Thank God for the Sunshine

(The mountains of TN)

There are so many, many words and I'm not sure if any of them are appropriate or good. I woke up and have been thanking God all day for how beautiful it was. If it hadn't been beautiful today, I'm pretty sure I would have ignored all 5 of the messages I had and would have just slept for the rest of my day.

I'm wondering what the point of all of this is. Last night before I went to sleep I asked God to just show me whether or not this was really worth my time because I was really struggling with that. Is this man really worth the wait and feeling broken so much? I just wasn't sure if I could do this, but then the morning broke and I realized I'd fallen asleep talking to him. And the more I talked to my mother and my roommates, the more I realized I'm not that crazy. There's something about this guy that calls deeply to me, and even if he isn't the right guy, what's going on between us, it's far from over.

I keep asking if I'm doing the right things, and all I'm hearing is yes. Everyone says yes, and I just keep praying. Praying and praying and praying.

The weirdest thing though would have to be talking to Mom about all of this. It's not weird to talk to her, but it was weird talking to her today...I think she finally understands that I'm not playing around here. This one is different. Not sure what that entails at this point, but it is different.

The other bit of today messing with me is this crazy financial plan assignment. It's a healthy idea and I know I should be able to do this, but I feel crippled by this. I feel like a failure as an adult is really what it is. How am I supposed to do this? I do not have a job, and it's only by the grace of God that I'm getting by at all. I trust every day that He'll provide what I need, and He does, but how do you write that into a financial plan? And how do you explain that you don't have future financial goals because you have no idea what you want to do with your life? And you don't need life insurance because you've got literally no one depending on you because you can barely take care of yourself? This assignment makes me feel like a failure. Exciting.

I guess what I need now is to make my favorite things list. I need to think about the good.

Favorite Things of this Very Moment (9:49 pm EST):

• "Easy Target" by Blink 182


• Knowing I found the Bible Sam wanted


• Jay, Jordan, Kimmie, Miiiitch, Regina, Amber & Jake and their invaluable prayers


• Knowing I got Regina's pants taken care of


• "Karma" by Alicia Keys


• Regina being home


• Headphones


• That my iPod is actually working after I thought it had died (thank God for the little miracles)


• Remembering the good talks with Mom, Amber, Jake, Mitch & Kimmie

Life is going to be alright.

How does one apologize for an anger that has been building for quite some time? I feel like a terrible person on a pretty regular basis right now because I'm carry around anger that is totally unhealthy and unnecessary. I know as a Christian I have been taught to forgive and that in order to be forgiven for my own sins I need to forgive the people who sin against me, but I'm struggling to let go of some of the hurts I hold inside.

How do you forgive someone who not only has no remorse and never feels like they commit a wrong? They've insulted you and hurt many people you love. How do you let go of this?

I want to forgive this person and just start over, but for some reason this bitterness has gotten ahold of my heart and I can't find a way to loosen it.

I wish this was a situation where I could confront the person I'm upset with and present my issue so we could resolve it. This, on the other hand, is somehow worse because this person knows that they've screwed up repeatedly, but they don't seem to care at all. How on earth am I supposed to deal with this?

I hope God gives me a real clear way to handle this so that I can let go of all of this. I don't want to add to the problem. I'd like to heal my end of it even if I can't change all of it. Plus, I don't want my anger to hurt other people. It's not fair to them.

Please pray for me in this. I don't want to carry anger with me. I want to heal and I want to be able to do my part to heal this situation and make the people around me happier. I just don't feel my light shining at all right now.

Thanks.

Love,

J

The Co-Worker & the Kleenex

At work today I was given the suggestion that I tell a co-worker to just bug off. This was a suggestion given to me by somehow who I feel is an incredibly kind person, but who has just the right amount of attitude. Plus, she'd been watching me get picked apart by someone who isn't even in charge of what I do for the better part of my morning. This is not an exaggeration. I wish it were.

Pretend for a moment that you've been working at a new job for exactly a month (yes, I have been there 1 month today). The first week you felt a little overwhelmed, but a great deal of that was just because you couldn't believe that no one really knew anything about the super-basic computer set up in your office and that everyone seemed overly amazed by the fact that you are a competent human being and decent at your job. The 2nd week was very similar, but you stopped feeling overwhelmed and just felt good about what you were doing. You'd made friends with your co-workers and all was right with the world. The 3rd week was a little strange simply because you were good enough at your job that you ran out of work. No one expected you to accomplish all you did or at least not nearly that quickly, but you are GOOD at your job.

Then the 4th week rolls around. You think you finally know what you're doing. Your supervisor loves you and is constantly teaching you new things about the business. You enjoy this, but another co-worker starts making you crazy. They've been there a few months, and they've got the system ironed out and understood. You, on the other hand, ask lots of questions. In every previous job you've ever had, asking questions has been very much encouraged. You like doing a good job, so you ask questions to do your best to make sure you understand exactly what people want from you.

The co-worker starts working their magic. It starts out by them correcting little things. This is fine, you want to do a good job, so you don't mind having them make suggestions that will make things go faster and make life easier for everyone. But then they start to amp that up. By the end of week 4 you want to pull your hair out or possibly their's. Every little thing you do is apparently not done up to their specifications. They're constantly trying to tell you that you need to do something their way when the way you're doing it works just as well and your supervisor has no problem with it. And then, my personal favorite, the one that for whatever reason pushed me over the edge of my limits today: Kleenex.

Now...I'm sure you're wondering how Kleenex can be what made me want to snap, but it's no joke. Anyone who knows me is aware that I like to keep Kleenex around. I tend to sneeze a lot and at this time of year it gets a little ridiculous, plus I was sick about a week ago, and my sinuses haven't exactly been perfect ever since. So today I am working not at my desk, but in the "office" because I was learning how to do more of our filing. This was fine, and I was doing well, but I realized I was going to sneeze so I asked my supervisor to hand me a Kleenex. She did so and then suggest that I just hold onto the box until I moved back to my desk. I didn't ask for this to happen, all I asked for was one Kleenex, but Christy (my supervisor) just thought it would be easier. She wasn't upset or put out by this, it was her idea (my emphasis will make sense in a minute).

This is fine. Nothing is thought of this transaction, and life moves on. I keep filing and working on stuff minding my own business because I already had been given enough work to last me all day. When I got done with the filing I told my coworker I was going to go start on the next project Christy had given me so that they would know where to find me if I was needed. My coworker says alright and then motions me aside and says, "Do you know where the Kleenex are?" They proceeded to let me know, I thanked them and said that I already had a box on my desk (which, by the way, I had brought in from home because I have never worked for a company that provides you were Kleenex boxes. Fancy), and they responds with, "Well, you need to get one for this desk (by which they meant the extra desk which I was only occupying because Christy put me there this morning) so that you don't have to take Christy's." Now, I realize this statement seems harmless enough, but they'd been picking at me all morning and they gave me a rather scathing look that made me feel like they were a) accusing me of office supply theft & b) that I should be pitied for my extreme selfish stupidity. I said alright and then left for my next task.

I wanted to strangle her. Now, I'm not much for swearing, but I can tell you right now that the clouded conversation I was having in my head for the next 10 minutes was filled with a lot of minor profanity and a great deal of anger. If it hadn't been for the fact that the pharmacists requested my help and presence for the next half hour or so, I very easily could have said something incredibly rude which would have gotten me into a lot of trouble or at least would have caused a bit too much drama for an already overly busy and hurried morning.

Honestly, Kleenex?

Sorry, I realize this is silly and that I should probably find a way to properly deal with this coworker instead of writing this frustrated, anonymous tirade against someone who probably hasn't figured out that they're picking me apart and making me hate my job (which angers me even more because I really do love this job when I'm not being bossed around every couple of minutes by someone who assumes that every mistake is my fault and that they need to micromanage all my work even though they aren't my boss or supervisor). Sadly, confrontation is not my strong point, and I'm not sure how to handle this. Usually my anger just slowly burns until it ignites something all at once, or I suddenly become ice and that burns in its own way. Neither are good, and trust me, no one wants that.

Suggestions? I'd happily take suggestions on how to deal with this situation. I don't want to become a jerk, I don't want to hate my job, and I don't want to be mean to this coworker. I just really want them to leave me be.

Now, I'll leave you with this:

Favorite Things of This Very Moment:

• The Last Olympian by Rick Roirdan
• Sunshine and 77 degree weather
• Ice tea
• OneRepublic

Face Punch

We're going to skip the good things list for the moment and just get straight to the point: I am frustrated.

I have decided that if I ever own a business or am in charge of hiring people for a position, I will make sure I keep my promises. If I say I will call someone within the next 2 days, I will do so. If someone turns in an application, I will call them and let them know the position has been filled. I will call people if I've interviewed them to tell them whether or not they got the job. And I will do it as quickly as I can. After going through so many applications and interviews in the past 4 months, I am beginning to be an expert at rejection. There's a great deal of it surrounding me. I've been turned down for several jobs after interviews, and one of them just never called me at all. I guess they assumed the absence of a call was a good enough indication that I wasn't going to receive the job, but it's not really.

Just call and tell us you don't need us. It still feels lousy, but at least then we don't wait by the phone. It's almost as bad as being rejected by someone you have a crush on, and I have lots of experience in that area too.

Can I say it again? I am frustrated.

To all of you who are looking for jobs, I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find something you enjoy doing and are spared this kind of frustration.

There has to be a better way.

Let's close on a good note, my favorite's list.
Favorite things of this very moment (7:05 pm CST):

• A best friend who cares about what is going on in my life, even when I'm being a frustrated whiner
• The wonderful little blue iPod Carson gave me awhile back with the lovely matching headphones I found (surprisingly comfortable)
• Good music
• Wireless at the library
• Knowing I've already started 2 more applications (back up plans aren't such a bad thing)
• Sunsets melting into clouds
• The big fake ring that was part of the loot I got at Kayla's bachelorette party (the memories of that will give me a smile forever)

Good night.

Troubled Waters

Favorite things of this very moment (4:11 pm CST):

• Coffee (with a little sugar, a lot of cinnamon, and a little vanilla soy milk)
• Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
• New Moon by Stephanie Meyer
• Dreaming about Edward in an excessively vague and text-esque sense which means I didn't have nightmares or really messed up dreams like I've been having all too often lately that leave me with less sleep than I started out with (well it seems that way)...man those books are great
• Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer
• Gummy bears
• Having the ability to stay up to all hours to read, but still have plenty of time to sleep and get much needed work done
• Peppermint tea
• Paying lots of attention to lyrics unlike my close friend and male counterpart, Mr. Laurent

The ache is back. The one that moves back and forth from my heart to the pit of my stomach (well more like just below the bottom of my rib cage where it seems to pulsate and radiate and make everything feel wrong) to my throat and back to my chest again where it feels so intense that I feel like I'll explode.

The Twilight series isn't helping me out in this department, but then again neither is the Jane Austen or Nicholas Sparks or Stardust or the Christian romance novels Grandma sent (duh!) or any of the other books I've read recently and enjoyed.

It will get better. One of these days the hole in my heart will have its missing piece. In the meantime, I need to find something I actually want to do and pursue it to the fullest.

Today, I took an excessively long, very hot shower because I kept slipping between memories and I guess I thought maybe it would wash it away. It didn't. Instead it seemed to just help it along. Reading New Moon in its entirety last night brought back a series of memories. Promises I was once given and had believed so freely. Promises that have never, and will never, be fulfilled...it brought back Jeff. Memories I try to keep buried to avoid days exactly like this.

It made me question my sanity for the 2nd time in two days. The first was brought on by truly seeing myself in Blanche's character in Tennessee Williams' play "A Streetcar Named Desire" which terrified me enough to skip the rest of my classes and go straight to wandering Shopko while talking to Nikky. I think she honestly worried about me having some kind of break down. I wasn't far from believing that as a possibility myself...

Then after reading New Moon, it brought Jeff back so quickly and easily that it startled me. Meyer uses a lot of "Romeo and Juliet" in the book. Many of Edwards words and Bella's reactions felt familiar. The ache Bella described, the pain she felt. They're here in me. This in and of itself completely upsets me.

Have I just been using all these guys as a placeholder? A Paris to my Juliet, if you will? A plan B? Not one of them deserved that. Clearly there is something wrong with me, with my heart.

Why do I still have all the memories and the promises locked inside my head? The promises that he would love and protect me forever. That he would never leave. Why have I been unable to find someone better for me without the feeling something is wrong? Apparently I haven't found the right guy yet, but what if it's worse than that? What if I really do love Jeff and no one else will ever bring me to life the way he did? What if he was supposed to be the One, but choose to take a different path? The path without me.

Ugh. I am so bitter and cynical today. Again. There is something so wrong with all of this.

Of course, this doesn't even begin to cover my anger with myself for being almost 22 but in no way self-sufficient. When did I let myself become such a coward?

Angel of Death

Favorite things of this very moment (7:16pm):

• Learning to risk falling hard
• AIM and its incessant blinking orange
• Nikky's fabulous ability to describe things
• Knowing prayer works
• Pomegranate & Lemon-aid mints: Restore
• The concept of a cocoa spa

Today, I feel like the fricking Angel of Death. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of death. I am tired of people around me, that I love dearly dying. Grandpa Thomas, both great-grandpas, little Jenny, Heather, Zuni, and Aunt Maxine....and now, dang it...what about Grandma. She could be gone at any time. She's 88 years old and not healthy, but I'm unwilling to lose her.

As selfish as it may sound...I want her to be alive to see me get married. Or at least engaged. I always figured Grandma would be the person to tell me I'd found the one...She would know. Just like she knew when Mom found Dad.

Then again, I always figured Zuni would be there to tell me I'd found a keeper. To tell me that this one treated me right, that he could see it in the guys eyes...this was the one for me. But he's gone too...

And what about Tyler? I barely have gotten to know him. He's too young. Too innocent and wonderful and full of life. All I can do is pray and pray and pray...I want him healed. And quickly...

Death, you ARE my enemy. I refuse to believe that you have an part in God. I refuse to believe that God kills any one. He restores and protects, but you Death...you are Satan's best friend. I refuse you. Do you hear me, Death? I REFUSE! You will not trap me into fear. I will not fear you because, I am going to win. I will fight you, and in the end, God will cast you out. Forever, you will not touch my forever. You will not put your shadowy fingers on the arms of the people I love anymore...you will be trampled. I am looking forward to that day with everything in me. I hope it comes soon. Very soon.

Sorry for how morbid this all sounds...it's been a long day.
It will get better. It will.