My Heart is Tired

My heart is tired. 

I'm listening to the violent whirring of the fan in the total black of The Dark Room, but can't seem to drown out all the noise in my head. 

I want to move to Ohio, but I have to deal with medical tests and finding a job (anyone else feeling the deja vu here?) before that can become a potential reality. I feel like God is totally silent right now and I'm struggling to keep up my end of the conversation because way too many people are already silent in my life and I'm exhausted at the thought of another one-sided conversation. The guy I'd been trying to invest in not only disappeared on me for several weeks, but doesn't seem the least bit interested in seeing me at all (which sounds like it's connected to another girl, surprise). I want to ask for people to be praying that I won't be alone forever and that the right guy shows up, but I feel like a 13-year-old girl and desperate for wanting someone to share my life with; plus the last time I asked people I respected and trusted to do that they all acted like a was an idiot and childish for asking (thank you for shaming me for having the desire for marriage and a partner to walk through life with already married people). 

All I really want is to close my eyes and sleep through the night, and then wake up to go buy doughnuts and coffee. I don't want to think about how I brought my favorite dress to wear in hopes that a guy who won't even remember I exist, and I don't want to think about my job or doctor's visits. Instead, I want to think about the fact I get the rest of this week to play with my godsons and my niece. I will work on being fully present. 

Now, to try again to silence the noise and get some sleep. 

Night y'all. 

Ps. My favorite things of this very moment (1:27 AM EST):

• Conor, Quinlan, and Ellie

• The hurricane fan and The Dark Room

• An abundance of pillows

• The very concept of show bunnies

• Good Mythical Morning (look it up on YouTube if you'd like to laugh hysterically)

• Actually taking my medicine twice today

WHEN

There comes a point when I feel selfish asking for prayer. You want to know what the deepest desire of my heart is? To have a man in my life that will let me invest all my love in him who will pursue my heart. 

No, I'm not done no online dating anymore. I don't think I could do it again. I just found out this past week has that one of the other guys (beyond the Thibault fiasco) I was trying to talk to was a fake account as well. As a person who's big issue is trust, somehow this kinda destroys my abilit to think online dating is an option. 

The fact that my closest friends all keep trying to tell me that sex isn't really all that great isn't really helping much these days either. I don't care. I don't care if you don't really like sex. I don't care. You at least have the option, and you have another human being that finds you desirable. The last couple times a guy has claimed I was desirable it was only in a vain attempt to try to seduce me by making incredibly crude suggestions without knowing anything about me. Pass. I may have the sex drive of a 17-year-old boy, but at least I also can say no. I would like sex, but within the context of a marriage to someone who believes I am the only one they want to choose till the end of time. 

I have been alone for 11 years now. Parts of it have been spent waiting on various men or pursuing them, but nothing has really come from this other than a few more cuts and one pretty dang deep scar. I spend a lot of time cheering on other people's hearts and convincing them to be brave. I don't want anyone else to feel hopeless or alone. 

People tell me to say WHEN I get married. Not if, WHEN. But when you're halfway through a week where you've got $21 till payday, your check engine light on (but you keep forgetting to call the shop), a heatwave but no AC, an ex who you just found out is now in porn (and is super upset that you found out), a new job to find, a move to figure out, and on and on...makes me wonder if being alone is better. Why would anyone want to be pulled into the messy, fluid, wandering life I've created. 

WHEN. 

Maybe. 

When Do I Give Up?

When do I give up?

It is late.  I should go to sleep.  I need to be up in about 6 hours.

I spent some solid time adulting today.  I balanced my checkbook.  I did laundry and dishes.  I sorted papers and got some stuff recycled.  I called a friend.  I did my homework for work.  I packed up my work bag for tomorrow.  I read quite a bit for the adult summer reading program.  I caught up on my Bible reading plans.  I ate some fruit.

But you know what, I don't know if any of that really makes me feel better.  Everything feels eerily quiet.  I have no doubt it is my own doing.  I have a bad habit of kind of shutting myself off from people at some point and not remembering the way back.

It's funny because I'm the person who will buy bobby pins and extra make up wipes to share with everyone in a show or pack baby wipes and extra mints and hand sanitizer because I know everyone will want them at camp, and I like doing this.  It makes me happy to make the people around me breathe easier even if they don't seem to realize why.  Normally I don't mind the quiet of no one noticing, but it would be nice if just one person did.

I am tired.  I am tired in the Dean Winchester sense of the word tired.  I am tired to my bones and carrying some sadness in them because I live too far away from the people I'm truly close to, and I have improbable luck with the good friends I have here.  Of course, that's probably my own fault as well.

Right now, even while typing this, I am composing a to do list in my head of all the things I need to do better at so that I can feel human again.  It's a list of places I feel I'm failing and all the things I'm so sure will cure these issues.  Tomorrow I'll wake up too early for my personal happiness and go to a job that feels fairly thankless and try to remind myself that I'm less than 2 weeks from my trip to Ohio.  Nothing else should matter.  I just need to survive till then.

Plus, tomorrow is another day, right?


Favorite things of this very moment (10:17pm CST):

• Having ordered my latest t-shirt from Represent for Jared Padalecki's AKF campaign benefiting the Orlando victims (at least I can do something to help, even if it's not nearly enough)
• Fans
• My black bermuda shorts (even if it still seems weird to be wearing them...such weird pale legs)
• The adult summer reading program at the Mt. Morris Public Library
• Agnes & the Hitman
• My paycheck (not huge, but it's something)
• Calle's advice on boys
• Polite, if somewhat heartbreaking, response back from adorable boy I thought might be a good thing (apparently not, but he was kind)
• Having the aggravation known as Care to Learn's done on time
• Cool night air which should mean I sleep tonight 

I'm Tired.

You ever say one thing when you mean something totally different?  I do this on a daily basis.  Most of the time it's unintentional.  Usually it's me trying to answer someone's questions about how I feel about something.  I'll get done answering their question only to realize that I said one thing and that it probably meant closer to the exact opposite of what I meant or at least it was different enough to cause confusion.

Sometimes my brain just does this great thing where it automatically reroutes my answers so that I can tell people generic things in an attempt to protect them from me.  After I say something aloud it sometimes hits me that I just lied to someone about how I feel.  I hate it.  If I'm lucky I can catch myself and restate my answer.  Especially if it is to someone I know genuinely wants to know the truth.

Lately this has become a real struggle for me.

I find myself telling one specific lie over and over and over again.  I think it's just my brain's way of trying to derail a conversation and throw off any kind of suspicion before anyone can worry.  "I'm tired," I'll say looking directly into your eyes.  Lie.  Not complete, but not truly honest.  I don't sleep.  I've always had trouble sleeping, and when my depression or stress or anxiety gets the better of me, I'll start the cycle of sleeplessness all over again.  So it's not a full lie, I mean, I am tired.  Often exhausted, but the problem is, when you ask me how I am, I usually have about a million other feelings that are more unsettling or louder than just being tired.  I just don't always know how to express it.

I am tired, but I am also fighting.  Daily.  I'm fighting to be the best version of myself I can be.  I'm fighting to keep finding light through the darkness.  I'm fighting to see the good and not dwell on the bad.  I'm often lonely, and that's why I'm trying so hard to connect with other people.  That's why I try to make everyone around me laugh and why I try to write encouraging notes and remember the details about other people...I don't want anyone around me to feel this ache I feel.  I don't want anyone else to feel like this.  I am tired, but I feel like if I express to someone else the depth of the sadness or the level of anger I feel that it will frighten them.  My heart is the Mariana Trench when it comes to emotions and often the ones I feel deepest are the farthest in that trench and I try to keep them there.  I have them sunk in those inky depths for a reason, and it's probably because I think I'm protecting everyone else from me.  No one wants to listen to someone talk about their anger or sadness or depression, so instead of telling you that I feel hurt or alone or depressed or angry or frustrated or trapped I'll just tell you I'm tired.

Is any of this healthy?  No.  Not really.  I know this, and I'm trying to find a safe place to deal with it, but in the meantime I'll continue to write these weird blog posts that help me empty out my head like I do my pockets at the end of the day.  Hopefully they'll help someone else feel a little less alone, and maybe we can talk about it.

Still Life

Sometimes I wish that you would 

Find the girl you are

Meant to be with

So I can stop confusing 

Myself with your future. 

I am tired 

Of always saying 

Goodbye 

To my best friend

So if you're not mine

You're more than welcome

To leave at any time 

But leave the pieces 

Of my heart where you

Found them

Plagiarizing Love

Dear Fictional Charcter/Real Liar,

You broke my heart. You did. I know it's stupid because I only talked to you for a couple of weeks, but I believed in you. 

Do you have any idea what a struggle it is for me on a daily basis to believe in myself? Any idea how long it takes me to really trust another person? How about how many times I've been left alone by liars?

No, of course you don't. Why would you put someone you don't know through something that will break their heart yet again and cause them to retreat a little further into their shell? 

I keep telling myself this isn't a big deal. You were probably just a jerk who was trying to steal someone's identity, but part of me is terrified. What would've happened if I had asked you to meet me alone? You weren't who you claimed to be, so would you have shown up? Are you a serial killer? Were you planning to assault me in some way? I don't have money or connection, so there's no real benefit to messing with me. 

I just don't understand why you'd be so cruel. 

I thought you were so kind. It's been a long time since I had encountered someone so kind. You asked questions and listened to my answers. You seemed so real. It's been years since I had any hope, and I finally felt a spark reigniting in the quiet of my heart. 

But you aren't real. You're a series of someone else's pictures with new words. Plagiarizing love. 

The worst part is how I so desperately wish it had been real. You were all the things I longed for. Well, the character you'd created sure was. I guess it just goes to prove I want something that's too good to be real. Could this be more painful?

Oh right, it's also embarrassing because I'd actually told a few people about you in an attempt to get good advice and figure out what I needed to do to pursue a relationship with you. Explaining what happened has been a delight. Everyone is now heartbroken for me and the looks of concern and pity have been fun. Even better when they're replaced by confusion on why I can't just get over this since the relationship I was developing with you wasn't real anyway...

Alone, alone, alone, alone...

Why couldn't you have just left me alone? Ignored me like any other guy? At least then I would be stuck with the loneliness I'm accustom to and not the loneliness of knowing how great it feels when you believe someone wants you and sees you and wants you to know them fully. Why did you have to make me aware of what I want, but can't have?

I hope you see this come back around to you because I don't know what else I can do. 

Sigh,

Jaymin

All You Had to Do Was Not Mess Up

This has been a complicated couple of weeks compounded in to this last few surreal days. 

I fell hard for a guy I met online. Which was an asinine thing to do, but I don't think I realized just how lonely I'd let myself become. You spend years walking alone, and then someone shows up who makes you feel hope when you'd forgotten entirely what that feels like...it's difficult not to fall. Suddenly I was interesting to someone who was smart and kind and polite and funny. I'd forgotten what it was like to feel wanted and desired. 

So I let myself start to believe that maybe maybe this was going to be different. This guy would stick around maybe. He wouldn't decide to date my roommate or marry the first girl who would sleep with him or decide I was just a little sister or his best friend or that he was gay or cheat on me. No. Not this guy. He was actually going to be an actual human man with a functioning heart and morals. 

Hahaha

But it wasn't to be. Instead, he turns out to be some creep impersonating some other guy on the Internet. I've spent more time crying in the past couple days than I've done in years. I hate crying. I hate feeling like I'm an idiot because I let myself hope for something. I hate that I'm making people who love me worry because suddenly they're seeing how broken I am because this exposed all the cracks in me. I hate that this wasn't real. 

Just once I'd love to see what the real thing is like. To get a chance a relationship like my folks have or my brother and sister-in-law have or like my friends have. But then I immediately feel like a jerk for selfishly wanting something so badly. 

I'm tired of wanting something I can't ever seem to have. I'm tired of feeling hollowed out and then not being able to express myself without everyone always worrying. I don't like feeling like a burden or a chore or a challenge or a worry. 

I am so blessed by the love and friendship of so many, so why am I so selfish and feel like it's not enough? What's wrong with me? Why can't I just shut off that desire? 

Why?

Just a Dream

The problem is

this is just a dream

I'm not really

waking up in

a room full of sunlight 

with peach colored roses

in a vase on the dresser

and you laying with

messy dark hair 

by my side

your hand on my stomach

your legs tangled in mine

the smile on your beautiful 

face promising me

perfection for all my

remaining days

Needed: Real Hobbies

I miss feeling.

For the past few months I've been trying to decide if I wasn't feeling anything for anyone because I was depressed or if it was just because there is no one to care for or hope for.  To tell the truth, I am still not sure of the answer.  I'm leaning towards the second, but sadly that always circles right back around to the first.

It's been a couple years since I felt something was right and that I was certain.  Everything inside of me would tangle and dance and scream and explode with joy and anguish and hope.  How I miss that.  I guess the reality is that I miss the certainty.  I miss believing in something.

Nights like tonight I wonder if I'm destined to do this life alone, and if I am, I wish I could come to terms with that and keep going.

I need real hobbies.  Maybe I'll take up gardening like Nick Miller...Ha.

Favorite things of this very moment (11:26 pm CST):

• John Mayer
• NetFlix
• My Amazon Wishlist
• New & old books newly purchased to read
• Cooler weather
• Forrest's willingness to kill the far too large for comfort spider that showed up in my room this evening with a plastic ninja sword because I hadn't been able to kill it with a Kleenex box and was refusing to get off my bed after watching it crawl under my dresser (seriously though...where the heck did that monster come from?!)
• My new job on the horizon
• Good things truly being on the way

(1) Island

It is a sick & twisted thing 

Not knowing who

(& where)

you are

Everything aches & arches

These cycles of my

physical self...

They don't make it easier

Every inch of me hungry

Every night lonely

Every prayer feverish--

hoping God will keep me sane,

& whole

Maybe arranged marriage,

blind dates, old systems,

aren't all bad

At least then I'd know you

And could build my life

on making you happy

My heart is deep as space

but clear as a glassy creek

If I could just dream of you

Hear comfort in the words you speak

That your lips 

could caress my name--

Maybe it would quench the burning 

& stave off the doubt

How long will I be stranded?

Or should I make a home

of this island

& decorate it with shells?

My Heart Speaks in Whisper

Another smiling face

a lovey-dovey status

One more picture 

engagement rings,

wedding plans

I'm not the only lonely

heart tonight

but this aching heart

& empty house

make it feel that way

The safe bets & sure things

prove themselves untrue

& I wonder if anything stable

is really sure

or will those rules change too

Don't let me rain on your parade

or lessen your joy

or tear you down

My gloom will pass

I'll get away

And really, each new love

sparked & shining out

in this dark space

guides me toward hope

& a fire of my own