More Color!

I am completely exhausted.  I thought I was going to fall asleep standing up in my living room earlier while laughing at Stephen Cobert.  I am rarely so tired as I am tonight, but here I am over an hour later staring at my computer screen and slowly finding words to type.

I couldn't help it.  I just wanted to know if anyone had said a word to me on the ridiculous online dating site I semi-recklessly signed up for.  Especially since my dear friend Jordan issued a challenge last night, and in order to resolve it, I have to attempt to actually stick with this site for a little while and give it a chance.  Most everything in me would like to run screaming away from this because of all the "what if's" like "What if no one likes me?" "What if the guy I end up liking and actually agreeing to meet actually ends up to be a serial killer and he murders me before we even go to dinner?" "What if a guy asks me to meet him and then he turns out to be a total liar?"  "What if I find a great guy and then scare him off by being myself?" etc. etc. etc.

Yes, I am overthinking this.  It tends to be what I do in such moments, but at least I'm trying to do something different.  I keep hoping I'll realize I'm living through all the things that will be the 30 second or so worth of montage that shows all the steps I took to change something for the better in my life.  It really isn't a bad life, but I'd like it if I could fill it with more color.

Always more color.

So for now, good night.

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (12:05 AM CST):

• Tom Hiddleston reading Derek Walcott's Love After Love
• Knowing I should have a new bed set up to sleep on tomorrow night
• The game 1010! (I blame you for this, Caroline Walters!)
• Peyton Manning getting this super bowl win (He's still my favorite)
• That I can actually sleep in tomorrow!  Woo!
• Jordan's challenges & Nikky's hilarious encouragement and kindness
• Sleeeeeeeeeeeep

Yeah...

 

Today has been stupid. 

Not entirely. I shouldn't say that. There's been a lot of good. Somehow the frustrating and weird are winning the battle of memory though. I'll try to wrap this up with the good. 

The hardest bit was finding out that my fall plans may be shifting a bit. I'll still be at ABC (unless something weird happens), but it may be a bit weirder. We'll see. God's got the situation under control and I know whatever decisions are made, they'll be for the best. It's just made me wonder if my life is stuck in repeat, and if so, will I meet a new Best friend? And if that's the case, can I just not lose him this time? That would be the only good in this cycle. 

Other bad thing? Realizing I'm like the bottom of the barrel instead of a priority in a friend of mine's life. Seriously. I've been forgotten, ignored, or only contacted when they were lonely, bored or whatever. Can you not give me 10 minutes of actual comfort? Because quoting scripture when my life gets flipped over is somehow not helpful. I'm sorry, that's bitter and vague which goes against everything I want to be, but it's still true. 

But for the good things, Children of Change got several donations today. My extended family is incredible, and I have hope for the future of our organization. 

Also, I got to spend time with sleep deprived Calle after getting 15 hrs of sleep myself. We made a strange, giddy, disorganized pair, but we found the stuff she needed for her high school graduation today. Plus we went to lunch together, and that was a lot of fun. She finally made me a pros and cons list (I think the pros won), and I got good unsweet tea. 

And then I spent several hrs tonight hanging out with Ian. He even brought me dinner, which was totally unwarranted and undeserved, but I enjoyed it. Introverts of the world briefly unite! And then I went back to working on one of my projects for Jay and Kim's wedding gift. 

I am weary and silly and being more of a child than I'd like, but I'll sleep and tomorrow I'll work and possibly attend a grad party and hopefully make myself go run. I don't know how things will pan out this week or month or summer, but this will all even out somehow. 

Sigh. 

Favorite things of this very moment (12:44 pm EST):

• Ocean's 11 on RiffTrax

• The Dr. Pepper that Ian brought me

• Finally getting to talk to Shebby

• That I'm yawning and hopefully will actually get some sleep tonight

• Evan Durham

• "I use to play bass for..."

• That tomorrow can be something better

Geez Louise, Louise.

I just finished reading 2 posts on a friend's blog about her struggle with depression, and a little bit earlier I was reading an email from my best friend who was telling me she's been struggling, and the only reason she was telling me this was that I emailed her this morning to tell her I was feeling a little like I was falling apart.

Today's been a weird, awful, good, weird day.

At one point today I walked out into a clouded day only to have it hail and then pour on me and then 10 minutes later I walked outside again and it was sunny.  South Carolina sometimes makes less sense than the weather of northern Illinois, and I didn't know that was really something that could happen.

Can I make a confession?  I signed up for Zoosk this week.  I also deactivated and deleted my Zoosk this week.  Took me 2 days to figure out how to deactivate it, and I almost didn't do it because today I had 2 messages with really ridiculous pick up lines in them commenting on how beautiful I am.  I emailed my best friend after deactivating Zoosk because I had to share with her the pick up lines, and also to whine because I realized it's been about 9 years since a guy has called me beautiful (excluding my family because the men in my family are wonderful and try to make sure I know how lovely I am for which I cannot thank them).  Well, maybe one other guy did...I had a guy ask if he could sleep with me once when he knew I was coming home on break from college, but the more I think about that the less I remember (or maybe the less I want to remember) and I'm not sure he ever said anything about my looks.  Maybe he just wanted to sleep with me because he thought I'd be up for that (which is hilarious since I was at a Bible college going to school for theology studying youth ministry and premarital sex is kinda frowned upon).

Let's just say that I don't think a guy asking to sleep with you is an admission of your beauty.

I got the Zoosk because I was hoping someone would tell me I was beautiful.  I won't lie about that.  I was also hoping though that I would read someone's profile and I would see the face attached to the words and somehow I would find the person I keep waiting for.  Instead I found a lot of hilarious pick up lines (which if a guy used them in person, I would, without a doubt agree to go on a date over, but via the Internet just makes them seem...well fake instead of funny) and a lot of spelling errors.  Somehow, I just couldn't do it.  Two of the messages I received were the worst spelled messages I've ever received in my life, and I couldn't get passed that.  At all.  On top of which, no one really seemed to have anything good to say.  Cheesy and a little funny, yes, but valid...not so much.

The problem with a couple of guys telling you that you are beautiful when you have lost sight/faith/belief in the reality of that in yourself is that it will suddenly occur to you that you don't believe they'll find you attractive if they ever meet you in person.  I mean if the guys you know in person don't ever seem to find you attractive or voice that to you...why on earth would you believe a stranger who is only seeing a couple good pictures of you?

This is when your best friend points out (rightly) to you that what you really need is to see yourself as beautiful because (she well knows) that if you don't find yourself beautiful you will find it hard to believe when others say it (even the man you love that you know loves you back).

What a mess.

Why is it so hard for us to see our own value?

For instance?  I know I am beautiful.  God created me.  I have value.  I am worthy of love.  For crying out loud, my capacity to love others is insane, but I still fail to see my worth.

So my project for this week is to find the things about myself that I know make me beautiful.

And now, because I've really neglected this...
Favorite things of this very moment (11:03 PM EST):

• The Gandhi quote necklace my mom sent me for my birthday ("be the change you wish to see") because she knows my heart and this is kinda my version of the theme of Children of Change, and speaking of Children of Change...
• Children of Change now has a website!  We're OFFICIALLY online!  That's right!  You can donate on the website or get involved with us or ask us your questions there.  Soon there will be links to our Twitter and we'll have a Facebook page soon.  We'll also have a lot more projects and opportunities to tell you about.
• "Medium" Unsweet Tea from Hardee's (because THEY actually understood the concept of UNSWEET tea...geez...I realize this is the South and I'm clearly a Northerner, but dear goodness, just give me my unsweet tea)
• Jordan having a new phone (Jordan...you have no idea how frustrating that's been)
• Emails from Nikky (it's too bad we don't have Caesar anymore...I'm pretty sure he would have been our Rowdy)
• That I have nowhere to be until 5 tomorrow (if I make myself go...which I need to because it's Calle & Marshall's grad party and I love Calle and Marshall)
• Vlogbrothers ...Calle got me to start watching them and now I can't stop (and Jordan really is Hank and I really am John)

(68) Rife with Miracles

High hopes & gingerbread M&M's
Not sure where life is going
but at least it's going
there's light again
Rife with miracles
Sometimes you just gotta
hear someone tell you,
remind you,
that your life is beautiful
& that you're work has meaning
Sometimes seeing this side
of morning so many times
make you wonder
if you're still doing
anything right

I Can Haz Wizard?

Picture by Jon H. Cheatwood
at the Jacob & Amber Ballard wedding reception
on June 9, 2012

So much is happening in my life these days.  This statement seems ironic considering I was told today that I have to stay out of work for roughly one more week so that my back will heal properly, but even with that holding me up from working and running around like normal, life is busy.

A week ago today I was trying to make sure a group of boys was recovering from a party, locating a dress for a rehearsal for an incredible wedding (and succeeding for the first time ever to locate a dress I loved this much so quickly), falling a little bit in love with someone while cheerfully realizing all my feelings for someone else had genuinely been erased by his stupidity and poor decision making skills, indulging my femininity, trying to make sure everything that needed to be down was done, trying to figure out what I needed to say in my toast, doing laundry, and thanking God for Jordan Durham every chance I got.  It was a crazy day, but I loved it.

Every minute of that week made me feel alive and necessary.  I was being asked to run errands, for my opinion, to help with things, to organize, to fix situations, to visit people, and I was highly in demand and desired.  I want every day for that to be the case.  Sure that life is a little crazy, but in Ohio I knew I had purpose.

For the past few months, well, for the past year or so really, I have been trying to figure out what I should be working towards in my life with little real break in the case.  When I was traveling in April, it was suggested by a variety of people that I move to South Carolina, Ohio, and back to Atlanta.  I have been thinking about that ever since.  At this point, I think I have figured out where I will be heading next, and I am beginning the process of making it happen.

My goal is to be moving in September.  I have no idea how to make that happen quite yet, but I do know that I will be attempting to save money this summer and looking for work in my new location.  I will also need to start truly downsizing.  I do not need to move so much junk.  I don't need to own so much junk.  Hopefully I will be able to donate many things to people who will love them more than I will, and it will be glorious.

Be praying on all fronts I guess.  I am thrilled to be rid of one ridiculous and destructive relationship, and I am hoping to eventually jump into a relationship with a real man.  This year, my twenty-sixth year, is already causing all kinds of havoc and change, and as messy as it already is and as scary as a move will be, it is time.  I am going to step out in faith and see where God lets me land.

One last thing, I have just this afternoon finished a new mix for my amazing, hilarious Jordan (mail is heading your way soon, my friend).  I hope he enjoys it, and I hope you will too.

I Can Haz Wizard?:
1. Daylight - Matt & Kim
2. Anna Molly - Incubus
3. Live My Life - Far East Movement feat. Justin Beiber
4. She Can Get It - Kevin Rudolf
5. And I - Box Car Racer
6. She Talks to Angels - The Black Crows
7. Down - Blink-182
8. We Use to Wait - Arcade Fire
9. Near Enough - Metasomatic
10. Good Arms vs. Bad Arms - Frightened Rabbit
11. Bitter - Teddy Geiger
12. Kiss on Me - Tyler Hilton
13. Edge of Desire - John Mayer
14. 2:00 Your Time - Ace Troubleshooter
15. I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz
16. Heart of Me - Green River Ordinance
17. Secrets - OneRepublic
18. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
19. Tomorrow Will Be Kinder - The Secret Sisters
20. Wish You Were Here - Incubus

Because My Life Is Not A Movie

"Best Thing That You Never Had" has been playing in my head a lot lately, but I am asking myself if that is really true.  Am I really the best thing?

I have my doubts.

This past weekend I was at Refuge in IN.  It was a wonderful weekend because I got to see a lot of people who I find myself desperately missing on a near constant basis anymore.  My beloved sisters/friends/roommates Amber & Kim, my dear brother/friend Jake, my amazing cousin Hilary, my hilarious uncle Jon, and my good friend Jordan, to name just a few.  These people make me feel home.

Over the weekend, Amber and I's good friend, Jeff asked her how she knew Jake was "the One."  Her answer was perfect.  She told Jeff that no matter where they are, to her, Jake feels like home.

That's what I want.

So this is the thing, maybe he doesn't know it yet, and maybe he never will know, but this is what he's missing: ME.

He will be missing out on me getting up early to make monkey bread or pancakes so that he would have a hot breakfast before he leaves the house.  He is missing me singing all day every day anything at all that makes my heart happy or speaks to my soul.  He will be missing the mix cds that tell him just how incredible he is to me when I can no longer find the words.  He will miss my hands and everything they are capable of.  He will miss my laughter and my constant encouragement as he pursues his dreams.  He will be missing my creative pies and how fun I am to work with in the kitchen.  He will be missing my smile and my constant willingness to do laundry and help with dishes.  He will miss how good I am with his dog when no one else is.  He will miss my sweet sewing skills and my creative ability to recycle everything and find the beauty in everything and everyone.  He will miss my notes and letters.  He will miss my lips on his neck and the number of times I say I love you.  He will miss my passion and my adoration and how completely gorgeous and perfect I think he is and have always (since that Han Solo costume the night we met) and always will.

I hope he misses me.

I feel a million things and nothing all at the same time.  My life is not a movie or this would be well on its way to being resolved.  Instead, he's going to go marry a girl that even his family seems nervous about, and I am going to listen to Jason Mraz sing "I Won't Give Up" a million times and try to find a new dream.

Good Night, Moon

I keep staring at my phone like something is going to change and happen. Go figure, eh?

This week has been interesting. The past few have been interesting.

Let's catch up:

1. For Nikky & Yan's wedding, I learned how to tie bow ties. I am crazy proud of this for some reason. Maybe it's just because it's such a random skill, and I'm a fan of those. Whatever the reason, I'm thrilled to know this, and Yan's best man, Fred was adorable about it. He kept his tied through everything that night and told me that he was afraid to untie it because it looked so good and he knew he wouldn't be able to do it again.


2. Today I got texting on my phone. David and I got a new plan that's just the two of us. I'm a little nervous about that. The plan is fairly basic. I won't go over in minutes because I rarely talk on the phone, but the texting makes me a little nervous. Anyone on Verizon is welcome and able to text me and send me as many pictures as they darn well please, buuuut if they don't have that...it's going to make it a problem. David's girlfriend doesn't have Verizon either, so I am going to try and let him have most of the regular text messaging rights. I have no one like that, so yeah...although, the boy I want has Verizon, so maybe this will work out alright.


3. Sam kinda kills me.


4. As a reminder, Jordan Durham is my musical soul mate. For serious (as Joel says).


5. I am not returning to ABC until spring semester. That's tearing me up inside every other day. It's hard to explain exactly why to be honest. I know I need to finish up my degree at the college, but sometimes I wonder why God's saying "Wait." I'm trying to keep my eyes open because I'm clearly missing something.


6. David saw me rereading Agnes & the Hitman for the 7th(?) time the other night, and I told him I always see the people I would cast for the various parts when I read it: Mark Wahlberg as Shane, Reese Witherspoon as Agnes, Matthew McConaughy as Taylor, etc. He asked why I don't just right the screenplay. I've been toying with the idea ever since. I just am totally unsure of how you would go about starting that, especially when it's someone else's book. May have to do some looking into that.


7. My room still looks like the victim of a natural disaster and I'm struggling to motivate myself to change it. I know I need to finish unpacking and actually set up my life here, but it's really hard to do. I just feel overwhelmed, and it makes me want to throw everything but my books out and start over. In reality though, I don't think that would really cure anything. I think it would just be another way of avoiding the reality of this current situation, and I really just need to embrace this and find the joy.


8. I received a letter in the mail this week from one of my family group girls from FUEL this year. Marisa sent me a beautiful letter and a bracelet she'd made and told me exactly what had stuck with her from all the things I said while we were at FUEL. The whole week I worried that I was saying too much and that the girls were just glazing over. I kept praying that God would give me all the words I needed to be saying to them. He came through for me as he always does. It was so cool to see how God touched one of my girls' hearts and see what kind of change it's making. God does amazing, amazing things.


9. I've been reminded of how awesome my friends here at home are. Jay and Morgan especially. Jay is coming to the house for our first front porch talk since I've been home (how on earth we managed to go the whole summer without one still confuses me), and hopefully it will catch us both up on each others' lives a bit. We need that. And Morgan, sweet, hilarious Morgan. Morgan has been good at reminding me that we need to spend time together, and that dinner each week always brings me joy and helps me to walk away smiling about something. God blesses me so much.


10. Books. Beloved, wonderful, glorious books. I've been staring at my shelves again, and I'm realizing that I really am finally breaking my book collection down to EXACTLY what I love best. Everything else is given away or returned to the original owner with lovely thank you notes or donated to the library. The collection may shrink, but now it's easier to see who I really am. I love the worn binding on many of my books and the scribbled notes and highlighted portions of each of them. Each is so loved.

This is but a tiny, tiny portion of my life right now, but it's still what's going on. You needed to know. I needed to say it. And now:

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (12:31 am CST):

• "Bella's Lullaby" by Carter Burwell


• "New Moon (The Meadow)" by Alexandre Desplat


• "Jacob's Theme" by Howard Shore


• My wonderful friend, Amy's adorable, brilliant new blog: http://lovesewbeautiful.blogspot.com/


• Texting (I still miss the iPod, but this will do for now)


• Knowing my bed is a few feet away and in a few more moments, I'll be asleep there


• The much cooler weather

I Will Worship While I'm Waiting

Tonight I am tired. It is late and I have work in the morning. I am wondering how long this will be, and hating myself for wondering.

I keep hearing the words echo back through my head from a song I heard in a movie once, "I will worship while I'm waiting..." I remember feeling a deep longing as the guy sang those words, and at that moment I knew exactly what he meant, and I knew that that was exactly what I wanted to be able to do. I want to worship while I'm waiting.

I was hoping to be able to post something incredibly hopeful and deliriously happy about how I would be heading back to ABC in the fall, as if there was ever any doubt, and that life was truly moving along perfectly. That's what I wanted to post. That I was silly to have ever wondered.

What's really silly is that I'm still surprised each and every time God changes my plans for something better.

Does this mean I am not heading back to ABC 3 weeks from today? No. It simply means that I don't have clear cut answers like I was hoping for. I asked God for a sign, and He gave me something unexpected. I told him that whatever the college told me they felt needed to happen, I would do that, and I would do what I could to accept it gracefully. Yeah...that didn't exactly work. The college did answer me, but not, so much, with an answer as with a new question.

I responded, and we'll see what is said further. At present, I am trying to come up with a new to-do list so that if I end up in an unexpected place, yet again, that I will actually use the time to my advantage and share my joy. I do not want to become the bitter, frustrated version of myself that I was the last time I came home from college.

A week or two ago, I posted a play list from a cd that I made my friend Jordan. It was a play list meant to inspire him. To lift him up a bit because I know that the last bit of July and usually on into August are rough for him. I am feeling this toll as well. I've been listening to that cd on repeat for the past several days.

It's hard to recover from the high points when you seem to drop so low after them, and tonight my mom reminded me of that. She walked in to tell me the good news that my grandmother (my beloved 91, nearly 92, year old grandmother) was back home and out of the hospital. She's doing just fine. And I, being the bit of a wreck I am, blurted out everything about the email and the payment plan and the contract and the requirements and the job I don't have down there and the money I would have to come up with and how upset I was and how confused I was and how much I felt like a failure as an adult all over again and how angry I was feeling because this seemed like a painful echo of the last time...

But my mom said no, this is not the same. The last time was not my fault even a little, and that this time just happened. That this is all happening right after I was so full of crazy hope and optimism because of FUEL and that it's after those highs that we tend to sink down to the lowest of the lows. It's life's way of rebalancing everything. She said it would be okay and that God has got it. She said she could always arrange my marriage to one of the Bliss boys or maybe even the one of whom I refuse to speak because he's always trying to marry everyone and it makes my right eye twitch just thinking about it (and Nikky, it wouldn't even be worth it once, not even a little). Mostly she said she was sure that this would work out somehow in the end. It always has before. God's got this.

And she's right. She's always right.

But it's still hard.

Jordan told me to punch the college registrar with a weasel into a wall. I said I wanted to punch one of the three. He improved it. He always does.

Kimmie sent me hugs and told me that she's praying.

I know Jay's praying.

And I know Nikky is too.

I just wish that sometimes I didn't have to make a Venn Diagram of my heart. That I didn't have to separate the pieces and realize that I was going to only get to keep one side and the middle bits for now. I don't like that my home is split into several places. It makes life strange at times, and I don't know what to do with it.

I do know this: if I stay, things will work out. I was offered an additional job. I will have a part time job at the pharmacy as often as they can find me work. I will continue to write for Tramp Imperial Travel, and I will work at Basket Beginnings as often as Linda finds use for me. I will make baby blankets for all the beautiful new little ones that are coming into my life and the lives of the people I love. I will send care packages to the people that I love down at ABC and several other places to because I refuse to be forgotten, ignored, or simply not missed (I WILL BE MISSED, DANG IT!). And I will buy myself an iPod so that I can text Amber and Sam and Jordan and Kimmie and Jack as often as I am capable of being near wi-fi. I will help with the youth group and go to Joel's band concerts. I will help Forrest adjust to his first year of college and try to spend more time with David and Kels. I will continue to get to know Amy, and I will spend time with Morgan and Chelsea whenever they are available. I will keep making Jay laugh until he cries because we are talking way too late at night and we've consumed way too much caffeine. I will learn to quilt/knit/whatever else I can manage. I will go to the play my mom will be in this September, and I will spend as much time with the little ones at church as I can. I will write long emails and spend a fortune on postage so that people will know that I love them enough to send them real mail (and the aforementioned emails). I will work hard. I will save money, and I will find a way to get my butt back down to the college to finish as soon as God allows (if not now, January? Please, God).

And I will continue to daydream about a boy with blond hair who plays drums (and guitar and piano and...) and wears t-shirts part of the time.

Mostly though, wherever I am. Here or in GA, I will do my best to be what I call others to be: full of joy and thanksgiving. I will find ways to serve others (big and small) and I will find the things God brings into my day each day to be thankful for (because I am blessed).

I will worship while I'm waiting.

ps. "Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame." - Romans 12:9-11 (MSG)

Amen.

To DREARHAM: For August & All Else

1. What I know - Parachute

2. Back to You - John Mayer

3. We Got Tonight (Say It Again) - Sleeperstar

4. You'll Think of Me - Keith Urban

5. Talking to the Moon - Bruno Mars

6. When I Decide - My Terrible Friend

7. Motorcycle Drive By - Third Eye Blind

8. Lead Me - Sanctus Real

9. Spotlight (Twilight Mix) - Mutemath

10. Your Love is a Song - Switchfoot

11. Saints & Sailors - Dashboard Confessional

12. With My Own Two Hands - Jack Johnson feat. Ben Harper

13. Moving On - Timmy Curran

14. Tonight and Forever - The Damnwells

15. Slide - Tyler Hilton

16. Love is Here - Tenth Avenue North

17. All I Got - Newton Faulkner

18. Put Your Records On - Corinne Bailey Rae

19. I'll Be OK - Sondre Lerche

20. Morning Has Broken - Cat Stevens

I Just Want to Love You

Favorite things of this very moment (7:16 pm EST):

• Soft, strange green t-shirt that I bought yesterday


• The above picture of Sam playing video games with Queso


• Sam


• My conversation with Jordan from this afternoon


• "Get Smart, Again" (which is incredibly silly, and if you liked that kind of thing, you should really locate a copy and watch it. I know it's on NetFlix)


• The iPod (even though I really need to start to looking into getting my own refurbed or something)

The boy above.

There are just some things in life you wish you new were certain or worth waiting for or perfect. Sometimes you just have to accept with crazed faith the things that no one but God can tell you are certain. Right now my life is completely situated around things that are not within my scope of control. I will continue to try to do my part, but...a lot of this is out of my hands and in the hands of a wonderful 22 year old man who I would happily give the world to if I could. Sadly the world is not mine to give. All I've got is one little silly beating heart and a lot of crazy dreams and hopes. That may not be enough for him because I sometimes wonder what he actually sees when he looks at me, but I know that when I see him I see the man who I would like to be given complete adoration and love to every day for the rest of my life.

Can I do that?

Thank God for the Sunshine

(The mountains of TN)

There are so many, many words and I'm not sure if any of them are appropriate or good. I woke up and have been thanking God all day for how beautiful it was. If it hadn't been beautiful today, I'm pretty sure I would have ignored all 5 of the messages I had and would have just slept for the rest of my day.

I'm wondering what the point of all of this is. Last night before I went to sleep I asked God to just show me whether or not this was really worth my time because I was really struggling with that. Is this man really worth the wait and feeling broken so much? I just wasn't sure if I could do this, but then the morning broke and I realized I'd fallen asleep talking to him. And the more I talked to my mother and my roommates, the more I realized I'm not that crazy. There's something about this guy that calls deeply to me, and even if he isn't the right guy, what's going on between us, it's far from over.

I keep asking if I'm doing the right things, and all I'm hearing is yes. Everyone says yes, and I just keep praying. Praying and praying and praying.

The weirdest thing though would have to be talking to Mom about all of this. It's not weird to talk to her, but it was weird talking to her today...I think she finally understands that I'm not playing around here. This one is different. Not sure what that entails at this point, but it is different.

The other bit of today messing with me is this crazy financial plan assignment. It's a healthy idea and I know I should be able to do this, but I feel crippled by this. I feel like a failure as an adult is really what it is. How am I supposed to do this? I do not have a job, and it's only by the grace of God that I'm getting by at all. I trust every day that He'll provide what I need, and He does, but how do you write that into a financial plan? And how do you explain that you don't have future financial goals because you have no idea what you want to do with your life? And you don't need life insurance because you've got literally no one depending on you because you can barely take care of yourself? This assignment makes me feel like a failure. Exciting.

I guess what I need now is to make my favorite things list. I need to think about the good.

Favorite Things of this Very Moment (9:49 pm EST):

• "Easy Target" by Blink 182


• Knowing I found the Bible Sam wanted


• Jay, Jordan, Kimmie, Miiiitch, Regina, Amber & Jake and their invaluable prayers


• Knowing I got Regina's pants taken care of


• "Karma" by Alicia Keys


• Regina being home


• Headphones


• That my iPod is actually working after I thought it had died (thank God for the little miracles)


• Remembering the good talks with Mom, Amber, Jake, Mitch & Kimmie

Life is going to be alright.

Black Widow

(The above picture is from Refuge this year. Mostly I want to use that as a reference point for what I currently look like.)

(Two different versions of the character Black Widow. What I'd like to be.)

Favorite things of this very moment (12:48 am EST):

• Discussions with Jordan via Skype that give me a little more hope
• Trying to come up with a comic heroine that I wouldn't mind dressing up as for Dragoncon next year
• The sound of bike bells
• The iPod & the Kev-bot

I make no promises, but Jordan seems to believe I am capable of rebuilding myself. I want to look like Black Widow. If I decide to dress up and go to Dragoncon next year, I want to look like that. I want to be able to dress up as Black Widow.

On top of which, I will be in a wedding in the next year or so. I'd like to look good in a dress when I'm called upon to do so. I want to develop some faith in myself. How does one go about doing that? Jordan claims I have the discipline necessary to change what I'm doing and make myself healthier. I'm glad he has this faith in me.

These Few Blessings of Mine

So...I haven't written anything in a little while, so I thought I'd show you a bunch of picture of people I adore and talk about them a little. It will make me happy, and hopefully it'll make you happy too.
Jeff and Amber. Jeff is hilarious and wonderful, and I am glad I met him. It's nice to know that there are wonderful crazy people out there to meet. Especially when they have such voluptuous nostrils. Also, there's Amber...what can I say on Amber? She's my lifeline. I consistently need to have her in my life. God could not have blessed me with a better sister. I am grateful.

Sam. He's my favorite. There is so much to say about Sam. For instance, the weekend this picture was taken will probably forever be one of my favorites. He is laying on top of a stack of mattresses with Mitch underneath them. It's hard to explain. Sam makes me laugh, think, and inspires me to better things on a regular basis. Sam is a good man, and he gives me faith in men. I'm sure he doesn't know how valuable he is, but I'm genuinely glad he's a part of my life on a daily basis.

Jay. This is my "big brother." He's one of the best people I know. When my life seems to be coming apart at the seams, Jay is there to make sure that I get put back together again. He's truly one of my best friends, and my life would be much less musical and awkward without him.

Regina. One of my fabulous roommates. Regina can dance beautifully, make me laugh every single day, and is a great velociraptor. Trust me. She is a genuine and gorgeous person inside and out. I don't know how I got along so well before she became a part of my life. She has truly become one of my sisters.

Jake aka. the Garble. This picture will forever make me laugh. The bow tie, that ridiculous face, and the great Santa hat. Definitely one of his finest moments. Jake is the younger brother I didn't ask for, but I'm glad I was given. His insanity and brilliance make any event more memorable.

Jordan. Mr. Durham has become one of my best friends in the past year or so. This picture is a good explanation of why. The duck arms...Jordan has the ability to make me laugh until I cry on a regular basis. He is a rare mixture of hilarity, brilliance, passion, and goodness. I adore him for all of these reasons.

And, last but not least, Nikky. Nik is one of the most beautiful, charming, hilarious, brilliant, talented, passionate, wonderful people I know. I will always and have always loved the way I can talk to her about anything, and she always understands. Even the most vague of discussions work well for us. She is truly the sister I never had. I hope she is always, always, always a part of my life.

Obviously these are not the only people in my life, and there are many more I love, but I thought I would share this with you. They are good and wonderful people, and I can't imagine my life without them.

An Open Apology to the Good Men

The other night I wrote a post about how frustrated I was, and in rereading it and thinking about it off and on since then, I realized I was probably harsher than I should have been. I want to apologize.

I won't apologize for my hurt and my brokenness. I'm carry wounds that I'm trying to let God heal, but I do want to apologize for implying that there aren't good men out there. There are.

For years no I have been watching the kindness and faithfulness and love my father shows my mother. He takes care of her. He is a good man.

I watch my friend Mitch consistently help and care for my his fiancee, Kim. He is faithful and true and is constantly trying to take care of her. He is a good man.

My amazing friend Jake is the same way. He is madly in love with my wonderful roommate, Amber, and I watch him day in and day out try to make her happy. He even does our dishes and watches the occasional chick flick and is an excellent listener. He is a good man.

Then there's Jay. My exceedingly tall friend who has a heart of gold. He's single, but he does try to take care of me at times. Beyond which, he's just a good man. Honest, faithful, funny. He is a good man.

And Jordan, my wonderful, wonderful friend, Jordan. Without realizing it, he frequently lights up my day and makes me feel better because he willingly answers my crazy questions and takes the time to be interested in what I have to say, even when it's insane and/or pointless. He is faithful to God and kind to people. Jordan is a good man.

To all of you men, I am sorry I doubted your goodness and your ability to love and care for the women in your lives. I will work harder to encourage you and to remember this.

I am sorry. I was wrong, and you are GOOD men.

I'm Sorry Arkansas, But It's Unavoidable.

Birthdays, Brilliant Friends, Lying, & Poor College Kids

(Uncle Jon is the man in the nice maroon shirt who appears to be trying to locate something on the floor...the creep who is giving me his best evil villain stare is Jake...Yep)

Today is my Uncle Jon's birthday. I'm going to go have lunch with him after he's done teaching his class in the morning. I'm looking forward to this. He's making his potato soup that I've heard so much about. Few things could sound more promising. I just find it kind of funny that he's making lunch for a group of college kids on his birthday. This is just one more of the many, many things that make him one of the coolest people in the universe and definitely one of my favorite people.

Two o'clock in the morning is going to find me sitting here at my table staring at the stacks of books, the old newspaper, and the mugs that seem to collect out of thin air wondering when exactly I should attempt to sleep. When I woke up this morning at 10 so that I could attempt to make my friends breakfast before they left, I briefly considered going right back to sleep. It was very tempting. This became even more tempting when I realized that when I got out of the shower that I heard them leave the apartment. Yep. Right out the front door they walked before I even got to see them off. I understood their need to leave, but it made me sad that I didn't have the abilities to wake up early enough to actually see them leave. Bummer. Plus, this meant that I had gotten up long before it was necessary. This is always a bit sad.

Nevertheless, I did manage to make some delicious monkey bread for Amber, Jake, Mitch and I. Miiitch actually came by at the exact right time to pick up the key Josh had left, and therefore ended up getting fed and entertained before he went home to sleep. It was a good time. I know I enjoyed it.

Today was filled with very little in the way of anything really. Amber and I went and visited Cheat, Seth & the girls this afternoon and played some Bananagrams (which I swear should start paying us because we are getting everyone around us hooked on the game).

This period also had me reconsidering my position on Swedish Fish. They actually don't taste so bad when they're fresh and if I forget that they have a super weird and waxy texture. But I think I could actually eat them if they were offered to me. I'm beginning to wonder if I had just connected bad memories of Jeff & I's relationship to Swedish Fish and somehow that changed the way I was approaching them as a snack.

Ha.

Amber and I also managed to wrangle together the rest of the groceries we would need till leaving at the end of the week. We are broke. So, so very broke. If you want to donate money towards our patheticness or you want to give us bags of chocolate and Sun Chips, we'll be more than willing to do accept donations.

Just a thought.

This evening I also was made to realize once again the epic that is Jordan M. Durham. EPIC. I'm consistently amazed at the random knowledge he possesses and the range of conversations we can have throughout the course of a day. I look forward to the day when we live in the same area so that I can have these bizarre daily conversations with him face to face and not just over Facebook or texts.

Sadly, tonight also saw me rethinking and evaluating the truth in a friend's statements. If I end up being proven wrong about someone I have greatly admired I will be furious. There is something incredibly disturbing about putting faith in someone only to have them take the trust you place in them and crushing it. I genuinely hope that my faith is justified.

Do me a favor? Don't bother to lie to me. As crazy as it may sound, I will find out. This may sound conceited, but I tend to figure it out. Just be honest. I'd rather be wounded by a friend than have someone betray me someone. I don't handle that well. Really.

Just some things to ponder tonight/today. And wish my uncle a happy birthday.

Love,

J

ps. I would like some truth serum, good hand lotion, and actual sleep.