Collab 6: 4Am

There are still nights when I question

If I'm in it for the right reasons

Am I selfish?

I always wanted

To be something good

For the people around me

For my family

For friends

For strangers

But, mostly,

Always,

For you

Some nights I worry,

Did I trick you into

Believing I was/am truly a good thing?

Is this just the ghost

Of a past that I know

I can't run from?

A reminder of a melody

That use to set me on fire

To burn me to the ground?

The words still sting

"You're too much."

"You could look better

If you dressed this way."

You should

You could

Why are you?

Those echoes never leave

I know I'm not perfect

I look in the mirror every day

(As if I needed the reminder)

And I see my flaws

Not just the scars

Or the stretch marks,

But the triggers and wounds,

The sins I hide 

The bitter words

The fears that I let 

Tie me down and hold me back

From all that I could,

Or should,

Be doing with my life

For me and you.

I know the shadows that still linger

Just know,

Please just know,

I love you

Collab 5b: Saftey Pins

Collab 5: Saftey Pins

Some nights I shift through Pinterest 

And I find a million new craft projects

And beautiful art by people

Who inspire me to carry forward

With my own rogue artwork 

But then suddenly 

The pictures creep in

Baby clothes

Parenting advice

What to expect when you're expecting 

And my heart aches a little

I shoo it away

(Or tuck into

The quiet corners of my heart).

I sigh.

The love of my life 

Is asleep next to me on our couch

Tucked into my side

Keeping me warm

And safe

And reminded of the pure joy

and blinding intensity 

Of our love.

But between the sweetness

Of his sleeping face,

My dreams,

All these crafts that make my brain think

Pinterest understands me too well...

I close my eyes and I sigh again

I speak to God about

The dreams I have tucked into 

The corners of my heart again,

And I try to hold onto the hope

That one of these days

That all these odds and ends and pins

Will culminate into action

And a small bundle of promise

With tiny hands

And tiny toes

Collab 4: Stories

I use to write stories

About someone

I thought I knew

They weren't half bad

But they, apparently, 

Weren't true

Still Life

Sometimes I wish that you would 

Find the girl you are

Meant to be with

So I can stop confusing 

Myself with your future. 

I am tired 

Of always saying 

Goodbye 

To my best friend

So if you're not mine

You're more than welcome

To leave at any time 

But leave the pieces 

Of my heart where you

Found them

The Moon's Girl

I use to tell myself

Stories about the moon

How the moon was

In love

With a girl

She was spectacularly average

Nothing anyone noticed

Or desired

But the moon 

Could see the truth

While she slept

Her dreams shone 

Bright as the sun

And the moon 

Would peak from behind

The tree outside 

Her bedroom window

Just to see the curve

Of her smile 

As she dreamed

But the girl

Never knew the moon

Loved her

As she slept the night away

Whiner

My head feels a little broken

Even with music playing 

This night feels too still

If it was a little warmer 

I'd have the windows open

The local drunks slurred chatter

Would be a welcome break from 

This uneasy silence

Just a Dream

The problem is

this is just a dream

I'm not really

waking up in

a room full of sunlight 

with peach colored roses

in a vase on the dresser

and you laying with

messy dark hair 

by my side

your hand on my stomach

your legs tangled in mine

the smile on your beautiful 

face promising me

perfection for all my

remaining days

Luck

I should know better

After all this time

But here I am

Laying in the dark

Listening to my heartbeat

You are an unprecedented 

Stroke of luck

That I don't seem to comprehend 

How can anyone be so lucky

As to turn a corner 

And find something as 

Beautiful as you?

Here I've been walking 

All this time

Only finding potholes

And puddles and broken glass

When suddenly before me

I see a whole field 

Of sunflowers in full bloom

That's what it's like

Finding you

Moonlit Hope

Trickling into my soul

A sliver of moonlit hope

Hard to say how

Long it's been

Since a quiet voice intervened

Through the cacophony 

In my head

But here's a whisper

The barest breath

Maybe it breathes

...maybe

Poems

It's been a long time

Since words found their way

Written out on napkins and

The backs of envelopes

I use to write poems

Every day

I use to write them about

The boy I loved

The one that walked away

But then Poetry died

And there were so many years

Of quiet silence

And an echo stretching forever

I wrote a story for my godson

It's about an armadillo 

I want to publish the book

But all this fear 

Holds me back 

Still somewhere past

Basketball games on TV

And fictional bounty hunters

I hear an old whisper

And feel a tug at the corner

Of my heart

Start again

Live with no regrets

And I smile

Maybe turning 30

Is a starting point 

After all and

Maybe I can live

The life I long for 

After all

More Color!

I am completely exhausted.  I thought I was going to fall asleep standing up in my living room earlier while laughing at Stephen Cobert.  I am rarely so tired as I am tonight, but here I am over an hour later staring at my computer screen and slowly finding words to type.

I couldn't help it.  I just wanted to know if anyone had said a word to me on the ridiculous online dating site I semi-recklessly signed up for.  Especially since my dear friend Jordan issued a challenge last night, and in order to resolve it, I have to attempt to actually stick with this site for a little while and give it a chance.  Most everything in me would like to run screaming away from this because of all the "what if's" like "What if no one likes me?" "What if the guy I end up liking and actually agreeing to meet actually ends up to be a serial killer and he murders me before we even go to dinner?" "What if a guy asks me to meet him and then he turns out to be a total liar?"  "What if I find a great guy and then scare him off by being myself?" etc. etc. etc.

Yes, I am overthinking this.  It tends to be what I do in such moments, but at least I'm trying to do something different.  I keep hoping I'll realize I'm living through all the things that will be the 30 second or so worth of montage that shows all the steps I took to change something for the better in my life.  It really isn't a bad life, but I'd like it if I could fill it with more color.

Always more color.

So for now, good night.

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (12:05 AM CST):

• Tom Hiddleston reading Derek Walcott's Love After Love
• Knowing I should have a new bed set up to sleep on tomorrow night
• The game 1010! (I blame you for this, Caroline Walters!)
• Peyton Manning getting this super bowl win (He's still my favorite)
• That I can actually sleep in tomorrow!  Woo!
• Jordan's challenges & Nikky's hilarious encouragement and kindness
• Sleeeeeeeeeeeep

Twinkle On

There will never be too many twinkle lights

If I could wrap them

around my heart

& through my veins

I would

Something in the glitter & glow

breaks through these bleak December greys

& pulls me toward

the Light of the World

who shines through

this season &

breaks through the darkness & shadows

of a dying year

& helps alight the new

So twinkle on little lights

bring the hope & joy of the Christ child's birth

good will to men

& peace on earth

A Fool Looks for Logic in the Chambers of the Human Heart

I lay beneath the lantern glow

Tired ache creeping through my soul

Knowing I should've been asleep hours ago

But the rush of today

The tangled up thoughts warring keep me here

In the quiet loud space in my mind

How can you logic your way out of this?

I find you in this space

Tattoos, skater hair

It's like I've got my high school 

Skills for picking boys again

You're too young,

I'm too old

This song is on repeat

Once upon a time 

There was a girl who believed her life was planned

I guess I found out too late

That I'm not going to get a fairytale 

And maybe prince charming isn't what I need

I just need a best friend

God only knows what the jumble's for

Time will probably take you away from me,

But for today at least,

I can committ you to memory

Maybe you'll prove to be a better dream

Intramural Sports for Porcupines

Hoping I find myself
dreaming of intramural sports
among 300 porcupines
instead of closing my eyes
and seeing you

Alone

The stars shine so bright

They twinkle on my ceiling

It's after 2AM 

& I can't find my rubber mallet

I could try the old songs

But it would just remind me

That nights like this,

At the edge of alone,

I want to set everything

--yes everything--

On fire

At least the flames

Would give reason

To all this heat

All is quiet

Save the fan blades whirring on

And I'm fighting the urge

To hope from kind words

From strangers

When we're so often judged

By beauty

I worry for my heart

And are the lonely

Truly the kindest

Or is that supposed

To read as damaged?

Because my experience

Only sees that so far

Sometimes running alone

For so long

Causes you to forget

How to interact organically

How can you like me

When you don't know me?

How can I let you know me

When I'm not sure I like me?

And I'm a cactus flower

In a lonely desert

And I'm the sailor

Called by your song to the rocks

How many boats will I lose?

How many deaths will I die?

Will I ever be enough?

I have the right skills

And my heart still beats

Can't that be enough?

When I Can't Sleep

Sometimes I worry

I'm trapped in my own head

What if you're not coming

And nothing can rescue me

As I am falling asleep 

I catch the whisper

Of old dreams & plans

You're voice still echoes

And I keep running

When does my heart stop?

Can't I just lie here

And die here tonight

Just empty this failure

All the hollowed out dreams

There are new scars

On this heart in me

One of these nights

I'll still the whisper

And new words will

Wash over me

It'll soak through the pain

Till it fills up the heart in me

And finally, finally

It'll find me healing and free

(45) Someone to Love

Nada Surf lyrics keep playing through head

To find someone to love

you gotta be someone to love

is that why I'm still alone?

Am I not someone to love yet?

(22) Just the 3

I'm starting to think

I have the same

three conversations on repeat

I play through them

with friends

each day

Future

Boys

Hope

over & over

just a track stuck on repeat

someone

throw a wrench

in these spokes

save me

(21) To Do List

To do list

to do list

to do

Tonight I'll do my best to sleep

but my head's filled

with a million things

dreams, plans, 

good & tough, fun & sad

so much to do

but all of it can wait

for morning

tonight I'll just dream of you