Happy Thoughts

Lately everything has seemed, and felt, world-ending awful. It's stupid and childish, but I've been exhausted and heartbroken and confused and afraid. So very afraid. As a result I've been forgetting the good, so I decided I need to think some happy thoughts. So here goes (in no particular order).

1. (Especially tonight) Baseball movies. It's freezing here in northern Illinois, but it's nothing a beer and Bull Durham can't cheer back up. 

2. (This totally led right to this:) That baseball season is in sight. Thank you, God. I need the baseball season as much as I need sunshine and stars. 

3. Phone calls with Nikky and Kyle. They lead to weird honesty, gales of laughter, and better perspectives (or at least different which I need sometimes). Plus I get to hear about their lives and their kids and families. All things I miss and need. 

4. Frozen blueberries. Smoothies, my people. They are glorious. 

5. Friends that text back, pray for you, make you laugh so hard you cry, give you books, and let you be honest. 

6. The last segment on NBC news at night that's dedicated to something cheerful and kind. 

7. That we all deserve to wear white. (For further explanation see #1 and watch Bull Durham.)

8. Knowing I need to go back to school. It just needs to happen. (Though that's one of the many things I'm also terrified of.)

9. Virtually anything Jennifer Crusie writes. Really. 

10. Tom Hiddleston. Because he's a great man from the inside out. He gives me hope for finding men who are not just kind or smart or funny or knowledgeable about Shakespeare, but all of that. Plus he's genuinely good to his fans, and big on using his celebrity to care for others. He just gives me hope. 

These are the things that are lighting me up. Life really isn't all bad. There's lots of good left when I remember to see it. I hope you can too. 

Needed: Real Hobbies

I miss feeling.

For the past few months I've been trying to decide if I wasn't feeling anything for anyone because I was depressed or if it was just because there is no one to care for or hope for.  To tell the truth, I am still not sure of the answer.  I'm leaning towards the second, but sadly that always circles right back around to the first.

It's been a couple years since I felt something was right and that I was certain.  Everything inside of me would tangle and dance and scream and explode with joy and anguish and hope.  How I miss that.  I guess the reality is that I miss the certainty.  I miss believing in something.

Nights like tonight I wonder if I'm destined to do this life alone, and if I am, I wish I could come to terms with that and keep going.

I need real hobbies.  Maybe I'll take up gardening like Nick Miller...Ha.

Favorite things of this very moment (11:26 pm CST):

• John Mayer
• NetFlix
• My Amazon Wishlist
• New & old books newly purchased to read
• Cooler weather
• Forrest's willingness to kill the far too large for comfort spider that showed up in my room this evening with a plastic ninja sword because I hadn't been able to kill it with a Kleenex box and was refusing to get off my bed after watching it crawl under my dresser (seriously though...where the heck did that monster come from?!)
• My new job on the horizon
• Good things truly being on the way

Keeps on Keeping on

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (9:56 am CST):

• The picture of my sidewalk chalk elephant
• Knowing I've committed my first good deed of the day by rescuing Jack (the one-eyed pirate Momma kitty) from the large orange tabby down the road (Jack and her little one are now hanging out in the safety of our backyard)
• Registering to win pointless prizes at go.rrstar.com/winstuff...There was something in the list of prizes I want, but I sincerely don't remember what it is...ha
• The Year of Pleasures by Elizabeth Berg, it gives me hope
• Remembering on waking up that my dream had been about spending time with a very alive, very cheerful, very much himself - Zuni
• Crossing things off of my to-do list
• Getting things moving along for Kayla and Terrence's wedding present
• Glorious golden sunshine

I realized that after making my last big speech about trying new things that I never kept anyone updated on the new things I was trying, so I guess I'll have to attempt to do about job about that. On that note, I wanted to mention a couple of first for me over the past weekend.

I ate prickly pears. I bought some of the prickly pears (fruit of the cactus..ha.) at Valli Produce in Rockford about a week and a half ago, and I ate them this past Friday. The purple one was the weirdest color and when I was cutting it up to eat it, the juice was an unreal purple/pink color that I'd only seen in markers prior to then. Completely bizarre. They were alright. Nothing super exciting, so I probably won't buy them again, but it was interesting to try.

Also, I saw armadillos outside of a zoo. At least 7 of them (probably more). Sadly, they were all dead on the side of the interstate in Missouri. My Uncle Jon says that armadillos are probably born dead because that's the only way anyone ever seems to see them. I was super disappointed that we never go a chance to see a live one. You can't really enjoy a picture of a dead armadillo...so yeah...

This past weekend I took a road trip down for my Grandma Thomas' 90th birthday party with David and his girlfriend, Kelsey. That was another first. I've never traveled anywhere with Kelsey and it's definitely the first time we've ever taken anyone's significant other with us to a family function. I think Kelsey had fun, even if she did seem a little overwhelmed. It was a great way to get to know her better though. We got to talk a lot. She and I stayed with my cousin, Lacey on Saturday night so it was just us a lot of the time. She really did handle all of it very well. I also actually saw Kelsey acting silly for the first time possibly ever. On the way home we stopped at Arby's for dinner and the 3 of us were making fun of the cheesy music they had playing, she actually sang along in an incredibly ridiculous over-acting type manner. It was hilarious.

Which reminds me, I tried bronco berry sauce at Arby's. Another first. A weird one. It's alright, but it would be better with chicken strips and not jalapeno poppers.

I'm sure there will be more new things tried in the weeks to come. I just figure the more open I am to new things big and small the more interesting life will be. I don't want to ever die wondering.

Life moves.

Nothingness Enshrined in a Surplus of Words

Favorite things of today's moment (3:42pm CST):

• Cranberry Cheddar Cheese
• Visits from people while I am at work
• Virtual flowers
• Knowing I have accomplished today's said goals
• Having a Friday off to look forward to
• The concept of seeing the tallest of my favorite people this evening, even if that time is all too short and completely unrelated to this tall individuals desire or lack there of to see me
• Eyeliner
• Little girls dressed up in their ballerina outfits for dance classes
• Taking short walks to run errands
• Books

Enough of that.

I am incredibly warm. Let's start with that. I am, for all intents and purposes, feeling as if I am sitting on a heating vent with all the warm air blowing directly up the back of my shirt, which, if it where freezing, would be a wonderful thing, but as today is in the 80's and the air condition doesn't seem to be affording me any real possibilities of cooler temperatures, this is not a thrilling prospect.

Moving on.

Accomplished feelings are abounding today. Because I was woken up at 7:30 (a time which I avoid being conscious for if at all possible), I have actually gotten things done. Honestly, this can also be said because I ended up working all day today for my mother instead of my normal 2 hours on a Wednesday afternoon. This means that I was in the office (still am) and therefore did not have the distraction of a television with DVD/VCR capabilities rendering me helpless to watch movies I've seen millions of times all over again and sucking me into the vortex of laziness (which is common on Wednesday mornings, if I'm conscious to see them).

Instead, as I said, I've been at work. Here I was actually able to complete the necessary prep work for my test tomorrow. I have a beautifully typed set of notes to take with me. Notes that are legible. Notes that have helped to jog my memory enough that I should actually know what I'm talking about tomorrow morning. Maybe I'll even go to bed early enough that I can wake up a little early and pick myself up a cappuccino full of the caffeine I will be desperately in need of tomorrow morning. Maybe.

On an entirely different note: I think I may be having a slight allergic reaction to something here in the office. Since getting here this morning, I have had several little bumps appear in my arms and chest. Can't say I'm very excited about this development considering all it does is cause me to itch and have weird streaky highlighted red marks whenever I can no longer stand it. My brother, David does not have this problem. If he has a mosquito bite, even if they're on his toes or hands, he does not itch them. His willpower is impressive. Sometimes I envy him for it. He never looks like he has a bad splash of sunburn around his mosquito bites. Most of the time you never even know they're there. How is this possible? But moving on.

The other possibility (outside of the obvious allergic reaction theory), is that something is biting me. I haven't seen any mosquitoes in the office, but I wouldn't put it past those sneaky little insects. Or maybe a spider. Or something. I don't really know. Maybe I've caught some strange child's disease: chicken pox, mumps, something. I don't know. It's bad enough that my ring and pointer finger on my left hand are swollen from mosquito bites that decided to magically appear the other night while I was talking on my phone to Nathan while outside. I was even walking. How could they catch me? Apparently I need to walk more quickly. Although, this would cause a problem seeing as though that might cause me to breathe more heavily which makes talking on the phone awkward, especially when the person I'm talking to happens to be of the opposite gender (even if he has decided he's gay).

I'll be glad when it's colder. No more mosquitoes. I can wear a hoodie and my vans when I take a walk and it won't make me feel overheated. The leaves will be colorful and crunching beneath my feet as I walk up and down the sidewalk. The air will smell like autumn, that cool, deep, rich smell that comes with burning leaves and cold, and at night it makes you wonder if what you smell is the stars that seem to shine just that much brighter and colder at night.

Honestly, I can't wait.