Dyed

by Robby Cavanaugh

“Such as are your habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of your mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.”

-Marcus Aurelius

The past few weeks have been strange.  My soul is restless again and I think it's in anticipation of change; I just don't know what change yet.  

I hate the waiting and the wondering.  God knows I'm not any good at being patient though I guess I have gotten a little better with age.

There is a poster board covered with a very large Venn Diagram stuck on my bedroom wall at the moment. It has two headings: "Should I Stay?" "Should I Go?"  It is saying a lot about the people I love, the places my heart resides, and what I want to do.  There are a few things connecting them, and that tells me a lot too.  I need to take into consideration my health, my financial situation, the fact that I do actually have a small grey monster that is my responsibility, and my heart.  I still don't know where I am going to end up or what I will be doing next, but I do know that I am longing.  It is an ache that is permeating everything.

I know that I need to find a way to truly like myself.  I have said it a million times, and hopefully this will be one of the last times I repeat myself, I need to change this.  I am unhealthy physically on a number of levels, and unfortunately, I have a lovely talent for ending up sick when I am stressed or worried or frustrated.  Pretty sure this is one of the ways God reminds me to slow down, shut up, and listen.  I am home sick today for day two after wanting to strangle the whole of the world on Monday.  Now...I am trying to listen.  I don't want my twenty-sixth year to be one of giving up or shutting down.

I am pretty sure my soul is dyed a deeply morbid and whiny color as a result.  Ha.  Never the less, I am working on changing that.  I want my soul to be died a bright sunshine yellow and green like new leaves, the orange of sunset and the shimmering whites and blues of summer night stars.

Bring it on 26.  I won't be defeated this year.

Ps. One last thing, Favorite Things of This Very Moment (10:41 AM CST):

• This picture of my nephew, Xavier being his happy and wonderful self.  If only we could all be so much ourselves.  I hope you find your way to do that, I intend to.
• The coffee my mom left me this morning because she thought I might just want it.
• "Old Enough" by Jason Bruce because I'm pretty sure that today it is my life
• Forrest telling me he has an interview next week for a job and seeing him so happy about it
• Sweet comments, well wishes, belated birthday notes, and general kindness from the people I love most
• Death Cab for Cutie.  Always.
• The time between coughs when I feel nearly normal
• The gold sunshine that is bathing everything I see in its glorious summer-esque radiance, especially the young trees in our front yard that absolutely glow green in the light
• Summer breezes that carry the sent of my coffee and cool air across my face
• Comfy pj pants
• My anklet that reminds me of Shelby, Josie, Amber and CWS
• Joel arguing with Mira (honestly, mornings can be so silly here)
• Life.

Gold Guns Girls

(This picture was taken by my friend Pauline Hauling while she was in Dubai.)

Oh, Metric...sometimes you have all the words.

Today I was listening to Metric's song "Gold Guns Girls," and I started to question it. I'm sure you've all sat and thought to yourself, "How can I look at these lyrics? Surely they can be deep and meaningful or have meaning from more than one angle..." Yeah, so maybe I'm alone in my thoughts, but this is what I think.

She sings, "I remembers when we were gambling to win/Everybody else said better luck next time/I don't wanna bend like the bad girls bend/I just wanna be your friend, is it ever gonna be enough?"

As I was listening to this tonight, for whatever reason, I realized this could be me. I think the original intention was probably that the question was directed to the guy she's supposed to be singing to, but I started thinking...maybe she's asking herself that question.

If she is, that could be me.

I remember when I was gambling to win. Everybody else said better luck next time. I don't want to bend like the bad girls bend. I just want to be your friend. Is it ever gonna be enough?

Can I deal with the fact I'm probably going to lose? Will I be able to handle people knowing that I lost yet again? And I don't want to be a "bad girl" just to get what I want. I don't want to be a "bad girl" at all actually. I definitely don't want to "bend" as they do. I want to be wanted and liked for what I am already.

And will being their friend ever really be enough?

Is that enough?

No.

Don't Let It Fool You

Favorite things of this very moment (2:59 pm CST):

• That I have a job today and tomorrow at Basket Beginnings in Conover (you should probably come check it out)
• My "When Your Heart Aches" mix playing on the store's cd player (more on this later)
• The Olympians Series by Rick Riordan (read it, have your kids read it, your friends read it, your kids friends read it, and anyone else you know...they should probably read it too)
• That I should be getting the 4th book in the Olympians Series tomorrow (The Battle of the Labyrinth)!! Sweetness!
• Having plans to hang out with Jay & Ben with a box of juicebags (I'll be picking them up on my way home from work) on the front porch tonight (oh yes, this means Front Porch Talk season could be officially open for business!)
• Andy accepting my Facebook Friends Request (yes, you heard me, it's my favorite)
• My summer jewelry being something I feel the urge to wear again
• No socks!

My posts probably have made you aware, but I'm feeling a little crazy this week.

Have you ever had an event that basically throws you off-kilter? It makes everything seem discombobulated (hey, I spelled that right! Party! Bonus!) and different. Like you're looking at the world from a different perspective or having new bearings?

That's how I feel, and I don't know if that's a good thing yet or not.

I'm currently trying to work out how crazy I am, and also what on earth I'm really dealing with. Sometimes it's hard for me to truly place what's going on in my head and heart. I'm sure most people have this happen from time to time, and that pretty much sums me up. I keep looking at my heart and wondering...

Is this different?

Or maybe it's just in my head. Whatever it is, I'm acting crazy, and I'd like to get a good grip on my heart and head and make them agree...at least for a little while.

Anyway, as promised, and on a less dramatic note, more on the "When Your Heart Aches" mix: I guess all I really want to say is that this is my current favorite mix. I put it together this week, and it's virtually all I've listened to. I pulled the songs from various old mixes, a few new mixes, and just old beloved stuff. I needed something that would make me smile and feel a little happier in my own way. So without further ado, the mix...

When Your Heart Aches:

1. This Time Around - Hanson
2. Anchor - Brandon Clark & The American Standard (check them out on facebook, my friend, Brandon and his band are AMAZING)
3. Heartbreak Warfare - John Mayer
4. Breezy - Conor Oberst (Thank you, Nikky)
5. Don't Move - Butch Walker
6. Oil & Water - Incubus (Brandon Boyd has a beautiful voice)
7. Sitting, Waiting, Wishing - Jack Johnson (ah yes, the old theme song)
8. I'll Be the Wind - Garth Brooks
9. Moshi Moshi (acoustic) - Brand New
10. Lips Like Morphine - Kill Hannah
11. On Your Porch - The Format
12. Girl I Wanna Lay You Down - Jack Johnson (might not be the real title)
13. Wreck Me - Butch Walker (I put this song on repeat often)
14. Absolutely Still - Better Than Ezra
15. Disenchanted - My Chemical Romance
16. Restless - Brandon Clark & The American Standard
17. Say - John Mayer
18. Straight Up - Halifax

ADD of the Soul

My toes find their way to tap to the beat
and as I sit,
I stare at this lined page
and wonder
Because, let's face it
I'm not in control
and I'm not going to claim to know
what comes next
and where I'll be the next time you look up

My heart is as restless as my wiggling toes
and my heart might burst
The questions and colors overwhelm me
this pounds in my blood

And I stare at my paints and these hands
and I think about the rhythm of the song I'm singing
(because I'm always singing something)
and I know these lyrics touch my soul
The ache and wonder and wanderlust
It calls and beckons from the road
and I realize this must be what birds with clipped wings feel like

Searchers

"You seem like a person use to consequences."
- Princess Ithaca, "Princess"

I find it amazing how often situations go wrong because we don't tell the truth.

If we were honest with ourselves and each other, so many complications could be avoided. It's the many secrets and masks we wear that cause problems. that's what breaks hearts and tangles us in webs.

If we were honest with each other, life would be easier. We would not be broken by false hope. Life would still be just as romantic.

I realize that the pain we feel often allows us to feel joy more deeply, but...I do believe that we should be more honest about ourselves. Why do we not ask questions or give true answers?

We're scared and we're searching. But if we're all scared and we're all searching...shouldn't that be all the more reason to be honest? To be searchers together?

After all, what is any good story without a search? Every life contains a quest. A search for meaning. A search for love. If a person is smart, it seems that they realize those two searches are actually intertwined.