Oh Santa

Dear Santa,

Year's like this I really wish I had more faith.

What I want really can't be wrapped up and delivered or carried to m in your bag and sled.  What I want, Santa, is just love and courage and hope.  I want to enter this coming year with the courage to make myself healthier and happier.  I want love because, well, who doesn't want love?  But really, I want to be able to spoil someone, to lavish affection on them, someone to laugh with and prioritize, someone who sees the best in me and desires me.  And hope...I want hope most of all.  I feel like I lack hope the most.  If you gave me nothing more than hope I think that could shore up the pieces of my heart for another year.

Merry Christmas, Santa.

Love,
Jaymin

Revolving Countdowns

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Favorite things of this very moment (3:10 pm CST):

• Chris Tomlin's spectacular worship songs
• Edna St. Vincent Millay's incredibly eloquent poetry that so often reaches in and pulls my heart back into rhythm with life
• Prayer

Yesterday was Kayla's graduation party. A good time was had by all. The weird thing was how many people had questions for me about my future and plans. I kind of wanted to tell them all that they should probably just focus on Kayla and leave me alone, but the thing is, most of them don't get to see me for more than a few fleeting moments anymore. I'm at work and then at home and few, if any, places in between. So I told them.

I'm trying to get myself financially capable to head to ABC in the fall. I received my notice that I'd been accepted to return, and now this week I'm supposed to plan out my class schedule. I'll probably major in Youth Ministry, and that I have no idea where I'll be heading after that.

I found out that my church is planning to "adopt" me to try and help support me a little financially. I was told it probably wouldn't be a lot of money, but it's something, and considering I hadn't even asked about this, that it hadn't even occurred to me to ask: I'm beyond grateful. Sometimes the people in my life really surprise me.

I also was grilled by a lady from our church who I'm pretty sure wishes I were more up to her standards so that she could induct me into her family and have me marry her oldest boy. I don't wear enough skirts, and I'm pretty sure the fact that I'm moving to Atlanta even though I don't know where they money will come from with no real future plans in place really impressed her... Although, this really isn't my issue. Her son doesn't talk to me, and as nice as she is, I'm completely intimidated by her and I hate wearing skirts. Not a good fit.

Plus, I feel led back to ABC. I'm going to finish what I started, darn it. I'm going to work to be the adult I want to be. The person I want to be, and I'm going to hit all the reset buttons in my heart, and see if being back at ABC might just help me get my head back in the game. I've been drifting the past few years, and I can't just wait forever. I need to make a move in a positive direction, and listen.

And as it was in the bulletin yesterday that the church board discussed my "adoption," I can no longer hide the fact that I'm intending to do this. Oddly, that frightens me more than most things. I'd been keeping it quiet because I'm tried of making plans that never come true, and I don't want this to happen again. I want to follow through.

I take it back, that wasn't the scariest part. The scariest part was having someone point out that moving back to ABC in August means that I'm moving in 3 months. From tomorrow actually...

I am scared to death. And the great thing? I'm walking headfirst into it. I'll take this leap of faith, and I'm just going to keep believing God will break my fall.

Eowyn

I just finished watching Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. I had forgotten how much I genuinely enjoy those movies. The constant fight to keep hope in the midst of despair, to hold to faith in your friends and your own strength, and rising up to meet your fate even in the face of fear. To fight for those you truly love. What is better than to know you've done all you can do to care for and protect the people who mean everything to you...?

Eowyn is an incredible woman. As much as I love Arwen (she is awesome), I finally realized Eowyn is even better. A woman of honor and valour who refuses to turn aside from the fight to protect those she loves. Her courage is inspiring and incredible. I want to be courageous and strong and true. To be a woman of integrity and valour. To stand firm when others' hearts fail. To prove myself worthy of something more.

How strong is my heart?

Inspire

I love this. I really do. It makes me feel inspired. I realize that probably sounds silly or maybe stupid, but it's true. Maybe it's the song, which I love, or maybe it's just because everyone needs to see things that make them feel brave, makes them believe they could be more. For reasons I don't fully understand, this makes me feel like that. Enjoy.

Inspire someone.

Courageous One

Favorite things of this very moment (11:11 pm CST, make a wish):

• 
  


• Having successfully completed the lastest of the many mixes I make (oh yeah, try saying that 3 times fast)
• The brilliance of Nikky's YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=pseudoindiequeen (check it out! Immediately, now!)
• Knowing I actually have plans to see Heather tomorrow
• Wearing long sleeves in July and surviving without heat stroke
• Chai tea
• Tyler Hilton. Period.

I wish I had something brilliant and witty to say this evening, but all I really have to say is that even those of us that are shy and lost can still find courage within us. I was recently told by 3 people whose advice, opinion, and love mean more to me than almost anything in the world that I was brave. Considering I've spent most of my growing up feeling a bit like the Cowardly Lion, it came as a bit of a shock, but it meant so much.

What it comes down to is the fact that having someone call you "courageous one" can actually help you believe that maybe, just maybe, you are brave. Or, at least, much braver than you initially believed.

I may not be the bravest, but I know that I'm believed in. And I know that someday someone will ask for me by name.