This is the New Year, a New Beginning

I have given quite a bit of thought to New Year's Resolutions in the past week or so, and I have realized, once again, that I have much I still want to accomplish or enjoy.  As a result, I have come up with a new list of changes/new trials/ideas that I will be trying to implement this year.

For the Coming Year (in no particular order):

• I will cut back on impulse buying.  I still have some medical bills to pay off, a move to consider, a new job to find, and a bigger life to start living.
• I will try to cook more.  I do quite a bit of baking already, but I was given a pair of excellent cookbooks by my brother, David and his fantastic girlfriend, Kelsey for Christmas, and I'd like to actually make myself real meals.  I know this would be cheaper and healthier for me as well.  It's worth a try.
• I will save money out of every paycheck.  I've been terrible about preparing for my future/saving, and it's time to really get that underway.  If I could get this going, I would actually have money put aside when the next storm comes.
• I will try to lose 2 lbs or more each month of the coming year.  It may not sound like much, but it would be a lot easier to see to the end of that goal each month than to set a huge and crazy goal.  This I can do.
• I will try and get the children's book I wrote this past year published.  And then I will write another.
• I will pay off all the medical bills I have accrued this past year, and the few I will have before the end of January.  This is doable.  I just have to plan it out and make it happen.
• I will start paying my father back.  I owe him money from when I was putting myself through school and had some insane car problems.  My goal for this over all is to pay him back completely by the time I am 30.  It's a few years away yet, I know I can make this happen.
• I will practice the ukulele. I was given one for Christmas this year which is a life-long dream come true, and so I am determined that I truly will learn to play.
• I will try harder to get along with my body. I have put my body through a lot this year, and it's done the same.  I would very much like for us to be on the same page and getting along finally.  I think after all these years, we both deserve a little compassion and to be better taken care of.
• I will practice Radical Honesty on a more regular-esque basis.
• I will give more toasts.  Because I can.
• Do something nice for someone else every day.

These goals will not be very easy for me, but I do believe I can make them happen.  I also believe they will allow me to be a healthier, happier person in this new year.  I'd like to have a go at a better life.

I suppose I should also update my bucket list, so here goes:

1. Love and be loved by a good man.
2. Finish reading all partially read books.
3. Send someone a telegram via telegramstop.com
4. Give more away.
5. Visit the ocean.
6. Make Eric Callaway his long ago promised Green blanket.
7. Write a long letter to the pope.
8. Buy a sarong.
9. Figure out what to do with the video camera.
10. Pay back my father.
11. Write my own obituary.
12. Wine and dine someone who deserves it.
13. Have a completed emergency fund.
14. Watch all of my RiffTrax at least once.
15. Become financially independent.
16. Learn to make hats.
17. Be me. And love being me.

Settled

Tonight has been a little strange.

I went to dinner tonight with some friends, and my friend, Jay was supposed to come.  He's one of those good guys that your mom tells you should really consider marrying because he's honest, dependable, talented, and attractive, not to mention actually goes to church and has actual faith.  He's the kind of guy you think would probably make a good father someday because you see him playing with his nephew and it melts your heart.  He's a good man.

Tonight, Jay didn't make it to dinner.  He had a problem at work, and he let me know right away.  I got updates from him as the night worse on, but the problem was not something that could be easily fixed, and he missed dinner.

Don't get me wrong, I am not upset with him, nor was it his fault.  This happened because it happened.  Sometimes this is how life works, but I held my own at dinner.

He's been my safety net for a long time now.  I realize that's not the way you should probably look at people, but he has been.  He's been my substitute person.  Yeah...now that's ironic.  Here I've been thinking of this only one way, and for way too long now I've been playing the whole, "Woe is me, nobody loves me, wah, wah, wah" thing.

But the truth is, I do this to people too.

Jay is a good man.  He's one of my best friends.  One of the best friends I have ever had.  I want him to be happy.

Tonight, as I was talking to him, I realized that there's a very good chance he is falling in love with a friend of ours.  He's talking about her in a way I recognize, and for the first time in a long time, the gnawing ache that so often haunts me late at night...it didn't appear.  Instead, I found myself feeling hopeful for him.

Another good friend of mine, one of the best I have (or ever have, I hope you know that), made me promise him that no matter what happens with Jay, even if he really does end up in love, that I will continue to be myself and to be "grand."  I told him I will.

I will.

And the funny thing is, I feel like this is finally settled.  Yeah, I'm still going to have times when this is painful, and there will be "Woe is me" moments again, but when I've put myself to bed, had a long talk with God, and maybe listened to a little Jack Johnson from back when I was in high school...I'll be alright again.

2012 To-Do (Again, kudos Amy! You've Got the BEST Ideas)

2012 To-Do:

1.       Trust God.

2.      Love and be loved by a good man.

3.       Finish reading all partially read books.

4.      Read and return all borrowed books.

5.       Finish going through my books and giving away/selling as many as possible.

6.      Send someone a telegram via telegramstop.com.

7.       Do something nice for someone else every day.

8.      Give more away.

9.      Visit the ocean.

10.   Get a massage.  Or two.  Or three.  Or…you know, several.  J

11.   Less bad words, more positive statements.

12.   Write a letter or note to someone every day.  Be it a thank you or a note of encouragement or a bit of Radical Honesty; it must be something good.

13.   Make Eric Callaway his long ago promised Green blanket.

14.   Try Bailey’s.

15.   Live on just bread and water for 3 days.

16.   Write a long letter to the pope.

17.    Write a letter to a famous person I admire.

18.   Finish Nikky & Yan’s book and give it to them.

19.   Give more toasts.

20.  Buy a sarong.

21.   Figure out what to do with video camera (including getting the actual video from the camera onto my computer…and possibly onto YouTube…ha).

22.  Pay Dad at least half of what I owe.

23.   Write my own obituary.

24.  Wine and dine someone who deserves it.

25.   Take EGWTBTE pictures.

26.  Have a completed emergency fund.

27.   Write and send a letter to Santa Claus.

28.  Lose some weight so that when I’m called upon to do it, I can look good in a bridesmaid’s dress.

29.  Practice radical honesty on a more regular-esque basis

30.   Watch all RiffTrax at least once.

31.   See the new Pirates! movie with Joel.

32.   Learn to do video with my camera.

33.   Take better care of my hands.

34.   Finish organizing quotes.

35.   Try making more new recipes.

36.   Excersize (at minimum) 3 times a week.

37.    Visit Heather in Chicago.

38.   Throw Amber two super sweet bachelorette parties with Miss Emily.

39.   Acquire Munchkin.

40.  Learn to make granny squares.

41.   Argue and deal with confrontation (and confront, if necessary) in a biblical way.

42.  Take pictures.  At least one every single day.

43.   Downsize.

44.  Make Amber & Jake an EPIC wedding box.

45.   Become financially independent.

46.  Buy Cynthia, Nikky, Regina, Amber, Traci, Heather, Jordan, Sam & Kimmieboo copies of The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.

47.   Make scarves to donate.

48.  Learn to make hats.

49.  Go through movies and see which ones can be given away.

50.   Be me. And love being me.

I Want a Box of Kleenex, Sleep, and Self-Confidence

I should never ever ever be online or alone late at night. It's bad. Well, being alone late at night really isn't bad. I just don't like being the only person in my house late at night. I feel pathetic saying that. I'm 24. I should be able to handle living alone. And being alone.

Aparently no.

Why do I suck at this?

Is it because I am use to living in a house with 5 other people and 2 cats? Is it because she's just a big wimp or something?

Probably.

Perhaps I'm just not meant to be alone.

And really, I'm not alone. My beautiful Bible is sitting right next to me and I have the promise of tomorrow to look forward to. I'll get to go see friends, and God is, as always, filling my heart. Even late in the evening when I feel very much alone...there's always more.

On a random note, I will now make a list of things that I have recently managed to try/do/teach myself for the first time:

• Taught myself how to use the Ice Tea Maker Regina gave Amber and I
• Used a garbage disposal
• Been into every room of our apartment (I didn't touch Amber's stuff, but I did just walk through her room, it felt weird to have never done that before)
• Hung out with just Jake by myself (including being in the car with him just by myself)
• Babysat for Zach & Zuaquis
• Had dinner with Bob & Nola by myself
• Went to SC (FINALLY!)
• Taken advantage of someone actually offering me a place to stay
• Used a GPS system to get somewhere
• Taught myself how to program my coffee maker
• Watched "Glee"
• Stayed in my apartment by myself
• Slept on a bed with a memory foam topper (I want one)
• Asked my father for advice with guys
• Asked my uncle to talk to someone for me so that I didn't have to fight the urge to hit them
• Driven Amber's car
• Had blisters the size of quarters develop on my feet (that one better never happen again)
• Get someone else hooked on poptarts
• Toasted marshmallows on the stove
• Babysat for some turtles (Did you know that turtles can actually get excited to see people? It's true. I've seen it.)
• Let Mitch and then Calvin drive my car
• Talked to my cousin Hillary on the phone (and it didn't even feel forced or awkward. I forget how completely cool she is.)
• Protect a baby snake from being attacked by a bunch of scared girls
• Texted
• Had the world's most epic game of Roomservice (I love the ongoing game, Jordan. It's something I really look forward to on an almost daily basis)
• Admit that I'm scared of going to the fitness center here because I pretty much constantly feel like a cow
• Emailed my father on a pretty regular basis
• Watched "A Very Potter Sequel" on YouTube with Amber & Jake
• Asked Nikky if I could have one of her paintings (I've wanted to for a long time, but I didn't have a good excuse, and now I have big blank walls in desperate need of her brilliance and color)
• Started reading Wild at Heart (Thank you Uncle Jon for happily giving me your copy so that I can write all over it...woohoo!)
• Had an "adopted" family: the Bartons are AWESOME and having Jaysen as an "adopted" brother is a unique experience
• Having a gift card for Macy's (Thankfully Amber will be going with me the next time so that maybe I'll walk out of the store with someone more than a small thing of chocolate and a $2 pair of earrings...even if they are super cute)
• Paid for a meal in all change
• Got a hug from my former Moe's manager (which actually really made my day)
• Tried brisket (mmm...)
• Had someone actually realize how weird I was about touching other people without me even having to say it
• Put stickers on my phone (hey, they're penguins from Kendall and Cam, I can't pass that up)
• Made a friend from the Bahamas
• Started saving my weird spare change for a future with someone special (whomever he is)
• Made a bracelet out of guitar strings
• Drew my own version of Trogdor (twice actually)
• Received a hand drawn picture from Macklynn Rager that is now proudly being displayed on my fridge:

One More Thing

I just realized, in looking back over the past several posts, that I haven't mentioned any of the new things I've done recently. As this is something I want to continue to keep documented to encourage myself and just to provoke my brain into remembering new can be good (or just plain ridiculous), I'd like to keep that updated.

So...new things:

First, I've watched several movies I've never seen before: North to Alaska and The Wedding Date. I watched them both within a span of 24 hours and felt like I was watching different versions of Pretty Woman. Weird. ha. Actually, I'd never watched a John Wayne movie all the way through, so North to Alaska was pretty cool. The way John Wayne talks really cracks me up, and it made me realize that Radar's (on M*A*S*H) impression of him is dead on. It's amazing. Cracked me up. Plus it reminded me of Nathan Lane in The Birdcage which makes me laugh so hard I want to cry. See figure 1.

Figure 1:
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Yes.

The Wedding Date was. I don't know how to say it. There were some bits of it I really appreciated. Some things that really made me laugh. There was the truly genius line, "I think I would have missed you even if I never met you." That was a pick up line if I ever heard one, and I've been driving myself crazy with the concept of "every woman is in the relationship she wants." Even if you're single and miserable, that apparently is how you want if it that's how you are...?

My sum up for the movies? Watch North to Alaska, especially if you like John Wayne or just crazy old movies. It was fun. The songs made me laugh, and well, actually, most of the movie made me laugh.

What else? I've been listening to Audio books at work. I love it. It makes work zoom past because I get so engrossed in the books. The Harry Potter series has been wonderful. I get so sucked into the books that I don't notice time or anything. I just type and listen. I'm about halfway through Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix right now, and the first 3rd of the book made me want to slap Harry every couple of paragraphs, but now I'm enjoying it.

Beyond that? I'm currently taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. I've actually opened a savings account, and it currently has a fairly decent balance. I haven't had a savings account since right before I moved to Atlanta for college, and having one now is making me feel much more at ease. I also have a budget. I've been dreading working out a budget for a long time. My thing has been to simply pay for anything I knew I needed to immediately after getting my check and then just trying to not overspend the rest of it. Ha. The budget is making my life infinitely easier. I don't have to feel guilty about how much money I'm spending any longer because I have already planned for the purchases.

For instance, Mom and I went to Wal-Mart today to pick up some things. I was able to buy the rest of the yarn I need for the baby blanket I'm making Brian and Hannah, along with the yarn for baby Aria's blanket without having to worry about the money I was spending. I've created a bit in my budget called my Good Fairy Fund, and it allows me to spend money on whatever I need to get or want to get for other people without causing me to wonder if I'll still have the money I need for gas or groceries. I love it. Plus, I'm forcing myself to put money aside for clothes. If I continue to do that, I will actually be able to buy myself some nicer new clothes without ever feeling guilty about the money because I've already set it aside, and I've already taken care of everything else I need to take care of.

Financial Peace University really is doing wonders for my sanity. I haven't worried about money in weeks. It's lovely. And it's a definite change. If you ever get the chance, definitely take the class. Or at least look up the basic principles. It makes a world of difference. :)

Third, my family is throwing our first ever Harvest Party on Halloween. It's the first time we've ever sent out invitations to a party too. That was fun. I put together a real basic invitation and sent them out this week. Hopefully quite a few of the families will be able to come. It'll be small, but it'll be fun.

Well...that's what I can think of currently, but I'll try to do a better job of posting about the new things as they happen. It's nice to see little changes and big ones as they happen.

Keeps on Keeping on

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (9:56 am CST):

• The picture of my sidewalk chalk elephant
• Knowing I've committed my first good deed of the day by rescuing Jack (the one-eyed pirate Momma kitty) from the large orange tabby down the road (Jack and her little one are now hanging out in the safety of our backyard)
• Registering to win pointless prizes at go.rrstar.com/winstuff...There was something in the list of prizes I want, but I sincerely don't remember what it is...ha
• The Year of Pleasures by Elizabeth Berg, it gives me hope
• Remembering on waking up that my dream had been about spending time with a very alive, very cheerful, very much himself - Zuni
• Crossing things off of my to-do list
• Getting things moving along for Kayla and Terrence's wedding present
• Glorious golden sunshine

I realized that after making my last big speech about trying new things that I never kept anyone updated on the new things I was trying, so I guess I'll have to attempt to do about job about that. On that note, I wanted to mention a couple of first for me over the past weekend.

I ate prickly pears. I bought some of the prickly pears (fruit of the cactus..ha.) at Valli Produce in Rockford about a week and a half ago, and I ate them this past Friday. The purple one was the weirdest color and when I was cutting it up to eat it, the juice was an unreal purple/pink color that I'd only seen in markers prior to then. Completely bizarre. They were alright. Nothing super exciting, so I probably won't buy them again, but it was interesting to try.

Also, I saw armadillos outside of a zoo. At least 7 of them (probably more). Sadly, they were all dead on the side of the interstate in Missouri. My Uncle Jon says that armadillos are probably born dead because that's the only way anyone ever seems to see them. I was super disappointed that we never go a chance to see a live one. You can't really enjoy a picture of a dead armadillo...so yeah...

This past weekend I took a road trip down for my Grandma Thomas' 90th birthday party with David and his girlfriend, Kelsey. That was another first. I've never traveled anywhere with Kelsey and it's definitely the first time we've ever taken anyone's significant other with us to a family function. I think Kelsey had fun, even if she did seem a little overwhelmed. It was a great way to get to know her better though. We got to talk a lot. She and I stayed with my cousin, Lacey on Saturday night so it was just us a lot of the time. She really did handle all of it very well. I also actually saw Kelsey acting silly for the first time possibly ever. On the way home we stopped at Arby's for dinner and the 3 of us were making fun of the cheesy music they had playing, she actually sang along in an incredibly ridiculous over-acting type manner. It was hilarious.

Which reminds me, I tried bronco berry sauce at Arby's. Another first. A weird one. It's alright, but it would be better with chicken strips and not jalapeno poppers.

I'm sure there will be more new things tried in the weeks to come. I just figure the more open I am to new things big and small the more interesting life will be. I don't want to ever die wondering.

Life moves.