Dyed

by Robby Cavanaugh

“Such as are your habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of your mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.”

-Marcus Aurelius

The past few weeks have been strange.  My soul is restless again and I think it's in anticipation of change; I just don't know what change yet.  

I hate the waiting and the wondering.  God knows I'm not any good at being patient though I guess I have gotten a little better with age.

There is a poster board covered with a very large Venn Diagram stuck on my bedroom wall at the moment. It has two headings: "Should I Stay?" "Should I Go?"  It is saying a lot about the people I love, the places my heart resides, and what I want to do.  There are a few things connecting them, and that tells me a lot too.  I need to take into consideration my health, my financial situation, the fact that I do actually have a small grey monster that is my responsibility, and my heart.  I still don't know where I am going to end up or what I will be doing next, but I do know that I am longing.  It is an ache that is permeating everything.

I know that I need to find a way to truly like myself.  I have said it a million times, and hopefully this will be one of the last times I repeat myself, I need to change this.  I am unhealthy physically on a number of levels, and unfortunately, I have a lovely talent for ending up sick when I am stressed or worried or frustrated.  Pretty sure this is one of the ways God reminds me to slow down, shut up, and listen.  I am home sick today for day two after wanting to strangle the whole of the world on Monday.  Now...I am trying to listen.  I don't want my twenty-sixth year to be one of giving up or shutting down.

I am pretty sure my soul is dyed a deeply morbid and whiny color as a result.  Ha.  Never the less, I am working on changing that.  I want my soul to be died a bright sunshine yellow and green like new leaves, the orange of sunset and the shimmering whites and blues of summer night stars.

Bring it on 26.  I won't be defeated this year.

Ps. One last thing, Favorite Things of This Very Moment (10:41 AM CST):

• This picture of my nephew, Xavier being his happy and wonderful self.  If only we could all be so much ourselves.  I hope you find your way to do that, I intend to.
• The coffee my mom left me this morning because she thought I might just want it.
• "Old Enough" by Jason Bruce because I'm pretty sure that today it is my life
• Forrest telling me he has an interview next week for a job and seeing him so happy about it
• Sweet comments, well wishes, belated birthday notes, and general kindness from the people I love most
• Death Cab for Cutie.  Always.
• The time between coughs when I feel nearly normal
• The gold sunshine that is bathing everything I see in its glorious summer-esque radiance, especially the young trees in our front yard that absolutely glow green in the light
• Summer breezes that carry the sent of my coffee and cool air across my face
• Comfy pj pants
• My anklet that reminds me of Shelby, Josie, Amber and CWS
• Joel arguing with Mira (honestly, mornings can be so silly here)
• Life.