Settled

Tonight has been a little strange.

I went to dinner tonight with some friends, and my friend, Jay was supposed to come.  He's one of those good guys that your mom tells you should really consider marrying because he's honest, dependable, talented, and attractive, not to mention actually goes to church and has actual faith.  He's the kind of guy you think would probably make a good father someday because you see him playing with his nephew and it melts your heart.  He's a good man.

Tonight, Jay didn't make it to dinner.  He had a problem at work, and he let me know right away.  I got updates from him as the night worse on, but the problem was not something that could be easily fixed, and he missed dinner.

Don't get me wrong, I am not upset with him, nor was it his fault.  This happened because it happened.  Sometimes this is how life works, but I held my own at dinner.

He's been my safety net for a long time now.  I realize that's not the way you should probably look at people, but he has been.  He's been my substitute person.  Yeah...now that's ironic.  Here I've been thinking of this only one way, and for way too long now I've been playing the whole, "Woe is me, nobody loves me, wah, wah, wah" thing.

But the truth is, I do this to people too.

Jay is a good man.  He's one of my best friends.  One of the best friends I have ever had.  I want him to be happy.

Tonight, as I was talking to him, I realized that there's a very good chance he is falling in love with a friend of ours.  He's talking about her in a way I recognize, and for the first time in a long time, the gnawing ache that so often haunts me late at night...it didn't appear.  Instead, I found myself feeling hopeful for him.

Another good friend of mine, one of the best I have (or ever have, I hope you know that), made me promise him that no matter what happens with Jay, even if he really does end up in love, that I will continue to be myself and to be "grand."  I told him I will.

I will.

And the funny thing is, I feel like this is finally settled.  Yeah, I'm still going to have times when this is painful, and there will be "Woe is me" moments again, but when I've put myself to bed, had a long talk with God, and maybe listened to a little Jack Johnson from back when I was in high school...I'll be alright again.

Why I Need a Passport ( Or I Am Worth a Second Look)

Morocco, Morocco...how I long to visit thee.

Today I wrote my first article for a really cool company called Tramp Imperial Travel (http://www.moroccotraveltours.net/) that takes people on tours through Morocco. If you're wanting to travel there, check them out. I know I want to travel there. This, as I'd like to point out, is one of the reasons I need my passport. How does a person get to be 25 years old and never own a passport? Ah...This needs to be changed.

It's also exciting to be able to say that I am a freelance writer. I never thought I would be afforded an opportunity like this, and I am hoping that this will blossom into something good.

I also had a good talk with my mom this evening about one of my exes. I talked to him today for the first time in a long time. I miss the friend I had in him for years, but the guy I talk to now is never that guy. He's someone I don't recognize, and I sometimes wonder which version of himself he'll be when we talk or which version of him is even real. He's a human emotional personality chameleon. Every person he's dated has caused him to take on a new persona. It reminds me a lot of Julia Robert's character, Maggie in "Runaway Bride." He tries to become exactly what the other person wants. With me he was a hilarious and good Christian guy. After me he became a guy very interested in art and becoming a starving artist by drinking and doing every drug he could get ahold of (maybe he still does), then a guy super interested in health and vegetarianism, and then a guy who was obsessed with film and all it's aspects, and now he's a health nut who works out.

I miss my version, but at the same time...I'm glad that ended. In the past few weeks, I've been reminded of all the things I didn't do. Most of them were dreams I had that he told me I wasn't capable of, wasn't talented enough to do, wasn't pretty enough for, didn't have the right body type for, was too clumsy for...that I wasn't good enough.

But do you know who I am? I don't. And I'm actually a little excited about that. I've lived for many years thinking I was less than I am, but I'm something special. I'm worth a second look, and someday someone is going to say, "Hey let's go to Bali" or "Let's go to Canada or Paris or anywhere..." When that person comes along...darn it, I'm going to have that passport.

One last thing, because I haven't done this in awhile:

Favorite things of this very moment (10:24 pm CST):

• Unsweetened ice tea


• Sanctus Real's great song "'Til I Got to Know You"


• Knowing I fixed my computer speakers on my own


• Knowing my family is in the living room watching Disney's lovely cartoon version of "Robinhood" at this very moment


• That I finished and turned in my first writing assignment for Tramp Imperial Travel


• That I am actually, for real, no joke, a freelance writer


• Having several jobs (Tramp Imperial Travel, the pharmacy, Basket Beginnings, the last of which I probably forgot to mention, but I am working there off and on to cover for people over the rest of the summer starting with tomorrow afternoon)


• Owning my own copy of Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows


• Hope