Day 28: Work

Dear Work,

Thank you. 

I know we don't always get on and sometimes I have a terrible attitude about you, but I do appreciate you. Few things in life are so encouraging as having a steady job with a steady income. After the past couple years, I know I am beyond blessed to have you. You've given me the chance to learn new schools, make friends with my wonderful co-workers, and a paycheck that never fails to show up in full on time as promised. I am so lucky to have you. 

Thank you. 

Love,

Jaymin

Today is the First Day of my (Summer) Life

Ah, Summer.  You have returned to claim us again.

It is still warm, but not insanely hot like it has been for the past three days.  Seems kinda hilarious actually that it was so painfully, recordbreakingly hot for the last three days of Spring, and now it has dropped about ten degrees.  Not that I'm complaining.  Oh now, this weather is delightful and can stay or even continue to drop as far as I am concerned.  I'm better in cooler weather anyway.

But God's got this.  The weather is delightful.  The sunshine is making everything feel glorious and the breeze makes everything seem worthwhile.  The flowers are blooming, my brothers are working on a variety of things like resumes and thank you notes, and I am contemplating life in general.  I should probably be making a return phone call to the wonderful guy that called me earlier, but a friend of mine is supposed to be stopping by soon to show me a new project she has taken on and I want to make sure I am fully present.  I want to make sure my friend gets my best when I talk to him too, so that phone call will probably have to wait till tomorrow as both our schedules look to be filled for the evening.  At least that gives me something to look forward to (and be, for reasons I can't list, ridiculously nervous about..ha) for tomorrow.

Tomorrow will also hold yet another chiropractic appointment.  Hopefully after it I will not find myself wanting to cry for several hours which is typically the case, but I will say this, each of those appointments has made me feel a little better and made me a little more cheerful.

I did actually finally hear back from Dar at the office.  I emailed her yesterday to explain my situation after trying yet again to call the office and talk to her or Marc without success.  She emailed me back right away.  She really put my mind at ease.  Dar told me to make sure that I listen to my doctor and not push myself.  I am not to rush back to the office, but instead to make sure I am healing really well first.  You gotta appreciate that.  Now I just need to finish healing up and head back to work.  I am planning to return to work Monday.  Yes, this means I am down nearly two full weeks worth of pay, but if it keeps me from being in horrible pain because I am pushing myself too hard...I'll take it.

I also begin house-sitting tomorrow night.  I may take Joel and/or Forrest with me tomorrow night just to be on the safe side, but we'll see.  I may be doing fine on my own by tomorrow night.  I hope so.  I could use some time alone, as well as some time believing I am actually capable of taking care of myself again.  Plus, I just taking care of this house for my friends.  One of the best gigs you could ever have, and it gives me a little time to feel like an adult again.

Well, now I should probably sign off, but I shall leave you with a long overdue list.

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (4:58 pm CST):

• Golden sunshine
• What's a Girl to Do? by Janet Folger
• Unsweetened ice tea
• "You Only Live Twice"
• Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine (Nikky, I am so addicted to this stuff)
• The cooler temperatures
• Finally hearing from my office manager!

So If I Want to Paint my Fingernails Green...

Today I am home yet again today.  I am getting tired of being home.  I am getting tired of hurting all the time.

The weird thing is, I feel like I am learning a lot about myself that I did not expect.  I am amazed by the way God will use something this lousy and teach you something good.

In my case, he is teaching me a great deal about my need to trust that other people have my best interest at heart, that I can rely on people when I actually need help, and that God will find ways to use this for the good.  I am grateful for the good.  Can't say this is what I had in mind for my life here, now, or ever, but I am glad this happened now instead of right after I move.  At least I was here and home safe.

Sometime this afternoon I have to face to my fear that my boss will be super mad at me and actually call.  I am really afraid of calling because I am genuinely worried that my boss will be furious and will decide that my absence is no longer acceptable and will fire me.  I really don't want to be fired.  I need the money.  Especially if I am actually going to be able to move in a couple months.  I could use a little prayer and hope.  I am also hoping that I can be brave and make some sense.  I am hoping I will be back at work at the end of the week, but I may not get to be back till next week.  Please pray for patience for me to heal and please pray that Marc will understand and have some patience for me too.

Until I can talk myself into doing that, I am going to work on just relaxing.  I painted my fingernails green today.  I realized this nail polish would have been the perfect color to match my bridesmaid's dress for Amber and Jake's wedding.  Too bad I didn't use it then, but I am enjoying looking at my fingernails sparkle.  I've also started watching all the movies I have never taken the time to watch.  I also have gotten some reading done, and I've written a bunch of letters.  All things I just haven't had the time or energy to undertake recently, but now, since I'm pretty much confined to the two couches in my living room because my walking radius remains very small, I am getting a lot done.  I guess at some point God might take you out of the game for awhile so that you actually focus on things that will matter and bring you real joy.  God is incredible.  He is the sneakiest guy I know, and I am grateful.

Blargh

It has been another one of those totally bizarre days.  A mix of good and bad.

Good: Slept in and then got up and made Dunkin Donuts Mint Mocha coffee (my FAVORITE) and sat and watched the Today show with my mom while wearing my pj's and my sweet, sweet slipper boots.  Got to hang out with my mom for a long time today because we were both off work.  Got to work for about an hour at Basket Beginnings which just meant that I sat and worked on a blanket while talking to my mom.  Had some McDonald's for lunch (and yes I realize that's really not good for me, but it was a junk food kind of day).  Watched some good movies and played some computer games.  Played with my crazy cats.  Went to play practice that really just ended up being a sitting on the stage with scripts in our laps ladies' only brainstorming session.

This was all kinds of great.

On the bad side, some dear friends of mine went to court today to get a divorce after being married around 10 years.  They have two little girls who I love above and beyond almost all other children in the universe, and this whole deal just breaks my heart into bits.  Just as bad is seeing Jay have to deal with this because this couple has been a huge part of his life and some of his closest friends for as long as I can remember.  He's their eldest daughter's godfather.  It's breaking his heart too.

Oh, and then a friend of mine who has been like a little sister to me for years got married today.  She married the boyfriend I have been hating since pretty much the first time I met him when he refused to actually ever meet my eyes, who got her pregnant when she was in high school, who makes me super uncomfortable, and who I am darn near certain is abusive.  Yeah...somehow I can't be happy for her.  I want to be.  I want to be able to celebrate her marriage.  Her little boy's parents are finally married.  This should be great...buuuuuut...I just can't be.

Today has been so very weird.

Eh.

Tomorrow will be better.  It will be.  It will be.  I will make it so.

Why I Need a Passport ( Or I Am Worth a Second Look)

Morocco, Morocco...how I long to visit thee.

Today I wrote my first article for a really cool company called Tramp Imperial Travel (http://www.moroccotraveltours.net/) that takes people on tours through Morocco. If you're wanting to travel there, check them out. I know I want to travel there. This, as I'd like to point out, is one of the reasons I need my passport. How does a person get to be 25 years old and never own a passport? Ah...This needs to be changed.

It's also exciting to be able to say that I am a freelance writer. I never thought I would be afforded an opportunity like this, and I am hoping that this will blossom into something good.

I also had a good talk with my mom this evening about one of my exes. I talked to him today for the first time in a long time. I miss the friend I had in him for years, but the guy I talk to now is never that guy. He's someone I don't recognize, and I sometimes wonder which version of himself he'll be when we talk or which version of him is even real. He's a human emotional personality chameleon. Every person he's dated has caused him to take on a new persona. It reminds me a lot of Julia Robert's character, Maggie in "Runaway Bride." He tries to become exactly what the other person wants. With me he was a hilarious and good Christian guy. After me he became a guy very interested in art and becoming a starving artist by drinking and doing every drug he could get ahold of (maybe he still does), then a guy super interested in health and vegetarianism, and then a guy who was obsessed with film and all it's aspects, and now he's a health nut who works out.

I miss my version, but at the same time...I'm glad that ended. In the past few weeks, I've been reminded of all the things I didn't do. Most of them were dreams I had that he told me I wasn't capable of, wasn't talented enough to do, wasn't pretty enough for, didn't have the right body type for, was too clumsy for...that I wasn't good enough.

But do you know who I am? I don't. And I'm actually a little excited about that. I've lived for many years thinking I was less than I am, but I'm something special. I'm worth a second look, and someday someone is going to say, "Hey let's go to Bali" or "Let's go to Canada or Paris or anywhere..." When that person comes along...darn it, I'm going to have that passport.

One last thing, because I haven't done this in awhile:

Favorite things of this very moment (10:24 pm CST):

• Unsweetened ice tea


• Sanctus Real's great song "'Til I Got to Know You"


• Knowing I fixed my computer speakers on my own


• Knowing my family is in the living room watching Disney's lovely cartoon version of "Robinhood" at this very moment


• That I finished and turned in my first writing assignment for Tramp Imperial Travel


• That I am actually, for real, no joke, a freelance writer


• Having several jobs (Tramp Imperial Travel, the pharmacy, Basket Beginnings, the last of which I probably forgot to mention, but I am working there off and on to cover for people over the rest of the summer starting with tomorrow afternoon)


• Owning my own copy of Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows


• Hope

The Co-Worker & the Kleenex

At work today I was given the suggestion that I tell a co-worker to just bug off. This was a suggestion given to me by somehow who I feel is an incredibly kind person, but who has just the right amount of attitude. Plus, she'd been watching me get picked apart by someone who isn't even in charge of what I do for the better part of my morning. This is not an exaggeration. I wish it were.

Pretend for a moment that you've been working at a new job for exactly a month (yes, I have been there 1 month today). The first week you felt a little overwhelmed, but a great deal of that was just because you couldn't believe that no one really knew anything about the super-basic computer set up in your office and that everyone seemed overly amazed by the fact that you are a competent human being and decent at your job. The 2nd week was very similar, but you stopped feeling overwhelmed and just felt good about what you were doing. You'd made friends with your co-workers and all was right with the world. The 3rd week was a little strange simply because you were good enough at your job that you ran out of work. No one expected you to accomplish all you did or at least not nearly that quickly, but you are GOOD at your job.

Then the 4th week rolls around. You think you finally know what you're doing. Your supervisor loves you and is constantly teaching you new things about the business. You enjoy this, but another co-worker starts making you crazy. They've been there a few months, and they've got the system ironed out and understood. You, on the other hand, ask lots of questions. In every previous job you've ever had, asking questions has been very much encouraged. You like doing a good job, so you ask questions to do your best to make sure you understand exactly what people want from you.

The co-worker starts working their magic. It starts out by them correcting little things. This is fine, you want to do a good job, so you don't mind having them make suggestions that will make things go faster and make life easier for everyone. But then they start to amp that up. By the end of week 4 you want to pull your hair out or possibly their's. Every little thing you do is apparently not done up to their specifications. They're constantly trying to tell you that you need to do something their way when the way you're doing it works just as well and your supervisor has no problem with it. And then, my personal favorite, the one that for whatever reason pushed me over the edge of my limits today: Kleenex.

Now...I'm sure you're wondering how Kleenex can be what made me want to snap, but it's no joke. Anyone who knows me is aware that I like to keep Kleenex around. I tend to sneeze a lot and at this time of year it gets a little ridiculous, plus I was sick about a week ago, and my sinuses haven't exactly been perfect ever since. So today I am working not at my desk, but in the "office" because I was learning how to do more of our filing. This was fine, and I was doing well, but I realized I was going to sneeze so I asked my supervisor to hand me a Kleenex. She did so and then suggest that I just hold onto the box until I moved back to my desk. I didn't ask for this to happen, all I asked for was one Kleenex, but Christy (my supervisor) just thought it would be easier. She wasn't upset or put out by this, it was her idea (my emphasis will make sense in a minute).

This is fine. Nothing is thought of this transaction, and life moves on. I keep filing and working on stuff minding my own business because I already had been given enough work to last me all day. When I got done with the filing I told my coworker I was going to go start on the next project Christy had given me so that they would know where to find me if I was needed. My coworker says alright and then motions me aside and says, "Do you know where the Kleenex are?" They proceeded to let me know, I thanked them and said that I already had a box on my desk (which, by the way, I had brought in from home because I have never worked for a company that provides you were Kleenex boxes. Fancy), and they responds with, "Well, you need to get one for this desk (by which they meant the extra desk which I was only occupying because Christy put me there this morning) so that you don't have to take Christy's." Now, I realize this statement seems harmless enough, but they'd been picking at me all morning and they gave me a rather scathing look that made me feel like they were a) accusing me of office supply theft & b) that I should be pitied for my extreme selfish stupidity. I said alright and then left for my next task.

I wanted to strangle her. Now, I'm not much for swearing, but I can tell you right now that the clouded conversation I was having in my head for the next 10 minutes was filled with a lot of minor profanity and a great deal of anger. If it hadn't been for the fact that the pharmacists requested my help and presence for the next half hour or so, I very easily could have said something incredibly rude which would have gotten me into a lot of trouble or at least would have caused a bit too much drama for an already overly busy and hurried morning.

Honestly, Kleenex?

Sorry, I realize this is silly and that I should probably find a way to properly deal with this coworker instead of writing this frustrated, anonymous tirade against someone who probably hasn't figured out that they're picking me apart and making me hate my job (which angers me even more because I really do love this job when I'm not being bossed around every couple of minutes by someone who assumes that every mistake is my fault and that they need to micromanage all my work even though they aren't my boss or supervisor). Sadly, confrontation is not my strong point, and I'm not sure how to handle this. Usually my anger just slowly burns until it ignites something all at once, or I suddenly become ice and that burns in its own way. Neither are good, and trust me, no one wants that.

Suggestions? I'd happily take suggestions on how to deal with this situation. I don't want to become a jerk, I don't want to hate my job, and I don't want to be mean to this coworker. I just really want them to leave me be.

Now, I'll leave you with this:

Favorite Things of This Very Moment:

• The Last Olympian by Rick Roirdan
• Sunshine and 77 degree weather
• Ice tea
• OneRepublic