Focus

This morning I sat trying to read a friend's poem for about 5 or so minutes before realizing all I was catching was the briefest and most random of phrases and bits...it was like I was just seeing random words flash in front of my face. I couldn't for the life of me focus my attention on that poem. This type of distraction seems to happen more frequently all the time. I am sure that this is mostly my own fault. I tend to multitask a bit more often than necessary. Listen to music or watch a movie while I'm trying to read or talk on the phone or IM or email someone or play with Mira or check on Cal...the list grows continuously.

For instance, right now I'm typing this and listening to "Anyone Else But You" sung by Michael Cera and Ellen Page. I keep swinging back and forth between listening to them and thinking about what I want to say. It's genuinely much easier to listen to music while typing than most other things.

I don't know. Last night I was talking to Dan Bliss (father of the Prince Harry look-alike winner, Matthew Bliss) and he was telling me he use to stay up all night reading a good book. Realize he was still up at 4:30 in the morning when he had to go to work at 7:30. (*It's 11:11 am. I'm going to make a wish. I wish that the guy who keeps showing up in my dreams would actually be real and show up in my actual waking life.*) I told him this was something I understand well. I do. If I find something I truly love nothing can stop my focus.

And maybe that's the key. I need to be in love with something in order to focus. Fear often makes me lose focus, but love drives out fear. Even in the simple things. If I fall in "love" with a book I will read it without thought to how it might break my heart by the end, and the same often applies to movies.

That's such a cheap example.

What about friendships and people? If I truly love a friend, little, if anything, distracts me from them. Projects for people I love are the easiest most often because I do them for the silliest of reasons...and sometimes for just plain good ones.

Crazy though I am, I firmly believe in showing love. Even if that love never gets returned. There's no point in holding love inside you when it needs to be given to someone else. When you love someone, that love no longer belongs to you anyway, it's theirs. Make sure you give it to them. That's my thought at least.

Well...that's trailed off a bit from where I started, but...that's not a huge surprise. This, after all, is just my jumbled heart and thoughts.

Favorite things of this very moment (11:20 am CST):

• Fairly Odd-Parents! (makes me miss my own personal Cosmo though...*sigh*...if only--let's skip it)
• My cellphone
• iTunes' shuffle function
• This blog, even when I'm a blithering idiot (which is more and more often it seems...)
• Tyler Hilton, Foreigner, soundtracks, and Coldplay

What's A Girl To Do?

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Favorite things of this very moment (8:45 am CST):

• Tyler Hilton
• Mom's comment that she's never seen me move as fast as I did this morning when she woke me up to tell me that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were going to be on the Today show
• Seeing Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart on the Today show
• Talking to Dan online this morning
• Knowing Nikky will have a box from me in hand by the end of today
• Having a discussion with Ben when I don't have nearly enough sleep and too much caffeine in my system
• The urge to dance badly, even when sleep deprived, caffeinated, and aching
• That this is sincerely my friend Dustin reincarnated into a movie villain, and not just any villain, but JAMES: http://www.bordersmedia.com/twilight/?cmpid=SL_20081120_REW#video

How should love be?

Honestly, what's it really supposed to be like? How are you supposed to know when you've found the right person? Obviously things aren't immediately going to go smoothly. Life doesn't work that way, and I have a sneaking suspicion that love doesn't either.

Do you know you're in love when all you want is for that other person to be happy? Does it become obvious when you what to sacrifice what you want in order that they're taken care of? Or does that just mean that you want to be a martyr?

I don't want to be a martyr. I want to find a way to love and love deeply, but the thing is, in order to do that, you have to find someone to love.

Here I am world.

I am lost, lonely, and aching for something more. At least somewhere deep down I am. Ironically, on the surface, for the people I meet, most of them don't see this side of me. I don't like it showing through. Savage intensity tends to scare people...go figure.

So what's a girl to do?

She writes. A lot. Lyrics, bad poetry, the occasional bit of good poetry, scripts, sketches, scenes from life, short stories, and works on books.

Maybe someday I'll have a tall dark outlet for this insanity. The kind that has a beautiful voice and likes to read books as much as I do and won't mind staring up into the night sky with me for hours...

Until then, I'll work on living.

No Shuffling And/Or Whimpering. Ever.

Favorite things of this very moment (10:36 am CST):

• Tyler Hilton
• Lunch invites from Dan (and Heather comes too!)
• Seriously horrible dancing interrupted when the person you're calling actually answers and you can't stop giggling for a full minute before you can actually talk to them...
• Good emails
• Pumpkin Spice mixed French Vanilla cappuccino.
• Sunshine

Today will be a good day. I can feel it in every breath I take.

There's something about autumn sunshine that breaks my heart and makes me new all at the same time. Like is shines through all the broken bits of a heart and makes it heal a bit faster. Almost like it's an adhesive of some kind bring it all back together.

Lately everything has been aching and hard to take. I was warned that relationships were hard from the very beginning. Especially when you're not actually with the person you adore, but instead find yourself in the position of their most trusted/beloved friend. Keepers of secrets and holder of their faith. Finding it hard to find balance between the best friend and all the desires of your heart.

My mom says that it's because I'm just like she was. Let's hope so. Her story ended well. Mine will too, however that works.

Courageous One

Favorite things of this very moment (11:11 pm CST, make a wish):

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• Having successfully completed the lastest of the many mixes I make (oh yeah, try saying that 3 times fast)
• The brilliance of Nikky's YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=pseudoindiequeen (check it out! Immediately, now!)
• Knowing I actually have plans to see Heather tomorrow
• Wearing long sleeves in July and surviving without heat stroke
• Chai tea
• Tyler Hilton. Period.

I wish I had something brilliant and witty to say this evening, but all I really have to say is that even those of us that are shy and lost can still find courage within us. I was recently told by 3 people whose advice, opinion, and love mean more to me than almost anything in the world that I was brave. Considering I've spent most of my growing up feeling a bit like the Cowardly Lion, it came as a bit of a shock, but it meant so much.

What it comes down to is the fact that having someone call you "courageous one" can actually help you believe that maybe, just maybe, you are brave. Or, at least, much braver than you initially believed.

I may not be the bravest, but I know that I'm believed in. And I know that someday someone will ask for me by name.