Collab 5: Saftey Pins

Some nights I shift through Pinterest 

And I find a million new craft projects

And beautiful art by people

Who inspire me to carry forward

With my own rogue artwork 

But then suddenly 

The pictures creep in

Baby clothes

Parenting advice

What to expect when you're expecting 

And my heart aches a little

I shoo it away

(Or tuck into

The quiet corners of my heart).

I sigh.

The love of my life 

Is asleep next to me on our couch

Tucked into my side

Keeping me warm

And safe

And reminded of the pure joy

and blinding intensity 

Of our love.

But between the sweetness

Of his sleeping face,

My dreams,

All these crafts that make my brain think

Pinterest understands me too well...

I close my eyes and I sigh again

I speak to God about

The dreams I have tucked into 

The corners of my heart again,

And I try to hold onto the hope

That one of these days

That all these odds and ends and pins

Will culminate into action

And a small bundle of promise

With tiny hands

And tiny toes

Collab 1: Blender Brain

Here I am
scribbling notes again
Chance encounters during errands,
pictures in old cabinets
sometimes the past feels
too close

Do you ever wish
she was me?
Sometimes I wonder
what you could possibly
see in me (like every day)

My beautiful eyes
and that perfect
"Doctor Who" quote
It means the world,
but I still ache to
hear you say
"You're beautiful."

I've seen her picture
She had your heart
(and more)

You love me,
I know it's true,
but I still don't
understand how you do

Am I worth this trouble?
With all my flaws and faults?
With all the ideas and beliefs?
With my brokenness, my mental health and
this busted up body of mine?

Can you see what I can't?
Because I have an ache in my heart
from the smiling stories
of all the old times I missed

My own story feels like
darkness broken by up by stars
until you showed up
and the sun rose running golden
into afternoons that feel
like home and childhood and
front porch talks

But I still find myself
laying here
singing "Hey, Jealousy"
and hating my brain,
when you smile and take my hand
"Forever and ever...no more privacy."
And I have to laugh
We are our own story
and I am beginning to realize
this is the start of something
I get to keep
and it will never end

Darkness Heading for Light

There's so much.  I don't know where to start.

Right now I'm listening to Jack White sing while outside my windows I can hear the train running through town.  My computer is humming and every so often my phone screen lights up with words from someone who consistently makes me smile.  Life is alright.

Last week was a hellish nightmare that's still trying to cast a shadow on this week.  A friend of mine from childhood, Maggie and her sweet little boy, Amos were killed in a house fire that they're now looking at as a homicide.  My brain is still struggling to comprehend this loss, and it's triggered a series of nightmares and flashbacks to both Zuni's death and Heather's murder.  Maggie was nothing but kind and generous.  She was deeply loved by her friends and family, and I have so many great memories of her.

When we were 17, we were in an English class together, and throughout the course of this class, Maggie spent a lot of time encouraging me.  She knew I loved to write, and she made me make her a promise that when I published my first book that I would dedicate that book to her.  I have that book written, and I am working towards publishing it, I fully intend to keep my promise.  Whenever I've doubted my abilities, I have remembered her stubborn belief and faith in me.

When we were seniors in high school, Maggie nominated me for homecoming court.  I still laugh thinking about that because I was terrified to death that I'd even possibly have to be in front of the whole school.  Maggie told me she did it because I was one of the sweetest people she knew.

When we were 19, my best friend died.  At Zuni's visitation, I walked the line with his girlfriend, Amber, but then ended up walking the line with Maggie because she was scared of walking the line alone.  I warned her that it wouldn't look like Zuni.  It was his body, sure, but without his smile and light...it just looked like a doll with his gorgeous curly hair and his clothes.  I ended up telling her all the stories of times Zuni had embarrassed me and the ridiculous things he had done to make me laugh.  We laughed and cried through the whole line.

Maggie was one of those people who is magic in every life she touched.  Her kindness radiated out into the people around her.  I don't know a single person she befriended who doesn't feel like they were extraordinarily lucky to have called her their friend.  I am furious that her life has been cut short, and I've done my fair share of angry yelling and crying in the past week.  God and I have been having an ongoing conversation about justice and my hopes for the future.  I am praying that the police figure out what happened and can help bring closure and peace to all of us who are hurting, especially Mag's family and her sweet boyfriend.  This loss is unimaginable.

The fact that little Amos is gone to totally rips up my heart.  My godson, Quinny is the same age as Amos, and the idea of anything at all happening to Quin makes me hyperventilate.  I cannot imagine the hurt the family is going through.  He was Maggie's world.

*deep breath*


But let's move on to something on the opposite end of the spectrum ("Life and death! Death and life!  There's, like, a hair between them!"): Joel is engaged.

That's right.  My baby brother, the one I sang to sleep on a nightly basis for what felt like an eternity when he was tiny, is getting married.  I'm happy about this, but still struggling to catch up on comprehension for this.  His fiancee is a sweet, kind, hilarious girl named Lara who definitely is a great fit for him.  She adores his crazy and is incredibly encouraging of his creativity.  I like her.  Our folks like her.  We have family friends that gave her an incredibly high recommendation, so I believe she will be a good thing for him today as well as his future.  I'm looking forward to seeing where God takes them in this relationship.

I still find it hilarious that I had just told Nikky a week prior that I was pretty sure Joel was going to marry this girl.  I didn't see it on this timeline, but at least my discernment isn't completely askew.  Encouraging.

As far as the when and how of this marriage, they're still working all of that out.  Can't say I'm too worried about it.  I'll be there whenever it happens, and I'm looking forward to having another sister.  Especially one who understands my deep love for Firefly and Star Wars.  Glorious.


Ah yes, and finally, the best bits.  First, I am cancer free!  No cancer at all!  Precancerous cells?  Yes, that I do have.  Would these cells eventually turn into cancer?  Definitely, but not for many more years.  BUT since we caught it now, we should be able to prevent cancer from developing at all.  I am extremely grateful that I have finally found a doctor who understands what I'm dealing with being diagnosed with PCOS and who actually can explain what I'm dealing with, and who gives me actual hope for dealing with a condition that perpetually tries to complicate my life.  I'm finally on medications to manage my symptoms and help me live a healthier better life.  Plus, she was the one who called for the biopsy and now we're dealing with my precancerous cells.  It's a relief to know how to deal with this now instead of facing it it in the coming years.

No cancer.  Such beautiful words.


Now a confession, I actually returned to the crazy world of online dating.  This go round, I've had fewer totally creepy encounters with guys who think online dating is a way to access sex without having to romance or seduce a woman (or just pay for it...seriously man).  In fact, I'm not actually involved in online dating at all because I'm talking to a really kind guy who could well turn into the real deal.  The fact that he has been nothing but kind and funny and interesting and interested make everything better.  I am truly nervous about meeting him in person, but as I'm stupidly shy at times, I'm hoping I can manage complete sentences and not trip over anything on our first meeting.  Ha.  The fact remains, he's worth the risk, and I think he feels the same way about me.

Like I said, things have been crazy around here, but I can honestly say, things seem to be trying hard to get better.  I'd like to believe in the potential I'm seeing.

This is How You Lose Her

Quite a few years back, I had this great guy best friend. He was kind and smart and funny. He helped me grow into a better version of myself and challenged my views on everything. The best thing about him though was the fact that he was always able to have hope for me when I couldn't muster the belief. If my hope was failing, he would believe got me, and I was able to regain my footing and move forward knowing that as long as he believed, it would come true. 

My earliest memory of myself is me holding an elaborate wedding between two of my favorite stuffed animals. I was probably 3. I have always loved weddings. I have always loved love. From the beginning of my memories, I have always wanted to get married. I have from early on always wanted marriage and my own family. This is a core component to my life and story and dreams. It is a part of every wish and hope I have ever had. Some days holding onto the hope that my future can or will ever hold a relationship with a best friend I could keep feels impossible. 

I tell you this because I remember a particularly hard trip. It was a great trip for the most part, but the man I had thought I would get to love for the rest of my life had chosen someone else and I felt broken. I text my best guy friend and I said, "I don't care if it's a total lie and you don't believe it at all, but I need you to tell me that someday I will find a great guy and fall in love and get married and I'll get to have little ones of my own." He responded immediately and told me that I absolutely would find love and have a family of my own. He told me it wasn't a lie, and that he fully believed it would happen. That gave me the strength I needed to move forward and believe. I still was broken-hearted, but I knew he believed so I did too. 

Fast forward just a couple years. He is dating a girl that I know he's going to marry. His life is coming together nicely. He's got a job he loves and he just bought his house not long before. A total adult. My life is going through its typical bizarre circus juggling act while I walk a high wire, and I find myself turning to my friend for some comforting words. I tell him once again that I need him to tell me that I'll find the right guy some day and fall in love and get married and have little ones even if he knows it's a lie. How does my best guy friend of many years respond?

He tells me he doesn't know. Hopefully things will work out. 

And that, dear friends, is when you realize that somewhere along the line your best friend has checked out on you and they're not coming back. Needless to say, he and I are no longer close. He married the girl I knew he would and they seem happy. I, on the other hand, could use a guy in my life that believes in my dreams when I can't because I'm too tired to carry them anymore. I miss it. 

Moonlit Hope

Trickling into my soul

A sliver of moonlit hope

Hard to say how

Long it's been

Since a quiet voice intervened

Through the cacophony 

In my head

But here's a whisper

The barest breath

Maybe it breathes

...maybe

Poems

It's been a long time

Since words found their way

Written out on napkins and

The backs of envelopes

I use to write poems

Every day

I use to write them about

The boy I loved

The one that walked away

But then Poetry died

And there were so many years

Of quiet silence

And an echo stretching forever

I wrote a story for my godson

It's about an armadillo 

I want to publish the book

But all this fear 

Holds me back 

Still somewhere past

Basketball games on TV

And fictional bounty hunters

I hear an old whisper

And feel a tug at the corner

Of my heart

Start again

Live with no regrets

And I smile

Maybe turning 30

Is a starting point 

After all and

Maybe I can live

The life I long for 

After all

You, Me, & Jimmy Fallon

Happy Valentine's Day.

Tonight I sat on the couch and watched about 4 straight hours of comedy with my folks. Was this a Valentine's Day I'll remember? I hope so. 

I still don't know who I am, but sometimes when I laugh this hard, I am reminded great things are worth the wait. 

It might sound ridiculous, but this really hit home tonight while we were watching Fallontine's Day (yep, Jimmy Fallon's second anniversary special). My folks and I were talking about what's so great about Jimmy. He's funny, plays multiple instruments, is kind, loves children and animals, can make anyone smile, writes thank you notes, does dead on impressions, and loves ridiculous games. He is so talented with such weird and delightful skills. 

All I could think was that he was born for this. He was truly created to bring others joy. I wonder if he really realized it was possible to take all those skills and use them like he does now. It had to be mind blowing when he realized he was exactly where he needed to be. 

I've spent so much time lately thinking about just that. Thinking about how my skill set is eclectic and I'm not sure how to best utilize it for the greater good, but Jimmy Fallon reminds me that no matter how random or weird your skills and passions are, it will all come together. 

Just because I'm not the world's most beautiful women and I can't speak a second language or play a guitar doesn't mean I'm not fascinating or worthwhile. 

You know what I'm great at? Writing thank you notes and postcards and handwritten letters. I make delicious pie and beer bread. I can quote movies and figure out where you've seen that random actor before. I give truly unique wedding gifts and make mix CDs. I am a wonder. 

You are a wonder too. 

Tonight I'm praying that we truly learn to love and appreciate ourselves, and our gifts, so that we can be healthier, happier, better, and brighter lights. We'll find our way. 

Night and, again, happy Valentine's Day!

More Color!

I am completely exhausted.  I thought I was going to fall asleep standing up in my living room earlier while laughing at Stephen Cobert.  I am rarely so tired as I am tonight, but here I am over an hour later staring at my computer screen and slowly finding words to type.

I couldn't help it.  I just wanted to know if anyone had said a word to me on the ridiculous online dating site I semi-recklessly signed up for.  Especially since my dear friend Jordan issued a challenge last night, and in order to resolve it, I have to attempt to actually stick with this site for a little while and give it a chance.  Most everything in me would like to run screaming away from this because of all the "what if's" like "What if no one likes me?" "What if the guy I end up liking and actually agreeing to meet actually ends up to be a serial killer and he murders me before we even go to dinner?" "What if a guy asks me to meet him and then he turns out to be a total liar?"  "What if I find a great guy and then scare him off by being myself?" etc. etc. etc.

Yes, I am overthinking this.  It tends to be what I do in such moments, but at least I'm trying to do something different.  I keep hoping I'll realize I'm living through all the things that will be the 30 second or so worth of montage that shows all the steps I took to change something for the better in my life.  It really isn't a bad life, but I'd like it if I could fill it with more color.

Always more color.

So for now, good night.

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (12:05 AM CST):

• Tom Hiddleston reading Derek Walcott's Love After Love
• Knowing I should have a new bed set up to sleep on tomorrow night
• The game 1010! (I blame you for this, Caroline Walters!)
• Peyton Manning getting this super bowl win (He's still my favorite)
• That I can actually sleep in tomorrow!  Woo!
• Jordan's challenges & Nikky's hilarious encouragement and kindness
• Sleeeeeeeeeeeep

My New Year's Toast

Happy New Year! I've already managed to catch something on fire today (no injuries or fire alarms), so I'd say I'm off to an interesting start. 

I didn't get to make a New Year's toast last night because by the time midnight rolled around I was falling asleep brushing my teeth (PARTY!), so instead let's raise our glasses (literally or not) to toast the new year. 

My friends, may 2016 start a fire in your hearts that rages and consumes. May it be a fire for truth and love and beauty, but most important kindness. May this new fire (or blaze rekindled) be bright enough to start others ablaze. Let us strive for justice, but let us also strive for peace. Let this year be the year we truly learn to love ourselves so that we can genuinely and completely love our neighbors. May this be a year we embrace growth and new beginnings and inspire change in ourselves and others. 

I wish you every happiness, but also hope. 

Happy New Year!

The Trouble with the Night Before the Night Before Christmas

Some nights like the night before the night before Christmas can find me searching for answers. Not necessarily for the big huge important (in the traditional sense) questions, but more the ones that would only affect the corners of my heart I try not to touch anymore. 

But some nights, like this eve before Christmas Eve, shine a light on old scars begging me to remember them. What happened to that boy who once proposed to me but then left me behind? He goes by a new name, but I'd still recognize those blue eyes, the voice like velvet and that Hebrew tattoo over his heart. Time may change us into strangers, but he will always be mine in memory. 

Some nights I wish I'd made different choices or that I'd fought harder or paid more attention, but then a whisper reminds me that the end came when I was too distracted and broken by grief to truly care for anyone. Pain may not be a right excuse, but I don't think it (or its lack) would've changed the outcome. He was always walking away toward the next version of himself. 

Maybe some night, years from now, when this scar begs to be seen and remembered, there will be a new chapter to the story. Perhaps some Christmas Eve eve in the future will find him happy and healthy and recovered from his own scars and finally finally the real version of who he was always meant to be. 

Some nights I just need to empty my brain out so I can sleep again. 

Oh Santa

Dear Santa,

Year's like this I really wish I had more faith.

What I want really can't be wrapped up and delivered or carried to m in your bag and sled.  What I want, Santa, is just love and courage and hope.  I want to enter this coming year with the courage to make myself healthier and happier.  I want love because, well, who doesn't want love?  But really, I want to be able to spoil someone, to lavish affection on them, someone to laugh with and prioritize, someone who sees the best in me and desires me.  And hope...I want hope most of all.  I feel like I lack hope the most.  If you gave me nothing more than hope I think that could shore up the pieces of my heart for another year.

Merry Christmas, Santa.

Love,
Jaymin

For the Cold Night

What on earth am I doing?
Seriously, what am I doing?
Am I the girl I see in the mirror or am I someone I have yet to meet?
It's a hard thing to see at times
what with the fog on the glass.
The drink on the window sill is staying cold
just waiting for me to take a breath
--at least something here has the gift of patience when all my patience is gone--

I'll just wait here alone.

The loneliness isn't too bad these days
maybe I'll find purpose yet
Some days I get to be the good fairy
I'd always dreamed to be
some kids want to be princesses
I wanted to be the fairy godmother
(well maybe I wanted to be the princess too..
after all, who doesn't want the handsome prince at the end of the story?)

I'd just like to be wanted
To be needed
To come first to somebody

it's the realization that no one has heard a word you said
that really breaks a joke
or the story
the hope
heart
Nothing makes you feel smaller than silence
when you just need someone to nod and say "uh huh"
(even if they're barely listening)

Do you hear me now?
Or see me?
Am I actually Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense?
I'm the one who has been dead all along?

Be patient with me as I grow
Someday (maybe today) I'll have someone tune my old piano
I'll write some more thank you notes
and figure out how to use YouTube to teach myself new stitches
The poetry I'll read will work it's way deep through my soul
and I won't need to wait because
my soul will bloom on it's own

Paris

Paris. I am so sorry to hear what's been done to you. This evening I turned on the news and I heard that you'd been wounded. Cruel, hateful creatures had stolen through your beautiful streets and destroyed people you cared for, people you loved, people you'd been proud of. I am so sorry. 

Paris, this world sometimes feels so overwhelmingly full of callousness and darkness, and tragedies like this push us to the brink. The amazing things is how blinding the light is that shines through our brokenness. This Friday will be one that haunts us for generations, but I pray that it will cause us to renew our strength and friendship and love for one another. Life is so short and so fragile. Sometimes it is stolen from us, but let us chose to hold together and love. 

Paris, you are so beloved. France, I stand with you. Hatred may oppose us, but we stand for love. Hate can never win. 

May God give us peace, healing, and strength to carry on and love deeply. 

Day 31: God

Dear God,

Thank you. 

Thank you for the crazy month of October. Always crazy it seems, but I am grateful. Thank you for my incredible family, for my sweet friends, for renewed friendships, for my godsons, for the changing leaves and allergy medication. Thank you for giving my a home to live in, great co-workers, and a steady paycheck. 

Thank you for reminding me of what I've left behind and what's worth fighting for. Thank you for showing me, yet again, how blessed beyond measure I am. Thank you for showing up for me. I am always blown away by the ways you choose to speak. Your kindness and live blow me away. 

And your patience, Lord. Thank you for your patience when I am stubborn and your grace when I fall. 

Thank you for loving me. I love you, Lord. 

Thank you. 

Love,

Jaymin

Day 30: Mom

Dear Mom,

Thank you. 

I could not be blessed with a better mom. You always make time for me and listen when I need to just clear my head. I always feel bad for dumping out all my issues on you, but you always listen with so much kindness and understanding. 

Thank you for reminding me that of my light when I'm feeling like I'm failing miserably. You help me remember that the story is still in development and there is still magic and color to life. 

Thank you for seeing the best in me even when I'm crying and sound like a crazy person. I am grateful that you are willing to remind me of who I am and that you love me. 

I love you, Ma. You are the kindest, sweetest, most compassionate woman I know. I want to grow up to be like you. 

Thank you. 

Love,

Jaymin

Day 29: Acheron

Dear Acheron,

Thank you. 

I still can't over my good fortune in being offered the chance to buy you. I'd been without a car for almost a full year by the time David's offer came along and I still can't believe my luck. A Camry (even though you're not new) in good condition with good gas mileage, and you're all mine. 

You represent so much. The fact you are mine means there's always the chance for escape. Maybe that sounds a little crazy, but I need the promise of an open door to placate the dangerous edge in my heart. I must know I have the option to run. You give me that hope. 

Thank you. 

Love,

Jaymin

Day 28: Work

Dear Work,

Thank you. 

I know we don't always get on and sometimes I have a terrible attitude about you, but I do appreciate you. Few things in life are so encouraging as having a steady job with a steady income. After the past couple years, I know I am beyond blessed to have you. You've given me the chance to learn new schools, make friends with my wonderful co-workers, and a paycheck that never fails to show up in full on time as promised. I am so lucky to have you. 

Thank you. 

Love,

Jaymin

Day 19: Grandma Thomas

Dear Grandma Thomas,

Thank you. 

I miss you. A lot. 

Grandma, thank you for loving me. More than that, thank you for loving all of us. It's amazed me over and over again since you died just how much you loved all of us and how you truly were the glue that held us all together. You always saw the good in us and tried to point us in the right direction. It makes me sad to think how much we took that for granted. 

Thank you for being a great example of the kind of woman I want to be. You were a loving wife, mother, grandmother, and friend. You were involved in your family and community, and everyone who knew you loved you. Your life and legacy give me hope. 

I miss you, Grandma. I love you. 

Thank you. 

Love,

Jaymin

Day 16: Swedes Staff

Dear Swedes Staff,

Thank you. 

Over the past few years I've had a lot of time to consider you. I've spent some time in your hospital, most of it as a patient, and I want you to know you're wonderful. 

A couple years back, I dealt with pancreatitis nearly killing me a couple times as a complication of my gall bladder needing to be removed. Every member of your support staff that I encountered from nurses to lab tech to valets to administrative staff, you were all wonderful. You made me laugh, explained the medical terms, answered my questions, and did all you could to make me feel comfortable and at ease. 

I bring this up because I was reminded of this yesterday when I found myself in a familiar waiting room. I was at Swedes all over again, but this time it was waiting with my mom and for her test results. Thankfully her results were clear, we got to come home with no problems, but you were still the same. Everyone was kind. Everyone was helpful, and everything was explained. You really are wonderful. 

Thank you. 

Love,

Jaymin

Day 14: Kimmieboo

Dear Kim,

Thank you.

I love you so much, sweet sister.  You have seen me through so many hard times and laughed with me through the good times (and sometimes through the bad times, which is the only way to survive I think).  I just want to thank you for being my sister.  Few things in life are quite so beautiful as knowing someone claims you as family when they aren't required to, and you always do.  Thank you.

It's hard for me to believe that we're as old as we are.  I still remember climbing that sand hill behind East Oregon before VBS during the summers while we were growing up (even if we weren't really supposed to do that), and I feel lucky to have known you so long.  I still find myself thanking God for pushing at my heart to go to ABC because I would've missed out on so many wonderful opportunities, but more importantly, I would've missed out on relationships like ours.  We've known each other for ever, but I am so grateful that we were at ABC together.  I can't imagine what my life would be like without you, K-boo.  Your prayers, laughter, encouragement and love are a constant source of comfort and joy.  Thank you.

On top of all this, thank you for making a place for me in Ki's life.  It's such an honor getting to be an aunt to your little munchkin.  He's such a sweet kid, and I can't believe how quickly he keeps growing.  It's going to be fun watching him grow up and being a part of all that.

Thank you for always making time for me and being a part of my life.  It means the world.  I love you, Kimmie.  You are a blessing and a godsend.

Thank you.

Love,
Jaymin