When Do I Give Up?

When do I give up?

It is late.  I should go to sleep.  I need to be up in about 6 hours.

I spent some solid time adulting today.  I balanced my checkbook.  I did laundry and dishes.  I sorted papers and got some stuff recycled.  I called a friend.  I did my homework for work.  I packed up my work bag for tomorrow.  I read quite a bit for the adult summer reading program.  I caught up on my Bible reading plans.  I ate some fruit.

But you know what, I don't know if any of that really makes me feel better.  Everything feels eerily quiet.  I have no doubt it is my own doing.  I have a bad habit of kind of shutting myself off from people at some point and not remembering the way back.

It's funny because I'm the person who will buy bobby pins and extra make up wipes to share with everyone in a show or pack baby wipes and extra mints and hand sanitizer because I know everyone will want them at camp, and I like doing this.  It makes me happy to make the people around me breathe easier even if they don't seem to realize why.  Normally I don't mind the quiet of no one noticing, but it would be nice if just one person did.

I am tired.  I am tired in the Dean Winchester sense of the word tired.  I am tired to my bones and carrying some sadness in them because I live too far away from the people I'm truly close to, and I have improbable luck with the good friends I have here.  Of course, that's probably my own fault as well.

Right now, even while typing this, I am composing a to do list in my head of all the things I need to do better at so that I can feel human again.  It's a list of places I feel I'm failing and all the things I'm so sure will cure these issues.  Tomorrow I'll wake up too early for my personal happiness and go to a job that feels fairly thankless and try to remind myself that I'm less than 2 weeks from my trip to Ohio.  Nothing else should matter.  I just need to survive till then.

Plus, tomorrow is another day, right?


Favorite things of this very moment (10:17pm CST):

• Having ordered my latest t-shirt from Represent for Jared Padalecki's AKF campaign benefiting the Orlando victims (at least I can do something to help, even if it's not nearly enough)
• Fans
• My black bermuda shorts (even if it still seems weird to be wearing them...such weird pale legs)
• The adult summer reading program at the Mt. Morris Public Library
• Agnes & the Hitman
• My paycheck (not huge, but it's something)
• Calle's advice on boys
• Polite, if somewhat heartbreaking, response back from adorable boy I thought might be a good thing (apparently not, but he was kind)
• Having the aggravation known as Care to Learn's done on time
• Cool night air which should mean I sleep tonight 

Really, Girl. Do It.

Note to Self:

Seriously give up guys this year. Just work on your heart and abs and leave guys alone. You're not in a place to deal with them. They aren't interested in you, and you need to stop running yourself full-speed into the wall of rejection. Put your heart someplace safe for awhile so you're not tempted to give it to the next jerk who flirts with you or seems kind. When a guy finally shows up and asks for your heart, then you can decide whether or not you want to give it to him. Until then, just stop. 

Learn your darn ukelele. Buy yourself good clothes. Learn more Italian words. Write letters. Save money. Just take care of you. Even if you just manage to do this for the rest of the year...it would give your heart a chance to heal, and maybe you'd hear God a little more clearly. 

You've got this. 

(76) Leaves & Roots

You shouldn't be on my mind
you walked out, remember?
But in a day or two
I'll have to see you
& I'm wondering
if I'm strong enough to do this

Every cliche
runs through my head
& I'm still just looking
for a hand to hold
& someone to not feel
like my presence & adoration
is some kind of burden

You use to make me feel
lighter than a leaf
in the wind,
but like that leaf
I came crashing down again

I want roots
to grow where I've landed
but I don't think
I was meant
to do this single-handed

how many times
do I have to fall
before someone picks me up
& actually holds on?

with all that is beautiful
in my life, it's not fair
to feel so blue
but I'm still waiting

waiting for...?

My Heart Speaks in Whisper

Another smiling face

a lovey-dovey status

One more picture 

engagement rings,

wedding plans

I'm not the only lonely

heart tonight

but this aching heart

& empty house

make it feel that way

The safe bets & sure things

prove themselves untrue

& I wonder if anything stable

is really sure

or will those rules change too

Don't let me rain on your parade

or lessen your joy

or tear you down

My gloom will pass

I'll get away

And really, each new love

sparked & shining out

in this dark space

guides me toward hope

& a fire of my own

Not Dead Yet, Heart's Still Beating

Ah, such a fool I am.

Such a fool.

Heart, picked apart

the pieces strewn across the floor

That's what I have been 

waiting on

but this is new

different.

This heart is in a million pieces

But this heart is beating 

held together.

Tied together,

held in place

Love hasn't left me yet.

Tangible

Tired. So tired.
How can I be so wonderful
when every man goes to someone else's arms
Dear friend, wonderful, lovely
All have kind words
All seek my grace and help
I am sought for hope, for encouragement, advice
but never pursued or loved
You can't hurry love, right?
You just have to wait
So blessed, but still wanting more
My heart longs and breaks for
something tangible to hold

But Sometimes It Hurts Instead

Favorite Things about this Very Moment (11:46 am CST):

• Starbucks Vanilla Doubleshot Energy
• "You've got this" texts from Kimmie (do you know how much I love you, Kim?  Honestly, I do.)
• The Wreckers singing me their perfect blend of sassy and heartbroken country
• Adele (Oh Adele, 21 IS my heart)
• Knowing it's not just me that feels super awkward about the engagement announcement from this week
• Sunshine outside
• Getting paid to hang out in Baskets and talk to the wonderful people that come into Conover and my shop
• Knowing I'll be getting paid twice this week.  Party & bonus
• The immense kindness & love from amazing people like Nikky, Kimmie, Amber, Regina, Hilary, Heather, & Jay
• Jordan Durham, an altogether hilarious experience
• Having next weekend's Refuge trip to look forward to

This week has been a lot of things, and I feel like me being sick was a strange sort of blessing.  It allowed me to be home when I found out the boy I have been in love with since I the night I met him wearing that ridiculous Han Solo costume that no one but me seemed to recognize was engaged.  But it is more than that, he's engaged to someone who makes me nervous down to my very soul.  It has been a rough week.

Even so, I feel like I am taking all of this better than any of us could have imagined.  This may, in part, be due to the fact that I've been living with the feeling like this day would come for the past...oh...4 or so months.  I really thought he'd propose at Christmas or New Year's.  I forgot about Valentine's Day.  How odd to forget it...hmmm...

I've gotten everything that reminds me of him packed away and out of site.  Mixes, pictures, the bracelet he made me, speed dial... He's hidden, but he's not forgotten.  It finally really started to hit yesterday while I was at work by myself typing.  I had been able to find a way to distract myself every moment until then, and suddenly I had to face that this was real. 

I am never going to get greeted by him smiling right after he's gotten up, never going to be the person he wants with him to run errands in the middle of the night, never going to lay next to him watching cartoons, never going to be the person that makes him light up when I walk into a room...it is apparently not in the cards.

Life alternates between dark and light a lot right now.  I realized I have avoided all things romantic even though I am a romantic through and through and usually I watch a lot of sappy movies at this time of year.  Instead I am reading The Hobbit (which is great, but no romance) and watching things like Sandlot, UHF, and Monsters Inc. This is probably really healthy for me, but one of these days I am thinking this will probably break too.

Mom says maybe I am realizing that this is better for me already, but I don't know if that's it.  Letting go of all of this is letting go of a lot of hope.  I want to do that, but I want to replace it with faith that something better is on the horizon and that God has got other plans.  Sometimes that's hard to comprehend, and, on top of this, I am worried about this decision in how it will truly change his life and the lives of his brother and his fiancee.  I feel guilty for thanking God that I at least won't have to see him at family functions for the rest of my life with this girl that breaks my heart.  He's not even the same guy that I was friends with anymore.  He changed for this girl, but not in good ways. 

Hear ye, hear ye, I shall bestow upon you words from my parents who are always wise in the ways of love and marriage:

"You shall only marry someone who brings out the very best in you, that you also bring out the best in."

He's not doing that.

He is not my heart.  He is not my light.  He is not my life.  I will move on.  I will be stronger.

I will sing "Someone Like You" to myself until I mean it entirely, not just the part of it that says for me it isn't over, but also the part that says I wish nothing but the best...

All the Words that I Wanted to Sing Got Replaced with a Wedding Ring...

He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane. I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind & mercy.  When all of the sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.

David Crowder*Band totally speaks my heart.

Today I am grateful for love like a hurricane that bends but doesn't break me but instead points out to me that I am loved by the Creator of the Universe.  I need His love so desperately today.

There is a great Matthew Mayfield song called "Fire Escape" which I believe I have mentioned in other posts, and the song ends with him saying, "All the words that I wanted to sing got replaced with a wedding ring."  I have had that song playing in the back of my mind for ages and ages now  with the hopes that this wouldn't be my song.  This song wouldn't be always playing in the back of my mind.  Today it finally becomes mine.

by Andre Jordan

All the words that I wanted to sing...they were replaced with an engagement ring.  And God only knows how long they'll be replaced with wedding rings and vows.

"Fire Escape" won't always be my song.  One of these days it will fade and I'll be able to have something else echoing with joy through the back of my mind.  For tonight though, I will let myself mourn the loss of a best friend who chose a path none of us expected, who chose to cut me out of his life virtually every way he could have, and who is now engaged.

R.S.B, my dear friend, my sunshine and heart, I wish you happiness.  I pray that God blesses you, my dear.  That He gives you clarity of mind and heart so that you can make good decisions that will bring you love and bring you closer to Him daily.  If this woman truly brings you closer to God and brings out the best in you and your heart, than I ask that He would bless your relationship as well.  I just want you to be healthy and happy.  You are something good.  Really, you are.  Please never doubt that.  I love you.

And now, I think I will crank some better tunes, try to sleep, and keep my phone off for awhile.  Things will be better in the morning.

A Fool's View from the Fire Escape:

1. Lost Love - Mindy Smith
2. Fire Escape - Matthew Mayfield
3. Kill - Jimmy Eat World
4. What I Know - Parachute
5. I Caught Myself - Paramore
6. You Keep Me Hanging On - The Supremes
7. Make Me Wanna Die - The Pretty Reckless
8. Missing You - Tyler Hilton
9. The Kill - 30 Seconds to Mars
10. Leave the Pieces - The Wreckers
11. Hopeless - Train
12. Your Time is Gonna Come - Led Zeppelin
13. Friends Don't Let Friends Dial Drunk - Plain White T's
14. How's It Gonna Be - Third Eye Blind
15. Your New Twin Sized Bed - Death Cab for Cutie
16. So Close - Jon McLaughlin
17. Moonlight Kiss - Bap Kennedy
18. Coffee & Cigarettes - Michelle Featherstone
19. (If You Want It) - Relient K
20. I'm Gonna Find Another You - John Mayer

It's been a long hot summer and I'm still trying to leave you alone.  I heard the cold wind say I was a fool to stay, but I did.  I did. I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away. I can't help it, baby, this is who I am.  I can't just turn off how I feel.  And I'm not certain of the way it was.  And I'm not sure what I could have done... I had to stop myself from saying something that I should have never thought.  You're not the one I believe in.  I don't know what I want.  You don't want me all yourself, so let me find someone else.  You don't really love me.  You just keep me hanging on.  And I'll never be good enough.  Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath.  I'm still standing here and you're miles away.  And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart.  It's my heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight.  You said you wanted more, what are you waiting for?  I'm not running from you.  Look in my eyes, you're killing me, killing me.  All I wanted was you.  You're not sure that you love me but you're not sure enough to let me go.  Baby, it ain't fair to just keep me hanging 'round.  It's alright, ya, I'll be fine.  Just take your love and hit the road.  There's nothing you can do or say, you're gonna break my heart anyway...  Everything has changed around here.  I'd tell it to your face, but you lost your face along the way.  And I'd say it on the phone if I thought you were alone.  Why do things have to change?  One of these days, and it won't be long, you'll look for me and I'll be gone.  Do what you want.  I can't feel you anymore.  You can say all these beautiful things, but they mean nothing.  You gotta back it up.  I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore.  How's it gonna be when you see that I'm not there?  It's the silence I can't ignore.  I use to think that someone would come along and lay beside me in the space that they belong, but the other side of the mattress...the box springs they stayed like new.  What's the point of holding onto what never gets used?  All that I wanted was to hold you so close, and I almost believe that this one's not pretend.  We are so close, so close and still so far.  I can feel my heart.  It's fit to burst.  I tried to clean it up.  But it just gets worse.  I wish I could fall, on a night like this, into your loving arms for a moonlight kiss.  I hate to say it hasn't helped me yet.  I thought my problems would just disappear and all my pain would be in yesterday.  I watched my bad habits get flushed away.  I thought that would keep my head on straight and all my pain would be in yesterday.  But it's true, I'm still blue.  But I finally know what to do.  I must quit.  I must quit you.  I can't keep a straight face and say this is not the end.  Cuz this is the end if you want it.  You're not the first thing in my life I've loved and lost.  There are worse things that I might be less inclined to just shrug off.  I am convincing myself that I'm worthwhile because I know that I'm worth what I convince myself to be.  I took the fire escape and made it out.  I still burn from time to time, but I am healing.  It's really over.  You made your stand.  You got me crying.  But when my loneliness is through I'm gonna find another you.  You might have your reasons, but you will never have my rhyme.  I'm going to sing my way away from you.  I'm gonna find another you.  I hope he's nicer too.  So go on baby, make your little get away.  Now I'm going to dress myself for two.  Once for me and once for someone new.  I'm going to do some things you wouldn't let me do.  And I'm gonna find another you.

Here's to hope.

The Wind Was Right

If I knew you would show
I could wait forever
but that light in your eyes
makes me think never

The porch is cold
and all the lights are out
you'd think the stars would show
but they're not shining now

So I'm reeling in these hopes and dreams
packing up my wishes and schemes
because you're not coming to meet me
anymore

Passion, You Disarm Me

My problem is, and probably always will be, passion.

Passion that wants to change the world from the inside out.  Passion that wants to share a life with someone else starting at this very moment.  Passion that wants to feel deeply and run free.  Passion that wants to hold the heart of another person tightly and lavish it with everything I can.

I am drawn to the passion of others.  I find people most attractive when they are discussing what brings them the most joy.  I love listening to my friend, Jay talk about music and recording.  I love listening to my friend Amy talk about ministry and God.  The same can be said of my friend Jake.  With Jordan it is languages and computers and theology.  With Nikky it has always been about art and love and movies and language.  Sam undoes me when he sings or plays and talks music or people.

Each person, as Neil Gaiman once said, is full of their own secret worlds.  They may seem quiet and subdued, but each one of us has something inside of us that makes us beautiful.  We are all full of secrets and magic and light, but so few people will ever take the time to see that.

It's this secret inside the hearts of others that I find so beautiful.  What draws me most to people is when I see glimmers of this.

I cannot help but feel a little overwhelmed when I hear someone sing and I can hear the words resonate deep inside them.  It makes me ache and wish that I could find a way to see what make those words or that song mean what it does for them.

Good Night, Moon

I keep staring at my phone like something is going to change and happen. Go figure, eh?

This week has been interesting. The past few have been interesting.

Let's catch up:

1. For Nikky & Yan's wedding, I learned how to tie bow ties. I am crazy proud of this for some reason. Maybe it's just because it's such a random skill, and I'm a fan of those. Whatever the reason, I'm thrilled to know this, and Yan's best man, Fred was adorable about it. He kept his tied through everything that night and told me that he was afraid to untie it because it looked so good and he knew he wouldn't be able to do it again.


2. Today I got texting on my phone. David and I got a new plan that's just the two of us. I'm a little nervous about that. The plan is fairly basic. I won't go over in minutes because I rarely talk on the phone, but the texting makes me a little nervous. Anyone on Verizon is welcome and able to text me and send me as many pictures as they darn well please, buuuut if they don't have that...it's going to make it a problem. David's girlfriend doesn't have Verizon either, so I am going to try and let him have most of the regular text messaging rights. I have no one like that, so yeah...although, the boy I want has Verizon, so maybe this will work out alright.


3. Sam kinda kills me.


4. As a reminder, Jordan Durham is my musical soul mate. For serious (as Joel says).


5. I am not returning to ABC until spring semester. That's tearing me up inside every other day. It's hard to explain exactly why to be honest. I know I need to finish up my degree at the college, but sometimes I wonder why God's saying "Wait." I'm trying to keep my eyes open because I'm clearly missing something.


6. David saw me rereading Agnes & the Hitman for the 7th(?) time the other night, and I told him I always see the people I would cast for the various parts when I read it: Mark Wahlberg as Shane, Reese Witherspoon as Agnes, Matthew McConaughy as Taylor, etc. He asked why I don't just right the screenplay. I've been toying with the idea ever since. I just am totally unsure of how you would go about starting that, especially when it's someone else's book. May have to do some looking into that.


7. My room still looks like the victim of a natural disaster and I'm struggling to motivate myself to change it. I know I need to finish unpacking and actually set up my life here, but it's really hard to do. I just feel overwhelmed, and it makes me want to throw everything but my books out and start over. In reality though, I don't think that would really cure anything. I think it would just be another way of avoiding the reality of this current situation, and I really just need to embrace this and find the joy.


8. I received a letter in the mail this week from one of my family group girls from FUEL this year. Marisa sent me a beautiful letter and a bracelet she'd made and told me exactly what had stuck with her from all the things I said while we were at FUEL. The whole week I worried that I was saying too much and that the girls were just glazing over. I kept praying that God would give me all the words I needed to be saying to them. He came through for me as he always does. It was so cool to see how God touched one of my girls' hearts and see what kind of change it's making. God does amazing, amazing things.


9. I've been reminded of how awesome my friends here at home are. Jay and Morgan especially. Jay is coming to the house for our first front porch talk since I've been home (how on earth we managed to go the whole summer without one still confuses me), and hopefully it will catch us both up on each others' lives a bit. We need that. And Morgan, sweet, hilarious Morgan. Morgan has been good at reminding me that we need to spend time together, and that dinner each week always brings me joy and helps me to walk away smiling about something. God blesses me so much.


10. Books. Beloved, wonderful, glorious books. I've been staring at my shelves again, and I'm realizing that I really am finally breaking my book collection down to EXACTLY what I love best. Everything else is given away or returned to the original owner with lovely thank you notes or donated to the library. The collection may shrink, but now it's easier to see who I really am. I love the worn binding on many of my books and the scribbled notes and highlighted portions of each of them. Each is so loved.

This is but a tiny, tiny portion of my life right now, but it's still what's going on. You needed to know. I needed to say it. And now:

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (12:31 am CST):

• "Bella's Lullaby" by Carter Burwell


• "New Moon (The Meadow)" by Alexandre Desplat


• "Jacob's Theme" by Howard Shore


• My wonderful friend, Amy's adorable, brilliant new blog: http://lovesewbeautiful.blogspot.com/


• Texting (I still miss the iPod, but this will do for now)


• Knowing my bed is a few feet away and in a few more moments, I'll be asleep there


• The much cooler weather

For a Moment

Imagine for a moment that you have a deep knife wound or cut. It's not fatal, but it's very painful. It's been stitched up and it's healing slowly.

Imagine now that about the time it starts really healing that someone walks up and, without warning, rips the stitches out in one clean motion.

That...that's exactly what this is like.

Every time my heart begins to feel like the ache is slowly healing and easing away, like I'll get over you...that it won't break my heart that you're dating someone who cannot possibly want anything good or be after your good...

The stitches get ripped out again.

Heal me or leave me, baby. I'm tired of this wound and I'm tried of not being able to heal. And I hate having dreams that make me restless and more tired in the morning than I was when I finally got to sleep.

Take me and heal me or simply leave me. Get out of my dreams and thoughts and all of it. Or come and claim me completely.

The in between can't be healthy.

Save me or set me free.

Whatever the case, stop pulling my stitches out and leaving me open...

And Now I Can Be Free

Dear Glawar,

In the past few weeks I have been thinking about you a lot. I know that things between us will never be the way they use to be, but I do need to get a few things out of my system.

I was sitting in my marriage and family counseling class last week, and a strange situation was brought up, and my professor told me that I should really work on getting to the root cause of the problem. What was the issue you might ask? Well, a friend of mine tried to touch the back of my knee. He was teasing me, and I know that, but without even thinking I turned and slapped him so hard that it left the imprint of 3 of my fingers on his arm. Fortunately he just thought this was hilarious and brushed it off and even apologized for startling me. I still feel really bad about it. I should not have reacted that violently. The more I've thought about it, the more I realized that this is partially due to the relationship you and I had.

Do you remember all the times I tried to touch you? I didn't want you to do anything crazy, and I never tried to pressure you into doing anything wrong. All I ever wanted was for you to put your arms around me, to hold my hand, to kiss me. I just wanted to know that you found me desirable in some way. There was never a time in our relationship that I didn't want to be close to you. I wanted to touch you. You had the most beautiful red hair, and you never wanted me to touch it because you were afraid I would mess it up. You had lips that I gladly would have spent all day kissing, but you would barely let me peck you on the lips. You had hands that I could have studied and held for forever, but you could only hold still with me for so long. You had a back that I gladly would have rubbed every knot out of, but you never seemed to feel I was good enough to do that.

I have spent the past 7 years gradually becoming more and more aloof from people physically, and after really thinking about this, I've realized a lot of this comes from the fact that I am terrified of being rejected. I no longer believe anyone could want me to touch them. The repeated rejection from you when you would reject me and then a few minutes later tell me that you couldn't wait till we were married...it didn't add up. How could someone want to marry someone that they never wanted to be physically close to? How could you want me when you never seemed to be interested in showing it? How could you want me when I spent every day being rejected by you?

I don't think you ever realized what you were doing to my heart, and I know there are a lot of reasons for why you did this, but I need to be able to forgive you for the part you played in breaking my heart and causing me to lose faith in my abilities and desirability.

Do you know how hard it is to believe that someone could ever want me to touch them or love them when in the back of my head I can only hear your rejections? I still remember the first and only time you ever thoroughly let me kiss you. We were standing in the darkness of your driveway and you'd walked me to my car, and I remember staring up at the stars for a long time with you. I remember thinking that those millions of stars couldn't compare the the beauty of the man I loved, and you kissed me. It was beautiful and passionate and I wanted it to be every moment for the rest of our lives together like this, but instead it ended up being the only time you ever let me kiss you like that. I remember you ended the kiss, and while I was thrilled and hungry for more, you told me that it wasn't a good kiss. You NEVER let me kiss you again. From that moment on I barely got a real kiss out of you. Do you realize the remaining 8 months of our relationship had barely any passion to them?

I told myself time after time after time that you really did want me. That this would change after we were married.

And I believed it. I believed in you. I believed in your crazy plans and I believed that you really did want to marry me. I believed that shortly after we graduated that you would propose, and that as soon as we could after that, you would marry me. I believed that when we were married, you would let me kiss you all the time. Not those passionless kisses, but real fiery kisses. Kisses that would turn my insides out. I believed that after we got married I'd get to touch you because at that point you'd want me to. I let myself believe that you were just trying to protect my purity and your own.

How could I have been so blind? How on earth could I have let you reject me all that time and never catch the obvious fact that you didn't love me at all? I might as well have been dating a love song. You were all words and flowery statements, but you weren't a real person.

And you let me apologize for everything. You made me feel guilty for loving you. For wanting you. You made me feel guilty when I was trying to do nice things for you like write you love notes. You wouldn't even read them, and then you'd act like it was silly for me to waste my time writing these things to you because clearly you already knew anything I was going to say. Why on earth did I need to repeat myself? And if I ever asked you to do anything...like actually show me any kind of love at all...this was my own issue. You didn't need me to show my love, so why on earth should I need it?

Or how about all the times you flirted with other girls? You were always flirting with someone else, and if I ever questioned it or told you it made me feel uncomfortable and jealous you would tell me I was being silly because you were going to marry me. Why should I feel jealous when obviously you loved me? And I believed it.

It's been almost 7 years since we broke up, and I still bear scars from every rejection, lie, and excuse you ever gave me.

I'm sorry it's taken me all these years to just say this, but darling, I still love you. I will never let you have my heart again, but I do love you. I still see good in you that I think you forget exists, and I do forgive you for this. I think all that I've been through, and all that I went through with you, it's made me a far stronger person. It's also made me a lot more understanding and helpful for other people who have been through painful relationships like ours.

If I ever hurt you, I am truly sorry for this. I'm sorry that I wasn't what you needed, and I'm sorry that I assumed you were who I was meant to love. I hope someday we both find what we really need, and that God heals our hearts.

Love you always & forever,
Minas

I Need You.

(The above photo: Explorations 1 by Cole Rise)

For my Marriage and Family Counseling class, I have been reading John Gray, Ph. D.'s book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The fourth chapter is on motivating the opposite sex. Everything he has said about women so far is dead on. The worst part is that as I'm reading this I'm realizing how bitter, angry, and distrustful I've become of men in the past 10 years.

I was reading through this today questioning if it was possible to find a guy who really does want to take care of a girl. I turned to Amber and Regina and asked where these guys are hiding. Where are these men that want to actually take care of the woman in their lives? Have I missed them entirely?

It makes me frustrated because I know I sound so terrible and bitter for saying that, but I'm feeling the aching in my chest, staring at the scars that cover my heart and hope, and I am reliving the rejections I've dealt with all through growing up. I've had a couple boyfriends, and I'm not saying they were bad guys, but they weren't mature enough to take care of me. One of them is a cause of more wounds and brokenness than I can explain and the rejections of that relationship and the hollowed out spaces in my heart that he left...I've never figured out how to fully heal those.

God made men and women differently, and I'm glad. We're different physically, emotionally, and mentally in ways. These are good things. They enhance our friendships and relationships. We're interlocking puzzle pieces that fit together to make something even greater.

My problem would be the walls. After facing the pain of so many rejections, I have developed a facade which seems like such a joke most of the time, but I wonder how many people are willing to believe in my silence. Do people really believe I'm this strong? Or brave? Or kind? Or any of the things that I try to put across...

Truthfully, I am tired, worn, scared, scarred, aching, lonely, and desperately holding onto the flicker of hope that says that there's someone out there that will want to spend the rest of a lifetime with me. Someone I can count on. Someone who will laugh with me, but be willing to hold me when I feel like I'm falling apart.

Someone who will hold me when I feel all the wounds reopening so that I don't fall apart.

I'm praying it happens soon because I don't know how much longer I can hold out. My hope may flicker out.