I'm incomplete without someone in my life. I want to see other people as the beautiful creatures they are and not as something that I must "possess" in order to feel justified in life and complete.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if there is something wrong with me. How do I reframe my mind? More importantly, how do I control my thoughts and my heart? I want the overflow from my heart to be positive and wonderful. I want it to be, as Conor Oberst said, "the warm yellow light" that covers the people I love. I want to be something good in the lives of others and I don't want to lust after people and things in any capacity. I don't want that to be one of my many faults.

Yesterday, Sam and I were discussing fasting. Two weeks ago he did a 3-day green tea detox, and this past week I did one. The thing that impressed us both was that we realized we were capable of that kind of restraint. Three days with no food. Three days of green tea and water. For a pair of kids in their early 20's who grew up in America where people eat constantly, you gotta admit, this is pretty impressive. I'm not saying we're super heroes or anything, but I was excited to realize that I can say no to things when I feel it's important.

I told Sam what excites me most is the fact that this means we can use this same principle in other areas of our lives. I think it's high time that I figure out how to make this happen in the rest of my messy life. I've learned I'm capable of more. I need to prove it.

Sam is talking about doing a day of fasting each month, and I think this wouldn't be a bad plan. It would be nice to prove to myself that I can do this each month. Plus it would, as Sam put it, give me motivation and help me see what I can do. Plus, if I make sure I do this once a month, it will make it something sacred and important. I can do more to focus on God and maybe continue to learn to listen.

Things to think about.

Don't Let It Fool You

Favorite things of this very moment (2:59 pm CST):

• That I have a job today and tomorrow at Basket Beginnings in Conover (you should probably come check it out)
• My "When Your Heart Aches" mix playing on the store's cd player (more on this later)
• The Olympians Series by Rick Riordan (read it, have your kids read it, your friends read it, your kids friends read it, and anyone else you know...they should probably read it too)
• That I should be getting the 4th book in the Olympians Series tomorrow (The Battle of the Labyrinth)!! Sweetness!
• Having plans to hang out with Jay & Ben with a box of juicebags (I'll be picking them up on my way home from work) on the front porch tonight (oh yes, this means Front Porch Talk season could be officially open for business!)
• Andy accepting my Facebook Friends Request (yes, you heard me, it's my favorite)
• My summer jewelry being something I feel the urge to wear again
• No socks!

My posts probably have made you aware, but I'm feeling a little crazy this week.

Have you ever had an event that basically throws you off-kilter? It makes everything seem discombobulated (hey, I spelled that right! Party! Bonus!) and different. Like you're looking at the world from a different perspective or having new bearings?

That's how I feel, and I don't know if that's a good thing yet or not.

I'm currently trying to work out how crazy I am, and also what on earth I'm really dealing with. Sometimes it's hard for me to truly place what's going on in my head and heart. I'm sure most people have this happen from time to time, and that pretty much sums me up. I keep looking at my heart and wondering...

Is this different?

Or maybe it's just in my head. Whatever it is, I'm acting crazy, and I'd like to get a good grip on my heart and head and make them agree...at least for a little while.

Anyway, as promised, and on a less dramatic note, more on the "When Your Heart Aches" mix: I guess all I really want to say is that this is my current favorite mix. I put it together this week, and it's virtually all I've listened to. I pulled the songs from various old mixes, a few new mixes, and just old beloved stuff. I needed something that would make me smile and feel a little happier in my own way. So without further ado, the mix...

When Your Heart Aches:

1. This Time Around - Hanson
2. Anchor - Brandon Clark & The American Standard (check them out on facebook, my friend, Brandon and his band are AMAZING)
3. Heartbreak Warfare - John Mayer
4. Breezy - Conor Oberst (Thank you, Nikky)
5. Don't Move - Butch Walker
6. Oil & Water - Incubus (Brandon Boyd has a beautiful voice)
7. Sitting, Waiting, Wishing - Jack Johnson (ah yes, the old theme song)
8. I'll Be the Wind - Garth Brooks
9. Moshi Moshi (acoustic) - Brand New
10. Lips Like Morphine - Kill Hannah
11. On Your Porch - The Format
12. Girl I Wanna Lay You Down - Jack Johnson (might not be the real title)
13. Wreck Me - Butch Walker (I put this song on repeat often)
14. Absolutely Still - Better Than Ezra
15. Disenchanted - My Chemical Romance
16. Restless - Brandon Clark & The American Standard
17. Say - John Mayer
18. Straight Up - Halifax