Passion, You Disarm Me

My problem is, and probably always will be, passion.

Passion that wants to change the world from the inside out.  Passion that wants to share a life with someone else starting at this very moment.  Passion that wants to feel deeply and run free.  Passion that wants to hold the heart of another person tightly and lavish it with everything I can.

I am drawn to the passion of others.  I find people most attractive when they are discussing what brings them the most joy.  I love listening to my friend, Jay talk about music and recording.  I love listening to my friend Amy talk about ministry and God.  The same can be said of my friend Jake.  With Jordan it is languages and computers and theology.  With Nikky it has always been about art and love and movies and language.  Sam undoes me when he sings or plays and talks music or people.

Each person, as Neil Gaiman once said, is full of their own secret worlds.  They may seem quiet and subdued, but each one of us has something inside of us that makes us beautiful.  We are all full of secrets and magic and light, but so few people will ever take the time to see that.

It's this secret inside the hearts of others that I find so beautiful.  What draws me most to people is when I see glimmers of this.

I cannot help but feel a little overwhelmed when I hear someone sing and I can hear the words resonate deep inside them.  It makes me ache and wish that I could find a way to see what make those words or that song mean what it does for them.

Focus

This morning I sat trying to read a friend's poem for about 5 or so minutes before realizing all I was catching was the briefest and most random of phrases and bits...it was like I was just seeing random words flash in front of my face. I couldn't for the life of me focus my attention on that poem. This type of distraction seems to happen more frequently all the time. I am sure that this is mostly my own fault. I tend to multitask a bit more often than necessary. Listen to music or watch a movie while I'm trying to read or talk on the phone or IM or email someone or play with Mira or check on Cal...the list grows continuously.

For instance, right now I'm typing this and listening to "Anyone Else But You" sung by Michael Cera and Ellen Page. I keep swinging back and forth between listening to them and thinking about what I want to say. It's genuinely much easier to listen to music while typing than most other things.

I don't know. Last night I was talking to Dan Bliss (father of the Prince Harry look-alike winner, Matthew Bliss) and he was telling me he use to stay up all night reading a good book. Realize he was still up at 4:30 in the morning when he had to go to work at 7:30. (*It's 11:11 am. I'm going to make a wish. I wish that the guy who keeps showing up in my dreams would actually be real and show up in my actual waking life.*) I told him this was something I understand well. I do. If I find something I truly love nothing can stop my focus.

And maybe that's the key. I need to be in love with something in order to focus. Fear often makes me lose focus, but love drives out fear. Even in the simple things. If I fall in "love" with a book I will read it without thought to how it might break my heart by the end, and the same often applies to movies.

That's such a cheap example.

What about friendships and people? If I truly love a friend, little, if anything, distracts me from them. Projects for people I love are the easiest most often because I do them for the silliest of reasons...and sometimes for just plain good ones.

Crazy though I am, I firmly believe in showing love. Even if that love never gets returned. There's no point in holding love inside you when it needs to be given to someone else. When you love someone, that love no longer belongs to you anyway, it's theirs. Make sure you give it to them. That's my thought at least.

Well...that's trailed off a bit from where I started, but...that's not a huge surprise. This, after all, is just my jumbled heart and thoughts.

Favorite things of this very moment (11:20 am CST):

• Fairly Odd-Parents! (makes me miss my own personal Cosmo though...*sigh*...if only--let's skip it)
• My cellphone
• iTunes' shuffle function
• This blog, even when I'm a blithering idiot (which is more and more often it seems...)
• Tyler Hilton, Foreigner, soundtracks, and Coldplay

The Reset Button

Favorite things of this very moment (12:33 pm CST):

• Dynamic Horizons Computer Services
• My wonderful long-sleeved brown/green wool sweater with the extra long sleeves that cover most of my hand and keep me feeling cozy
• Leaving insanely long and repetitive voicemails which include not only relevant information, but also things like pointless lists of things that I love (a good hat, dark chocolate, mix cds, Count Chocula, etc.)
• Bubble wrap
• Finding a box that is just the right size
• Kind parents who are willing to let you borrow their car when yours is in the shop
• Dragonflies
• Rings that remind you of your ideals and dreams for life
• Being officially out of Etter's Algebra-from-Hell class
• Switchfoot's "Beautiful Letdown" cd...sometimes you forget how much you love a set of songs...

I finally had Mr. Etter sign my withdrawal slip today. I'm so glad. It made me feel a little guilty though. I was waiting when he came in and he was smiling till he saw me. Like somehow I single handedly had just ruined his entire day. Maybe I had. I imagine having someone withdrawal from your class feels a bit like rejection, and I have a lot of experience with how that feels. It's not a pleasant thing, but you know, sometimes it happens.

Aaron didn't cause me to feel like I should implode or even hyperventilate today. He's back to normal and feeling much better. No suggestive comments, no meaningful stares, no longing in anyone's eyes. Just warmth, kindness, and laughter, like always. I'm so glad. I don't need to find myself questioning my beliefs and morals and values like that ever, ever again. At least not for such base reason. *shakes head* Sometimes I truly am an idiot.

The tall one has been left his weekly message. I realized last week that I call him each Friday. It's virtually the same message: "Are you coming over?" The thing is, I like to throw in my own special brand of insanity in each message. This weeks message included the "things I love" list which I posted examples of in my favorite things of this moment list earlier. Yeah...sometimes I amaze even me.

Today doesn't feel like anything deep or profound. Instead it seems kind of relaxed. That seems ironic considering I have already been to school, taken care of business with Etter, gone to the counseling office (of course they can't reschedule my appointment because they're only taking walk-in's at the moment...boo), and now I'm at Dynamic until 3. Then I will find myself running home and then running back out of the house to get to Kable by 3:30 so that I can get the last of my overtime in.

I think this sense of calm is from God. A peace that surpasses understanding. That's how I feel because I know that I should be worrying about something (at least that's how I act under normal circumstances of this kind), but it's like everything's in slow motion. This isn't a bad thing, instead it's allowing me to focus a little better on what is going on around me and to take it in and enjoy it at my own pace. A true thing of beauty. God is amazing.

God and I had a long talk last night, actually. This talk mainly discussed how I am an idiot. Lately I've fallen off the deep-end. This week I have been as far from happy with myself as I have been in a very long time. It's just like everything went haywire. I'm not really sure how I managed to let everything get this bad, but it did. A lot of things should not have been said or thought or considered or done. Yet I did them. Why was I rebelling like this? I'm not a teenager. There's no reason for this kind of immature behavior from me, but it seems to have been the theme of the week: stupid, impulsive, childish, and the worst was the thought process. Reigning in my thoughts should have been a higher priority, but I was lazy.

So I'm back to the beginning and moving forward. Cleared slate, and we'll see what I can make of it this time. God is gracious to the extreme and I truly don't deserve this kind of love and forgiveness.

Reset.

Life moves, and I'm moving with it.

Nothing Better

Favorite things of this very moment (12:01 pm CST):

• The above picture of Edward Cullen...*sighs*
• That Nikky is going to here TOMORROW
• Making boxes of bizarritey for people
• Fans
• Honest emails
• That a tree branch still hasn't landed on my car despite the many times and opportunities for that very event to happen recently during the crazy storms
• UHF and other completely ridiculous movies...

I've spent the past hour looking for pictures of Edward Cullen. I've managed to keep from reading most of the stuff about Twilight so far. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to go before I completely freak out. That movie should already be out in theaters. I so badly want to see it. So badly.

Nikky will be here tomorrow. This is good. Very good. Plus that means someone will be around who actually understands my deep and undying love of all things Twilight related. Oh yeah...it's going to be great. There will be bubble blowing, Twilight discussions, side walk chalk art, bad dancing, and so much more. It will be a totally amazing worthwhile experience.

Sadly...I have absolutely nothing valuable to say, so I'll leave you with this last bit of wisdom:

Baby Fish Mouth!