Settled

Tonight has been a little strange.

I went to dinner tonight with some friends, and my friend, Jay was supposed to come.  He's one of those good guys that your mom tells you should really consider marrying because he's honest, dependable, talented, and attractive, not to mention actually goes to church and has actual faith.  He's the kind of guy you think would probably make a good father someday because you see him playing with his nephew and it melts your heart.  He's a good man.

Tonight, Jay didn't make it to dinner.  He had a problem at work, and he let me know right away.  I got updates from him as the night worse on, but the problem was not something that could be easily fixed, and he missed dinner.

Don't get me wrong, I am not upset with him, nor was it his fault.  This happened because it happened.  Sometimes this is how life works, but I held my own at dinner.

He's been my safety net for a long time now.  I realize that's not the way you should probably look at people, but he has been.  He's been my substitute person.  Yeah...now that's ironic.  Here I've been thinking of this only one way, and for way too long now I've been playing the whole, "Woe is me, nobody loves me, wah, wah, wah" thing.

But the truth is, I do this to people too.

Jay is a good man.  He's one of my best friends.  One of the best friends I have ever had.  I want him to be happy.

Tonight, as I was talking to him, I realized that there's a very good chance he is falling in love with a friend of ours.  He's talking about her in a way I recognize, and for the first time in a long time, the gnawing ache that so often haunts me late at night...it didn't appear.  Instead, I found myself feeling hopeful for him.

Another good friend of mine, one of the best I have (or ever have, I hope you know that), made me promise him that no matter what happens with Jay, even if he really does end up in love, that I will continue to be myself and to be "grand."  I told him I will.

I will.

And the funny thing is, I feel like this is finally settled.  Yeah, I'm still going to have times when this is painful, and there will be "Woe is me" moments again, but when I've put myself to bed, had a long talk with God, and maybe listened to a little Jack Johnson from back when I was in high school...I'll be alright again.