Luck

I should know better

After all this time

But here I am

Laying in the dark

Listening to my heartbeat

You are an unprecedented 

Stroke of luck

That I don't seem to comprehend 

How can anyone be so lucky

As to turn a corner 

And find something as 

Beautiful as you?

Here I've been walking 

All this time

Only finding potholes

And puddles and broken glass

When suddenly before me

I see a whole field 

Of sunflowers in full bloom

That's what it's like

Finding you

Yeah...

 

Today has been stupid. 

Not entirely. I shouldn't say that. There's been a lot of good. Somehow the frustrating and weird are winning the battle of memory though. I'll try to wrap this up with the good. 

The hardest bit was finding out that my fall plans may be shifting a bit. I'll still be at ABC (unless something weird happens), but it may be a bit weirder. We'll see. God's got the situation under control and I know whatever decisions are made, they'll be for the best. It's just made me wonder if my life is stuck in repeat, and if so, will I meet a new Best friend? And if that's the case, can I just not lose him this time? That would be the only good in this cycle. 

Other bad thing? Realizing I'm like the bottom of the barrel instead of a priority in a friend of mine's life. Seriously. I've been forgotten, ignored, or only contacted when they were lonely, bored or whatever. Can you not give me 10 minutes of actual comfort? Because quoting scripture when my life gets flipped over is somehow not helpful. I'm sorry, that's bitter and vague which goes against everything I want to be, but it's still true. 

But for the good things, Children of Change got several donations today. My extended family is incredible, and I have hope for the future of our organization. 

Also, I got to spend time with sleep deprived Calle after getting 15 hrs of sleep myself. We made a strange, giddy, disorganized pair, but we found the stuff she needed for her high school graduation today. Plus we went to lunch together, and that was a lot of fun. She finally made me a pros and cons list (I think the pros won), and I got good unsweet tea. 

And then I spent several hrs tonight hanging out with Ian. He even brought me dinner, which was totally unwarranted and undeserved, but I enjoyed it. Introverts of the world briefly unite! And then I went back to working on one of my projects for Jay and Kim's wedding gift. 

I am weary and silly and being more of a child than I'd like, but I'll sleep and tomorrow I'll work and possibly attend a grad party and hopefully make myself go run. I don't know how things will pan out this week or month or summer, but this will all even out somehow. 

Sigh. 

Favorite things of this very moment (12:44 pm EST):

• Ocean's 11 on RiffTrax

• The Dr. Pepper that Ian brought me

• Finally getting to talk to Shebby

• That I'm yawning and hopefully will actually get some sleep tonight

• Evan Durham

• "I use to play bass for..."

• That tomorrow can be something better

Money is the Suck

Dear Everyone,

I hate talking about money, don't you?  I've learned that I can ask any of you to help with anything that I feel is important and doesn't directly benefit me, but if I actually have to talk to someone about money that is either owed me or that I'm trying to raise for my benefit...I am the suck.  I lose my words.

I apologize if I sound like an idiot in the near future.  Know that I'm trying to make sense and that I will do my best to answer questions.

Thanks for your patience.

Love,
Jaymin

So This Could Be a Mess

I slept last night & for the first time in several days didn't watch the sunrise without sleep. I was told last summer that if you go several days without sleep it can do permanent damage to the brain. I love thinking about that when I already can't sleep. Such a comfort. Ha. Some nights I wonder if this won't be what puts me in the nut house. Won't be a nice one either because I'm broke & I'd never want my family to try & pay. They deserve better. 

And then I say stuff like that and I do sound crazy. 

I got Calle a little hooked on Lost Girl with me. It's a terrible show. If it wasn't for Dyson, I don't think I would've kept watching, but I've emotionally invested in his character (& vests). I feel like it's Angel on steroids with a lot more sex. Like I need that in my brain. 

I am using the show to escape the present. The magic & myth of it fascinate me. I like that humanity is capable of creating so much in the way of additional ideas/characters/creatures/myth. I get it. We want to explain & explore. Sometimes we just wish there was something extra to us. That we were somehow more magical or had more of a gift. 

Sometimes we just don't feel terribly extraordinary despite (as Neil Gaiman says) the secret worlds within us. 

I like the idea of being able to charm anyone or create desire or whatever. It appeals to me because I struggle to find my own magic to make me appealing. 

I find this especially appealing when suddenly silence rings louder than words & I begin to doubt my importance in someone else's life/heart/friendship. It frustrates me. I'd adore the ability to touch someone and for them to tell me the truth about whatever I ask. Or to be able to read peoples' feelings for each other. 

I just wish I understood. Because, like so many nights lately, I'm just wondering what's going on. 

I'll move in a couple months (Lord willing) & then what? Will what I've created matter here?

You know why it's hard to put down roots? Because if I do, everyone can keep moving on without me and I'll get left behind. I move from place to place because when I get close to putting down roots, my world shifts & everything I want to build breaks apart. It's hard to put down roots in the desert. 

Maybe this is my 40 years in the wilderness. The only problem is, either I'm blind or my pillar of cloud/fire is gone. 

I'm tired of feeling like I'm too much, but also not enough. I'd like to say this is just a dry spell, but I don't know. 

Favorite things of this very moment (1:33 AM EST):

• Dyson (& his vests)

• Calle giving me sweet Bo hair (now I just need to figure out how to do it myself)

• That I actually feel tired

• X-men movies

• Memory foam mattress pad

• My fan

• Knowing I'm less than 2 weeks from going home 

(81) Strangers We've Become

I've been staring
at the painting
hanging on the wall

I can feel each brushstroke
& hear your heart beat
& see you there upon your canvas

I hear your echo in this room
your painting & the shot glasses
Can't help but smile

but it breaks my heart
to realize you'll never be
standing here with me again

You won't be showing me the pictures
with my letters on the sink
& your smile crooked on your face

I miss who we were
& not the strangers
we've become

(79) Don't Forget About Me

When I'm not around
to drive you home at night
will you forget me?

Sometimes I wonder if
I'll always be
the place holder for eternity

Please don't try to convince me
that's not true
you're not stepping up

If you were in my shoes
you'd be scared of
happiness too

because who is to say
when the other shoe
will drop

I was so close
so close to feeling hope
but you've already shut me out

So I'll drive you home one last tim,e
before I shut off my phone
& quit

Accept it
you're alone
that's it.

(69) Uncool Jerk Brain

Dreams, sweet dreams,

are not made of these

forgive me if you don't agree

searching my brain

but I cannot see

how dreams of love

are good for me

Oi

What level of a mess are you when you realize that your good friend's sweet, but inebriated husband giving you a peck on the cheek when he hugs you goodbye (because you look at each other more as siblings than anything else) is the most physical interaction you've had with a member of the opposite sex in about 8 & 1/2-9 years?

Wow. I really may be to the crazy portion on this ride. I need to actually be social or take a more avid interest in crocheting, knitting, & cats.